MEGA SUPER FANTASTIC MARATHON OF FUN!
by gabriel ricard
Summary: The greatest ff7 series ever made is back with a complete 20 episode collection to get things going for upcoming season two. If you read it before, read it again and if you havent...well what are you waiting for?! get reading!
1. Default Chapter

MEGA SUPER FANTASTIC MARATHON OF FUN  
  
Written by Gabe "Read this or die" Ricard  
  
Gabe: Welcome everyone.to the biggest event in fan fiction history  
  
Tifa: Yeah.right  
  
Cloud: Lets not fool ourselves Gabe  
  
Vincent: Very.very sad  
  
Gabe: ugh.anyway.it was five years ago that I began work on the ff7 series, publishing it in notebooks with the hope of putting it online.that became a reality a year and a half ago when I began publishing it. After rejections by RPGamer amongst others the series found it's home at FF.NET.  
  
Cloud: How long is this little speech going to last?  
  
Gabe: AS LONG AS IT FUCKING TAKES!  
  
Cid: (Lighting a cigarette) Hurry up already.  
  
Gabe: ANYWAYS.the series started off with some fairly rough edges. The swearing was more like this.%^*$#.the humor was almost entirely borrowed from the sources of inspiration and the plots were fairly standard  
  
Barret: Not unlike now  
  
Gabe: Wait till you see what I'm doing to YOU in season TWO!!!  
  
Barret: .  
  
Gabe: Now then, a full twenty-episode season later, the series has finally evolved into what I had hoped it would be. The second season is on the verge of being introduced but something hit me  
  
Aeris: This series is a sham?  
  
Gabe: No.that it's been a long time since the series has been at the front of the ff7 section of FF.NET.so.to reintroduce you to the series.here is every single episode of the first season.one after another.so when season two finally does come about  
  
Cloud: This whole annoying and poorly written mess will make at least a little sense  
  
Gabe: Right.so sits back and enjoy.let's go  
  
Vincent: I need to.tie my shoe  
  
Gabe: Fine.(Everyone leaves)  
  
Vincent: (Sings softly) Don't you.forget about me  
  
Cloud and Cid: Get over here! (Yanks him away)  
  
Onto Episode One!!!!!! 


	2. 1.01-Total Boredom

"Final Fantasy 7-#1  
  
By Gabe Ricard  
  
"Total Boredom"  
  
"@#$%$% I'm bored!" announced Cic. Then the TV blared "Next up a 24 hour Dukes Of Hazzard marathon!!" "Oh hell yea!!" exclaimed  
  
Cid popping open a can of Lipton Brisk Ice Tea. Barret, Yuffie, and Red XIII all groaned.  
  
"Cid no one likes the @#$^%^ing Dukes of Hazzard" cried Barret in a futile attempt at getting Cid to miss his favorite show. Cid took a  
  
long drink of his ice tea and was about to retort when Tifa came down on the pinball machine elevator and walked into the room.  
  
"Hey guys!" she smiled  
  
"Who's watching the bar?" asked Red XIII  
  
. "Marlene" replied Tifa.  
  
Yuffie shook her head " That's right have a five year old little girl watch the bar you really want keep that liquor license don't you?" she  
  
asked dripping with sarcasm.  
  
At that moment Cloud, Vincent Aeris and Cait Sith came down.  
  
Cait pounded the giant moggle he was sitting on "Noooooo not the Dukes any thing but that I wanna watch Seseame Street!"  
  
"Too bad cat I'm going to watch Rap City!" growled Barret.  
  
Vincent brushed his cape back "While we are at it I would like to watch Buffy."  
  
Cid looked around angry at the mere notion of having to miss even a second of his favorite show. "The @#$%$^%^ you all are!!" he  
  
cried "Its on the $%^&ing Dukes of Hazzard and that's where its gonna stay so tough ^%$#%^$#ing luck!!!!!." He finished off his ice  
  
tea "Besides I have the remote."  
  
"Oh YEA WELL THAT'S GONNA CHANGE!" cried Yuffie leaping onto Cid and pounding on him. A few moments later Barret, Vincent, and  
  
Cait Sith jumped into it with Red continuing to sit quietly in the corner. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris all exchanged glances and went back up to  
  
the bar. With nothing to do they all lazily sat around trying to think of something to do. Then out of nowhere the door opened and a  
  
boy probably 18 walked in.  
  
Cloud looked up "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Gabe Ricard the fan fic author" replied Gabe who was wearing black jeans and a Nine-Inch Nails shirt  
  
"What are you doing here?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Well" began Gabe "My real life sucks so I thought I would put myself into the story."  
  
"Oh." replied Tifa sitting back down  
  
. "Where is everyone?." Asked Gabe.  
  
"Fighting over the TV remote downstairs" replied Aeris  
  
. Gabe nodded "Well I'll go downstairs and see if they all killed each other." With that Gabe got onto the elevator and headed down with  
  
Tifa following. Gabes guess proved to be right as everyone was busted up and battered in some way. Barrets gun arm was rammed  
  
down his throat, Yuffie was stuffed into the ceiling and Cid had his Venus Gospel stuck in his back and Vincent was lying face first on the  
  
ground.  
  
Barret pulled the gun arm out of his mouth "Who are you?" he asked.  
  
"Gabe Ricard the fan fic writer" replied Gabe. Everyone got up and Barret pulled Yuffie out of the ceiling Gabe and Tifa headed back  
  
upstairs with everyone but Cid following.  
  
Cid looked around and glared cluthcing his bloody shoulder "@#$% em I'm gonna watch the #@@$%ing Dukes!" With that he pushed  
  
the Tv back up and sat back to relax.  
  
"What should we do? Sighed Tifa trying hard not to fall asleep.  
  
"Perhaps we should go see a movie" suggested Vincent.  
  
"Maybe" said Cloud.  
  
Aeris got up "I'll go get a paper" she reached behind the bar and pulled out the latest addition of the Midgar Times. She laid down the  
  
list of movies on the table and everyone leaned down to try and looked for a movie that would seem interesting but no one found  
  
anything they liked.  
  
"There's nothing good in here!" whined Yufffie.  
  
Vincent slapped the back of her head "Thank you captain obvious" Yuffie only glared. Now with no more ideas everyone just sat around.  
  
Red XIII went back to a corner to sleep Cait Sith also fell alseep on his moggle. Yuffie kept dosing off and waking back off and Gabe,  
  
Cloud, Aeris, and Tifa played Poker. Barret with Marlene on his shoulder was ordering a pizza. A few minutes later the door burst in and  
  
everyone jumped to life as Sephiroth came in.  
  
"Sephiroth?!" exclaimed Cloud in shock.  
  
Sephiroth looked around the room and sighed "Who ordered the pizza" he asked dryly.  
  
Barret grabbed his wallet "I did how much?"  
  
"Lets see," thought Sephiroth aloud "how about 560,000,000,678,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 gill plus tip  
  
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah"  
  
Barret in a rage blew Sephiroths left shoulder off while Cid who had came up stairs rammed his Venus Gospel down Sephiroths throat.  
  
Gabe grinned and stood up "Watch this" he turned to Sephiroth "Sep" he began "Take the spear out of your mouth and shove it into  
  
your forhead" Sephiroth pulled the spear out of his mouth, beamed and rammed nearly the entire thing into his head then stumbled  
  
out the door. Gabe turned to the shocked Avalanche "Too bad someone's going to run up to Sephiroth and shove a small tactical  
  
nuclear weapon up his @#%$" Avalanche looked outside and sure enough a man came out of nowhere and shoved the mall tactical  
  
nuclear weapon up Sephiroths @#$%. Sehiroth crying like a little girl placed a cure materia over his @!#$ and flew away.  
  
Cloud looked at Gabe in shock "I guess the authors really do have a lot of power in their fan fics"  
  
Gabe nodded "yea I know"  
  
"Lets go to Disney Land" suggested Aeris for no apparent reason. Since no one could think of anything better to do it was decided they  
  
would go to Disney Land. Hoping into the buggy they sped off  
  
"Hey we're here already" commented Cid impressively as Avalanche got out of the buggy.  
  
"Another of the many powers possessed by the author" Gabe grinned.  
  
"Hey" said Barret who had left Marlene at Rocket Town with Shera who Cid recently married. "What the %$#@# is this?" he remarked as  
  
everyone looked up and saw the Disney land sign replaced with a Shinra Land sign.  
  
After a few moments of stunned silence Yuffie broke the silence with something intelligent and insightful "Oh my god Shinra has taken  
  
over Disney Land!"  
  
Vincent slapped the back of her head "Thank-you Captain Obvious"  
  
Yuffies eyes bulged out as she bolted around "STOP THAT!" she cried angrily.  
  
"Well" sighed Cloud "As long as we're here we may as well check it out" Cloud announced crossing his arms.  
  
"Hey Cloud take me on a ride" Aeris begged jumping right in front of him.  
  
Tifa shoved Aeris away and glared "No me!" She begged.  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"That's it!" yelled Tifa spearing Aeris and getting in a brawl with her. Cloud shook his head contemplating whether or not his should  
  
glance at the singles section again. The group left Tifa and Aeris to brawl and walked up to the ticket booth.  
  
"Ten tickets please" asked Cloud reaching into his wallet to get the gill.  
  
"Ok" said the ticket man "That's gonna cost you 4500000000000000000 gil and an Adult movie featuring Tifa, Aeris, and a horse."  
  
"WHAT?!" yelled Cloud more annoyed at the request for lots of money rather then the adult movie. The man stuck his head out of the  
  
booth and revealed it to be Rude. He laughed like a madman something, which no one in Avalanche had actually seen before. Vincent  
  
decided to take answer he morphed into Hellmasker and sliced Rudes left arm off with the chain saw. Rude wet his pants in pure terror  
  
then ran out of the booth carrying a Cure materia.  
  
"Now we get in for free!" exclaimed Cait Sith as the ten walked in Aeris and Tifa a little bruised having caught up with the group as both  
  
where too bruised up to continue to fight and where resorted to merely shooting vicious glares at one another.  
  
A few minutes later Avalanche where greeted by someone dressed up in a costume that was a mix of Mickey Mouse and Chucky  
  
Cheese.  
  
"Hey everyone" he exclaimed in a suspiciously familiar voice "Welcome to Shinra land hope you have a good time  
  
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahah." As he continued to laugh he took off the head to reveal Sephiroth.  
  
"!@$% you get around" remarked Barret surprised that Sephiroth was already back.  
  
"Have fun" he cackled looking ridiculous in the suit "hahahaha"  
  
"Shut the $$##@# up" yelled Gabe pulling out a grenade stuffing in the head and forcing the head back onto Sephiroth who ran a few  
  
feet before a small explosion rocked from the inside of the head. Sephiroth stumbled around a bit then flew up into the air and  
  
disappeared.  
  
After several minutes of laughing Cloud folded his arms and turned to face the group "Lets split up and meet back here in a few hours."  
  
Everyone nodded and ran off as Yuffie went with Vincent, Cait Sith and Red XIII went alone, Barret went with Cid and Tifa, Cloud, Aeris  
  
and Gabe all went together.  
  
As Barret and Cid walked through Shinra-Land they came to a throw the ball through the milk bottles stand. "Hey" asked Cid picking up  
  
a ball to try his luck "I thought Disney Land was a huge theme Park and resort."  
  
"It was" came a voice hidden in the shadows of the booth "Till Shinra bought out the area and turned it into a piece of #@$% carnival  
  
while still charging the original price!" The man came out of the shadows to reveal Reno. "Here try the game" he smirked.  
  
Cid who already had a ball shrugged and tossed it as it should have gone straight though but instead bounced off it" after the same  
  
thing happened with the other two shots Cid glared in frustration and anger "This $@!#$ing game is fixed!!!"  
  
Reno threw a ball up in the air and caught it "Care to try again?"  
  
Barret had enough "Shut up foo!" He yelled blowing Renos kneecaps off. Reno said nothing and just dropped to the ground twitching  
  
and mumbling. Cid who had gained a little respect for the man he called MR Tjr on a number of occasions laughed and kicked Reno in  
  
the head as he and Barret walked off.  
  
Cloud, Gabe, Aeris and Tifa walked though another section of the seemingly endless carnival they soon came to the tunnel of love  
  
Tifa reacted before Aeris did "Oh Cloud take me on!"  
  
Aeris shoved her out of Clouds sight "No cloud take me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me!"  
  
"Me silicone queen!!"  
  
"THAT'S IT!!!" Tifa speared Aeris and got into another brawl with her. Cloud looked at Gabe then looked down at the catfight.  
  
"How about I just take BOTH of you on?" he suggested. Both girls got up and nodded eagerly.  
  
Gabe stifled laughing "I'll wait here" Cloud and the girls paid and went in while Gabe stood and waited.  
  
Gabe yawned and looked at his watch. Just then Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan walked up to Gabe. "Hey guys" said Gabe a little  
  
surprised.  
  
"Hey" replied Rob Zombie while Jackie Chan merly nodded silently. A few minutes later Cloud, Aeris, and Tifa emerged from the tunnel  
  
of love.  
  
"Boy it was dark in there" remarked Cloud.  
  
"Hey Cloud" smiled Tifa "Thanks for giving me tounge in there."  
  
Aeris's eyes widened "The !@#$%& he did he gave ME tongue AND grabbed my ass!" she retorted. They both shot their glares to Cloud  
  
who looked blankly at them  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about" he said "I never grabbed anyone's ass or gave them tongue." Tifa and Aeris realizing at that  
  
moment what had happened turned pale white and looked away. Cloud ignored them and turned to Gabe 'What's Rob Zombie and  
  
Jackie Chan doing here?" he asked.  
  
"Oh they joined our party" replied Gabe.  
  
Cloud shook their hands and nodded "It's an honor!"  
  
"What should we do next?" asked Gabe.  
  
Red XIII walked through the carnival finding nothing that interested him. He then saw Cait Sith with a small crowd gathered before him.  
  
Red got a little closer and saw that true to his nature that for only 1000 gil Cait would tell them their future. Red XIII ignored the  
  
spectacle and continued walking until he came to a house of mirrors. Determined to do something at the carnival he walked in. After a  
  
few minutes of walking though the mirrors and seeing himself in all the bizarre shapes he decided he had had enough. As he tried to  
  
leave however he walked into a mirror. "That's funny" he thought "I could have sworn this was the way out ah well" he walked in another  
  
direction but instead walked into another mirror. Getting a little frustrated he tried every direction but couldn't find the way out. Red XIII  
  
was by now in a rage and began Sled Fanging in all directions. Soon the entire hall of mirrors was reduced to nothing. Exhausted Red  
  
looked at the piles of broken glass and walked out deciding he had had enough "fun" for one day.  
  
As Gabe, Tifa, Cloud, Aeris, Jackie Chan and Rob Zombie walked though Shinra Land they soon came to Rufus Shinra who was dressed  
  
as a security guard. "Why are you dressed like that when you own Shinra?" asked Cloud.  
  
Rufus was silent then said "This is my way of staying in touch with the common people."  
  
"Very admirable" said Tifa regaining her color and speaking for the first time in several minutes.  
  
"But we are still going to kill your sorry ass" said Gabe. With that Jackie Chan nailed Rufus with a furious 450 hit combo then tossed him  
  
into Rob Zombie who nailed him with his guitar. Then Gabe pulled out a crowbar and when he was done Rufus lay broken battered and  
  
bloody. Just then Elena and Heidbennger ran past Avalanche and to Rufus's side. Heidbennger looked up at Avalanche and begun to  
  
sob uncontrollably.  
  
"Oh quit your whining," said Aeris Hitting him in the head with her Princess Guard. Elena then blew Cloud a kiss and tried to run away but  
  
had her head kicked off by Tifa to reveal a robot. "Holy @#$$ Elena's a robot!" exclaimed Gabe in surprise  
  
"What a shock" remarked Cloud. Heidbennger continued to cry till finally Gabe yanked him up and pushed him into jackie chan who  
  
unleashed the dreaded touch of death on Heidnbennger killing him instantly. As the heros decided what to do next they saw several  
  
security guards dragging Vincent and Yuffie away.  
  
Cloud and the others ran in front of the guards to see what was the problem. "What's going on here?" demanded Cloud annoyed.  
  
One of the guards turned to the group "This guy right here is under arrest for attacking small children and biting their necks. This one"  
  
he continued pointing at Yuffie "is under arrest for indecent exposure, Assault with a deadly weapon, 3 accounts of assault and battery,  
  
5 accounts of GTA, 18 accounts of burglary resisting arrest and attempted murder." As cloud shook his head Tifa leaped into the air and  
  
nailed one of the guards with a Dolphin Dive. Rob Zombie twisted another head off. Then Aeris used a bolt 3 spell to take out two and  
  
Gabe and Jackie Chan worked together to take out the rest of them. As everyone quickly walked away from the scene  
  
Cloud turned to Yuffie and glared "Indecent exposure?"  
  
"Don't ask" replied Yuffie looking down at the ground in order to avoid looking into anyone's eyes. Before Cloud could question Yuffie  
  
further and then Vincent, Cid, Barret, Cait Sith, and Red XIII where spotted by Tifa.  
  
"Lets burn this #@!$ hole down!" suggested Cid as Avalanche, Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan stood at the entrance to Shinra Land to  
  
decide how to finish up an uneventful day.  
  
"For once that's a Good idea Cid" replied Gabe as everyone walked to the buggy. "But how?" he asked.  
  
"Give me a minute" yelled Cid as he ran off and a few minutes later everyone looked up to see the highwind overhead. The ship went  
  
directly over Shinra Land and dropped several thousand gallons of Gasoline onto Shinra Land. Cid then jumped out of the highwind  
  
which rose up and flew back into the direction it had come from. Cid took a deep breath then produced a match "Someone needs to  
  
take this match drop it into Shinra land and run like hell." Silence filled the parking lot before Jackie Chan and Rob Zombie volunteered  
  
for the task. Rob Zombie and Jackie Chan walked up to Shinra Land which was flooded in Gasoline and after what seemed like a  
  
moment of hesitation dropped the match in and before they could escape where engulfed in a huge cloud of fire from which Avalanche  
  
was barely able to escape themselves.  
  
By the time they got back to Tifas 7th Heaven it was quite dark. "Want to stay the night?" offered Tifa.  
  
Gabe nodded "Yea sure but where can I go?"  
  
"Not my house" said Cid "There's no room. Speaking of which I'm going home Barret come with me so you can pick up your kid!" Barret  
  
nodded and followed Cid out the door.  
  
"He can sleep downstairs in the TV room." Said Tifa ending all arguments.  
  
"So Cloud" asked Aeris "Who are you going to sleep with tonight?" At that moment Gabe went down with the others to to watch TV as  
  
the war between Tifa and Aeris continued to rage upstairs. 


	3. 1.02-Video Store From Hell

Final Fantasy 7-#2  
  
"The video store from hell"  
  
Written By Gabe Ricard  
  
  
  
The following is the continuation to the wildly successful FF7 Fan Fic "Total Boredom" (I Wish) and since I want to improve as a writer, I  
  
will welcome any and all comments at gothglam_666@hotmail.com. The characters and names in this are not mine (except Gabe) and  
  
are owned by Squaresoft, New Line Cinema, Nothing Records and View Askew. Enjoy the fic.....  
  
"You know its bad when even the winos have better things to do than come here" sighed Tifa, staring out the window of the 7th Heaven  
  
on a miserable rainy day. Everyone but Cid, Yuffie and Red XIII were out doing something. Tifa was just about to fall asleep when a  
  
slightly familiar voice caused her to look up and see Gabe standing in front of her. "It's been awhile since you were last here. What's  
  
new?"  
  
"Not much" replied Gabe. "My real life still sucks, so I figured I'd stop by here again."  
  
Tifa yawned "Well, I hate to disappoint you but nothing much is happening here Cid, Yuffie, and Red and myself are the only ones  
  
here. Got any ideas for something to do?" she asked.  
  
Gabe thought for a moment. "Well we could rent some movies."  
  
"Ok" said Tifa, getting up. "Go tell the others and we'll go."  
  
Gabe nodded, and went down below. To his surprise, Cid was sitting in a chair watching Dukes and Yuffie sitting on the couch. Cid  
  
looked up "Hey Gabe."  
  
Gabe was in slight disbelief. "How did you not only get Yuffie to let you watch something, but also let you watch the Dukes?"  
  
Cid held up a needle. "I gave her some valium."  
  
"NOT ENOUGH YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!!!!" Cid turned around to see Yuffie spring at him and begin pounding the crap out of him with  
  
such fury it made even Red XIII, who had been watching in the corner, flinch.  
  
Gabe shook his head "Tifa and I are going to rent movies. The three of you are welcome to come along." Yuffie got off Cid and headed  
  
up to the bar. Red followed and Cid, with a little help from Gabe, went up shortly after.  
  
"We have to take the buggy. The airship's busted right now," said Cid. The five walked over to the buggy  
  
"Where are we going for the movies?" asked Gabe.  
  
"Shinra Video it's the only store in Midgar," said Red XIII.  
  
"@#$%" cursed Gabe, getting into the buggy. Moments later, the buggy shot down past the bar to the video store.  
  
"Pull over. I have to take a #@%^" announced Cid, a few minutes later.  
  
Tifa, who was driving, sighed, and pulled over to a store. Everyone got out to go do something. Gabe walked into the store, and  
  
grabbed a can of Dr. Pepper and walked to the counter.  
  
"And that, my friend, is why Star Wars Episode 2 is doomed to failure."  
  
Gabe looked at the man leaning on the counter in surprise, then looked at the man behind the counter. "Hey, aren't you Dante Hicks  
  
and Randal Graves from the legendary cult classic Clerks?" Dante nodded. Gabe was impressed having just met the two stars of the  
  
greatest movie ever made. He put the Dr. Pepper on the table. "Ring this up."  
  
Dante's eyes widened. "I'm not supposed to be here today."  
  
Gabe shrugged "Well since you ARE here, could you ring this up?"  
  
Dante's face turned pale and frantic, "But I'm NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!!!!!!" His head began twitching,  
  
Randal grabbed Gabe's Dr. Pepper and rung it up quickly, then handed it to him and sighed. "He's having some problems right now, so  
  
you'd better get out before things get-"  
  
Randals words were interrupted as Dante grabbed Gabe by his shirt and pulled him close to him."DON'T YOU $#$^ING GET IT\?!?!? THIS  
  
WAS MY DAY OFF!!!!! I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY!!!!!!!" He threw Gabe into a wall, and broke down sobbing. Gabe  
  
grabbed his soda off the floor and ran outside.  
  
"Gabe go back in there and get me some cigarettes" asked Cid.  
  
Gabe got in the car quickly " Get it yourself."  
  
"Holy testicle Tuesday. Since when is a video store 20 %$#*ing stories?!!??" said Gabe, awestruck. "I guess we can split up, get what we  
  
want, and meet back in a couple hours." Cid said nothing and walked ahead into the video. Tifa and Gabe followed him inside. They  
  
walked in one direction, and Red XIII and Yuffie walked in another.  
  
"Hey, this could be useful," said Gabe, as he and Tifa came to an elevator that showed which genres were on what floor.  
  
"I want a comedy," said Tifa, studying the long list of floor descriptions. "And that's on the 15th floor."  
  
"Well, I want horror, and that's on the 19th floor. We may as well get yours first." Tifa nodded, and the two got in an elevator, where  
  
they were met by the elevator attendant who happened to be Rude.  
  
"Where to?" Rude asked.  
  
"Why are you an elevator attendant?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Rufus got mad, and blamed us for what you morons did to Shinra Land, so he has us all doing demeaning jobs now. So where to?"  
  
"The 15th floor" replied Tifa.  
  
Rude smiled. "That'll be 10,000 gil."  
  
"You're on drugs, you bald bastard, if you think I'm going to give you even a nickel," said Gabe.  
  
Rude shrugged "Then this elevator doesn't move."  
  
Tifa replied by winding back and kicking Rude in the nuts with such force that Rudes eye's popped through his shades. "Where to?"  
  
grinned Gabe, hitting the button for the 15th floor.  
  
"Wow, Shera and I ought to try that postion some time," thought Cid, looking through several rows of porno flicks. He noticed Reno who  
  
appeared to be fixated on a tape with men on it. "Reno, you flaming queer, what the ^%$& are you doing?!?"  
  
Reno snapped back to life. "Cid,..um, errrr DIE!!!!!!" Reno charged at Cid who simply shook his head  
  
"Reno, I'm going to have to spear you onto the wall." Before Reno could attack, Cid pulled out the Venus Gospel and rammed it into  
  
Renos forehead. He pulled the spear out and laughed. "I don't think I will ever get tired of spearing Shinra employees into the wall."  
  
With that, Cid pulled the spear out, and continued to walk along looking for a movie.  
  
"Yuffie, for the last time we are not renting Stuart Little." Red was growing tired of Yuffie's whining, God knows how many times already,  
  
to rent a movie of Yuffie's choosing. "Heres a good movie, Dogs in the Wild, by National Geographic."  
  
Yuffie stomped her foot. "Nooooooo."  
  
Red grabbed the movie with his teeth, and continued to walk. Jay and Silent Bob walked by, and stopped. "Look Silent Bob, it's  
  
Catdog!"  
  
Red XIII glared. "Do not call me Catdog."  
  
Jay laughed. "Hey, Bob, check it out Catdog can &^%$ing talk!!"  
  
Red XIII felt himself getting angrier. "I said, don't call me Catdog."  
  
Jay pulled a joint out of his pocket, and offered it to Red XIII. "Here Catdog, smoke this. You'll feel better."  
  
"You're pushing it, stoner," he growled through his teeth.  
  
Jay leaned down "Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatddddddddddoooooggggg."  
  
Red XIII bared his fangs."One more time"  
  
"Caaaaaatttttdddooggggggggg, Caaaaaaaattttttttdo-ahhhh, #$%^ ^%^* ^^^&&^^%^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$" Jay cried out a number of  
  
obscenities as Red XIII jumped on him and began tearing at his shoulder.  
  
Yuffie looked at Silent Bob in horror. "Aren't you going to help him?"  
  
Silent Bob took a long drag of his cigarette, and turned to Yuffie. "One minute." He turned back and smiled as he watched Jay fight Red  
  
XIII, then he sighed. "OK." He walked over and threw Red off Jay, then threw Jay on his shoulder, and walked away.  
  
Red XIII turned to Yuffie. "One $%^&ing word and I'll tear out YOUR throat." Yuffie said nothing and saw another movie she liked, but  
  
thought better of mentioning it.  
  
"Damn, how many movies are there?!?" exclaimed Gabe, who was eager to look for his movie.  
  
"Lets just look around for little bit, then we'll look for your movie," said Tifa.  
  
Gabe nodded, and walked with Tifa through the comedy section, seeing nothing interesting in the labyrinth of movies. Tifa noticed The  
  
Breakfast Club, and pointed to it. "Let's get that one."  
  
Gabe grabbed it, and noticed a counter a few shelves down. "Great let's pay for it and go get my movie."  
  
They walked to the counter, and to their surprise, saw Rufus wearing a Shinra video T-shirt standing behind the counter. Rufus looked at  
  
Tifa and Gabe and rolled his eyes, "What the hell are you two doing here?"  
  
"What does it look like? We're renting movies ring this up," said Gabe. He threw the tape on the counter. "Why are you, the owner of  
  
the company, working the counter at the video store?"  
  
Rufus looked at them and shook his head "I told you before. I'm doing this to interact with the common people more." He handed  
  
them the movie. "That'll be 55,000,000 gil. hahahahahahahahaha!!"  
  
Gabe looked at Rufus in disgust "What is with you and charging outrageous prices. What kind of ^%$#ing idiot do you think would  
  
actually pay that?" At that moment, Scarlet walked up to the counter, paid for her movie and left. Gabe shook his head "I stand  
  
corrected." He decided to use a little of his author's power. He turned to Rufus. "Hey Rufus, it's too bad Marilyn Manson will pop behind  
  
you and rip your heart out.  
  
Rufus laughed. "What? That's-" before Rufus could say a word Marilyn Manson slowly appeared behind him, spun Rufus around, and  
  
tore his heart out in one swift motion. Gabe was silent for a moment, then noticed Dogma. "Hey Manson, you wanna grab Dogma for  
  
me?"  
  
Manson grabbed the tape and jumped over the counter. "Lets go." Gabe nodded, and the three walked over to the elevator.  
  
After paying for, Better sex after 40, Cid walked around the video store looking for Gabe and the others.  
  
As he walked around, a man in a giant Barney costume jumped in front of him. "Heyyyyy you look like someone who really really would  
  
like to own my new sing along tape!" Cid said nothing, and just stood there in disbelief. Barney was not about to go with out plugging  
  
some more of his stuff " I bet you want a Barney doll for your grandkids!!"  
  
Cid's eyes twitched he looked up at Barney, his cigarette ready to fall out of his mouth. "What the #$@% did you say, you 400 pound  
  
pile of purple $#%&?"  
  
Barney sensed some hostility, and decided to bring out the big weapon. He stretched out his arms, and walked towards Cid, "I  
  
looooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."  
  
A minute later, Cid pulled the spear out. He decided they probably wouldn't be able to figure out what he was anyway. Feeling slightly  
  
calmer, Cid walked down the asile to look for the others.  
  
"Okay, Yuffie, we have our movies. Let's go." Yuffie nodded, mad because they had rented two National Geographic movies, but  
  
nothing for her.  
  
"Now, which way did we come?" wondered Red XIII, aloud.  
  
Yuffie shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
Red XIII groaned "Just %$#&ing great. We''re lost."  
  
Yuffie's eyes widened, and she burst into tears "Wahhhhhhhhhh, we're lost, we're lost. We're gonna die. Wahhhhhhhh!!!"  
  
"Don't worry, I'll help you!" Indiana Jones jumped in front of them, brandishing his whip.  
  
Yuffie stopped crying, and jumped up in the air. "YAHHHH, we're saved!"  
  
Indiana nodded. "Okay, lets go!" Indiana Jones ran up ahead and only a few seconds later a boulder fell from out of nowhere and  
  
crushed him.  
  
Yuffie resumed her crying. "Nooooooo now we're gonna die I don't wanna die!! Wahhhhhhh!!"  
  
Red said nothing. He slumped into a corner, making a resolution to stay home the next time anyone went anywhere.  
  
"I was wondering. Why am I here?" asked Marilyn Manson as he, Gabe and Tifa walked around the 15th floor.  
  
"Because, on its own, this fan fic is pretty weak. So I figured adding some celebrities may hold some of the readers' attention for at  
  
least for a few more minutes." Manson nodded, and the three continued walking. Before long, they came to an elevator. "'Where to?"  
  
Gabe realized it was Hojo, and before Hojo could say a word Gabe punched him in the face, knocking him out.  
  
Tifa was startled and jumped back "Why did you do that?" she asked, looking down at Hojo who, more than likely, had a broken nose.  
  
Gabe hit the button for the 19th floor, and shrugged. "Just saving us the aggravation later. Besides, at least he lives." As he said this,  
  
the elevator doors opened. A dozen sumo wrestlers stormed in, trampling Hojo to death.  
  
Cid looked around and realized Gabe would probably be in the horror movie section. He walked over to the elevator and opened it.  
  
"Holy #$@% is that Hojo?" Cid leaned closer "What the %$#^ happened to him?" Cid kept his lunch and hit the 19th floor.  
  
"Yuffie, shut the hell up!!!!!!!!!" Red XIII had had the unfortunate pleasure of having to listen to Yuffie cry in the most ungodly,  
  
obscene, high-pitched child like voice he had ever heard, for the last ten minutes. This was not only driving him insane, but making it  
  
completely impossible for him to concentrate and figure out where they should go.  
  
Yuffie, in true child like fashion, instantly stopped crying. "But we're lost. We'll never find a way out!"  
  
Red sighed. "I have an idea. Get on my back and we will jump over shelf after shelf until we get out. It can't possibly go on forever."  
  
Yuffie nodded and got onto Red's back. Red began leaping over shelf after shelf.  
  
"Gabe! Tifa! Its about %$#^ing time I found you guys." He began to walk over, then stopped and nearly fell over at the site of Marilyn  
  
Manson, who Cid had never seen nor heard before. "What the %$#& is that?!?!."  
  
Marilyn Manson glared at Cid "I'm Marilyn Manson you red neck $#@^!!"  
  
Cid was about to respond, but Gabe stopped him. "Let's just get a movie and go." The four walked a short way, stopping to look at  
  
various titles.  
  
They stopped as they heard a chain saw whirring behind them. They turned around to see Jason Voorhees standing over the  
  
decapitated bodies of Scarlet, Palmer and Heidbennger. "AHHHHHHH," screamed Cid, who was about to run like hell, but saw Gabe, Tifa  
  
and Manson standing their ground and decided to do the same.  
  
Jason lifted the chainsaw in the air ready to bring it down on them, when Marilyn Manson reached back and tore the mask off. Instead  
  
of the horrible disfigured face of Jason, they saw the horrible disfigured face of Sephiroth. "Sephiroth?!?" cried Gabe in complete  
  
surprise.  
  
Sephiroth cackled "Yeah. Admit it. You lame asses were scared.  
  
Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!"  
  
Gabe shrugged. "I'll admit I was scared, but now we're going to have to kill you."  
  
Sephiroth drew his mansuame and glared. "Just try it-ahhhhhhhh!!!!" Sephiroth fell back as Cid's spear stuck out of his head. Gabe  
  
gave him the Stunner, then Tifa nailed him with a Final Heaven and Marilyn Manson added the final touch by tearing out all his hair,  
  
then strapping him to a keg of dynamite. Gabe saw a door opening to stairs that went to the top floor and also stairs to the bottom  
  
floor. Gabe lit the keg and pushed it down the stairs and slammed the door. They heard an explosion several moments later. Silence  
  
filled the air for a few minutes before Gabe saw a movie. "Hey," he said. "It's Leprechaun 5." Gabe grabbed it. He walked over to the  
  
counter and paid for the movie.  
  
"Well that's it. I guess we can get out of here." Gabe stopped and looked around "Are we forgetting something.?" Cid gave Gabe a  
  
"how-the-%$&*-should-I-know"look.  
  
Then Tifa nodded. "Oh yeah. I remember what we forgot. I owe the store money for a movie I brought back late." She shrugged. "It's  
  
no big deal. Let's go."  
  
Gabe turned to Marilyn Manson. "What are your plans?"  
  
"I guess I'll go with you guys and then just go my own way." Gabe nodded, and everyone got in the buggy and headed back to the bar.  
  
"Hey guys, where you been?" asked Cait Sith. Gabe held up some movies as he and the others walked in. Everyone but Cloud and Aeris  
  
had returned.  
  
Tifa clenched her fist and grumbled, "I will get that two-cent whore yet!!" Vincent had to be sedated from the excitement of meeting  
  
Marilyn Manson.  
  
"Thanks for staying to watch my movie with me, Gabe," said Tifa, as later that night Gabe and Tifa were watching their movies.  
  
Gabe shrugged "No problem." Tifa yawned, and a few moments later, she fell asleep on Gabe's left shoulder. Gabe thought for a  
  
moment. He could really abuse his fan fic author power, but decided against it. He went back to watching the movie.  
  
End 


	4. 1.03-Deathmatch

Final Fantasy 7-#3  
  
"DeathMatch" Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
  
  
Here it is again more of that wacky stuff that my fan base of 3 (mother, cat, and invisible friend) have come to expect. Of all the fics  
  
thus far this one saw the most rewriting which I'll get into later. For now enjoy the fic and send all comments questions threats bribes  
  
and so n to gothglam_666@hotmail.com. Thanks for reading and enjoy!  
  
  
  
"What's going on here?" asked Gabe walking into Tifa's 7th Heaven.  
  
Cloud walked up to him "Hey Gabe we're going to the Celebrity Deathmatch arena your welcome to come along."  
  
"Why are you going there?" asked Gabe taking off his jacket.  
  
"Tifa and Aeris are going to do battle!" interrupted Cait Sith "At last I can watch a cat-fight live without having to rent porn!"  
  
Gabe looked at him wondering what use a mechanical cat could possibly have for porn and said nothing. He turned back to Cloud  
  
"When are we leaving?"  
  
"Right now" he replied. "So you're coming?"  
  
Gabe shrugged "What else am I going to do? Lets go." With that Avalanche got into the airship and headed to the Celebrity  
  
Deathmatch arena.  
  
"I am going to kill that $#^%!!" growled Tifa throwing some punches in the air on the deck of the airship. "And when I DO kill her Cloud  
  
will want me and not her!" Tifa jumped up in the air and threw a roundhouse kick "I'm the martial artist what doe's she have? Nothing!"  
  
Tifa grinned and threw some more punches more than eager for the upcoming fight.  
  
"Let me get this straight." Said Yuffie as Tifa and Yuffie stood in a corner of the bridge "You want me to put on this Tifa mask and act  
  
like Tifa? Why?"  
  
"Because I need all the practice I can get now put the mask on and act like Tifa!" snapped Aeris. Yuffie sighed and put the mask on.  
  
"You're just standing there do something!" said Aeris impatiently.  
  
"Like what?" said Yuffie.  
  
Aeris shrugged "Say something Tifa would say."  
  
Yuffie thought for a moment then an idea came to her. She took a deep breath and stood back before saying in a voice that sounded  
  
hauntingly like Tifa's "Hey Aeris even though I'm a two-cent #@%& Cloud's most likely going to marry me and your going to end up  
  
marrying some dumbass!"  
  
Aeris felt her anger rising "Shut up Tifa Cloud loves ME not some street corner %$#^"  
  
Yuffie surpirsed how much Aeris was getting into this was beginning to enjoy this "Aeris quit lying to yourself you're a perky annoying flat  
  
cheated self righteous #$^& no one in their right mind would even want to sit next to you let alone marry."  
  
"THAT'S IT!!!" Aeris drove her Princess Guard into Yuffies stomach causing her to fall against the wall. Aeris beat Yuffie down with the  
  
Princess Guard then cast Bio3 and stormed away.  
  
Yuffie pulled the Tifa mask off and groaned "At least I know who to bet on." She mumbled before running off to throw up.  
  
"We're here announced Cloud as Gabe looked out the window to see the Deathmatch arena which judging by all the cars parked around  
  
it was going to be a packed house that night.  
  
"Where the #@%$ do we park asked Cid after conferring with the pilot." Barret and Cloud walked to the window. Barret saw a limousine  
  
parked in one area that was so huge it easily covered the same area the airship could.  
  
He pointed at the limo "Down there foo! on top of that limo."  
  
Cid nodded and turned to the pilot "Park the $#^&ing ship down on top of the limo. The pilot nodded and slowly lowered the ship down  
  
until it landed crushing the limo into a giant rectangular pancake. As everyone got off Cid turned to the pilot "Stay here and wait for us!"  
  
The pilot as well as the two other guys who stand on the ship for no real reason nodded. When Cid left with the others the pilot turned  
  
to the others and sighed "God I hate that guy." The others agreed.  
  
"He needs to get some or something doesn't he have a girlfriend? That Shera chick?"  
  
"Yea." Replied the third "But have you ever seen her? she's a dog man! Besides if you where Shera would you wanna see an old guy  
  
like Cid NAKED?" The other two laughed in agreement not hearing Cid slowly walk into view having heard the entire conversation.  
  
"Hey dumb@$$es the next time you talk about your employer wait until you sure he left the #$%^ing room!" The three pilots turned  
  
around and one was impaled with Cids spear the other was turned into a crispy critter with a flare spell. The third tried to attack Cid who  
  
drove the spear into his forehead. "No one calls me OLD MAN" grumbled Cid storming off the airship  
  
"You all haven't gone in yet?" said Cid in surprise as he came out of the ship to see everyone still standing only a few feet from the  
  
airship. When no one responded he walked up to them and stood next to Gabe and Vincent to see to his surprise Alice Cooper with  
  
Courtney Love.  
  
"What the %$^& where you morons thinking?! That was MY limo I'll have you know!"  
  
Cloud shrugged "So?"  
  
Alice Cooper didn't respond directly to Cloud and continued his ranting then pointed at the heroes and shot them a poisonous glare  
  
"Mark my words you WILL pay for this!!" Courtney Love barely hanging off Alice's left shoulder simply giggled and slammed back a  
  
bottle of cheap liquor consuming the entire thing before throwing it Avalanche hitting Vincent in the head  
  
"Owwww son of a $%&!" growled Vincent pulling the glass out of his hair.  
  
After Alice stormed away Gabe turned to Cloud and shook his head "That's just what we need a washed up rock star and a drunken  
  
psycho-whore out for revenge on us."  
  
"It's no big deal any one of us except Cid could kick his @$$ lets go."  
  
"Hey!" said Cid "I can kick anybody's @$$!"  
  
"Yea if their completely defenseless" replied Red XIII walking ahead of Cid.  
  
"Shut up cat-dog!" snapped Cid  
  
"If it isn't the stars of Final Fantasy 7"annouced a familiar voice as Avalanche walked into an office and coming face to face with the  
  
owner's of Celebrity Deathmatch as well as the arena, Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez. They noticed Gabe and shook his hand as well.  
  
Gabe was a bit surprised "You guys own Celebrity Deathmatch?"  
  
Nick nodded "That's right" he turned to the others "Besides the Tifa vs Aeris fight for tonight we decided to make the entire night FF7  
  
theme so with that we have some other matches for you guys heroes the run down. He laid a sheet down on his desk which read out the  
  
nights matches like this:  
  
Main Event  
  
Tifa Lockheart VS Aeris Gainsborough  
  
Other Matches  
  
Red XIII + Yuffie Kisaragi VS Calvin + Hobbes  
  
Sephiroth VS Darth Vader  
  
Cloud Strife, Barret Wallace, Cid Highwind, Vincent Valentine, and Cait Sith VS the Backstreet Boys  
  
Rob Zombie VS Alice Cooper VS Marilyn Manson  
  
  
  
"What about me?" asked Gabe looking up from the match sheet.  
  
"Your not an FF7 character so we can't put you into the matches." Replied Johnny Gomez he thought for a  
  
Moment "We could use you as a guest celebrity locker room interviewer."  
  
"But I'm not a celebrity." Replied Gabe  
  
Nick Diamond shrugged "These morons will never know the difference." He turned to the rest of Avalanche "You all can head to the  
  
locker room to get ready for your matches the guy outside will show you where to go. If you'll excuse Nick and myself we have to get to  
  
the commentary booth." With that Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez walked out with Avalanche following.  
  
"Yuffie!" snapped Cloud "Get out of their drawers!" Yuffie grumbled stuffing some money in her pocket and following the others.  
  
Match Time  
  
Johnny Gomez: Hello fans tonight we have one of our largest cards ever as each of the stars of the hit video game Final Fantasy 7 do  
  
battle wit the main event being the eagerly anticipated Tifa Lockheart VS Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
Nick Diamond: In addition to the FF7 matches tonight we will also see the battle of the hard rock icons as Rob Zombie takes on the  
  
legendary Alice Cooper! Johnny this is the biggest card to date!  
  
Johnny: Right you are Nick lets waste no time and get to our first match as Red XIII also known as Nanaki alongside the thieving  
  
#@%^ Yuffie Kisaragi take on the much loved but long out of action Calvin and Hobbes.  
  
Red and Hobbes weren't really concerned with fighting and instead engaged in conversation after finding out they had much in common.  
  
Calvin and Yuffie on the other hand where a different story  
  
"Die @^$#^%^#%$#%$#^%!!!!!!!!" cried Calvin leaping at Yuffie who leap froged over Calvin and kicked him in the back of the head  
  
causing him to crash into the turnbuckle.  
  
"Shut up you little midget" retorted Yuffie taking out Magic Shuriken and whipping it at Calvin taking off his left hand. Calvin continued  
  
his strategy and charged again at Yuffie this time catching her and pounding her into the corner with lefts and rights.  
  
Yuffie kicked Calvin back and laughed "Ha! If that's all you got then I'm gonna kick your @$$!!"  
  
Calvin grinned evilly "That's not all I have get ready for a grade A beating courtesy of." He leaped in the air and disappeared in a flash  
  
of smoke. When the smoke died down Yuffie saw Calvin decked out in a red cape and mask grinning. "Stupendous man!" Yuffie  
  
charged at Calvin her shuriken raised high but Calvin shot right at her nailing her in the stomach. With Yuffie doubled over in pain  
  
Calvin went for the kill pounding her so badly she eventually died making Calvin and Hobbes the winners.  
  
"Red? You may want to check on your friend," said Hobbes breaking the conversation the two where having.  
  
Red XIII looked over and saw Calvin still pounding Yuffie and nodded "Good idea I think Calvin may need to be taken away as well."  
  
Hobbes agreed and the two walked over to the fight. Hobbes grabbed Calvin and managed to pull him away from pummeling Yuffie and  
  
Red XIII dropped a phoenix down on Yuffie and dragged her away.  
  
Johnny: Thanks to Calvins transformation into the mighty Stupendous Man, Calvin and Hobbes where able to win this one even though  
  
Hobbes and Red XIII didn't really do anything.  
  
Nick: That's right Johnny but the fans got their moneys worth from Calvin and Yuffie  
  
Johnny" Lets go to the locker room where our guest celebrity interviewer Gabe Ricard is talking to Alice Cooper.  
  
"Thanks Nick." Said Gabe holding a mic standing next to Alice Cooper and Courtney Love. "I'm here with Alice Cooper who tonight will-  
  
ahhh" Gabes words where cut short as Alice Copper grabbed him by the cuff of his shirt.  
  
"Time to pay you back for what you did to my limo!" he spat. As he said this Alice Cooper pulled out a nightstick that shot out electric  
  
pulses. Cackling Alice was about to drive it into Gabe's skull when Rob Zombie ran by and knocked Alice Cooper and Courtney Love  
  
back.  
  
Gabe slowly rose to his feet "Hey thanks Rob no grudge from what happened in Total Boredom?"  
  
Rob shook his head "Hell no man I'm a zombie anyway." Before Rob could say another word Alice attacked driving the nightstick into  
  
Rob Zombies skull sending 500,000,000 volts of electricity through his body causing him to explode.  
  
Alice Cooper laughed maniacally raising his nightstick in the air "Hahahahahah I am the king of shock rock hahahah!"  
  
Gabe turned to the camera "Well Nick and Johnny looks like the match has been cancel-what now?!" Gabe jumped back as Marilyn  
  
Manson ran into the room decking Alice Cooper in the head and knocking Courtney Love into the wall.  
  
Manson grabbed the nightstick and drove into Alice Coopers chest. "You're not the king of shock rock I AM!" He slowly got up and  
  
looked into the camera then left.  
  
Gabe looked around at all the carnage and took a deep breath before returning to the camera which amazingly was still there. "Um.  
  
Back to you guys"  
  
Nick: All I have to say is wow Johnny we got double the carnage here as Alice Cooper blew up Rob Zombie only to have Marilyn Manson  
  
come in and take out Alice Cooper!  
  
Johnny: We're going to need someone to clean up the mess down there and while we do lets go to the next match as Sephiroth battles  
  
Darth Vader!  
  
"Sephiroth prepare to meet your doom at the hands of the Empire!" breathed Darth Vader with his light saber in hand.  
  
Sephiroth drew his mansuame and shook his head "We'll see."  
  
As they stood in the ring Mills Lane got between the two "Ok one of you is the one of the universes most powerful dictators the other  
  
one is a sissy girl I expect the sissy girl to get the $#^* beat out of him now, lets get it on!"  
  
Sephiroth raised his Mansuame in the air and cried out "Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" before charging at Darth Vader who stood his ground  
  
then just as the Mansuame was an inch away from his head Vader ducked down and sliced Sephiroth in half making him the winner.  
  
Johnny: I don't believe it Nick! Darth Vader has beaten Sephiroth in..we're checking this now.Yes! Darth Vader has beaten Sephiroth in  
  
record time!  
  
Nick: Amazing Johnny! The FF7 cast is 0-2 as of now but have a chance to change that as we get right to our next match Cloud Strife,  
  
Barret Wallace, Cid Highwind, Vincent Valentine, and Cait Sith VS the Backstreet Boys!  
  
"Ha you guys are no match for the Backstreet Boys!" taunted one of its members pointing in the direction of the heroes. Cloud drew his  
  
ultimate weapon as did Vincent, Cait Sith, and Cid.  
  
"Oh no!" cried another member hiding behind the other four.  
  
A third member shook his head "Don't worry we have the power of our millions of fans behind us!"  
  
"But most of them are booing" replied the one hiding.  
  
"They probably just don't recognize us come on enough talking lets get them! The Backstreet Boys charged in and one of them where  
  
taken out right off the bat with Clouds sword. Two of them ganged up on Cid and stomped him down. Barret saw this and fired at them  
  
but both of them ducked and double kicked Barret in the stomach. While one of them was punching at Barret the other turned around  
  
and was impaled by Cids spear. Vincent was being pummeled in the corner as well until he turned into Chaos and used Chaos Saber to  
  
slice the Backstreet boy into a million little pieces.  
  
"Oh no there's only two of us left!" cried the one fighting Barret and now Cait Sith.  
  
"Don't give up hope! We can win this!" replied the other dodging some bullets from Vincent then jumped over Cloud and kicked Cait  
  
Sith as he turned around Vincent turned into Hellmasker and sliced him in half.  
  
The surviving Backstreet Boy swung a punch at Barret who shot him across the ring with a BigShot making Cloud and the others the  
  
winners.  
  
Johnny: What a spectacle Nick!  
  
Nick: I don't think the Backstreet Boys had much of a chance in this one! It's time for the main event but right after this break.  
  
"Hey Manson!" Said Gabe just as Marilyn Manson was about to walk out of the arena.  
  
Manson turned around "Yea? What?"  
  
"Are you sure Alice Cooper's dead?"  
  
Manson nodded "Trust me that washed up $#^& is dead."  
  
At that moment the wall burst open and Alice Cooper burst through it nightstick in hand "Hahahahahahaha Don't be so sure time to  
  
finish you off!" Manson blasted Alice into the wall with a KI blast and charged at him but Cooper was able to duck and in a single blast  
  
blew Marilyn Manson to pieces. Alice with Courtney Love at his side looked at Gabe and smiled "I'm not going to kill you until I can take  
  
out those Avalanche %&^%s as well!" Gabe said nothing as Alice Cooper walked out and disappeared into the night.  
  
As Gabe was taking in the situation Red walked up to him "Hey Gabe they want you to go interview one of the gir-holy #$%& what  
  
happened to Marilyn Manson?"  
  
Gabe shrugged "Alice Cooper killed him swearing revenge on all us before he left."  
  
"Over a limo?" asked Red XIII. Gabe nodded slowly. "Are you going to revive him."  
  
"Nah" replied Gabe "He doesn't really have much use to the advancement of the series."  
  
"Hey Gabe before you go I need ask something."  
  
"Yea what?"  
  
"Why don't you use that fan fic author power to just kill Alice Cooper now?"  
  
Gabe thought for a moment, "If I did it wouldn't be much of a series would it?"  
  
Red nodded "I guess not come on lets go."  
  
Gabe agreed and the two left the several pieces of Marilyn Manson to be cleaned up by the janitor.  
  
Johnny: We're back! Before we get to the ring our guest celebrity locker room interviewer Gabe Ricard who is with Aeris Gainsborough.  
  
"Thanks Johnny I'm standing next to one of the competitors in the upcoming Tifa VS Aeris battle. Aeris a lot of people are going with  
  
Tifa since she's a martial artist what is your strategy going into this epic battle." Asked Gabe putting the mic in front of Aeris  
  
"well" began Aeris her anger rising up in her "First I plan to do this!" with that she grabbed Gabe and kneed him in the stomach. "Then  
  
I'll do this." She wound back and kicked him in the face several times.  
  
"Then I'll finish it with this!" She pulled out her Princess Guard and drove it into Gabes throat then him in the head, legs and ribs  
  
several dozen time until she turned to the camera in a rage "I'll kill her ahhhhhhh" Aeris raised her Princess Guard and ran out of the  
  
locker room.  
  
The camera slowly panned down to the bloody Gabe who moved his head over to the mic " Back to you guys."  
  
Johnny: I think it's a safe bet to say that Aeris is ready for this match.  
  
Nick: Tough break for Gabe! How humiliating to get the $#^& beat out of you by a 20 year old flower girl!  
  
Johnny: It takes a special kind of $#^& to take a beating from a woman like Gabe did lets go to the ring for the main event!  
  
  
  
Before Mills Lane could even say a word Aeris charged at Tifa who jumped over her onto the other side of the ring. "Ok Triple D I hope  
  
your read to die!"  
  
Tifa raised her fists "Shut up you two cent %$& you're the one who's in for an @$$ kicking!" Before Aeris could respond Tifa exploded  
  
out of her corner and speared Aeris and began to pound on her mercilessly  
  
Aeris threw some punches as well and was able to block some of Tifa's "B**** DIE!" screamed Aeris throwing Tifa off of her then as  
  
they both got up clothes lining her with her Princess Guard. Aeris tried to nail Tifa again but Tifa dodged and jumped up kicking Aeris  
  
across the ring as she did. As they where fighting out of nowhere a portal opened up in the center of the ring and sucked both girls into  
  
it.  
  
Nick: Johnny, what the %^$$ happened  
  
Johnny: I don't know Nick maybe the author of this fan fic in an attempt to add something to an already much used idea will have the  
  
two girls fight in several different places and environments!  
  
Nick: Will we still get to see them naked?  
  
Johnny: I don't know Nick (sighs)  
  
"What? Where the hell am I-oomph!" Tifa had the wind knocked out of her as Tifa hit her in the stomach with a basketball.  
  
Aeris kicked the ball into her face and glared "We somehow ended up in a sports equipment store it doesn't matter! I'm still going to  
  
beat you to a bloody pulp silicone queen!" Tifa rolled out of the way of a hit from her Princess Guard and got up. She reacted more  
  
quickly breaking a tennis racket over her head. Tifa then grabbed Aeris and power bombed her through the front counter. As Aeris rose  
  
to punch Tifa the portal opened again and sucked them back in.  
  
Tifa snapped to life and realized she was in a racecar and saw Aeris in another car nest to her. She swerved to the right and rammed  
  
Aeris which sent her crashing into a building. Aeris was able to pull out of the wall and get back behind Tifa. Aeris looked at the side of  
  
her car and saw that she had missles on the side of her car. She grinned evilly "I'll show that %$# she saw a button in front of her which  
  
she assumed would fire the missle. She hit the button and the missle shot off and nailed Tifas car blowing it to pieces.  
  
Aeris leapt out of her car and landed on Tifa as she got out of the wreckage and the two where back to trading punches. As the two  
  
where fighting the portal opened up again and sucked them in once again this time both girls landed in a bar.  
  
"Here Aeris have a drink!" cried Tifa swinging a beer mug at Aeris who ducked and grabbed Tifa by her hair and kneed her in the gut  
  
and head several times. With Tifa dazed Aeris saw a huge shelf of beer and liquor bottles and grabbed Tifa and threw her into the shelf  
  
so hard that it cane crashing down on her.  
  
Confident about her victory Aeris pulled Tifa out of the wreckage and began laying in the punches which Tifa was barely able to block.  
  
"After I'm done beating the $#@^ out of you you'll look so bad that Cloud won't even want to look at you!" Aeris grabbed a bottle and  
  
was about to finish her off when the portal appeared yet again and sucked both girls in  
  
This time both girls realized they where in a ring but not the deathmatch ring. Tifa looked down and realized she and Aeris where  
  
wearing boxing gloves. Tifa still bruised from her beating in the bar slowly came out as she did Aeris shot out and cracked her in the jaw  
  
as her head was leaning back Aeris nailed her in the stomach. Aeris wound back and went for another punch but before it landed Tifa  
  
caught her in the side of the head and began nailing her with a barrage of punches. Just as quickly as the portal had appeared it  
  
reappeared and pulled the girls in and dropped them into the deahtmatch ring.  
  
Aeris was able to get up first and drop kicked Tifa as she got up then grabbed her by the hair and hip tossed her across the ring. Then  
  
cast bolt3 several times, which Tifa was able to avoid. Breathing heavily Tifa rose to her feet began to summon all her remaining  
  
strength and Aeris saw Tifa's fists glowing green she tried  
  
To attack Tifa but it was too late. "LIMIT BREAK!" Tifa unleashed Final Heaven on Aeris and when she  
  
was finished Aeris fell to the ground defeated.  
  
Mills Lane stopped the fight and raised Tifas hand in victory. Tifa jumped onto the top turnbuckle and raised her arms in victory  
  
celebrating wildly. Tifa noticed Cloud coming into the ring and jumped down and ran over to greet him. "Cloud I did it! I won!" Cloud  
  
said nothing and walked past Tifa and over to Aeris who lay on the ground. Tifa dropped to the ground and began pounding the ground  
  
in frustration "WHY? WHY? WHY IS IT ALWAYS AERIS?!" Tifa buried her face in her hands as Cloud picked up Aeris and carried her out  
  
of the ring.  
  
Johnny: What a match! Easily the best match in Celebrity Deathmatch history  
  
Nick: (looks down sad) We didn't get to see them naked.  
  
Johnny: (ignoring him) Well that's all for tonight from my lonely CO-host Nick Diamond I'm Johnny Gomez saying Good fight Good night  
  
When everyone went to Cids house everyone was in either bandages or casts except for Gabe and Cid who promptly had his nose  
  
broken after making fun of Tifa. "Daddy I hate you!" Barret pulled the ice bag off his face and looked down to see Marlene glaring at  
  
him "You killed one of my favorite bands I hate you!" she stomped her foot and stormed away. Barret said nothing and leaned back  
  
putting the ice bag back over his face.  
  
"Gabe are you going to stay?" asked Shera as Gabe was about to walk out the door.  
  
Gabe looked at the sobbing Tifa, the bruised and battered Aeris, Cid with a broken nose Yuffie with her entire body wrapped in  
  
bandages and the others looking pretty much the same and shook his head. "Nahhh I'll be back in a couple days." Shera smiled and  
  
went back to tend to the ranting Cid. Gabe sighed and walked out the door and heading out of view.  
  
Well that's it for the third story in my FF7 series. As I said before this story saw a number of changes one being most of the original  
  
matches being dropped. Another change was more stuff going on around the actual matches when in the orginal draft the story was  
  
mostly the fights. I as always greatly welcome comments and opinions at gothglam_666@hotmail.com. Thanks for reading.  
  
End 


	5. 1.04-Total War

A Final Fantasy 7 Fan Fic-#4  
  
"Total War"  
  
Written By Gabe Ricard  
  
Here is another chapter in my FF7 Series for those of you who liked stories like VSFH and Total Boredom may not like this one too much  
  
as there is much less comedy in this particular fic. In a nutshell it's a giant battle royal and wont be much else. Enough of my incoherent  
  
babbling enjoy the fic and if you did like this read the others and review them too! Thank you once again, enjoy the fic and please  
  
review.  
  
"Gabe! Thank goodness you're here!" Gabe stopped as he walked into the 7th Heaven and was stopped by Aeris.  
  
"Hey Aeris, hey everyone else, what's wrong?"  
  
Before Aeris could explain Cid interrupted her "That damn freak Rob Zombie has been stalking around here looking for that other damn  
  
freak Alice Cooper."  
  
"Rob Zombies alive?" asked Gabe remembering when Alice Cooper tore him apart at the Celebrity Deathmatch arena. Gabe sighed then  
  
noticed Marilyn Manson bass player Twiggy Rameriz sitting at the bar drinking inordinate amounts of Whiskey. "What the hell is he  
  
doing here?" asked Gabe as Twiggy sat slumped down in a barstool while Marlene handed him a new bottle of whiskey every 30 or so  
  
seconds.  
  
"He's been here since about six a.m." replied Aeris "For a good eight seconds he wanted revenge on us until he saw Whiskey."  
  
"$%&* Stumbled in on Shera and me behind the bar!" grumbled Cid  
  
"What where you and Shera doing behind the bar at six a.m. anyway?" asked Gabe knowing well what the reason was anyway. Cid  
  
remained silent as Gabe turned to Aeris "Where's Yuffie, Cait, Cloud and Tifa?"  
  
"Tifa won a day with Cloud after beating me." Replied Aeris bitterly. "Cait's at Gold Saucer and no one really gives a rats @$$ where  
  
Yuffie is."  
  
Gabe nodded, "Hey Aeris I just noticed your looking a hell of a lot better."  
  
Aeris smiled "Thanks Gabe.I think."  
  
"How's Tifa?"  
  
Aeris grinned evilly "Her nose was broken and she had to get a nose job."  
  
"That's not so bad."  
  
"Guess who was able to sneak into the operating room and perform the surgery?"  
  
Gabe looked at Aeris in disbelief. "You.?!"  
  
Aeris said nothing and turned around and sat down.. Gabe shook his head.  
  
"She had it fixed." Explained Red XIII. "You where fortunate not to have been here during those couple of days."  
  
  
  
Gabe was a little shocked that Aeris would try something like that but before he could respond the door flew open and Rob Zombie  
  
stormed in. He turned to Gabe and gave him a look that made him incredibly uneasy. "Where the #@$^ is that son of a %$^ Alice  
  
Cooper?" Vincent, due to his previous experience with Marilyn Manson chose not to ask another of his favorite singers for an autograph.  
  
" I have no idea where Alice Cooper is." stammered Gabe as Rob Zombie cornered him and continued to give Gabe one of the most evil  
  
looks he had ever seen.  
  
"Why do you to kill him so bad?" asked Aeris who so far had been silent.  
  
"Look at me!" replied Rob Zombie lifting his arms up. "Do you know how ##%&ing hard it is to rebuild yourself after being blown up?"  
  
Before Aeris could reply an evil ominous laugh came into hearing that was very familiar to Rob Zombie followed by a voice that everyone  
  
recognized "Rob Zombie! step outside if you have the balls!" taunted the voice.  
  
"I'm going to kill you Alice Cooper you son of a #%$" snarled Rob Zombie storming out the door with Gabe in tow.  
  
Rob and Gabe stopped as they stood a small distance from the bar and on the roof of the building in front of them stood Alice Cooper  
  
along with Courtney Love and her ever present bottle of cheap liquor.  
  
"At least you came alone Cooper!" growled Rob Zombie ready to fight.  
  
Alice Cooper said nothing and jumped to the ground with Courtney. Silence filled the air as the two had a stare down. "Well, come on  
  
Zombie take your best shot!" Rob Zombie quickly walked up to Alice Cooper ready to strike the first punch but stopped as he looked  
  
around and realized both he and Gabe where surrounded by N Sync, The Backstreet Boys, The Spice Girls and the other members of  
  
Hole. "Welcome to your nightmare Zombie. I've created some of the most evil bands in the world to help me in wiping out you and  
  
those Avalanche $%^#es!" With that everyone except Cooper and Love attacked.  
  
Gabe pulled out a crowbar and clotheslined Scary Spice then wound back and hit one of the N Sync band members in the stomach. As he  
  
turned around he got nailed into the wall from a collective effort from Hole and proceeded to get the crap stomped out of him by Hole  
  
as well as N Sync. Rob Zomie threw one of The Backstreet Boys forty feet into the ground and tried to get at Alice Cooper but was  
  
attacked by the other members of the band in addition to the Spice Girls.  
  
"Holy #$^&" exclaimed Barret. We gotta help them!"  
  
Vincent slapped the back of his head "Thank you Captain Odvi-" he stopped as he realized it wasn't Yuffie "Sorry.force of habit." Barret  
  
said nothing and only glared and charged into the fray along with the other members of Avalanche. Vincent blasted Sporty Spices head  
  
off then stood his ground and shot at anything else that moved as did Barrett who left about 20,000 bullets in the body of one of the  
  
members of Hole. Aeris cast Fury Brand then blasted Baby Spice into a oblivion with a Bolt3 spell. Red XIII tore another member of Hole  
  
in two with Blood Fang and proceeded to maul anything he saw that wasn't a member of Avalanche, Gabe or Rob Zombie.  
  
"If you thought that was all I had your dead wrong!" cackled Alice Cooper. "There's much more!" With that Hanson and Aerosmith  
  
appeared and jumped into the battle immediately shifting the advantage back to Alice Cooper.  
  
'I'm going to take out Aerosmith personally!" yelled Cid jumping over one of the Hanson sisters and completely destroying Stephen  
  
Tyler with a Dragon Dive but getting ganged up on by the other members of Aerosmith.  
  
"We're #$^&ed!" cried Gabe kicking a member of Hanson into the wall and turning around and barely fighting off the other two Hanson  
  
sisters. As Gabe said this out of nowhere came ICP and Cactus Jack who was armed with a barbwire baseball bat which he used to kill  
  
the last member of Hole with. ICP pulled out axes and dismember the other two members of Hanson and slicing off one of the  
  
Backstreet Boys left leg. They then went after N Sync which allowed Rob Zombie to finally get to Alice Cooper. Rob rammed Coopers  
  
head into a wall then attempted to rush him. Alice however kicked Rob Zombie back then pulled an evil looking guitar seemingly out of  
  
thin air and shattered it over Rob Zombies head.  
  
"Prepare to die you weak @$$ wanna be!" As Alice Cooper screamed these words, Stone Cold Steve Austin came behind him, knocked  
  
Courtney Love into the battle then slammed back half of a beer, and cracked it over Alice Coopers face. As Alice Turned around Rob  
  
Zombie kicked him in the throat then had a rusty hatchet thrown to him by ICP which he drove into Coopers shoulder then stood back  
  
as Steve Austin gave him a stunner and charged into the battle.  
  
"@!%^! How many ^&*%ing guys does Alice Cooper have?!" wondered Gabe as Garth Brooks, Shania Twain, and Cher attacked Gabe,  
  
Aeris and Red XIII.  
  
"You %$& you'll pay for that!" snarled Alice Cooper pulling out the bizarre night stick like weapon he had used in Deathmatch and  
  
getting ready to blast Alice Cooper into oblivion when Cactus Jack attacked him hitting him in the head with the bat. As he wound back  
  
to hit him again, Alice Cooper blasted him into a building igniting it in flames. Rob Zombie sent Alice Cooper reeling with a simple  
  
punch in the nose and began to punch the hell out of Cooper.  
  
"I thought I already killed these gay %&%es." Thought Barret as he sent a Backstreet Boy into orbit with a Hammerblow only to turn  
  
around and get attacked by the surviving members.  
  
"I think things are starting to go our way." Said Gabe to Vincent as Gabe worked together to kill Posh Spice. Before Vincent could reply  
  
Aqua appeared and went after Gabe and Vincent. Vincent was able to turn into Chaos and kill all but two members.  
  
Alice Cooper blocked a punch from Rob Zombie and kicked him in the stomach then tried to blast him with his night stick but Zombie  
  
ducked and speared Alice Cooper into a wall. Alice kicked Rob Zombie back, kicked him several times in the head then uppercut him  
  
until Rob Zombie was on one knee, trying regain his senses. Alice Cooper aimed the nightstick at Rob Zombies head and grinned "This  
  
is the end!"  
  
"I don't think so you $#^%ing dinosaur!" Alice Cooper whirled around to meet a kick in the chest as before him stood the other  
  
members of Marilyn Manson's band John 5, Ginger Fish, and Madonna Wayne Gacy as well as Rose McGowan.  
  
"Time to make your sorry @$$ pay for what you did to Manson!" spat John 5, winding back and punching Alice in the face as the 3 band  
  
members helped Rob Zombie beat the hell out of Alice Cooper. Rose McGowan attacked Shania Twain punching her in the face several  
  
times before grabbing her head and, twisting it off. She then saw an ax on the ground and picked it up. She saw a target, wound back,  
  
and drove it into the back of the female singer from Aqua. Alice Cooper dragged himself up and used his nightstick to blow Ginger Fish  
  
into a million pieces. Then as Madonna Wayne Gacy went to knock it out of Alice's hand, Alice clutched him by the throat. Alice's hand  
  
turned red and Gacy burst into flames. Alice threw him into John 5 then blasted Rob Zombie into a building.  
  
Still more help arrived for Alice Cooper as Jake Roberts and every member from all of Alice Coopers bands seemingly dropped into  
  
battle. Gabe ducked an oncoming attack with a guitar by Garth Brooks and using the mastered ice Materia he grabbed before coming  
  
out here, blasted Garth Brooks until he was frozen inside out and kicked him shattering him into a million pieces of ice which quickly  
  
melted. Cid impaled Jake Roberts on his spear and threw him into the two surviving Hanson sisters which distracted them long enough  
  
for Barret to take them out with a Big Shot. Cid walked over to Barret and grinned "Couldn't handle a couple of girls huh? No big surprise  
  
I mean I doubt you can even handle one girl"  
  
Barret glared, "Shut up Cid."  
  
Aeris aftering fighting off a number of attackers changed the course of the battle drastically by casting Great Gospel. With everyone  
  
temporarily invincible Avalanche and the others where able to finish off the surviving members of Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys and N  
  
Sync and everyone else from Alice's army until, only Alice Cooper remained. Vincent, still in Chaos form swoop down to attack Alice  
  
Cooper but Cooper grabbed John 5 and threw him into Vincent. Alice turned his attention back to Rob Zombie but as he did Rose  
  
McGowan broke a beer bottle over his head and Rob Zombie wound back and uppercut Alice Cooper, nearly knocking him out of his  
  
boots. Alice knocked Rose back and before Rose could attack Courtney Love clotheslined her and began choking her. Alice Cooper sent  
  
Cid, Barret and Aeris scattering with a huge blast from his nightstick only to get shot in the leg by Shaggy 2 Dope and get blasted with a  
  
board with a nail in by Violent J. Alice Cooper was able to jump over Cids Venus Gospel then pull the board out and blast Gabe in the  
  
head with it. He looked over everyone and smirked "You think you've won? It's not over yet. Prepare to face an evil that has not been  
  
surfaced in over sixty years, ALL THE MIDGETS FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone, even Rob Zombie gasped in horror as the ground began violently shaking and several areas of ground gave way and  
  
hundreds o Midgets dressed as the munchkins slowly emereged from the ground and overtook Rob Zombie and the others.  
  
"There's too $$#%ing many there's no ^%$$ing way we can beat all these @!#$ing midget bastards!" cried Gabe throwing two midgets  
  
off his back only to have a dozen more pile on top of him.  
  
"Well said." Replied Barret blasting two away and upper cutting three more. As he turned around a few dozen jumped him.  
  
The only part of the battlefield that wasn't over ran by dead midgets was the spot where Alice Cooper beat the hell out of Rob Zombie.  
  
"This time when I kill you I'll make sure your dead ass STAYS dead!" taunted Alice Cooper kicking Rob in the chest as he tried to get to  
  
his feet. Soon all that remained where Rob, Steve Austin, Zombie, Gabe, Aeris, John 5, and Cid. Barret and Red XIII where unconscious  
  
as was Vincent who had reverted from Chaos and back into Vincent.  
  
Gabe punted a midget into another midget and jumped over a heard of them. "I really, really, really wish Cloud and the others  
  
wher-holy #%$!!" No sooner then Gabe said this then he saw Cloud jump into the midgets and take out nearly 30 of them with Finishing  
  
Touch then take out two more with Ominislahes. Gabe then saw Tifa beat the living hell out of four midgets in the blink of an eye next  
  
to her was Cait Sith who smashed three midgets into the ground. Aeris was finally able to cast Pulse of Life allowing Vincent, Barret, and  
  
Red XIII to recover and cut the midgets down drastically.  
  
"$#^& I didn't think I'd need to be THIS desperate. With that Alice Cooper pressed a button and every Power Ranger that ever existed  
  
appeared along with Sephiroth. The Power Rangers, to Alice Coopers surprise where able to swing the advantage back to Alice Cooper.  
  
With Courtney Love at his side Alice Cooper was still punching the hell out of Rob Zombie who blasted a fire ball into Courtney Loves  
  
face then head but Alice Cooper several dozen times then kicked him in the nuts. Rob Zombie raised his arm and just before it came  
  
down upon Alice he felt something blast him in the back and turned around to see two Power Rangers blasting him. He charged at them  
  
and got kicked in the gut by one and as he lifted his head got floored with another kick from the second. Alice Cooper cackled and  
  
raised to his feet and raised his left arm which caused Rob Zombie to lift into the air.  
  
"This time I'm going to win puppet!" cried Sephiroth charging at Cloud with his mansuame raised high. Cloud ducked under and sliced  
  
Sephiroth in half. Before Cloud could celebrate yet another victory over Sephiroth, four Power Rangers leaped onto him.  
  
"@#%^ This I'm going to end now!" yelled Gabe as he got up after getting pummeled by a Power Ranger. After a moment, an  
  
18-wheeler appeared out of nowhere, running over a couple of Power Rangers before stopping in the middle of the battle. Everyone  
  
including Alice Cooper stopped fighting as Kid Rock, Joe C and Twisted Brown Trucker Band slowly got out of the car armed with guns.  
  
Kid Rock took off his glasses and grinned before raising his arm into the air and bringing it down, which was a signal for everyone to  
  
open fire.  
  
Five minutes later, all the Power Rangers where dead and only Alice Cooper and Courtney Love remained. Alice knew the battle was lost  
  
but before he could react Rob Zombie pulled out a chain saw and sawed his left arm off. Alice held his bloody arm stem and glared.  
  
"This isn't over yet #%$^tards I'll be back!" Before everyone could shut him up Alice Cooper and Courtney Love disappeared. Everyone  
  
was silent for a moment before walking over to Kid Rock and high fivivng him.  
  
"Thanks Rock"  
  
"Sure thing man. We gotta go." With that Kid Rock and the others got into the 18-wheeler and drove off. Rob Zombie wiped some blood  
  
away from his lip and walked over to Gabe  
  
"I'm going to get out of here too, find that $$^* Alice Cooper and his %^* Courtney Love and finish them off."  
  
Gabe nodded "All right Mr. Zombie take care."  
  
Rob Zombie said nothing and walked a little ways away from everyone before disapeering in a flash of fire. Steve Austin who had been  
  
sitting down drinking a beer got up and sighed. "I'm leaving too. Where's Cactus?"  
  
Gabe pointed over to the burning building where Cactus had been thrown into and shook his head sadly. Before Austin could respond  
  
out of the burning building emerged Cactus Jack. "Hey guys!" he waved.  
  
Gabe looked at Cactus Jack in disbelief then, noticed his back was on fire. "Cactus.um.your back."  
  
"Ow!' exclaimed Cactus Jack putting the fire on his back out "That never feels very good!" he laughed and staggered over to Steve  
  
Austin. "Come on Stone Cold lets go." Austin said nothing and just smiled and shook his head and walked up with Cactus Jack behind  
  
him.  
  
Avalanche as well as Gabe Ricard walked into 7th Heaven where they where met by Shera and Marlene. "Shera and I are heading back  
  
to Rocket Town, anyone coming?" when no reply came Cid and Shera left.  
  
Gabe put an ice pack on his head and fell down onto the couch. "Why is the upstairs area of the bar a lot bigger."  
  
Tifa nodded "I had some renovations done on the bar." She walked up to Cloud and hugged him. Cloud was silent for a moment before  
  
pushing Tifa away. "What?" said Tifa confused.  
  
Cloud sighed "Tifa, I told you already today I went along with this date thing because I wanted to tell you what I've already told you. I  
  
love Aeris."  
  
Tifa was deathly silent. Aeris turned to Cloud "Come on Cloud, we're going to moms for dinner." Cloud nodded and walked out with  
  
Aeris.  
  
The bar was silent as Gabe walked up to Tifa and put an arm on her shoulder. "I'm sorry Tifa, if there's anything we can do."  
  
Tifa shrugged "You think it's over? HA! Its not over by a long shot Aeris has him now but mark my words I will get him!" with that Tifa  
  
walked over to the bar to clean glasses.  
  
Cait Sith turned to Barett and shrugged "Well at least she's not on a killing spree of some sort."  
  
Gabe said nothing and sat down at the table. "At least this gives me a shot at Tifa" he thought leaning back and putting the ice pack on  
  
his face.  
  
At that moment Yuffie burst though the door. "Hey everyone! Did I miss anything?" Nobody said a word in reply. "Hey it looks like a war  
  
zone out there!"  
  
Vincent got up and snuk up behind Yuffie and slapped her in the back of her head. "Thank you Captain Obvious."  
  
Yuffies eyes widened as she spun around and slapped the taste out of Vincent's mouth. "Stop saying that! Just for that, you have to  
  
take me to the movies!"  
  
Vincent shrugged, "Sure."  
  
"I'm coming too!" said Cait Sith bounding out the door.  
  
"Grand." Murmured Vincent walking out the door behind Yuffie.  
  
"Poor Vincent." Said Red XIII.  
  
Gabe nodded in agreement. "I'm going to order a pizza who wants some?" 


	6. 1.05-Vacation Time

A Final Fantasy Fan Fic  
  
"Vacation Time"  
  
Written By Gabe Ricard  
  
  
  
  
  
The FF7 series continues here with number five which is the standard "Lets put the FF7 characters in a vacation series and watch the fun  
  
begin!" except THIS one will have my trademarks of mindless celebrity cameos and gratuitous violence. Two quick note, while I haven't  
  
to this point given credit to the owners of FF7 and so on I have to give credit to my favorite fan fic site Barret Wallace Avalanche Hideout  
  
for the term "Ohmygodtheburgerbarked!"Which came from one of their fan fics. The other note is that as an experiment I will not be  
  
censoring any swear words. If no one cares or someone says the fan fic was better as the result of it I will keep doing that. If enough  
  
people tell its not a good idea I'll change it back to $@#^ That's it enjoy the fan fic and be sure to review even if its to tell me how  
  
much this fan fic sucks! (If you do think it sucks at least give a valid reason)  
  
  
  
  
  
"So where should we go?" asked Cloud standing in front of Avalanche and Gabe on a cold rainy day at Cid's house in rocket town.  
  
"Shinra-Land?" suggested Yuffie who was promptly yelled down with insults.  
  
"I aint going to no Shinra-Land for MY vacation!" remarked Barret throwing chair at Yuffie.  
  
"How about Hell?" suggested Vincent. Cloud who couldn't tell if he was serious or not, ignored him.  
  
"How about Camp Ohmygodtheburgerbarked?" suggested Aeris.  
  
"Wrong fan fic." Replied Cloud.  
  
"How about Hawaii?" suggested Gabe who had been pretty quiet through the entire conversation.  
  
Everyone was silent for a moment before all agreeing at the same time. "Well I guess that settles it." Said Cloud turning to Gabe.  
  
"Gabe, since that dumb ass Cid broke the airship while working on it, you call for the plan tickets and we'll leave tomorrow." Gabe  
  
nodded and headed to the phone while everyone else broke off into smaller groups.  
  
"I can't believe one of the worlds best mechanics can fuck up his own fucking airship." Muttered Gabe dialing the phone to Shinra Air the  
  
only airliner in the world. "Hello? Yes I would like to reserve twelve first class plan tickets to Hawaii."  
  
"Okay" replied the voice on the other line. "Let me get a price on that for you." After a moment of silence the teller picked up the  
  
phone. "Yes for twelve first class tickets that will come to to 1,  
  
468,678,877,343,223,313,434,413,121,666,223,987 gill."  
  
Gabe was about to say something but stopped "This is Rufus isn't it?"  
  
"Yes." Replied Rufus after a moment of silence.  
  
"More of your wanting to meet the common people crap huh?"  
  
"Damn right!" replied Rufus.  
  
Gabe sighed "Well, watch out for the chain saw wielding maniac that will appear right behind you and cut you up into a million pieces.  
  
"That's ridicu-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Gabe smiled as he heard Rufus scream, followed by the sounds of a chain saw.  
  
After a moment, another teller came on the line and Gabe ordered the tickets.  
  
"Well I have some bad news." Said Gabe after Avalanche once again gathered around him. "I was only able to get nine first class  
  
tickets. That means two of us will have to ride coach and the other will have to hung by their feet from the wing."  
  
"How are we going to figure out who goes where?" asked Vincent.  
  
"We can draw straws" suggested Aeris.  
  
"Great idea bitch." Grumbled Tifa.  
  
"Kiss my ass!" snapped Aeris.  
  
"Clean your ass!" retorted Tifa  
  
Cloud ignored them and turned to Shera asking her to get some straws. Shera returned a few moments later with the straws and  
  
handed them to Cloud. "Okay, the two small ones will fly coach and the smallest will have their legs tied to the wing of the plane."  
  
Everyone nodded and grabbed a straw.  
  
"God fucking damn it I lost!" cried Cid kicking a chair over in frustration.  
  
"I lost as well." Sighed Red XIII returning to his corner to rest.  
  
"So who got the smallest one?" asked Gabe.  
  
Everyone looked around and stopped at Yuffie, who had the smallest straw among them. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo I lost!"  
  
"Too bad Materia whore!" grinned Cid whose anger about being in coach disappeared for the moment as he pictured Yuffie hanging by  
  
her feet from the wing of a plane by her feet.  
  
Yuffie said nothing and stormed away with Vincent.  
  
"What's wrong with you Cait?" Asked Gabe. "You've been quiet for the all day and you've been twitching."  
  
Cait looked up at Gabe and took a deep breath. "Do you remember a couple days ago when I went with Yuffie and Vincent to the  
  
movies?" Gabe nodded. "Well" continued Cait Sith "I went to go get some snacks and when I returned I saw Yuffie and Vincent.." Cait  
  
began to choke up.  
  
"Fucking?" asked Gabe. Cait managed to nod. "I saw them holding hands earlier so I figured something had happened. But still that's  
  
a picture in my head that's going to give me nightmares for a long time."  
  
Aeris yanked Cloud next to her. "Come on Cloud let's go get a bikini at that new clothing shop down the street." Before Cloud could  
  
reply Aeris pulled him out the door.  
  
"That little whore!" cried Tifa. She reached over and grabbed Gabe, who was still talking to Cait Sith over to her and pulled him out the  
  
door with her.  
  
Yuffie who was making out with Vincent in the corner broke the kiss "Vinny, Take me to the clothing store. I'd look good in a new  
  
bathing suit!"  
  
Vincent nodded "You'd look good in anything honey."  
  
Yuffie blushed and the two left Cid's house. Cait leaned forward on his Moggle holding his stomach. "I think I'm going to be sick."  
  
"What do you mean I can't come?! You guys even bought a ticket for me!" cried Shera angrily to her husband Cid.  
  
"Just what I said woman! This is MY vacation!"  
  
Shera turned very serious and looked Cid right in the eye. "Cid I will ask once and only once, can I come?"  
  
Despite the fact she was an inch away from Cid, he held his position. "No."  
  
Shera sighed, "Okay Cid if that's how you feel." She took a deep breath and reached over grabbing Cid by the balls. "Are you sure?"  
  
Cid turned five shades of red and shook his head very quickly.  
  
Shera feigned surprise, "Oh? Do you wish to change your mind?" Cid nodded very quickly. Shera squeezed even harder, "So I CAN  
  
come?" Cid nodded again and Shera let go very quickly causing Cid to fall over in unspeakable pain. "Thanks Cid! I'll go pack!" With  
  
that Shera leaned down and kissed Cid's cheek and walked off. Cid slowly got to his feet as Red XIII who had viewed the entire episode  
  
walked up to him.  
  
"You're pussy whipped." He said blankly. Cid who didn't want to add to his humiliation by speaking in a voice several octaves higher  
  
then that of an opera singer said nothing in reply and limped away to go find an ice pack.  
  
"Ohhhh Cloud how about this one?" Aeris held up a bikini in front of her and turned to Cloud who much to Aeris's annoyance had fallen  
  
asleep again. "WAKE UP!"  
  
Cloud snapped awake and looked around. Aeris stood in front of him and held up the bikini. "Do you like this bikini?"  
  
Cloud yawned and nodded. "Yes it's great in fact it's the greatest piece of clothing I've ever seen. Let's pay for it and get the hell out of  
  
here." Aeris glared and put the bikini in a bag that had five others and walked to the counter with Cloud.  
  
"There's too many to choose!" complained Tifa picking up bikini after bikini and being unable to pick one she liked.  
  
Gabe grabbed a random one off the rack and showed it to Tifa. "How about this one?"  
  
Tifa eyed it for a moment then brightened, "Hey, yea that's perfect. I'm going to go try it on!" Tifa snatched the bikini away and ran  
  
into the dressing room.  
  
"That was hard." Thought Gabe sarcastically. A moment later Tifa burst out of the dressing room pale as a ghost. "What wrong?" asked  
  
Gabe grabbing Tifa's shoulders. Tifa who was shaking lifted her hand up slowly and pointed to the dressing room where PeeWee  
  
Herman emerged from stuffing a porno magazine in his jacket and zipping his pants up.  
  
He looked at Tifa and Gabe and a long evil grin slowly creeped up his face. "Welcome to my Play House boys and girls!"  
  
Gabe quietly turned to Tifa and mouthed the words "Run." Before they could run however Bruce Willis jumped down armed with an uzi.  
  
Bruce pumped a few hundred bullets into PeeWee and turned to Gabe and Tifa.  
  
"See you guys later!" he waved putting the uzi away and walking away.  
  
Gabe turned to Tifa, "Lets go pay for these before the Teletubbies pop out of there or something." Tifa nodded and they both went to  
  
the counter.  
  
"Come on Gabe all of us except Cid and Shera are going back to the 7th Heaven for the night, are you coming?" Gabe nodded. "What  
  
about Vincent and Yuffie? We left the clothing store over three hours ago."  
  
"Who gives a shit?" asked Marlene  
  
Barret's eyes widened, "Marlene don't you EVER, EVER say that!"  
  
"Why not?" asked Cloud, "It's true."  
  
Barret said nothing and was about to walk out with Marlene but was stopped as Yuffie and Vincent burst in, Yuffie adjusting her top and  
  
brushing the dirt off her back. "Sorry we're late everyone." She said. "We had some uh.extra shopping to do."  
  
Once again Cait leaned down on his Moggle and clutched his stomach. "The pain.the pain."  
  
"So Cloud who are you going with to bed tonight?" asked Tifa as Avalanche and Gabe walked into Tifa's 7th Heaven.  
  
"Aeris." Replied Cloud walking away with Aeris who turned around to flip off Tifa as they walked away. Tifa said nothing, only mumbling  
  
something about revenge in Hawaii and storming away. Since they had to leave at 6:30 am everyone packed and went to sleep.  
  
"Okay jack offs wake the fuck up!" yelled Cid walking into 7th Heaven with Shera. Tifa walked past him and dropped her bag near the  
  
door.  
  
"We ARE awake dumb ass."  
  
"Well let's go then." Snapped Cid walking out the door as the others followed one by one until everyone was in the buggy and speeding  
  
to Shinra Airport.  
  
"Well we've got an hour to get our plane." Said Gabe as Avalanche sat down in the Airport.  
  
"I'll get the tickets." Said Cloud getting up and walking away.  
  
"I can't believe I have to be hung from the wing of the plane by my feet." Grumbled Yuffie angrily.  
  
"I can believe it." Said Cid lighting a cigarette.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because, you're a dirty, Materia whore!"  
  
"Fuck you! You dirty old man!"  
  
"Not even if Shera squeezed my balls for an hour."  
  
"Leave her alone." Snapped Vincent snapping his monster arm at Cid."  
  
"Make me Count Chocula!" snorted Cid.  
  
"I think I'm going to make sure I sit in the back." Sighed Gabe putting his face into his hands.  
  
Cloud rolled his eyes as he walked to the only empty ticket booth to see Reno standing behind it. "Let me guess this is going to cost  
  
me 999 baziliion gill right?"  
  
"That's right, unless we can work something out."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"What are you doing Friday night?"  
  
"Well I'm going to-HEY!!!!" Cloud pulled out his Ultimate Weapon and Climhazzarded Reno. Then after several moments of shuddering  
  
at what Reno had been suggesting, walked over to another line to get the tickets.  
  
Gabe breathed a sigh of relief as he leaned into his chair next to Cloud and Aeris and across from Tifa and Barret. Behind him was Cait  
  
Sith, Marlene and Shera. In the front of first class sat Vincent, angry that he was not sitting with Yuffie. In coach Red XIII sat in the very  
  
back of the plane and Cid sat in the middle, while Yuffie was hung from the wing of the plane which took off and headed non-stop for  
  
Hawaii.  
  
"Hey Barret what's wrong?" asked Tifa, concerned at the look of Terror on Barrets face.  
  
"I.I'm scared of flying." Stammered Barret clutching the armrest as tight as he could, sweating profusely.  
  
"Oh." Said Tifa trying not to laugh. "Well I'll get you through it, don't worry." Barret managed to nod and looked out the window and  
  
gulped while Tifa reassuringly patted him on the back.  
  
"Shit why the hell do I always have to sit with the fucking weirdo's?" grumbled Cid kicking the seat in front of him.  
  
"There's something on the wing!!!!" cried William Shatner turning from the window to Cid.  
  
"So fucking what?!"  
  
"Look for yourself!" ranted William Shatner.  
  
Cid sighed and leaned over, looked outthe window and, saw a demon sitting on the wing slowly tearing the wing apart. Cid looked at the  
  
twitching William Shatner and came up with a solution to his problem. He reached over and opened the window and shoved William  
  
Shatner out and into the path of the winged demon who grabbed him and tore him apart in one swift motion before flying away. Cid  
  
smiled and leaned back ignoring the No Smoking sign and lighting a cigarette.  
  
"Hobbes?" said Red XIII in surprise.  
  
"Red XIII. from the deathmatch right? Good to see you again."  
  
"Same to you." Replied Red XIII. "Where's your little hyper midget friend?"  
  
"We couldn't afford two plane tickets thanks to that cheap fuck Bill. So Calvin had to hung by his feet on the right wing of the plane.  
  
What about your ninja friend?"  
  
"On..the rig..ht.w..ing...uh oh." Red XIII and Hobbes ran to a window and looked out to see Yuffie and Calvin locked in combat  
  
punching the hell out of each other despite the fact they where barley hanging to the wing.  
  
"They should be fine." Said Hobbes.  
  
"Sure, wanna go get some peanuts?" asked Red XIII.  
  
"Sounds good to me lets go." With that Red XIII and Hobbes left Calvin and Yuffie to fight it out on the right wing of the plane.  
  
"Hey!" the stewardess bolted around as she felt a hand slap her ass. Expecting to see some lonely, perverted, piece of shit drunk or a  
  
Shinra Executive. Instead she saw a small cat wearing a crown on his head and next to him sat a huge Moggle.  
  
"What time you get off work?" grinned Cait.  
  
"Why should I tell you?" she asked angrily.  
  
"Because I-" The Moggle slapped his shoulder, Cait glared "We could give you pleasure I bet you've never had before."  
  
"Really? Well okay, here's my phone number." The stewardess pulled out a pen and a piece of paper and jotted a number down and  
  
handed it to Cait.  
  
"Snoginns." Cait grinned and handed the it to the Moggle who put it in his mouth and swallowed it.  
  
"Told you I had a way with the ladies."  
  
Gabe who had been watching the entire event shook his head. "He's been watching Dogma way too much."  
  
"Tiiiiiiiiiiifaaaaaaaaa I don't wanna diieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Barret for the 19th time in the last two hours.  
  
Tifa who was at the end of her rope, grabbed Barret by his jacket and pulled him away from the window and into her face. "Barret, for  
  
the last time shut the fuck up! The goddamn plane will land! So during the time it is still in the air it won't crash. Until then put on your  
  
headphones, watch the piece of shit movie I don't care JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She pushed Barret back who sat in shock and stayed  
  
that way for the rest of the plane trip. Tifa smiled and as the stewardess walked by ordered a drink.  
  
Finally after a daylong plane trip Avalanche landed in Hawaii. "Yuffie!" exclaimed Vincent, "What happened to you? Your clothes are torn  
  
up and you look like shit." Yuffie said nothing and stormed ahead of the others.  
  
"How the hell are we supposed to get around?" groaned Cid carrying his overnight bag and Shera's six suitcases.  
  
Before anyone could answer Cid they stopped as they came to a limo driver, holding up a sign that said AVALANCHE. "Who ordered the  
  
limo?" asked Barret holding four carry on bags in one hand and Marlene on his shoulder.  
  
"I did." Replied Gabe. "But there's only room for eight so two will have to go in the trunk."  
  
As they got to the limo, Yuffie didn't say a word and threw herself in the trunk then motioned for Vincent to come in too. A rare grin  
  
appeared on Vincent's face as he got into the trunk and closed it just as everyone got into the limo and drove to the hotel.  
  
"Wow this is a pretty nice hotel." Remarked Red XIII getting out of the limo along with the rest of Avalanche which had just pulled up to  
  
a beautiful hotel.  
  
"Doe's Shinra own it?" asked Aeris.  
  
"No." replied Gabe holding the door open for everyone.  
  
"Thank god." Said Cloud.  
  
"I'll go get our keys and stuff." Offered Barret. "Go for it." Agreed Cloud. Barret walked to the counter and returned a moment later with  
  
six keys and six bellboys. "Here Cloud and Aeris get one room. Tifa, Cait and, Gabe in another. Me and Marlene are gonna be in a  
  
room. Cid, Shera and Red are gonna be in another room and Vincent and Yuffie get the sixth room." He handed everyone their keys  
  
and everyone broke off into their groups following their bellboys to their rooms as it was decided that everyone would relax in their  
  
rooms and hit the beaches tomorrow.  
  
"What time is it?" asked Cid.  
  
"11:30." Sighed Red XIII.  
  
"God damn it will those two ever quit?!" cried Cid referring to the loud moaning and panting coming from the room of Aeris and Cloud  
  
which was right next to theirs.  
  
'This is the worse then the time you spent the night at Me and Shera's house and Shera's cat Mr.Bong got you drunk and had sex with  
  
you!"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Cid smiled and seeing his cigarette had gone out lit another. He wished Red wasn't here so he and Shera could get down to some  
  
serious business but since that couldn't happen Cid found other ways to extract pleasure.  
  
  
  
Up a couple floors Gabe, Cait Sith and, Tifa where faced with a similar problem. "How can anyone go at it like they have for four straight  
  
hours?" asked Tifa pacing around after her unsuccessful attempt at sleep.  
  
"Don't ask me." Replied Gabe sitting on the couch flipping through channels.  
  
"When can I hook up my Playstation2?" whined Cait Sith jumping up and down on his Moggle.  
  
Gabe looked over at Cait Sith. "You brought a Playstation2? Which games do you have?"  
  
"All of them." Replied Cait Sith.  
  
"Why the hell didn't you say so? Hook it up already!" he turned around to face Tifa. "Do you wanna play?"  
  
Tifa shook her head. "It sounds like their finally slowing down so I'm going to go to sleep."  
  
Gabe shrugged and turned back to Cait who had hooked it up and put a game in. "What are we playing?"  
  
"Dead Or Alive 2."  
  
"Watch me beat you like an unruly school child." Taunted Gabe picking up a controller while Tifa finally drifted off to sleep.  
  
Later on in the night when Cid, Shera, and Red had finally gone to sleep Cloud and Aeris lay in bed watching TV. "Hey look." Exclaimed  
  
Cloud stopping on Cinemax. "The original Nightmare on Elm St. is on. This is my favorite movie."  
  
"I don't wanna watch it Freddy Krueger scares me." Replied Aeris shaking her head. As she said this out of the TV burst Freddy Krueger,  
  
his finger knives raised high, and an evil sneer on his lips.  
  
"Did I hear someone day their scared of me?"  
  
"Fuck off you burnt bastard!" cried Cloud jumping out of bed and realizing as he jumped out that he was wearing no clothes. Freddy  
  
stopped dead and was silent for a moment before letting out a long girlish scream and exploding. Feeling slightly embarrassed Cloud  
  
slipped back into bed with Aeris and went to sleep.  
  
"Why the hell do YOU get the best room?" asked Cid, as Avalanche was in Gabe, Tifa and Cait Sith's room the next morning planning  
  
the day.  
  
"Because, not only do I kick ass but I'm also the author." Replied Gabe annoyed.  
  
"So, who's going to the beach besides Aeris and I?" asked Cloud. Gabe, Tifa, and Cait Sith all raised their hands.  
  
"I'm taking Marlene to some theme park." Sighed Barret.  
  
"I'm going to go get dru-ow!" Cid was briefly winded as Shera elbowed him in the stomach. "I'm taking Shera shopping."  
  
"What about you Red?" asked Cloud.  
  
"I think I'm just going to explore."  
  
"What about you two?" asked Cloud to Vincent and Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie grinned, "Vinny and I are staying in."  
  
Cloud shuddered, "Okay, lets meet back at the hotels restaurant at eight pm." Everyone nodded and walked out.  
  
"Hey, here's a good empty spot." Said Gabe. Tifa and Aeris in one of their first ever known acts of working together placed a large  
  
blanket down.  
  
"I'm going to make the greatest sand castle ever!" announced Cait Sith hopping away quickly.  
  
"Cloud." Asked Aeris in a voice that made Tifa's stomach turn. "Can you put lotion on my back?"  
  
"Sure honey." Smiled Cloud squirting some lotion on Aeris's back and slowly rubbing it in."  
  
"Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous. Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her  
  
back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous. Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous.  
  
Please have Tifa ask me to rub lotion on her back in an attempt to make Cloud jealous." Mumbled Gabe quietly over and over again.  
  
Tifa glared at Aeris before an idea came to her. She turned to Gabe and smiled before asking, in a voice that was an imitation of  
  
Aeris's, "Gabe, could YOU rub lotion on my back?"  
  
"You're damn right I-I mean, sure." Gabe put some of the lotion on his hands and rubbed it into Tifa's back. Tifa looked over to Cloud  
  
expecting to see how he would react. Gabe continued to rub the lotion into Tifa's back and looked up and nearly fell over in shock. "Holy  
  
shit, Is that Krista?" Gabe in a brief moment of complete stupidity jumped up and ran over to see if it was true.  
  
Tifa sat up and saw Aeris and Cloud staring into each others eyes and grumbled smacking the lotion bottle away. "I'm not beat yet. I'll  
  
get Cloud to love me yet." With that she stormed away.  
  
"Hey Krista, this is great! How did you get here?" exclaimed Gabe discovering this was indeed his close friend Krista.  
  
"A plane." She replied.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
"I heard Eric was here so I came here to search for him."  
  
"Still haven't met him eh?"  
  
"No." replied Krista sadly.  
  
"Well, I'll walk around with you and help you."  
  
"Thanks Gabe." Smiled Krista.  
  
At that moment Gabe realized what he had done back there with Tifa, closed his eyes and shook his head. But said nothing and  
  
continued to walk with Krista.  
  
Red XIII finally got comfortable, yawned and, closed his eyes. Just as he did in Costa De Sol, he found a nice shady spot under a  
  
building and decided to spend his time here relaxing.  
  
"Hey Red!"  
  
Red opened his eyes to see Calvin and Hobbes standing in front of him, both wearing shorts. "Hey Hobbes, Calvin." He yawned again  
  
and stood up stretching as he did."What are you both up to?"  
  
"I'm taking Calvin to a souvenir shop." Replied Hobbes.  
  
Red nodded, " You know,You two spend an awful lot of time together."  
  
Calvin and Hobbes eyes snapped up and glared at Red XIII. "What did you say?"  
  
"I just said you two spend an awful lot of time together."  
  
Hobbes grabbed Red XIII by the throat and shoved him against the wall. "We're not gay! That article in the Enquirerer was a load of  
  
horse shit!"  
  
"Gay..? article.?" stammered Red XIII confused. Before Red could say anything Calvin jumped on him and attacked and as Red was  
  
fighting him off Hobbes attacked him as well.  
  
"Wanna go again?" mused Yuffie as Vincent lit a cigarette.  
  
"Hey! You little shit! Look what the fuck you did to my god damn sand castle!" cried Cait Sith as a 3rd group of hyper, small children ran  
  
by trampling his masterpiece of a sandcastle. Cait gathered up all the sand and went back to rebuilding. "One more time.One more  
  
time."  
  
"Papa! I wanna go on another ride!" squealed Marlene holding a stuffed animal and jumping up and down.  
  
Barret who had just been on a ride where you are huge upside down 150 feet from the ground and thrown back and forth from one  
  
platform to the next, over a pit of fire groaned. "Which one?"  
  
"Super Mecca triple up side twister ride of death!"  
  
Barret said nothing as the five-chili dogs he had eaten before going on the last ride caught up with him and he ran into the nearby  
  
bathroom.  
  
"No Yuffie, I think 12 times is enough." Snapped Vincent pushing Yuffie off of him.  
  
"Hawaii kicks ass." Exclaimed Gabe who was still walking along the beach with Krista helping search for Eric.  
  
"Yea." agreed Krista. "Oh my god! Look at that!" Krista pointed several feet ahead of them where Cait Sith was pounding on some  
  
unfortunate man who had crashed into the sandcastle trying to catch a Frisbee.  
  
"This will teach you sons of bitches to trample my fucking sandcastles!!!" screamed Cait Sith who was now jumping up and down on the  
  
man with Moggle. Gabe and Krista ran over and grabbed Cait and Moggle and pulled them away Cait clawing in the air screaming  
  
obscenities.  
  
"Jesus Red! You look like shit!" exclaimed Gabe.  
  
"Don't ask." Grumbled Red who had managed to escape from Calvin and Hobbes.  
  
"I'm hungry as hell, when are we going to eat?" asked Cid sitting down at a table later that night where the rest of Avalanche sat.  
  
"It's a hotel restaurant so there can't be much." Replied Cloud looking over the menu.  
  
"Are you feeling better Cait?" asked Gabe.  
  
Cait Sith nodded, "Yea..I guess..I have a few more days to try and make the greatest sandcastle ever so it's no big deal. By the way  
  
who was that girl you where with?"  
  
"Krista." Replied Gabe. "I figured a good way to confuse the hell out of the three or so people that read this is by brining in a person no  
  
ones ever heard of and refer to things they have no idea about."  
  
"Where is she now?"  
  
"No idea but she'll be back later on."  
  
"Oh." Was all Cait manged to say, picking up the menu.  
  
Tifa looked at Cloud and Aeris whose eyes had never left one another and said nothing only glaring. "Just wait I'm not through yet. I'll  
  
sleep with someone THAT'LL make Cloud jealous." She looked around the table. "But who?" She scanned the entire room with her eyes  
  
before stopping. "I'll sleep with Gabe." She stopped at that comment. She knew she liked Gabe a little and thought if it would be a  
  
good idea to use someone she actually liked. But after that moment thoughts of making Cloud jealous swarmed her head and she  
  
forgot about it in a second.  
  
"The next time we go on vacation." Began Cid later that night when everyone had gone back to their rooms, "We go on vacation, I am  
  
going to make sure my room isn't next to two sex crazed maniacs."  
  
"I hope they quit soon." Sighed Red XIII. "I'm tired."  
  
"Hey we where tired that time you fucked Mr. Bong but we didn't bitch about it!" snapped Cid.  
  
"Why do you keep brining that up?" growled Red XIII  
  
"Because I can!"  
  
"Cid, leave Nanaki alone." Sighed Shera who was writing a post card to send to a friend in Rocket Town.  
  
"No!"  
  
Shera looked up from her post card and gave Cid and evil smile. "Leave Nanaki alone or I'll tell him about the outfit you want me to  
  
dress up in."  
  
Cid turned deathly silent then stood up. "I'm gonna go get a beer." He stormed out nearly shoving Barret back.  
  
"Hey foo! Watch where the hell you're going!" He shook his head and walked into the room. "Hey shera, Can Marlene sleep with you all  
  
tonight?"  
  
"Sure Barret, why?"  
  
"I'm going out on the town." Replied Barret.  
  
"It's no problem, why are you wearing your sailor suit?"  
  
"Pick up chicks! I figure I'll have a better chance at getting women to talk to me if I wear this."  
  
"Good plan." Replied Shera. "Have fun." Barret nodded and leaned down and kissed his daughter and walked out.  
  
"I find something disturbing in the fact that he still had that suit." Said Red XIII  
  
Shera nodded and went back to her post card.  
  
"Hey, This is great." Said Gabe laying on the couch reading a magazine. "Vincent and Yuffie are so exhausted we may actually get  
  
some sleep tonight."  
  
"I knew those two had a limit." Said Cait Sith sitting next to his Moggle playing Tekken Tag Tournament.  
  
"Hey Tifa." Asked Gabe looking up from his magazine. "Are you okay? You've been quiet all night."  
  
Tifa sat down next to Gabe and smiled, I'm fine. I was just about to watch some TV want to watch with me?"  
  
"Sure." Gabe yawned and sat up sitting next to Tifa.  
  
"Gabe?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"I just wanted to tell you that since you've been coming to visit us I've grown to really like you."  
  
Gabe kept himself from turning red. " T..Thanks Tifa." Despite the fact he had had a crush on Tifa since the first time he played Final  
  
Fantasy 7 he kept his head. "But I thought you where in love with Cloud."  
  
Tifa was about to say something but stopped and began to cry. 'I can't do it! I knew I shouldn't have tried this on someone I liked!"  
  
"What's wrong Tifa?"  
  
Tifa wiped some of her tears away. "I want to make Cloud jealous so I decided to pick someone in the group and sleep with them. I  
  
picked you because I actaully like you. I thought it wuld be easy if I picked someone I liked but when the time came I realized I  
  
couldn't do it."  
  
Gabe was silent before getting up and walking out the door.  
  
Tifa sighed and curled up into a ball on the couch. "Hey Tifa." Asked Cait Sith.  
  
"What Cait."  
  
"I'll sleep with you."  
  
40 seconds later  
  
"Tifa!!! Come on don't hang me by my tail from the balcony! It's like 50 stories down! I was only kidding! Come on!" Cait tried to pull  
  
himself up but to no avail. "Where's my Moggle? Tifa? TIFFFFFAAAAAA!!"  
  
Tifa shut the sliding balcony door and fell on her bed to try and sleep.  
  
"The Toolshed." Said Barret reading the huge neon sign in front of him. "Well since this is the only damn bar I've seen in the last  
  
twenty minutes I'll go in here." Barret straightened his sailor suit and walked in. "Awful lot of guys in here." Thought Barret sitting down  
  
at the counter. He ordered a drink and looked around. "Too many guys." He tapped his foot as he listened to the music then stopped  
  
as he realized it was Michael Jackson. "The only bar I know that would play music like that is a gay b-" Barret stopped as a horrible  
  
realization came to him. Before he could do anything however a big burly man walked up to him.  
  
"Hey handsome! You come here often?"  
  
With that Barret let out a long girlish scream and began firing Big Shots in every direction. When he was done the place lay in ruins.  
  
Barret breathing heavily and turned around to see the big burly man still standing next to him black smoke coming from his head and  
  
shoulders. "I take that as a no?"  
  
"Gabe?" Gabe slowly opened his eyes and sat up. He realized it was morning and in front of him was Avalanche except for Vincent and  
  
Yuffie. As well as Shera and Marlene  
  
"Why are you sleeping on the lobby couch?" asked Aeris.  
  
Gabe looked over at Tifa who quickly looked away and yawned stretching his arms and standing up. "I wanted to get another room but  
  
they said they wouldn't have a spare one until this morning so I slept out here for the night." Before anyone could question him further  
  
he walked out. Cloud shrugged and turned back to the others. "So we'll let meet back here for dinner. Let's mosey!"  
  
"Damn! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say move out or something?" snapped Cid  
  
"That joke is REALLY old." He rolled his eyes, "Move out!" Everyone walked out of the hotel and broke off to enjoy Hawaii.  
  
"Oh shit." Thought Red frantically. "There's Calvin." Red turned around and attempted to walk away when out of nowhere Hobbes  
  
jumped out and tackled Red with Calvin joining in a moment later.  
  
"Cid! This is it! The perfect gift!" exclaimed Shera stopping at the window of a Hawaiian jewelry shop.  
  
"What now?" sighed Cid peering into the window and seeing a beautiful necklace in a display case. He noticed the price tag and he  
  
nearly choked. "That damn thing's 90 million gill!"  
  
Shera jumped up. "Oh Cid can you buy it for me please? please? please?"  
  
"Fine." Cid shook his head. "You wait out here I'll go buy it." Cid pushed the door open and walked in. "I liked her better when she was  
  
guilt ridden and easy to boss around."  
  
"Well, hello there sir what can I do for you?"  
  
Cid glared at the annoying clerk behind the counter. "Shut the fuck up! I wanna buy that necklace in the window."  
  
The clerks eyes exploded with dollar signs and he smiled reaching behind the counter and pulling one out and putting in on the table.  
  
"Is there some kind of payment plan?" asked Cid who felt that new paint job and engine for the Highwind getting smaller and smaller  
  
by the minute.  
  
"No sir, we ask for all payment up front."  
  
"Is there any other way?" cried Cid who refused to go out there and bare Shera's wrath.  
  
"Well there is one but, it's so impossible that no one would ever want to attempt it."  
  
"Well I want to. What is it?"  
  
"Defeat a dozen Bill Gates robots." Replied the clerk grinning evilly.  
  
Cid who in his mind had defeated far more imposing enigmas burst out laughing. "Is that all? Well shit man lead the way!"  
  
The clerk said nothing only smiling and motioning for Cid to follow him into the back room.  
  
"Well there they are." Said the clerk after what seemed like an eternity of walking through a long black hallway.  
  
"This is gonna be too easy." Grinned Cid taking a long drag out of his cigarette. He saw the dozen Bill Gates robots standing in front of  
  
him and charged catching one in the jaw. The moment his punch connected however the other eleven attacked and completely  
  
overwhelmed him with martial arts moves. The clerk grinned as he watched Cid go flying past him and crash into a wall.  
  
"You didn't tell me those fucking things knew kung fu!!" cried Cid getting up.  
  
"Had enough?"  
  
"Not by a long shot!" Cid pulled out Venus Gospel and charged impaling one of the robots. As he did another one came at him and tried  
  
to kick him in the head but Cid ducked and in one swift motion pulled out the Venus Gospel and drove it into the others head while  
  
kicking two more back and uppercutting another. As he was fighting four back, he turned around and to his horror saw the one he  
  
thought he killed liquefy itself back to normal. "Holy shit! These things are T-1000's!!!" Cid turned around to attack it and was nailed in  
  
the back, kicked in the head and, thrown into the wall.  
  
"Will you be paying with a check, cash or a major credit card?" asked the clerk still watching the fight.  
  
"Fuck you." Cid got to his feet and felt around in his pocket. "Where is it.I know it's here somwhere-ah ha!" Cid pulled out a mastered  
  
Ice Materia and grinned. He turned around and pointed it at the Bill Gates T-1000's. "So long lame fucks! Ahahahahahah." Cid cast Ice3  
  
and watched as all of the Bill Gates instantly turned into a dozen Bill Gates shaped pop sickles.  
  
"Now, Give me that damn necklace!" snapped Cid standing in the front of the counter with the clerk.  
  
The clerk said nothing and thrust the necklace into Cid's hands. "Take it and leave."  
  
"Wait." Said Cid putting the necklace down. "I just can't go and take this, I should give you something?"  
  
The clerk looked up hopeful, "Yea? What?"  
  
"THIS!' Cid pulled out the Venus Gospel and drove the clerk into the wall then pulled the spear upwards c slicing the clerk in half. Just as  
  
he was about to leave an idea came to Cid who quickly reached behind the counter grabbed all the money he could and walked back  
  
outside to give Shera the necklace.  
  
"Gabe, there you are."  
  
Gabe who was standing in a music store with Krista looking at CD's turned around to see Tifa. "Oh hey Tifa." Said Gabe trying to forget  
  
what had happened last night.  
  
"Can I talk to you over here for a moment?"  
  
"Sure." Tifa took Gabe's arm and pulled him into another aisle.  
  
"Gabe, about last night, I'm sorry I tried to use you like that? I really do like you. But I realized if I did what I planned to do all it would  
  
do would make you like me when I'm still trying to get Cloud. I'm not making any sense."  
  
"Sure you are." replied Gabe. "I like you too to be honest. Maybe we can go out sometime."  
  
" Maybe but I still want to try and get Cloud." Said Tifa quietly looking down.  
  
Gabe nodded, "I understand, I'll see you and the rest of the guys at dinner." Before Tifa could reply Gabe turned around and walked  
  
back to Krista. Tifa didn't say anything only turning and walking away.  
  
"I heard the whole thing. Sorry Gabe." Said Krista.  
  
"It's no big deal." Sighed Gabe.  
  
"I was wondering something, Seeing how you're the author and all and you have that Authors fan fic power don't you know what is going  
  
to happen?"  
  
"Not really." Replied Gabe. "This is a lot different then what I had in mind and I'm sort of making it up as I go along so I have no idea  
  
where this will lead."  
  
"So in order for people to find out they're going to have to read future stories?"  
  
"Exactly, come on lets continue this search for Eric thing." Krista nodded and walked ahead while Gabe turned around and took one last  
  
look at Tifa before turning around and catching up with Krista.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh not again! Some clumsy little shit destroyed my fucking sandcastle AGAIN!!! God damn it!!!!!" Cait Sith jumped up in the air  
  
and chased after the four little kids who trampled over the sandcastle with murderous intentions.  
  
"Ow! Vinny my legs don't bend back so far!" wailed Yuffie  
  
Red knew he was finished against Calvin and Hobbes. He charged at Calvin with a Blood Fang but was speared by Hobbes in mid air.  
  
"This will teach you for calling us gay!!!" cried Calvin punching Red in the stomach while Hobbes held him down.  
  
"Snootch to the mother fucking nooooooootch." Calvin and Hobbes looked up to see two figures drop next to them. One of them picked  
  
Calvin up kicked him in the stomach several times then grabbed his head and twisted it off. Hobbes drew his claws and swung at one of  
  
the figures who jumped over him and grabbed his tail and in one swift motion grabbed his tail and wrapped it around his throat. Hobbes  
  
tried to buck whoever was doing this off but couldn't and soon slumped down.  
  
Red XIII slowly lifted himself up and to his shock saw that his two saviors where Jay and Silent Bob. "Sup Cat Dog." Grinned Jay. Silent  
  
Bob nodded a greeting and lit himself a cigarette.  
  
"Thank you." Said Red XIII.  
  
"Don't thank me I was ready to let them beat your ass but Lunchbox over here ran in so I followed."  
  
"How can I repay you?"  
  
"I got a pretty good idea." Grinned Jay.  
  
Red shook his head and grumbled. "What am I supposed to do with forty pounds of weed?" He looked back and saw Jay and Silent Bob  
  
walking off and walked in the opposite direction.  
  
Later that night everyone was once again at the hotel restaurant eating dinner. "So what should we do tomorrow since it's our last day?"  
  
asked Aeris.  
  
"There's this cruise ship thing where this luxury cruise liner takes you on a tour. It lasts like the entire day. Who want's to go." Asked  
  
Cloud surprised that everyone put up their hand.  
  
  
  
"Fine, We gotta be there at eight."  
  
"I'm brining my friend Krista." Said Gabe taking a bite out of his cheeseburger.  
  
Tifa watched everyone talking and said nothing. She felt a little better about what had happened earlier and now was back to plotting  
  
revenge against Tifa. When everyone was finished they went to their rooms and for the first time on the vacation every one with the  
  
exception of Cid, Shera, and Red XIII who had to put up with Cloud and Aeris had a peaceful night of sleep.  
  
"Holy shit, this is a huge boat!"  
  
"Marlene! Don't ever say that!" scolded Barret.  
  
"That's one foul mouthed little kid."  
  
"Shut up Cid you chain smoking ass! You're the one who has a swear word in every other sentence!"  
  
"Will you two quit it?" snapped Cloud.  
  
"Cloud, I wanna get a tan."  
  
"Sure Aeris, anyone else coming?"  
  
An evil idea suddenly came to Tifa who raised her hand "I will!"  
  
"I will too." Said Krista. She turned to Gabe. "Are you going to come?"  
  
"Sure, I have nothing better to do."  
  
"I'm taking Marlene to the toy store they're supposed to have down below." Said Barret.  
  
"Me, Shera and Red are going down to the pool to relax." Said Cid looking frightening in swimming trunks.  
  
"Yuffie, Cait Sith and myself will be exploring the cruise. Liner." Said Vincent.  
  
Cloud was about to say, "Let's mosey!" but thought better of it and simply walked off with Aeris and the others while the rest of  
  
Avalanche went to do their things.  
  
"Look Cloud there's the tanning bed." Aeris let go of his hand and ran into a small room with three tanning beds.  
  
"I think I'll get a tan too." Decided Cloud opening up the bed on the left and sliding into it while Krista took the middle one and Aeris  
  
took the right one.  
  
"I'm going to go get a soda." Said Gabe who didn't want to be alone with Tifa.  
  
Tifa grinned evilly. "At last." She quietly snuck up to the device that set the level of heat on the tanning bed and pulled it back to "God  
  
damn! That's fucking hot!" and stood back all smiles. At first nothing happened then, Tifa noticed Aeris start to squirm then she let out  
  
a horrified scream and tried to jump out but couldn't push the tanning bed up. By now Cloud and Krista jumped out of the tanning beds  
  
and pulled Aeris out who was beat red and sobbing.  
  
"What happened to Aeris?" exclaimed Gabe walking into the room.  
  
"She got burned on the tanning bed." Replied Cloud he turned back to her and slowly helped her out with Krista following behind. Gabe  
  
looked over at Tifa who still had a smirk on her face.  
  
"You did that?" Tifa nodded. Gabe smiled, "Not bad." He turned and walked out leaving Tifa to shine in her moment of triumph.  
  
"This is it?" asked Yuffie in disbelief as Yuffie, Vincent and, Cait Sith stood in a large room that was supposed to be where the  
  
amusement park was.  
  
"There's a ride over there." replied Cait Sith. The three walked over to a building roughly the size of a trailer which had a cart and some  
  
tracks leading out of it.  
  
"You wanna ride?" asked a seedy looking man standing next to the ride.  
  
The three shrugged and paid three dollars each and sat in the cart. "This is going to be such a stupid ride." Complained Yuffie as the  
  
seedy looking man pulled a lever and the cart slowly moved into the small building.  
  
"Okay Marlene you go ahead and look at the toys but don't talk to strangers. I'll be right in this aisle." Marlene nodded and ran off.  
  
Barret sighed and walked along the aisle looking at toys he stopped at one toy and picked it up. "This thing looks stupid as hell what is  
  
this?" he scanned to the top of the box which read Chucky Doll. He noticed the words "Try Me" on the side and flipped the box over to  
  
see the string hanging out of the back. He pulled the string and flipped the box back over.  
  
"Hi I'm Chucky wanna play?"  
  
Barret chuckled, "Cute." He pulled the string again.  
  
"Hi, I'm your friend to the end!"  
  
"I bet Marlene would like this thing." Thought Barret pulling the string a third time.  
  
"Hi I'm Chucky wanna...DIE?"  
  
Barret let out his trademark girlish scream and dropped the box which began jumping up and down before Chucky burst out of the box  
  
knife in hand. "I'm gonna get out of this fucking body and you're gonna help me!!" Chucky lunged at Barret who turned and ran but as  
  
soon as he came around the corner he came to a dead end and realized he was trapped. He spun around and saw Chucky slowly  
  
coming towards him laughing madly. Barret aimed his gun arm at Chucky and fired three shots at Chucky igniting him into flames, but  
  
still Chucky moved on.  
  
"Lemme alone you damn doll!" cried Barret "Big Shot!" Barret nearly fell back as a Big Shot blasted Chucky sending him flying back into  
  
the other side of the store in a huge explosion.  
  
"Daddy! There you are!" Barret's heart nearly jumped into his throat as he turned he turned to his right to see Marlene. "Are you okay?  
  
I heard an explosion."  
  
Barret wiped some sweat away from his head and managed to smile. Taking his daughter by the hand and walking through the aisle  
  
towards the exit.  
  
"Papa look!" Barret turned around and to his horror saw the Chucky doll sitting on the shelf sneering at him.  
  
"Papa wake up! Papa!" Marlene leaned down and tried to revive her father who had just fainted.  
  
"Wow did that ever suck." remarked Gabe as every one got off the cruise liner.  
  
"Yea, thanks for wasting our entire day." Snapped Cid who actually had a decent day but still felt the need to complain.  
  
"Shut up, no one asked you to come." Retorted Cloud still holding Aeris who by now wasn't as red but was still badly burned.  
  
"Are you coming with us?" asked Gabe walking alongside Krista.  
  
Krista shook her head "No I'm going to continue my quest to find Eric."  
  
"Suit yourself." Gabe leaned over and hugged his friend. "See you around." Krista returned the hug and slowly walked off.  
  
"What happened to these three?" asked Red XIII referring to Vincent, Yuffie, and Cait Sith who where in a state of catatonic.  
  
"No idea." Replied Cloud. "They haven't said a word since we found them in the dumspter behind the ships restaurant.  
  
Everyone returned home and that night enjoyed the only blissful night of sleep due to Aeris's burns and Yuffie and Vincent's state of  
  
catatonic which lasted well into the morning.  
  
"I don't want to take the damn plane." Whined Cloud as Avalanche, Shera, Marlene and, Gabe stood outside the hotel the next  
  
morning.  
  
'We don't have to." Replied Gabe who decided to mercifully end this fan fic and within moments the Highwind appeared and landed.  
  
"Kick ass." Was all Cloud could say as everyone got onto the Highwind which rose into the sky and shot off for home.  
  
"Hey!" smiled Yuffie a few hours after coming out of her catatonic. "At least I don't have to be hung from the wing again!"  
  
"Oh yea?" grinned Cid.  
  
"Awww come on guys don't do this again!" cried Yuffie hanging from the back of the Highwind. "I'm scared of heights come on!" Yuffie's  
  
cries where in vain as the Highwind continued to shoot through the sky at break neck speed for Midgar. 


	7. 1.06-Tower of really bad stuff

A Final Fantasy 7 Fan Fic-"The Tower Of Really Bad Stuff"  
  
Written By Gabe Ricard  
  
Here it is, number six in the FF7 Series. I'm really surprised by the good reviews the series has been getting thus far and I hope this  
  
one keeps up to the expectations of those who are enjoying the series. I will also be keeping the swear words in so if your offended by  
  
sentences such as this: "Holy shit it's a whole" fucking army of 45 foot Mr. Rogers robots!" Then this fan fic is not for you. Thanks for  
  
reading and be sure to review.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Why would anyone want to watch a movie with audio commentary when you can't even hear the fucking movie?" grumbled Cait Sith as  
  
most of Avalanche, Shera and Marlene all sat down stairs at Tifa's 7th Heaven watching the DVD version of Mallrats.  
  
"To gain more insight into the movie." Replied Gabe annoyed.  
  
"Why anyone would want to gain insight into this is beyond me." Yawned Red XIII.  
  
"I agree." Said Vincent removing his good hand from Yuffie's shirt (or whatever that thing is.). "This movie sucks."  
  
"Shut the hell up! Mallrats kicked ass and that's final."  
  
"I thought you had more taste then this crap." agreed Yuffie.  
  
Gabe who refused to take any sort of criticism from Yuffie, snapped and got up glaring at everyone "Fuck the lot of you I'm going up  
  
above." Gabe got off the couch and stormed over to the elevator and going back to the bar.  
  
"All right! Now I can watch Sesame Street!" cried Cait Sith grabbing the remote controller only to be attacked by everyone else.  
  
Above the bar, Shera, and Tifa where behind the counter putting bottles away while Marlene sat on the counter cleaning glasses. At a  
  
table sat Cid, Barret, and Cloud playing cards while Aeris sat next to Cloud. "I win again!" cried Cid reaching over and bringing all the  
  
chips over to his side.  
  
"Your cheating I know it. There's no way you could ever win on your own." Grumbled Cloud dealing again.  
  
"Let me play." Said Gabe sitting down. Cloud shrugged and dealt Gabe five cards. Gabe looked at his cards and grinned. "I'm going  
  
home with the money tonight!"  
  
Four minutes and forty-seven seconds later  
  
"Gabe I'm not letting you bid your boxers."  
  
"Come on damn it! I need to get my money, my shirt, my three white Air Heads and, my pants back!"  
  
Cloud tossed him his ICP shirt and pants. "Here you can have the shirt back."  
  
"Gee, thanks." Grumbled Gabe putting the shirt and pants back on.  
  
"This sure isn't your day!" exclaimed Cid. Before Gabe could tell Cid to shut the hell up while calling him grandpa the door burst in and  
  
Rob Zombie walked in.  
  
Gabe got up and walked over to Rob Zombie. "Rob Zombie what are you doing here?"  
  
"You mean you haven't seen it?" asked Rob Zombie in surprise.  
  
"No what?"  
  
"The huge skyscraper that appeared." Replied Rob Zombie. "Alice Cooper has created a skyscraper and says he's preparing to make  
  
his move to conquer the world!"  
  
"Wow.guess this is what happens when we don't go out." Said Gabe. "How big is this skyscraper?"  
  
"It goes up as far as the eye can see. It's a couple thousand stories at least. There's more, He says he's got an even bigger army then  
  
before." Rob Zombie pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking a drag. "I came here because I'm going to storm the building and I want  
  
your help. We aren't the only ones there's some other guys who have gone in there but they haven't come back so I'm going in. You  
  
guys in?"  
  
Gabe turned to Cloud, "We better go get the others."  
  
"Holy shit, this is a big building." Remarked Cid straining his neck up to try and see the top but to no avail.  
  
"I told you." Said Rob Zombie.  
  
"I don't like this." Said Cloud. "I mean there's no security guarding the door."  
  
"Who cares?" replied Gabe. "Come on lets go kick that pussy Alice Coopers ass!"  
  
Cloud nodded and Avalanche, Gabe and Rob Zombie walked through the doors of the skyscraper.  
  
"The rooms empty." Said Tifa as everyone walked in.  
  
"Brilliant insight tramp." Remarked Aeris rolling her eyes.  
  
"Shut up bitch!"  
  
"Will you two shut the hell up?" asked Red XIII.  
  
"Look there's an intercom on the wall over there." said Gabe pointing to the left wall where an ancient intercom stood.  
  
As Gabe said this the intercom crackled and the familiar voice of Alice Cooper could be heard. "Well.Well look who showed up. I was  
  
hoping you'd show up Zombie and as for you Gabe I haven't forgotten what you did to me and I've got something extra special planned  
  
for you. As for the rest of you welcome To My Nightmare!" Alice then stopped and laughed for several minutes as if he had just told the  
  
funniest joke ever before resuming. "Make yourselves at home and I'll see you all in hell!" As he finished saying this Courtney Loves  
  
voice could be heard.  
  
"Alice! Put on the school girl outfit and come back to bed!"  
  
Everyone could hear Alice nearly choke over the intercom before he turned it off. "If dats not some fucked up some shit I don't know  
  
what is." Remarked Barret. Before anyone could reply the lights went out and when they came back on no one was there.  
  
"NOW where the hell are we?" grumbled Gabe rubbing his head and slowly rising to his feet. Next to him was Rob Zombie and in front of  
  
him was Vincent who was helping Yuffie to her feet. When they all had recovered they turned around to see a huge gate in front of  
  
them. "How are we going to open that thing?" asked Gabe aloud.  
  
"Well I guess we could-" Rob Zombies words where cut short as the gate slowly opened and everyone was about to walk through but  
  
stopped dead in their tracks as from the gate emerged a 50 foot Mr. Rogers robot.  
  
"WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?" It roared in a mechanical voice before raising its left fist and bringing it down where Rob Zombie and  
  
the others where standing. They where barely able to get out of the way and as they did Vincent drew his gun and fired several shots at  
  
its head. Gabe pulled out a ninja sword and leaped up and tried to slice it's head off but the robot smacked him away as if he where a  
  
fly. Rob Zombie charged at the robot who wound his foot back and kicked him into the wall.  
  
"I guess I'll have to take care of this." Thought Yuffie. She charged up and ran at the robot. "Gauntlet!!" Yuffie put everything she had  
  
into the attack and when the dust cleared the robot lay in ruins.  
  
Gabe was in disbelief. "YUFFIE killed the robot."  
  
Yuffie jumped in the air then ran into Vincent's arms and gave him a kiss. "I did it Vinny!" Gabe shook his head not believing that  
  
Yuffie of all people could have a positive impact on a battle. He walked over to the now open gate and stopped as he did. To his horror  
  
several dozen of the robots charged though sending Gabe running back to where everyone else was.  
  
"Holy shit it's a whole" fucking army of 45 foot Mr. Rogers robots!" cried Vincent. Gabe pulled the ninja sword back out took a deep  
  
breath and waited for the first one to attack.  
  
"Well this sucks being all by my damn self!" grumbled Barret. He stopped as out of nowhere Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope burst through  
  
a building with a carved up guy flying in front of them.  
  
J looked at the body then looked up at Shaggy and cackled. "We beat that fuck senseless!" Shaggy grinned and nodded high fiving  
  
Shaggy 2 Dope. J turned looked over and stopped at the site of Barret. "Another one Shaggs I'm gonna cut this ones eyes out!" Shaggy  
  
just stood there for a moment thinking about something. Something quickly came to him and he grabbed Violent J's shoulder and spun  
  
him around.  
  
"Wait J! This is one of Gabes boys!"  
  
Violent J looked over at Barret then back at Shaggy and put the knife away. "You know where the fuck we are Mr. T?"  
  
Barret glared, "My name aint Mr. and no I don't know where we are."  
  
While Violent J and Barret where talking Shaggy noticed something and grabbed J's shoulder and turned him around. "What the fuck? Is  
  
that the cast of Gilligans Island?"  
  
Barret turned around and as he did the cast of Gilligans Island attacked. Shaggy pulled out a large knife and slit the Movie Stars throat  
  
(authors note: I have no idea what the Movie Stars name is). Violent J tried to do the same but was stomped down by the Skipper and  
  
Gilligan. Shaggy got knocked into a wall from the surprising strength of Marry Ann. As Mary Ann charged Shaggy jumped over her and  
  
stabbed her in the heart causing her to burst into flames. The Skipper was holding up J and Gilliagan wound back with the hatchet, but  
  
Violent J ducked and Gilligan beheaded the Skipper. J reacted instantly and kicked Gilligan in the gut causing him to drop the hatchet  
  
which J picked up and drove into Gilligan's head. Mr. and Mrs. Howell came at Barret who wound back and blew them both away with Big  
  
Shots leaving only the professor who tried to uppercut Shaggy but Shaggy ducked the punch and tripped him into a clothesline with a  
  
hatchet.  
  
"Never did like that show." Remarked Barret kicking Gilligans body aside.  
  
  
  
"BANZAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII." Barret and ICP turned around to see Yokozuna drop down. Shaggy raised his knife and ran at Yokozuna who  
  
grabbed Shaggy 2 Dope and stuffed him into his mouth swallowing him whole. Barret fired off several rounds from his gun arm but to  
  
his surprise the bullets where absorbed into the massive girth of Yokozuna.  
  
Cid, Red XIII and, Cait Sith walked through a long brightly lit hallway waiting for anything to jump out at any time.  
  
"I think we should have stayed home." Sighed Red XIII.  
  
Cid glared, "You're only saying that because you're a pussy."  
  
Red XIII said nothing and continued walking alongside Cait Sith who jumped up and down on his moggle excitedly.  
  
At that moment a huge explosion could be heard and everyone ran around the corner and came to a huge room where Jay and Silent  
  
Bob, Kid Rock and Joe C fighting an army of zombie rappers led by MC.Hammer. Cid took a long drag from his cigarette and pulled out  
  
the Venus Gospel and charged into the fight taking out three zombies in a single attack. Cait Sith hopped over and smashed a couple  
  
into the ground then uppercut another. Red XIII saw that Jay was just about to be killed and after a moment of debating decided he  
  
owed Jay and ran over taking the zombie out with a Blood Fang.  
  
"Thanks Cat Dog!" exclaimed Jay.  
  
Red XIII said nothing and turned around tearing a zombies arms off only to have one of them wrap some gold chains around his  
  
throat. Silent Bob was battling MC.Hammer with a Lightsaber and was losing badly.  
  
"I'll help ya Lunch Box!" cried Jay jumping over to help Silent Bon only to get ganged up on by the zombies.  
  
"Bwahahahaha by helpin Alice Cooper I can FINALLY resume my place as the king of hip hop!!!!"  
  
M.C Hammer turned around to see himself staring down the barrel of Kid Rock's shotgun. Kid Rock said nothing only grinning and  
  
pulling the trigger then leaning down to help Silent Bob up.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhh we're dead!!!" cried Aeris as Aeris, Tifa and, Cloud where cornered by Jason Voorhees  
  
"We shouldn't have listened to Cloud and took that left!" grumbled Tifa.  
  
"It's a fucking maze!" cried Cloud.  
  
At that moment Jason lowered his chain saw and to the surprise of Cloud, Tifa and, Aeris began to laugh. At first the laugh was a long  
  
deep evil type of laugh then slowly it became lighter and more familiar.  
  
"That laugh is awfully familiar." Said Cloud who finally reached over and yanked the hockey mask off to reveal Sephiroth.  
  
"What is it with you dressing up like Jason Voorhees." Asked Aeris angry that she had been scared by someone like Sephiroth.  
  
"It's either this or women's panties." Replied Sephiroth.  
  
"Which is why I say I think it's pretty cool you're dressing up as Jason." Said Cloud quickly.  
  
"Please don't kill me." Sighed Sephiroth. "Let me join so I can at least live another paragraph."  
  
Cloud was about to say no but noticed Aeris giving him a look. "Okay." He sighed.  
  
A moment later the wall in front of them collapsed and to everyone's horror PeeWee Herman and Michael Myers slowly emerged from  
  
the rubble. Tifa remembered what happened at the clothing store and let out a horrified scream hiding behind Cloud.  
  
Sephiroth drew his mansuame and tried to drive it into PeeWee's skull but Michael Myers intervened thrusting the knife into Sephiroth's  
  
fore head. PeeWee grabbed Tifa by the throat and was about to do something truly unspeakable but Cloud ducked under Michael Myers  
  
attempted stab in the head and sliced PeeWee in half.  
  
Michael Myers was about to get Cloud as he came around but Aeris froze his feet into the ground with an Ice spell and Tifa nailed him  
  
with a 7th Heaven and Cloud finished Michael Myers off with a Climhazzard.  
  
"Cloud you saved me!" exclaimed Tifa.  
  
"Of course I did. You're my child hood friend.  
  
"Does this mean.?" she began hopefully.  
  
Cloud shook his head. "No, I still love Aeris."  
  
  
  
Tifa said nothing only grumbling and kicking a wall.  
  
"Die mother fucker!!!!" Everyone bolted around to see Bruce Willis run through the opening where the wall used to be firing his uzi. He  
  
stopped and looked around. "Oh..everyone's already dead. Damn MY face is red." He turned to the others. "Sorry about that."  
  
Cloud shrugged. "It's okay. Wanna come along we could use to the help."  
  
Bruce shrugged "Sure but, which way do we go?"  
  
"Lets go through the wall." Suggested Aeris.  
  
"Ohhh great idea flower bitch." Mumbled Tifa.  
  
"Shut the fuck up you two cent whore!" snapped Aeris who had heard Tifa.  
  
"Why don't you make me you dirty slut!" retorted Tifa.  
  
Bruce Willis turned to Cloud. "Is it always like this?"  
  
Cloud said nothing and walked through the collapsed wall with the others following a moment later.  
  
"That's that last of those things!" exclaimed Gabe standing with the others amidst the pile of broken robots.  
  
They left the piles of broken robots and walked through the previously inaccessible gate and went from the medieval setting they had  
  
been in before and came to an empty arena and a wrestling ring.  
  
"Where the fuck are we now?" asked Rob Zombie as they walked into the ring.  
  
"Let's just rest here." Sighed Gabe slumping into a corner.  
  
"No rest for assholes like you!" came a voice everyone looked to their left to see the Turks, Ricky Martin, and Robocop come from out  
  
of the crowd.  
  
Not using common sense Gabe jumped to his feet and dove over the top rope and onto the Turks who quickly beat him down while  
  
Ricky Martin and Robocop went into the ring to fight the others.  
  
"Who's the loser now?" mocked Elena kicking Gabe in the face.  
  
"You are!" spat Gabe pulling out his ninja sword and knocking all of the Turks back and slicing Elena's throat open. Reno knocked Gabe  
  
into Rude who flatened him with an uppercut. Gabe swung his sword at Reno who ducked and kicked Gabe in the stomach. Just as Rude  
  
was going to go for the kill a gun blast penetrated his skull. Reno turned around to see Vincent with a rare smile on his face.  
  
Reno slowly began to walk backwards then turned to run but was shot in the leg. Reno clutched his bloody leg and looked up at Vincent  
  
who smiled again aiming the gun at Reno's face and pulling the trigger.  
  
"Prepare to die." Said Robocop raising his gun at Yuffie who had been unable to make a dent in Robocop. Just when it seemed like  
  
Yuffie was done for an idea came to her.  
  
"Oh yea? How about THIS!" with that Yuffie tore her top off revealing herself to Robocop who shrieked in horror before malfunctioning  
  
and exploding. "Took care of Robocop!" grinned Yuffie.  
  
"Ricky Martin is no more." Said Rob Zombie holding his head up.  
  
"Now what?" asked Gabe. Before anyone could reply the lights once again went out and when they came on Gabe was gone.  
  
Yokozuna had been joined by Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, the Goobly Gooker and Goldberg while Barret and Violent J where barely  
  
holding their own. Barret blew the Gooker away and tried to blast Kurt Angle who with a disturbing amount of feminine like agility leaped  
  
out of the way and kicked Barret in the face.  
  
Goldberg had just finished powerbombing Violent J through a car windshield and as J pulled himself out he was pounded down by Edge  
  
and Christian.  
  
"You are SO dead!" grinned Edge who leaned back for a haymaker but felt something grab his arm and hold him back. Both Edge and  
  
Christian turned around to see Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mankind, The Rock and, Undertaker.  
  
"Not today son." Grinned Steve Austin who grabbed Edge and gave him a stunner that was so hard that Edge's head popped off and was  
  
caught by Undertaker who wound back and threw it out of view. Christian tried to run but was caught by Mankind who had climbed up a  
  
150 story building and dove off landing on Christian and putting them both through the ground. A moment later Mankind emerged from  
  
the wreckage and went after Yokozuna who kneed him in the head and threw him into a car. Yokozuna turned around to meet Violent J  
  
who rammed a needle into Yokozuna's gut causing him to fly back like a balloon zooming around the city and landing next to Barret  
  
looking like a giant flattened balloon.  
  
Violent J looked over to his left and saw Shaggy lying on a car and walked over to him helping him up.  
  
Goldberg realized he was the only one left and charged at Barret spearing him into a building. He jumped up and stood over Barret's  
  
unconscious body cackling. "WHO'S NEXT? WHO'S NEXT?"  
  
"You are jack ass."  
  
Goldberg turned around to see Steve Austin, The Rock, and Undertaker. Goldberg swung at Austin who blocked it and fired in some lefts  
  
before kicking him in the stomach and hitting him with a stunner. Austin picked up Goldberg and threw him to Undertaker who choke  
  
slammed onto a car. Rock jumped up on the car slipped his elbow pad off and despite not doing the running back and forth bit drove a  
  
peoples elbow into Goldberg's chest. Knowing he was not dead Undertaker got on his motorcycle and ran over Goldberg's head several  
  
times long after he was dead.  
  
"You okay man?" asked Undertaker helping Barret up.  
  
Barret nodded, "Yea thanks."  
  
"What next?" asked Steve pulling a beer out of nowhere and taking a sip.  
  
"We gotta find that damn freak Alice Cooper and kick his ass!"  
  
The Rock nodded. "The Rock agrees with Mr. T."  
  
Stone Cold noticed Barret's glare and chuckled. "Okay lets get going and get the hell out of here." Everyone agreed and continued to  
  
make their way through the seemingly endless Armageddon laden city.  
  
"We're out of the maze!" exclaimed Cloud throwing his arms up in the air.  
  
"No shit Sherlock." Replied Bruce Willis.  
  
"I told you for the last time, STOP CALLING ME CAT DOG!!"  
  
Jay turned to Silent Bob, "I think I made Cat Dog angry." Silent Bob nodded and took a drag of his cigarette.  
  
"Jesus, what next?" mumbled Gabe walking through a deserted Wild West street. Gabes question was answered as two bullets whizzed  
  
past him. He turned around to see Clint Eastwood and John Wayne. "I should have known." Sighed Gabe ducking into a bar and  
  
throwing himself behind the counter as several more bullets shot past him. "What the shit am I going to do now?!" he cried to himself.  
  
As his mind raced with what to do he noticed an open drawer with a six shooter and he leaned over and grabbed it. Gabe took a deep  
  
breath before leaping from behind the counter and firing three bullets all of which hit John Wayne. Gabe was about to shoot Clint  
  
Eastwood but he reacted too quickly and Gabe was barely able to get back behind the counter as Clint fired off several more shots.  
  
Gabe jumped up and fired two more shots both of which missed.  
  
"Fuck! I only have one bullet left." He grumbled.  
  
Clint Eastwood knew this and smiled coldly. "I know what you're thinking, with that one shot your might get lucky but this here's the 45.  
  
Magnum with enough power to blow your head clean off. Now you gotta be askin yourself one question, do I feel lucky?.." His cold grin  
  
turned to a vicious snarl. "Well do you punk?" Gabe didn't respond and instead closed his eyes and lifted his gun up and fired hearing it  
  
bounce around the room and then stop. After a moment Gabe slowly rose and looked over the counter to see Clint Eastwood slumped  
  
over a table with a bullet in the side of his head.  
  
"Guess so." Smiled Gabe grabbing a beer and walking out and nearly falling over in shock as he now found himself in a long hallway.  
  
"What kind of building IS this?" asked Yuffie as Rob Zombie, Vincent and Yuffie now found themselves in an post apocalyptic city.  
  
"Hey is that Barret?" asked Vincent in surprise.  
  
Rob Zombie looked ahead. "I believe it is. There are some others with him as well." In a few moments Barret and his group met up with  
  
Rob Zombie and his group.  
  
"Thank god we met up with someone NOT trying to kill us." Said Rob Zombie relieved.  
  
"What was that sound?" asked Vincent looking around.  
  
Everyone stopped talking and listened for the foot steps which where coming closer and closer.  
  
"The Rock believes they are coming from behind that building."  
  
Everyone agreed as the foot steps got closer until finally from behind the building emerged Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and, Bruce Willis.  
  
The group of fourteen stood next to an old connivance store taking a rest and planning their strategy.  
  
"I'd like to see that asshole Alice Cooper try something NOW." Grinned Barret.  
  
"Maybe I will!" Everyone looked up to see Alice Cooper standing on top of the connivance store sneering down on the heroes. Before  
  
anyone could react Alice Cooper pulled out his nightstick and fired at Tifa knocking her cold. Alice lifted his hand up which caused Tifa to  
  
float up and the air and land right next to Alice. "Just came by to grab something. Hope you're all having fun, toddles." Alice Cooper let  
  
out a long evil laugh and disappeared in a flash of light along with Tifa. In his place stood a guy dressed up as the killer from Scream.  
  
The guy said nothing and dove onto the small crowd of thirteen and was quickly beaten down.  
  
They where about to finish them off but Cloud stopped them. "Let's see who it is first!"  
  
Undertaker reached over and tore the mask off to reveal Eric Bicheoff. Everyone was surprised but a grin slowly appeared on Austin's  
  
face. "Let me deal with him." Austin grabbed Eric Bicheoff by the throat and dragged him into the connivance store. After five minutes of  
  
screaming Austin came out glowing. "All right let's go."  
  
"Where do you think Alice Cooper took Tifa?" asked Cloud concerned.  
  
"Who cares?" shrugged Aeris.  
  
As everyone turned to leave Rob Zombie peeked into the store and saw blood all over the walls but no body only the skull which was  
  
hung by a rope from the ceiling. "Nice." He thought approvingly before catching up with the others.  
  
"Holy shit it's the South Park kids." Exclaimed Cait Sith as Cait Sith and the others came to Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman who where  
  
standing next to a door.  
  
"Hey it's that fucking cat!" cried Cartman. Before anyone could do anything Cartman pulled out a nightstick and knocked Cait's head  
  
off.  
  
"Hey what the hell did you do that for?!" demanded Cid angrily.  
  
"Because I am super cool and you're an old bastard." Replied Cartman.  
  
As the arguing broke out Kenny walked up to Jay and began mumbling various obscenities at Jay who replied by kicking Kenny to a wall  
  
which had a huge spike on it which impaled Kenny.  
  
"Oh my god you killed Kenny!" cried Stan.  
  
Kyle looked up at Jay and glared. "You bastard!" With that a fight broke out between everyone except Silent Bob who watched the fight  
  
for a moment before jumping into the middle of it causing both groups to stop fighting.  
  
"Listen There's no reason to fight when you guys know both guys will be in the next fucking episode! We need to combine our efforts  
  
find that brittle bastard Alice Cooper and kick his ass!" Everyone was silent taking in what Silent Bob was saying as they were Cid pulled  
  
out Venus Gospel and speared Stan and Kyle into the wall. Cartman tried to waddle away but was met by a new Cait Sith who smashed  
  
him into a pancake.  
  
Cid noticed Silent Bob glaring at him and shrugged. "Hey, kick ass speech though."  
  
"Now what?" lamented Cloud as the heroes came to a casino.  
  
"It's a casino." Exclaimed Yuffie.  
  
Barret used his good hand to reach over and slap the back of Yuffie's head. "Thank you Captain Obvious." He turned to Vincent; "Hey  
  
some body had to take over."  
  
"At least we're out of the city, let's just go in.," said Undertaker. Everyone agreed and walked in and where met at the door by Rufus,  
  
Scarlet, Heidegger and Hojo surrounded by an army of Viscera zombies, two Proud Clods, the Big Bossman and a rabid Lassie.  
  
"Rufus what the hell are you doing helping Alice Cooper?" asked Cloud who knew Alice Cooper hadn't created Rufus and the others.  
  
Rufus shrugged, "Whatever gets you out of the way." He pointed his shotgun at Cloud and the others and smiled, "Kill." Upon saying  
  
this everything but the Big Bossman who stayed next to Rufus attacked.  
  
Stone Cold Steve Austin jumped onto a Proud Clod and tore its arm off and used it to knock both the Clods heads off then take out  
  
one of the Viscera zombies. Scarlet tried to jump Aeris who turned into a black skeleton with a Bolt3. Heidegger tried to run away but  
  
was caught by Mankind who stuffed Mr. Socko down his throat and pulled out all his vital organs. Hojo looked back as he was running  
  
and ran right into the Undertaker who choke slammed him through a black jack table. Undertaker then grabbed Hojo and stuffed his  
  
head into a slot machine and pulled the lever causing the slot machine as well as Hojo's head to explode.  
  
"Alice Cooper obviously didn't like you much if he stuck you with this crap." Smiled Cloud slowly making his way over to Rufus. Rufus  
  
who saw that the rabid Lassie and most of the Viscera zombies where gone turned frantic and turned to the Big Bossman.  
  
"Kill him!" Bossman nodded and twirled his nightstick back and forth and swung as Cloud hitting him in the head then hitting him again  
  
in the stomach and again in the throat. Bossman spun his nightstick around again and prepared to go for the kill but Cloud knocked  
  
him back and sliced his right hand off taking the nightstick off with it. Bossman looked at Cloud then, back at Rufus and shook his  
  
head.  
  
"Shit man, you're on your own." With that Big Bossman ran away clutching the bloody stump on his arm. Rufus pulled out his shotgun  
  
but Cloud knocked it away. Rufus now tried to run as well but Cloud grabbed him, spun him around, and finished him off with the  
  
Climhazzard. Cloud took a deep breath and turned around to see that the others had finished off the rest of the Viscera zombies.  
  
"What do we do now?" sighed Cloud sitting down.  
  
Before anyone could answer, the sound of a slot machine could be heard. Everyone looked over to the slot machines to see Cid playing  
  
the slots.  
  
"Yeeha! Triple lemons baby!"  
  
"Hey a huge door, this could mean something." Thought Gabe feeling uneasy all of a sudden he pulled the ninja sword out and slowly  
  
opened the huge door and walked in.  
  
"Glad you could make it." Gabe stopped dead in his tracks as Alice Cooper sat on a throne with Courtney Love next to him barely  
  
standing. There was also a huge wall of TV monitors each for a different area of the tower.  
  
Gabe said nothing only raising his sword and slowly walking to Alice. Alice chuckled and raised a hand. "Now, Now you wouldn't want to  
  
upset our guest would you?"  
  
Alice cackled, as above him hanging by her arms was Tifa unconscious. "You son of a bitch! Let her go right now!"  
  
Alice stood up floating a few feet above the ground and walked over to Gabe dropping down in front of him. "You're going to have to  
  
make me." Gabe nodded and swung his sword which Alice Cooper caught with his left hand and threw Gabe into a wall. Gabe quickly got  
  
to his feet and charged Alice Cooper threw his head back laughing before blasting Gabe back with an unknown force. "You're going to  
  
have to do better than that if you hope to even touch me." Taunted Alice levitating a couple feet above the ground and charged at  
  
Gabe. Gabe ducked the oncoming punch and was able to bring the ninja sword across Alice Coopers chest. Alice Cooper looked down at  
  
the blood and glared. "Lucky shot, too bad it's going to the last!" With that Alice created a black fireball and threw it at Gabe who tried  
  
to duck it only for it to split up into several little fireballs. Gabe was still able to avoid and come back to kick Alice Cooper in the throat  
  
then punch him in the face and slash his arm with the sword.  
  
Alice Cooper knocked Gabe back and whipped out the nightstick and fired a blast of electricity which nailed Gabe and sent him crashing  
  
into a wall. As he was getting to his feet Alice appeared behind him kneeing him in the face then slamming his head into the hard  
  
metal wall several times then throwing him over to the other side of the room next to the throne. As Gabe tried to get up again  
  
Courtney broke a wine bottle over his head and kicked him in the back several times. Alice smirked and slowly walked over to Gabe and  
  
aimed his nightstick at his head. "Time to-" Alice's words were cut off as a huge portion of the wall exploded snapping the rope Tifa had  
  
been hanging by and sending her crashing to the ground. When the dust cleared Gabe was hanging over the edge looking down and  
  
not seeing a ground. Alice saw that a helicopter had created the explosion and upon closer examination realized it was Dogbert. Alice  
  
said nothing and fired off a huge ball of energy from his nightstick which hit the helicopter and destroyed it.  
  
"Dilbert's a shitty comic anyway." Spat Alice looking down at Gabe who was hanging by one arm. "Now I'm going to finish you off for  
  
good and then pick off the rest of your friends!" just as Alice Cooper was about to do so Dogbert once again appeared this time wearing  
  
a jet pack and holding a fire extinguisher.  
  
Before Alice could react Dogbert nailed him with the fire extinguisher blinding him and allowing Gabe to grab his leg and pull him off and  
  
sending plummeting to the depths below. A moment later Courtney Love dove off screaming, "Don't worry Alice I'm coming!"  
  
Gabe pulled himself up and looked at Dogbert. "Um. thanks Dogbert."  
  
"Sure thing Gabe, I'm going now. This building will began to disappear and you and your friends will end up where the building used to  
  
be." Gabe nodded and Dogbert spun round and flew off. Gabe turned around and ran over to Tifa helping her up as she began to  
  
regain consciousness.  
  
"Gabe." She managed to whisper.  
  
Gabe put held her up and put a finger to her lips. "Don't say a word save your strength."  
  
Tifa said nothing only looking into Gabes eyes and smiling. Gabe stared back at her unsure of what to do next and yet he slowly found  
  
his face growing closer and closer to Tifas. Then just as he was about to kiss her the ground began to shake violently as everything  
  
began to fall around them. Gabe held Tifa and tried to run out the door but lost his balance and fell back as the ground gave way under  
  
them.  
  
"Poopy trip!" Gabe shot up and immediately lay back as his head throbbed with intense pain. He looked around and realized he was at  
  
the 7th Heaven. All of Avalanche where in the room.  
  
"Gabe you're awake!"  
  
Gabe nodded and managed to sit up. "What happened?"  
  
"After Alice Cooper was killed the building disappeared and all of us woke up to find ourselves laying in the middle of nowhere. You  
  
didn't wake up however." Explained Cloud.  
  
"So Alice Cooper's dead?"  
  
Cloud nodded, "It would appear that way."  
  
Gabe didn't say a word and lay his head back down and fell asleep.  
  
"Gabe?"  
  
Gabe slowly opened his eyes again and realized it was much later in the night and sitting next to him was Tifa.  
  
"Hey Tifa, what's up?"  
  
"I just wanted to say thanks for saving me. I don't remember much after Alice Cooper knocked me out but I remember you saved me."  
  
Gabe felt a twinge of sadness at Tifa's remark but forced a smile. "Of course Tifa, anytime."  
  
Tifa sat next to Gabe in silence for several moments before getting up and quietly walking back up to the bar. "I shouldn't have lied  
  
like that." She thought. "I should have told him that I do remember that we almost kissed. But I still have to try and get Cloud away  
  
from that bitch Aeris!" Tifa sighed and rested her head on the counter looking out the window and into the night sky. 


	8. 1.07-King of celebrity nobodies

An FF7 fan fic-The King of Celebrity Nobodies  
  
Written By Gabe Ricard  
  
  
  
I promise this latest installment will have none of the following  
  
1) Alice Cooper, Courtney Love and, Rob Zombie  
  
2) Poorly written romance stuff between the author and a video game character  
  
Just a quick note before the fic begins the ff7 fan fic Deathmatch reached 200 hits yesterday which I'm really proud of. Enough of this  
  
boring introduction, on with the fic!  
  
  
  
  
  
"Why the hell do we have to go back to the Deathmatch arena?" whined Gabe, remembering when he had his ass kicked by Aeris.  
  
"They're having a Tifa/Aeris rematch and we all get VIP backstage passes," replied Cloud walking onto the airship along with everyone  
  
else.  
  
"Gabe, I'm really, really sorry about that," apologized Aeris.  
  
"The hell you are flower slut!" yelled Tifa, walking past Aeris.  
  
"Fuck you! You two cent, street corner, whore!"  
  
"I hope they break each others jaws," said Cait Sith jumping over to his spot on the Airship Bridge.  
  
"You an me both," agreed Barret popping two aspirins into his mouth.  
  
At the Deathmatch arena  
  
"You want all of us to fight again?" asked Cloud standing with the other members of Avalanche in Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez's  
  
office.  
  
"We need some last minute additions to the Tifa/Aeris match," replied Nick Diamond handing everyone a sheet of their matches.  
  
"What the hell is the KOCN title?" asked Gabe looking at his sheet.  
  
"The King of Celebrity Nobodies championship it's a title for washed up celebrities, one hit wonders and child stars."  
  
"I'm not a celebrity."  
  
"You where a guest interviewer on Celebrity Deathmatch," Replied Johnny Games.  
  
"But what about the other members of Avalanche?"  
  
""We still feel they are useful to society."  
  
"Oh." Said Gabe, not sure if that was a compliment or not.  
  
"You all can head to the locker room and get ready for your matches." Avalanche turned and walked out most of them looking annoyed  
  
for having to fight.  
  
Celebrity Deathmatch  
  
Johnny: Once again the heroes of the hit video game FF7 come to our humble arena to do battle once again! Hi I'm Johnny Gomez  
  
along side Nick Diamond and Nick what a card we have tonight.  
  
Nick: Right you are Johnny. We've got in addition to Tifa battling Aeris in a mud pit match, we've also got Cloud Stryfe, Barret Wallace,  
  
Cid Highwind and Red XIII VS Archie Andrews, Jughead Jones, Reggie and, Hotdog.  
  
Johnny: That's not all. We've also have Cait Sith taking on Eric Cartman plus Vincent and Yuffie battle Al Gore and Joe Lieberman. In a  
  
non-FF7 match Jay and Silent Bob will single handily take on the Hanson sisters and N Sync.  
  
Nick: There's one more match I think..I can't remember who's in it though.  
  
Johnny: Neither can I, must not be very important so without anything else lets head to the ring for our first match!  
  
  
  
Cait Sith VS Eric Cartman  
  
"Okay you fat foul mouthed little bastard I'm gonna claw your eyes out!"  
  
"Fuck you cat! I will make you respect my authoritah!!" Cartman clad in his cop outfit waddled over to Cait Sith and swung his nightstick  
  
at him but Cait Sith jumped over him and landed on his back, clawing at his neck until Cartman threw him off and, batted him into a  
  
corner with the nightstick. "Kick ass," grinned Cartman spinning his nightstick around and blasting Cait Sith again, knocking the crown  
  
off his head.  
  
"You knocked off my crown," whispered Cait Sith.  
  
"You stupid cat!" taunted Cartman. "I've won this already." He decided, pulling out a bag of Cheezy Poofs.  
  
"You knocked off my crown," repeated Cait Sith.  
  
"Cheezy Poofs kick ass," said Cartman ignoring Cait Sith.  
  
"YOU KNOCKED OFF MY FUCKING CROWN YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT. PREPARE TO DIE!" Before Cartman could even turn around, Cait Sith  
  
jumped up and dug his claws into Cartman's eyes, tearing them out.  
  
"Owwww my eyes! My goddamned eyes! You fucking cat I'll kill you!" Cartman pulled his nightstick out and, swung in the complete  
  
opposite direction of where Cait Sith. At that moment Cartman stopped, clutched his chest, and dropped dead.  
  
  
  
  
  
Nick: Johnny, what the hell happened?!  
  
Johnny: I don't know Nick. Mills Lane is looking at Cartman and will be able to give us something in a few minutes. It's obvious though,  
  
that Cait Sith is the winner!  
  
Nick: Indeed it is Johnny! Though I'm not sure just what happened. Lets go to the locker room where our guest interviewer Krista Parks  
  
is with Jay and Silent Bob.  
  
Krista: Jay and Silent Bob, you get a chance tonight to rid the world of some of the most hated bands in music history. Do you have a  
  
strategy?  
  
Jay: Yep, I'm gonna be like BOOM, POW, SLICITY SLICE!!!! Then once me and Lunchbox finish layin the smack down we're gonna go  
  
smoke a bowl, snoogins.  
  
Silent Bob:......  
  
Jay: You tell em Silent Bob!  
  
Nick: That's our next match and N Sync along with the Hanson sisters are in the ring awaiting the match.  
  
Jay and Silent Bob VS N Sync and Hanson  
  
"Holy shit Silent Bob! Where did you get that?" asked Jay referring to the Light saber Silent Bob had pulled out of his trench coat. Silent  
  
Bob shrugged and charged at Hanson and sliced one of them in half, then ducked a kick from another and sliced her head off. However  
  
before Silent Bob could take out the third, the surviving Hanson sister knocked the Light Saber out of his hand and, knocked him to the  
  
ground.  
  
"I'm gonna fry your fat ass!" sneered the Hanson sister, pulling out a flame-thrower and aiming it at Silent Bob's head. Before she  
  
could pull the lever on the flame-thrower, Jay jumped down, grabbed the flame-thrower, and, stuffed it down her throat. Just as the  
  
other Hanson sister exploded N Sync who had been hiding in the corner jumped Jay and Silent Bob.  
  
"Hold that little stonner!" ordered one of them. Another nodded and held Jay while the other wound back with a brick and went to nail  
  
Jay but, he ducked and the brick shattered the face of the one holding Jay.  
  
"Nooooo my face! My beautiful face!" Jay grinned and clenched his fists, extracting Wolverine claws which he used to turn the two N Sync  
  
members into little slabs of flesh.  
  
"Snootch to the mother fucking nootch!" cried Jay jumping on top of another and driving his fists into each side of his head.  
  
"No don't kill them all please!" pleaded a voice. Jay and Silent Bob had pulled out uzis and where about to finish the other two off when,  
  
Brittany Spears ran into the ring. "Please, if you kill them I'll have no one else to gang ba- I mean hang out with!" Silent Bob looked at  
  
Jay and shrugged, pulling the trigger and riddling their bodies with bullets.  
  
Silent Bob and Jay then pointed their guns at Brittany Spears and where about to fire. "No please don't kill me. I promise I'll make it  
  
worth your while!" with that she slowly removed her top revealing her silicone breasts.  
  
"Sorry baby," sighed Jay. "But even I got standards." Jay nodded towards Silent Bob and they opened fire avoiding the breasts for fear  
  
the bullets would bounce off.  
  
Nick: What a blood bath Johnny! The fans got two for the price of one here!  
  
Johnny: What surprises me Nick is that Jay turned down his first chance to be with a woman in years!  
  
Nick: Jay probably didn't have the thirty cents to pay Brittany Spears night fee."  
  
Johnny: Even if he did, do you really think he would want to waste the money? In any event we'll be right back after these messages  
  
when we'll bring you Yuffie and Vincent against Al Gore and Joe Lieberman.  
  
"Still looking for Eric?" asked Gabe meeting Krista in the hallway.  
  
"Hey Gabe, yea Hawaii wasn't very successful. I heard he was going to be here tonight so I got a job as the guest interviewer."  
  
Gabe nodded. "That's good."  
  
"I was wondering," asked Krista. "What happened to Cartman in his fight with Cait Sith?"  
  
"Heart attack due to stress," grinned Gabe.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Johnny: And we're back! Without anything else we're going to get right into our next match as Yuffie and her boyfrien-  
  
Nick: Yuffie has a boyfriend?  
  
Johnny: Yes.  
  
Nick: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  
  
Johnny: um.okay. I think we better just go to the ring.  
  
Nick: (Head in arms, sobbing, pounding the table) Yuffie.my beautiful Yuffie..how I want you.  
  
Vincent and Yuffie VS Al Gore and Joe Lieberman  
  
"After we win this battle, I promise to shut down this evil, perverted, obscene arena in order to save others from viewing this disgusting  
  
display of sex and violence." Sneered Joe Lieberman.  
  
"I agree. This looks like something people enjoy so we MUST shut it down!" replied Al Gore.  
  
"Okay then, lets get the-AHHHHH" Joe Lieberman let of a brief cry of pain as a bullet wizzed through the air and shattered his skull.  
  
"Joe?" Al Gore turned around and lost his head, thanks to Yuffie's shuriken.  
  
"We won Vinny!" cried Yuffie jumping into Vincent's arms and making out with him untill they where carried away.  
  
  
  
  
  
Johnny: A short but sweet match that I think everyone enjoyed right Nick?  
  
Nick: (writing on a piece of paper) Yuffie, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways  
  
Johnny: I aplogize for this fans I had no idea Nick had an obsession with a girl thirty-two years younger then him. We've got our next  
  
match in the ring right now.  
  
Cloud Stryfe, Barret Wallace, Cid Highwind and Red XIII VS Archie Andrews, Jughead Jones, Reggie and, Hotdog.  
  
"Ahhhhh!!! Please don't kill me!!!" cried Archie, ducking Cloud's sword and ducking in the corner.  
  
"Stop bitching and die!" replied Cloud swinging and missing again.  
  
"Mmmmmm I could go for a hamburger," mumbled J ughe walking towards Barret.  
  
"I aint no damn hamburger foo!" exclaimed Barret crying out in agony as Jughead bit his arm. Clutching his arm Barret kicked Jughead  
  
back and blew him into a million pieces.  
  
"Die motherfucker!" cried Reggie leaping into the air and catching Barret with a left then whipping him into Cid.  
  
  
  
"Hey! What are you trying to do to me?" asked Red XIII being cornered by Hotdog. "Hey! Wait I don't do that with other male dogs!  
  
Ahhhhhhh!!!"  
  
"Oh..god.." Cloud dropped his sword and stared in horror watching Hotdog "attack" Red XIII. As he was watching, Archie hit him in the  
  
back of his head and yanked his ultimate weapon away from him.  
  
"At last! The world will stop mocking Archie Andrews!" with that he raised the sword and charged at Cloud. Just as he was about to bring  
  
the sword upon Cloud, he lost his balance and fell forward driving the sword into his throat Cloud quickly jumped up, grabbed the sword  
  
and Omnislashed Reggie.  
  
"Who's your daddy?" taunted Hotdog, still "attacking" Red XIII. Finally after five or so minutes of laughter Cid speared Hotdog into the  
  
wall.  
  
"Took you all long enough," mumbled Red XIII limping away.  
  
  
  
  
  
Johnny: Between this match and my colleagues obsession with one of RPG's most annoying characters this has been the most  
  
disturbing night in recent Deathmatch history.  
  
Nick: 35,125.35,126.35,127  
  
Johnny: It's been a brutal night thus far and our main event promises to top them all. A rematch between Aeris and Tifa but this time  
  
in...MUD WRESTLING!  
  
Nick: 35,133.35,134  
  
Tifa Lockheart VS Aeris Gainsborough  
  
"This is it, turbo-slut! You got lucky the first time but this time I'm going to beat you down!" said Aeris wearing a red two piece bikini.  
  
"Luck had nothing to do with kicking YOUR ass!" Tifa clad in a similar blue bikini jumped across the ring and speared Aeris into the  
  
mud. Smiling Tifa reached over and grabbed some mud but as she did Aeris smashed her in the face with some mud.  
  
"How do you like the taste of mud bitch?" taunted Aeris, punching Aeris in the face and rubbing mud into her now bruised face and hair.  
  
"You'll have to try it for yourself!" spat Tifa, flipping Aeris over into the mud then grabbing he head and smashing her face into the  
  
mud. Just as Tifa was about to go for the kill, she felt someone grab the back of her head and throw her into the corner. "Who the fuck  
  
did that?" demanded Tifa wiping the mud out of her eyes to see Betty and Veronica.  
  
"What the hell do you two bimbos want?" asked Aeris pulling herself up.  
  
"Your ass hole boyfriend killed our Archie so now we're going to kill the both of you!" replied Veronica kicking Aeris in the stomach while  
  
Betty jumped up and drove an elbow into Tifa's back.  
  
"Are you going to let these two do this?" asked Tifa, getting up and being clotheslined.  
  
Mills Lane shrugged, "I'll allow it." Before Tifa and Aeris could protest, both Betty and Veronica attacked them, smashed their heads  
  
together, and threw them to the other side of the ring.  
  
"I hate to admit this, but I don't think we can beat them on our own."  
  
Tifa grumbled and nodded, "You're ri.ri." without even finishing the sentence, Tifa jumped in the air and uppercut Betty then grabbed  
  
her arm and whipped her towards Aeris who cast Bolt3 then Ice3. When she was finished, Betty looked like a crispy ice cube.  
  
"Beat Rush!!" cried Tifa, her fist glowing with power, pummeling Betty the crispy ice cub while Aeris kept Veronica at bay.  
  
"I didn't need that fucking ditz anyway!" stammered Veronica who was now cornered by Tifa and Aeris.  
  
"Oh yea?" asked Tifa sarcastically.  
  
Veronica looked around, hoping that out of nowhere someone would come and save her but knew that wasn't going to happen. Taking a  
  
deep breath, Veronica ran at Tifa but stopped dead in her tracks as she felt Aeris's Princess Guard being violently driven into her  
  
stomach then her head. Veronica stumbled back but before she could regain her composure, Tifa jumped in the air kicking her in the  
  
face then driving her knee into Veronica's throat.  
  
"All yours Aeris!" said Tifa winding back and throwing Veronica to Aeris who smiled and cast Knights of The Round then sat back and  
  
enjoyed the brief but still entertaining show.  
  
"You know Aeris, I think this could be the start of something really great." Smiled Tifa standing in the ring with Aeris.  
  
"Oh I agree," replied Aeris. "What's that in the rafters?"  
  
Tifa looked up, "I don't see anything." Aeris grinned and wound back, punching Tifa in the stomach causing her to falls face first into  
  
the mud. Aeris said nothing only walking on top of Tifa, pushing her face back into the mud and walking out of the ring.  
  
"How is she?" asked Cloud a couple hours later at the bar.  
  
"No idea," replied Gabe. "Tifa hasn't left her room in since we got back. Good match by the way."  
  
"Thanks by the way, what happened to your match?"  
  
"It was held behind the arena. I killed some guy named Tony Danza and won that KOCN title. We paid the janitor to referee."  
  
"Oh," replied Cloud. "Cid, Barret, Cait and me are going to go check out that new strip club at Costa De Sol, you coming?"  
  
"Damn right." Said Gabe grabbing his belt off the table and walking out with Cloud.  
  
Later That Night  
  
"So what did you and the guys do?" asked Aeris laying in bed with Cloud.  
  
"Um.nothing.poor children.we uh.helped..poor children."  
  
"Nice try, What did you really do?"  
  
"Went to a strip club," sighed Cloud. "Please don't kill me."  
  
"I wont. I'm not upset."  
  
"You're not?"  
  
"Nope." Cloud looked into Aeris's eyes and at that moment realized what he had to do. He sighed and got off the bed and got on one  
  
knee. "Aeris?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
:"Will you marry me?"  
  
At that moment Aeris's heart leapt into her throat and she couldn't speak. Somehow she was able to nod and jumped into a deep  
  
embrace with Cloud that she hoped would never end.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJ  
  
0000000000000000000000000000" Tifa slowly looked around the room then wiped some of the sweat off her forehead. "What a  
  
horrible nightmare." She thought laying back down. "That's all it was..just a horrible dream."  
  
End. 


	9. 1.08-One wedding, A stripper, And some n...

Final Fantasy 7-#8  
  
One Wedding, a stripper, and some needless bloodshed  
  
Written By Gabe Ricard  
  
  
  
  
  
Here is the latest addition in the FF7 series which to date is my favorite fan fic I've written yet. A couple of quick pointless notes here.  
  
The first note is a very egotistical plug to go read Krista Peters two stories one a well written romance story and the second a Crow fan fic  
  
that is still being worked on but is available to read at this point. The final note is that I have been thinking for a long time and am  
  
thinking about quitting fan fiction for a number of reasons. One being that I have accomplished everything I wanted to do when I  
  
started writing fan fics. I've been published on RPGamer.com, The FF7 series which I always wanted to publish has had some minor  
  
success that is still well beyond my expectations such as a combined 800 hits and around 30 or so positive reviews. Any suggestions on  
  
whether or not you'd like to see more of my FF7 stuff as well as some other fan fics published would be welcomed at  
  
darksideblues_666@hotmail.com. Thanks for reading and enjoy.  
  
"Holy shit!" exclaimed Cid. "You're getting married?!"  
  
"Yep," replied Cloud grinning with an arm around Aeris.  
  
"This.isn't.f..a.i..r." whimpered Tifa for the 75th time her face buried in her arms.  
  
"Ha ha! Aeris beat you! Aeris beat you! You must feel REALLY shitty right now!" taunted Yuffie pointing a finger at Tifa.  
  
Tifa stood straight up, clutched Yuffie by the throat, and turned to everyone. "I'll be right back." With that she changed her grip on  
  
Yuffie to her hair and dragged her the room next to the arcade machine.  
  
"Boy that can't feel good." Commented Cait Sith hearing the sound of a blunt heavy object smashing against human flesh.  
  
"So when's the wedding?" asked Red XIII after devoting a minute to chuckling.  
  
"A week from today," replied Cloud the stupid grin still on his face.  
  
At that moment Barret sat up and placed 500 gil on the table.  
  
"What's that for?" asked Cloud.  
  
"I had my money on Tifa."  
  
At that moment Cid and Cait Sith all placed similar amounts of gil on the table and returned to their spots still grumbling.  
  
"I had my money on Aeris," grinned Gabe grabbing the money off the table and giving portions of it to everyone who had bet on Aeris.  
  
"Of course you did god dammit you're the fucking author!" cried Cid.  
  
"Damn right."  
  
Aeris giggled and turned to Cloud, "Cloud we have some errands to run. We should get going."  
  
"Good idea honey," replied Cloud kissing Aeris on the forehead the getting up and walking out of the bar with her.  
  
"I have some shopping to do as well," said Shera standing up "Barret, as you requested I'll take Marlene along to buy her some  
  
clothes." Also, Tifa and Yuffie are supposed to come with me so when their done tell them I left already."  
  
"Don't bother we're ready to go," said Tifa emerging from the room and following Shera out with a bruised and bloody Yuffie in tow.  
  
"Okay," said Cid standing up and jumping on top of the table. "Now that the women folk are gone we can get down to talking about the  
  
most important aspect of any given wedding."  
  
"And that would be?" asked Vincent.  
  
"THE BACHELOR PAAAAAAAAARTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY." Cried Cid throwing his arms up in he air.  
  
"Thank you and I'm sure the people at Icicle Inn where glad to know about it," said Vincent who was sitting right next to where Cid was  
  
standing.  
  
"Heyyyy..yea..that's a pretty damn good idea," exclaimed Barret rubbing his chin while everyone else slowly nodded in agreement.  
  
"Good! Let's head to my house so we can start planning!"  
  
"Ok." Agreed Gabe. "But only if we don't have to hear that stupid fucking talking bass on your wall. I swear to god if I have to hear  
  
Pretty Fishy ONE more damn time.."  
  
  
  
Elsewhere  
  
"A bachelorette party.that is a good idea," remarked Yuffie still limping.  
  
"I know," said Shera smiling, "Tifa what do you think?" Tifa replied by looking up and shooting Shera one of the most evil glares in  
  
recorded history. "Oh.yea..sorry." Shera sighed and walked a little ways ahead.  
  
Even farther elsewhere  
  
"Master, we're in trouble," sighed Steve Allen.  
  
"Don't you think I know that?" snapped a reply from the shadows. "With Al Gore and Joe Lieberman dead, we have no one to put in  
  
office that we can use to control everything people might like."  
  
"So, what are we going to do?" asked Steve Allen.  
  
"We're going to find the two responsible for this and make them pay!" the voice emerged from the shadows to reveal the hideous face  
  
of L. Brent. Brozell. "Did you find out their names and where they live?"  
  
"Their names are Yuffie Kisaragi and Vincent Valentine and they live in the city of Midgar."  
  
"Good, assemble our army of evil and we will pay them a visit and then you and myself will take Al and Joe's place in the presidential  
  
election so that we MAY RULE THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY!" As he said this his eyes popped out and he let out a long, annoying  
  
laugh which Steve Allen joined in a moment later.  
  
And over at Cid's house.  
  
"I was wondering," said Gabe as everyone sat around Cids living room planning the bachelor party.  
  
"No we don't think your gay anymore. That was just the first time we all met you," said Cid looking over ideas on the white board they  
  
where using for ideas.  
  
"I was wondering..don't you think we should be helping Cid with more important aspects of the wedding?" he asked ignoring Cid.  
  
Everyone responded by turning around looking at Gabe as if he was on something. "Okay.okay stupid question Jesus."  
  
"All right," continued Cid, "We've got a list of everyone that'll be there. What else?"  
  
"The stripper," piped Cait Sith.  
  
"Figured you'd remember that," remarked Gabe. "Who should we get to be Cloud's stripper?"  
  
"I know who."  
  
"Who did you have in mind Barret?"  
  
Barret grinned, "I bet Tifa would do it?"  
  
"There's no fucking way!" replied Cid.  
  
"He's got a point," said Red XIII. "Tifa would love the chance to hold something like that over Aeris's head even if she could never tell  
  
her about it."  
  
"See? Even Cat-Dog agrees with me."  
  
"Fine! We'll put Tifa on the list for stripper. Who will ask her?"  
  
"I will," said Gabe quickly  
  
"Good, and if we can get Tifa down as the stripper then we can hold it at the bar and wont have to worry about a steady supply of  
  
alcohol, chips. Pretzels and music."  
  
"We better head back to the bar before the girls get back and suspect something."  
  
Cid nodded and lit another cigarette as Avalanche and Gabe walked out of Cids house to make a quick return to Midgar.  
  
Next Day  
  
"I have a feeling this is going to be incredibly painful," said Cloud.  
  
"You and me both," agreed Barret sitting with Cloud, Aeris, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Vincent, and Yuffie.  
  
"Which band is next?" asked Aeris.  
  
"Um..The.shit..The Archies," groaned Cloud looking at a sheet of paper.  
  
"I thought they where dead," said Vincent.  
  
"Apparently not," replied Red XIII as the Archies walked in and began playing. A moment later the stage shot over 250,000 volts  
  
throughout the stage killing everyone on it.  
  
"What the hell was that?!" cried Cloud.  
  
"This thing Cid put on the stage to kill any band that sucks."  
  
"Wow. Cid makes something that isn't a piece of shit. Will wonders ever cease?"  
  
"With this thing we should be able to pick a kick ass band in no time at all!"  
  
Four hours later  
  
"Ewww Daddy one of the eyes fell onto my lap," whined Marlene.  
  
"God I never thought I'd be disgusted to watch KISS die." Said Cait Sith.  
  
"We should really clean up these bodies. It's starting to make Cid's house smell."  
  
"No worse then usual," replied Vincent.  
  
"We've got one band left, lets go." Everyone quieted down as Bonnie Rait walked onto the stage.  
  
"This will be quick," mumbled Cloud. A moment later Bonnie Rait was singing and to the surprise of many she was not electrocuted.  
  
"Why isn't Bonnie Rait dead yet?"  
  
"I just thought of something, does this thing kill bands that suck are bands that Cid thinks suck?"  
  
"So this means that Cid is a Bonnie Rait fan," concluded Barret trying with inhuman strength not to laugh. A moment later the stage  
  
became a huge ball of electricity killing Bonnie Rait. When she hit the ground Cloud went back to his seat and put the Bolt 3 Materia  
  
away.  
  
"Now what are we gonna do?" asked Yuffie.  
  
"Don't worry about entertainment, I can get my great uncle to come and do his stand up comedy. We can just get one of those music  
  
machines that play wedding themes," said Aeris  
  
"You have a uncle?!" asked Cloud in shock  
  
"Yes. On moms side of the family."  
  
"Ahhhhhh!!! What the fuck did you do to my house!?!" cried Cid walking in  
  
"YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?!?!?!" cried Tifa standing behind the counter at the 7th Heaven.  
  
"Be Cloud's stripper at his bachelor party," repeated Gabe.  
  
"THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST HUMILIATING, DEGRADING AND PERVERSE THINGS YOU COULD EVER ASK A FRIEND!! I JUST CAN'T FUCKING  
  
BELIEVE THE NERVE OF YOU MEN!!!!!"  
  
"So will you do it?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Gabe stomped his foot, "Aw..come on Tifa! Don't be such a-what?"  
  
"I said I'll do it. This could be my one last chance to get a shot in at Aeris before she.." Tifa stopped to choke on the words, "Marries  
  
Cloud. What time is the party?"  
  
"Tomorrow at eight."  
  
"And I suppose you'll be using this as an excuse to use the bar."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Fine. I'll be there."  
  
"Good. At some point before tomorrow Cid will let you know the plans for what we're going to do."  
  
"Where are they now?"  
  
"I have no idea where Cid is but everyone else is interviewing bands for the wedding." Tifa nodded and turned to her right as a  
  
customer came to the counter. Gabe watched how truly sad Tifa was and at the moment, wanted to leap over the counter, embrace her  
  
and tell her everything would be all right. However bad results with similar experiences caused Gabe to turn and walk out of the bar.  
  
Next Day  
  
"Ha ha! I kick ass!" Cid cackled in triumph throwing his hands in the air.  
  
"You used the fucking Game Shark didn't you?!?! You cheating son of a bitch!!'  
  
Cid lit a cigarette and snickered at Cait Sith. "I can't help it if you suck." Before Cait Sith could continue his profanity laced tirade Cloud  
  
came down on the elevator. "Come on guys we gotta go get tuxes."  
  
"So I guess that gets rid of your nude wedding fantasy," replied Cid.  
  
Clouds eyes widened, "SHUT UP CID. OR ILL TELL SHERA WHY HER PHONE BILL IS SO HIGH" whispered Cloud elbowing Cid in the  
  
stomach while he walked towards the elevator.  
  
"Thanks for looking for wedding dresses for me," smiled Aeris looking through a seemingly endless array of dresses of every type.  
  
"No problem," replied Shera. "I'm just happy to have more than three lines in this fan fic." Shera picked up a dress and showed it to  
  
Aeris, "How about this one?"  
  
Aeris examined it for a moment then shook her head, "nah."  
  
"How about this one?" asked Tifa holding up an incredibly short dress "It's perfect for you."  
  
"It looks like something a three cent slut would wear," replied Aeris.  
  
"Like I said, it's perfect for you." Aeris glared and stormed ahead.  
  
Shera turned to Tifa, "Even I'll admit she walked into that one." Tifa smiled sinisterly as Shera caught up with Aeris.  
  
"This dress looks perfect," she thought picking out a dress and thinking about how much she would get back at Aeris later tonight.  
  
"This is going more perfect by the minute."  
  
"Yea..Shera throwing a bachelorette at your house makes things pretty sweet." Agreed Gabe walking through the tuxedo store with  
  
everyone except Cloud who was being fitted.  
  
"So what's the plan?" asked Vincent.  
  
"Gabe and Barret will distract Cloud by taking him to a movie and we'll set up here. Simple as that," replied Cid.  
  
"And Tifa?"  
  
"The old girl-in-the-fake cake trick will work just fine."  
  
Cait Sith shook his head; "It's almost frightening how much though you have put into this."  
  
"You got a problem with it?"  
  
"Nope I'm seeing Tifa naked so I'm happy."  
  
"What about seeing Tifa naked?" asked a confused Cloud returning with a tux  
  
Cids eyes widened, "Cloud! Ummm..Caits just gonna try and set up a web cam in Tifa's shower again that's all."  
  
"Oh..hey send me a copy if you get through."  
  
"But you're getting married in a few days!!" cried everyone.  
  
Cloud shrugged, "Yea, but I regret never seeing Tifa naked.. should have nailed her when I had the chance.oh well. You guys ready?"  
  
"Sure," replied Gabe. "Hey Cloud.didn't you want to see Whipped really badly?"  
  
"Yea."  
  
"Barret and I are gonna go catch it right now you want in?"  
  
"Sure," Cloud nodded and walked out with Gabe and Barret.  
  
Cid turned to the others who where still stunned at what Cloud had said, "Like I said.all too perfect."  
  
That Night  
  
"I'm telling you, I know I saw Amanda Peet in a porn once!"  
  
"I highly doubt it Barret," replied Cloud rolling his eyes.  
  
"She could be in porn," mused Gabe walking up the steps to the bar with Cloud and Barret.  
  
"No question there," agreed Cloud pushing the door open and nearly falling over at what he saw.  
  
"SURPRISE!!!"  
  
Cloud looked around and saw Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Kid Rock, Rob Zombie, The Undertaker, Fei, Citan, Rico, Bart and, Billy as well  
  
as Bruce Willis, Trent Reznor, ICP and Jay and Silent Bob.  
  
"Wha..wha .what the hell is this?!"  
  
"Your bachelor party!" grinned Gabe helping him up.  
  
"One last night of freedom foo!" agreed Barret patting him on the back and handing him a a beer.  
  
Meanwhile..  
  
"Everything is ready master, we can leave in four hours," said Steve Allen.  
  
"Excellent," replied L.Brent.Brozell. "Soon everyone will know the might of the PTC!"  
  
  
  
  
  
"This is great!" said Cloud nearly three hours later, slamming down his 8th beer.  
  
"WHOOOO I'M HARDCORE!! I'M HARDCORE!!!" Everyone looked up to see Gabe who had just had his 15th beer and wearing his KOCN  
  
belt, jump off the counter and crashing through a table.  
  
"No more beer for him," said Stone Cold looking over Gabe.  
  
Cid shook his head and turned to Cloud, "The night ain't over yet cause we got a biiiiiiiiiiigggggggg surprise for you!" At that moment a  
  
huge cake was slowly wheeled into the room. After three rounds of a horribly sung, liquor-laden version of he's a jolly good fellow; the  
  
cake burst open to reveal Tifa.  
  
Tifa grinned, "Hey Cloud!" Cloud said nothing only falling into a chair his eyes and mouth wide open. "This is a little something to  
  
remember me by!" At that moment Tifa began slowly dancing and loosening her top when she slowly raised her shirt up to reveal her  
  
luscious, perfect shaped-  
  
"Wow! Wait till Aeris hears about this!" thought Yuffie wildly. "It's amazing what you discover when you come back just to pick up some  
  
liquor. Yuffie giggled wildly as she jumped back on the gold choccobo and sped off back to Rocket Town.  
  
Rocket Town: Twenty minutes later  
  
"She what?!" screamed Aeris standing with Elly, Emerelda, Maria, Chu and others.  
  
"This isn't good," remarked Elly.  
  
Aeris turned to Shera her eyes wild, "Does Cid have that new smaller airship in the back yard?"  
  
"I think so.can we come and watch you kick Tifa's ass?" Aeris didn't reply and stormed out with everyone in tow.  
  
"Damn, I'm getting tired," thought Tifa who was still dancing. A moment later the door burst open and everyone turned around to see  
  
Aeris and the other ladies.  
  
"Ahhhhh the women folk!! Run!!" everyone began running in different directions then stopped as Aeris oblivious to all of them leaped  
  
up and speared Tifa to the ground and began pounding her in the face with lefts and rights. Tifa was able to get her bearings together  
  
and swung a left cracking Aeris's jaw. Tifa grabbed Aeris by the hair and threw her outside and leaped after her while everyone else  
  
stumbled outside to watch.  
  
"This shit rocks yo!" grinned Jay to Silent Bob slamming back the last of the vodka and passing out. Silent Bob looked down at Jay then  
  
returned to watching the battle.  
  
"That's enough!" roared a voice. Tifa and Aeris stopped trading punches for a moment and looked up to see a tank with the words PTC  
  
on the side roll right next to the bar. Before anyone could say a word the back of the tank opened and Steve Allen and L.Brent Brozell  
  
walked out.  
  
"Who the fuu..heh heh..f..u..c..k are you?" slurred Cloud.  
  
"We are the only reasonable voices in the madness and evilness that is the entertainment industry," replied Brozell. "We where here to  
  
take two people away but seeing how morally corrupt all of you are and knowing all you are stars in some way." He stopped and looked  
  
at Gabe who was making out with the left side of the tank, "Except him, and we can't have any of you corrupting our children and  
  
destroying the moral fibers of our country! So in order to kill all of you I will unleash my greatest weapon: An army of zombified,  
  
self-righteous Christian fundamentalists!!!!"  
  
"Aeris threw Tifa back and realized the only sober ones where Mick Foley, herself, Tifa and Shera and knew they where in trouble as  
  
Cloud fell back while trying to pull out his sword.  
  
Next Morning  
  
Gabe lifted his head up and groaned as an intense hangover hit him the moment he lifted his head up. He sat up and tried to look  
  
around but couldn't as he realized his face was caked with dry blood. He stood up and looked around and saw that the bar looked like a  
  
warzone.  
  
"Hey your awake."  
  
"Cait Sith, what happened last night?"  
  
"We managed to kill the PTC despite drunken stupor. We then partied till 5 am after Cloud was able to feed Aeris a pill that would  
  
make her forget everything that happened last night."  
  
"How can you remember all this? You drank even more alcohol then I did."  
  
"I was built with a mechanism that lets me drink as much as I want without getting intoxicated."  
  
"How I envy you. Where's everyone else?"  
  
"Errands, you and me have been put in charge of cleaning up the bar while everyone is gone."  
  
"Figures," grumbled Gabe who grabbed a broom and started sweeping.  
  
"Mails here!" called Shera later that day throwing a stack of mail on the counter while everyone clamored over to it to see if anything  
  
had come for them.  
  
Vincent handed Cid a package, "Here this came for you from the Bonnie Rait fan club." Cid replied by snatching the package away and  
  
running away as fast as possible.  
  
"Gee I wonder whose subscriptions to every porn magazine on the planet came," said Aeris. Cait Sith grinned and snatched the stack  
  
away and hopped away.  
  
"Hey Cloud, this letter came for you from..New Nibleham?!"  
  
"Really?" asked Cloud in surprise. "Let me see it." Cloud took the letter from Shera and opened it and read it for nearly a second  
  
before his jaw dropped and he handed it to Aeris.  
  
"Oh my god, you're the new mayor of New Nibleham?!"  
  
"How the hell did he do that? He didn't even run for mayor!"  
  
"Apparently they just threw a bunch of names in a hat and yours was the one they pulled out." Aeris looked back down at the letter;  
  
"There's more, Myself and anyone else I want get to live in the newly rebuilt and refurbished Shinra mansion!"  
  
"Sweet! No more sleeping on the floor!" exclaimed Gabe.  
  
"This is great! When do we move in?"  
  
"Two days after the wedding."  
  
"Nibleham is in big trouble," was all Barret could say as Cloud and Aeris went to see the priest who happened to be Bugenhagen.  
  
Wedding Day!!!  
  
"Damn do I ever look good in a tux," grinned Gabe looking himself over in the mirror.  
  
"Hey Gabe where's Cloud? We gotta go now." Gabe turned around to see Barret, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII and, Cait Sith.  
  
"In the next room, I'll go get him." Gabe took one last look at himself in the mirror and opened the door to see Cloud doing the same.  
  
"Hey Cloud, it's time. Ya nervous?"  
  
Cloud thought for a moment, "Actually no, I am quite relaxed."  
  
"Awww come on.aren't you just a little bit scared?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Are you sure I mean this is the rest of your life here!"  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"Come on.just a little b-"  
  
"NO GOD DAMN IT I'M PERFECTLY AT FUCKING EASE!!!!"  
  
"Good, lets go." Cloud glared and walked out behind Gabe.  
  
"Weddings are so..so.beautiful.wahhhhhhhhhhh"  
  
"Yuffie...Shut the hell up!" snapped Cait Sith looking around for another seat in the church where the wedding was being held but found  
  
that it was packed to capacity.  
  
"Ho ho hooooooo," laughed Bugenhaggen. "If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed let them speak now or forever  
  
hold your peace." Tifa was about to launch into a long speech but was elbowed in the stomach by Elmyra and quickly resumed her seat.  
  
"Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband..and.w..i...f..."  
  
"JUST GET ON WITH IT! Screamed Cloud and Aeris in unison.  
  
"Okay.okay..Husband and wife.ho ho hoooooooooo. You may no kiss the bride." Cloud smiled and leaned back, kissing Aeris his wife  
  
for what seemed like an eternity.  
  
  
  
"So where's your lame ass Uncle who's supposed to be our entertainment?" asked Cid to Aeris and Cloud who where now dancing at the  
  
wedding reception which was being held in the room behind the church.  
  
"He's right behind you you chain smoking, redneck asshole."  
  
"Oh my god! Your Uncle is George Carlin?!" exclaimed Cid.  
  
"Yep," smiled Aeris.  
  
"I.I'm sorry.Mr.Carlin sir..I'm a huge fan!"  
  
"Sure you are. Now get out of my way Daisy Duke I'm here to do a show for my Neices wedding." Cid attempted to reply but before he  
  
could George Carlin shoved him back and jumped up on stage."  
  
"I have no idea what I was thinking THERE," laughed Gabe referring to his idea to make George Carlin Aeris's great uncle. Shrugging it  
  
off since few read the fan fic anyway Gabe went to get himself a piece of cake and stopped as he saw Sephiroth standing at the table  
  
staring at the cake. "Sephiroth?"  
  
Sephiroth bolted around, his face and upper body covered in cake, "I've become one with the cake!!! Hahahahahahahahah.the world is  
  
mine!!!"  
  
"Forget to take our thorzine today?" asked Gabe.  
  
"I have achieved cakevanna!!! Nothing can stop me now!! Hahahahahah" Sephiroth continued his laughter as he shot straight up  
  
through the ceiling and disappeared into the evening sky.  
  
"Um..yea..." Gabe glanced over and noticed Aeris and Cloud ducking out and smiled walked over to the buffet table to eat all the  
  
lobster rolls. 


	10. 1.09-Family Insanity

Family Insanity-Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Number nine in the ff7 series.  
  
  
  
  
  
Once again here it is the latest and greatest fic in the ff7 series. The last one didn't do too hot and while most authors would take that  
  
as a sign that people have grown tired of the same shit over and over and move on I will continue to peddle my garbage mostly  
  
because no one gives a shit. Ahhhhh to be so unpopular nothing you could do could change someone's opinion of you.anyway enjoy  
  
the fic and lemme know what ya think.  
  
One more thing though I've mentioned this before a lot of credit has to be tossed towards the fic entitled Family Insanity and though I  
  
regret a great deal not remembering the author behind this hilarious fic. It served as the inspiration for the changes the series saw.  
  
Things I blatantly ripped off from this great fic include  
  
1). A few lines  
  
2). Cloud and the gang moving to New Nibelham and Cloud becoming mayor  
  
3.) The title  
  
Sorry about that but I just figured some credit was due. Thanks for bearing with me through my usual long boring and horribly  
  
redundant intro. So enjoy the fic. Go on you deserve it ya crazy bastards  
  
  
  
  
  
The moment Gabe tried to open his eyes intense pain came upon him. The mother of all hangovers. "That was one hell of a drink Tifa  
  
made at the housewarming party. I can't even open my fucking eyes" He thought groaning. He rolled over slightly and at that moment his  
  
heart froze as he felt his bar legs touch another set of bare legs. Oh.shit I slept with someone." his hand creeped over to where the  
  
body was sleeping and felt a small amount of relief as he realized the legs of whoever happened to be sleeping in the bed belonged to  
  
a woman. He still couldn't fully open his eyes but at that moment the last image of last night flashed in his mind. I was stumbling over to  
  
Tifa who was waiting for me with open arms.oh my god.I slept with Tifa.I got to make love to the woman of my dreams. At that moment he  
  
could finally feel his vision returning and decided that while she was sleeping he would do something he always wanted to do. Feel her  
  
breasts to either prove or dispel three years of debating. He took a deep breath and slowly reached over smacking his hand into her  
  
knee then reaching up and expecting to grab a handful of flesh but instead felt a small. Gabe quickly went back to his knowledge of  
  
womens breasts to figure out what was afoot. Now.these breasts are very small.they could only belong to a...teenager..but the only  
  
teenager at the party last night besides me was,"  
  
"Yuffie."  
  
At that moment Yuffie slowly raised her head off the pillow. "Wow Vinny.that was some party last night." She turned her head and  
  
opened her eyes. At that moment Gabes eyes finally opened. Both stared at each other in open-mouthed shock until they reacted in a  
  
manner that was fairly acceptable for the given situation.  
  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Shut the fuck up fore I bash yer perverse love sick heads right the fuck in!" Barret pounded his gun arm against the wall of his room  
  
and shook his head rubbing the temples of his head with his good hand. Today was Marlenes first day of school and it was now that he  
  
was starting to realize that a young impressionable girl like Marlene didn't belong in a sick, perverse "family" like this one. He cursed  
  
himself for turning down Aeris's moms advances from long ago and opened the door and stepped into the hallway trying to remember  
  
where the bathroom was. After a moment he decided it was two doors down from his room to the left and walked over to open it. Yes a  
  
nice shower would soothe his nerves as today also happened to be the day he was starting his job as a high school gym teacher. He  
  
opened the door and expected to be greeted by one of the large, comfortable bathrooms he recalled from the tour but instead was  
  
greeted by Vincent who leaped out of where his coffin happened to be and tackled Barret into the wall.  
  
"I will feast on the blood of the innocent bwahahahahahah!!"  
  
"Vincent! Get the fuck off me NOW!" roared Barret.  
  
Vincent stopped his attack cold and looked around as if awakening from a dream. "Hey this isn't 17th century Europe and you most  
  
certainly aren't a large breasted blond female virgin."  
  
"Your god damn right I'm not now get the hell off me!!!"  
  
Vincent quickly got off of Barret and apologized, "I was curious, have you seen Yuffie? I didn't find her in my room."  
  
"You sleep in a coffin," replied Barret. "That aint no room."  
  
"See for yourself," Vincent motioned towards his coffin and Barret poked his head inside to see an entire room with a large bed and  
  
various unpacked boxes stacked around. "So where is Yuffie?"  
  
Barret pointed towards Gabes room were arguing could be heard and Vincent silently thanked Barret and walked towards Gabes room.  
  
"I still can't believe you raped me!" screamed Yuffie who was still not wearing any clothes.  
  
"Come again?!" screamed Gabe who thankfully was wearing boxers. "Now that I think about it I recall an ugly flat chest thieving dirty  
  
three cent trash bag, bottom feeding Materia whore stumbling into my room and raping ME in my ultra drunken state.  
  
"That is SO much bullshit You nazi assh-" Yuffie words where cut off as Vincent swung the door open and walked in standing next to  
  
Yuffie.  
  
:"What happened?" asked Vincent.  
  
"Gabe raped me!" cried Yuffie.  
  
"Rape you?! That is so much-"  
  
BLAM!  
  
"Ahhhh Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Vincent you fucking shot me!" screamed Gabe holding his bloody leg.  
  
"BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRREAAAAAAAAKFASSSSSSSSSSSSST," came the cheery voice of Aeris.  
  
Vincent turned and walked out of the room while Yuffie slipped her clothes while sticking her tongue out at Gabe who limped down a few  
  
minutes after she left refusing to miss out on Shera's world famous chocolate pancakes bullet ridden leg be dammed.  
  
"Vincent..I think shooting Gabe in the leg before he could tell his side of the story was a tad on the-"  
  
"Completely fucking psychotic side," snapped Gabe interrupting Aeris who was healing Gabes leg.  
  
"What the hell happened last night?" asked Red XIII lifting his head up from his dog bowl.  
  
"I can explain," replied Cait Sith  
  
"Please do!" snapped Gabe who turned cheerful for a split second to thank Shera as she placed a plate of chocolate  
  
pancakes on the table in front of him.  
  
"Well as Gabe recalls he stumbled over to Tifa then mostly blacked out," Tifa blushed slightly as Yuffie Cait Sith said this. " He missed  
  
Tifa by a good thirty feet and fell in the giant punchbowl.. A little while later like twenty minutes, Gabe pretty much went to his room and  
  
passed out. Vincent and Yuffie came up a short time later but Vincent in his drunken haze fell through his casket first and shut the door  
  
locking it as he did. Yuffie who I recall was even worse then Vincent continued to walk and stumbled into Gabes room. Then, thinking it  
  
was Vincent for some odd reason tore off his clothes and had hot sweaty monkey sex with him."  
  
"How do you know all this?" asked Cloud curiously looking down from his paper and coffee.  
  
"I video taped it. It should be circulating the major hentai sites as we spea-whoops said too much."  
  
"You WHAT?!" screamed Gabe, Yuffie and Vincent in unison.  
  
"Kidding."  
  
"Oh.well that wasn't very damn funny!" Gabe mumbled under his breath and returned to his pancakes.  
  
"Heh heh heh."  
  
"Daddy can I ask you somefing?" asked Marlene as Barret packed her lunch.  
  
"What is it honey?"  
  
"What did Uncle Cloud mean when he wanted Auntie Aeris to make him her bitch? I thoughts you said a bitch was a female doggy  
  
daddy so why would Uncle Cloud want to be a female dog?"  
  
Cloud spat out the coffee that was in his mouth as Aeris rushed in and scooped up Marlene and her lunch and took her downstairs to go  
  
wait for the bus and came back a minute later.  
  
"It just aint right," sighed Barret finally sitting down to enjoy his chocholate pancakes which by now where unpleasantly cold.  
  
"Don't worry Barret," assured Aeris. "Marlene has survived the apocalypse and eight straight screenings of Mallrats she'll get through this  
  
just fine."  
  
"Jesus Christ.." Mumbled Barret.  
  
"Yes my son?"  
  
"Shut up Cid."  
  
"That's another thing," mentioned Cloud. "We need to get Cid off whatever that mad scientist next door put on him." He stood up and  
  
finished the last of his coffee. "Well I better get going being the mayor of New Nibelheim is a tough job. Gabe as one of my advisors  
  
you can finalize negotiations with the lesbian terrorist group that the last mayor had been working on." He then turned to Cait Sith, "You  
  
can speak to that kindergarten class."  
  
"And you?" asked Gabe annoyed.  
  
"I will do what all elected officals from all levels and forms of government do. Sit behind my desk and look important. If they can do it  
  
why can't I?"  
  
"Great rationale," grumbled Cait Sith walking out with Gabe. Aeris walked over and gave her husband a deep passionate kiss and  
  
smiled as Cloud turned and walked out the door.  
  
"Aww don't you play little Suzy homemaker to a tee," remarked Tifa with blatant and obvious sarcasm in her voice.  
  
"Fuck you silicone queen!"  
  
"Just because most twelve year old girls have bigger tits than you doesn't give you the right to bash my 100 % real breasts."  
  
"The hell it doesn't!" snapped Aeris.  
  
"I'm going to be late for the class I'm teaching," snapped Tifa getting up.  
  
"I wasn't aware learning how to fuck every suit in a company to make it into a video game was something they where teaching."  
  
"Neither was I until you came along,' retorted Tifa disappearing from the kitchen before Aeris could give a comeback. Soon everyone  
  
else finished their breakfast and separated to various parts of the house to lounge around for the day.  
  
"So what are you going to do about Cid?" asked Vincent to Shera.  
  
"Red and I are taking him to see one of the greatest scientific minds in the world."  
  
"Who would that be? His grandfather?"  
  
Shera shook her head, "No its not him.actually when I think about it I don't know who it is but Red speaks highly of him and says he's  
  
someone we know fairly well. So what plans do you have for today?"  
  
"I plan to see how many rooms in the house I can fuck Yuffie's brains out," replied Vincent coldly.  
  
Shera looked slightly flustered but didn't show it in her tone," You could have just said 'I'm not sure' or something like that."  
  
"Yeah but where's the fun in that?" asked Vincent. Shera said nothing and walked away. Vincent gave a rare but brief smile just as  
  
Yuffie leaped into his arms and began furiously making out with him.  
  
"Here's my stop," announced Gabe to Cait Sith.  
  
"Good luck," said Cait. "You got the worse job then I do that's for sure."  
  
"I don't know," replied Gabe. "Little kids can be pretty fucking evil," he turned to Cait Sith and waved walking up a small hill to a small  
  
building. He took a deep breath and headed for the front door cursing Cloud at that moment.  
  
Gabe sighed again realizing everyone in Avalanche or maybe just his fan fics did this entirely too much and knocked on the large metal  
  
door. A moment later a small slot that was at eye level with Gabe opened to reveal a pair of eyes staring intently at him.  
  
"What do you want?" snapped a voice that was an odd mix of male and female.  
  
"I'm here about the treaty." Silence came from the pair of eyes before the slot slid shut and the door opened a moment later to reveal  
  
a girl with no hair in a black tank top and military pants.  
  
"You the mayor?"  
  
"No, he's.busy..and sent me down to finalize the negotiations."  
  
"Hmph.just like a man to send someone to do his own dirty work."  
  
Gabe bit his tongue on that comment and pulled out a piece of paper, "Okay, in order for peace to be made we need to make  
  
agreements on both sides. So.what is it you want?"  
  
"For every man in the world to be put into a big dirt arena and have a bomb dropped on them. Before that however they must all be  
  
castrated"  
  
"Okay.I can see we still have a little negotiating to do."  
  
"Man..now I realize why I hate children," Cait Sith stepped into the kindergarten class which Marlene happened to be in as well. Before  
  
him where roughly thirty hyper psycho children who had obviously been given about eight pounds of Cinnamon Toast Crunch before  
  
being shipped off to school to become the teachers problem.  
  
"Ah.you're here," Cait turned around to see a young woman who was most likely the kindergarten teacher. "Thank you for coming on  
  
your first day in office.Your one of the most different looking Mayors-"  
  
"Assistant," cut in Cait Sith.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"The mayor had.a lot to do today so I was sent down to do this little Q & A."  
  
"Oh.well I'll quiet the class down so you can have their attention," with that the teacher reached into her desk and pulled out a shotgun.  
  
Ignoring the look of horror on Cait's face, the teacher raised the gun into the air and fired it off. The class stopped screaming and  
  
playing and was dead silent. The teacher put the shotgun away and turned to Cait smiling. "All yours,"  
  
"Grand," thought Cait sarcastically who now was growing slightly anxious as he saw thirty pairs of eyes all fixed on him.  
  
"Come on damn it! Lets go!" Barret banged his gun arm against the wall several times as a group of high school kids ran around the  
  
modern looking gym with everything inside it being no older than a year.  
  
"Excuse me.Mr.Wallace?"  
  
Barret turned around to see who he remembered to be the principal. "Yeah?"  
  
"We've heard roughly three hundred complaints since the day began aboot." the principal paused either for affect or to find the right  
  
words. "Aboot.the gun on your hand,"  
  
"Yeah.what of it?"  
  
"Well.due to the volume of complaints we have received regarding the gun arm I'm going to have to ask you to get rid of it."  
  
"No can do," replied Barret.  
  
"Eh? Why?"  
  
"I had an operation a year ago and had it permanently attached to my arm so it ain't goin nowhere."  
  
"Well then.I hate to say this but I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."  
  
"No way! Dis my first day foo!"  
  
I'm terribly sorry."  
  
"The hell you are you dirty fucking Canadian! I ain't goin nowhere!"  
  
"Wait.how did you know I was from Canada?"  
  
"Lucky guess," replied Barret sarcastically.  
  
"In any event, I'm going to have to let you go, please clear out your stuff, and return the key to the teachers liquor cabinet."  
  
"That's it!" screamed Barret who was pushed over the edge at the mention of being forced to return the precious liquor key. Barret  
  
jumped back screamed "SATELLITE BEAM!!" and ran like hell.  
  
"Hmmm.after lunch I should say another three hour nap is in order before I go back to that Quake III network game." Cloud grinned  
  
and leaned back in his brand new leather chair and kicked his feet up closing his eyes.  
  
"Bruce Willis?!" exclaimed Tifa in surprise.  
  
"Hey.I didn't know you would be here, I saved the world again and I'm on vacation. I heard you all where living here so I figured I'd  
  
stop by."  
  
"Well I know Cait Sith will be glad to see you again. He practically worships your movies."  
  
"Yeah I know.I'm going to try and avoid being alone with him. I've never met someone who can ask 30 questions a minute for twenty  
  
minutes."  
  
"We'll make sure Gabe doesn't ask you what it was like to nail Demi either," agreed Tifa.  
  
"I'd appreciate that. Your looking a little frustrated what's wrong?"  
  
Tifa scowled slightly, "It's these ass holes I'm trying to teach martial arts too. None of them will take me seriously!"  
  
Bruce Willis looked behind Tifa to see a group of men lounging around the gym area where the class was taking place. "I got it," with  
  
that Bruce pulled a nine millimeter out of his jacket and shot the guy nearest to him causing everyone to stop talking and turn to Bruce  
  
in stunned silence. "Now," he smiled, "Who's ready to learn some marital arts?" Everyone put up their hands which where shaking. Bruce  
  
turned to Tifa a smile still on his face, "All yours." Tifa returned the smile and walked past Bruce Willis to finally begin the class.  
  
Meanwhile, over at Cosmo Canyon..  
  
"Ho ho hoooo Nanaki! Good to see you!"  
  
"Good to see you as well Grandpa," replied Red who was with Shera and Cid who was now wearing a white cloth. "Has he arrived yet?"  
  
Buggenhagen nodded, "Yes, he's in the other room. Shall we go see him now?"  
  
"Please?" interrupted Shera eagerly.  
  
"Ho ho.this way please." Buggenhagen lead them out of the main room and through the door to the right where there was a table in  
  
the middle of the room and several different types of machinery. Above it was the planet display.  
  
"Wait," said Shera. "The only one in this room is Stone Cold Steve Aust-you can't be serious!"  
  
"He's a genius scientist," replied Red XIII.  
  
"Science is an abomination of the lord," stated Cid.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with him?" asked Steve Austin.  
  
"Some nut brainwashed him into thinking he was Jesus Christ," said Red. "Can you help him?"  
  
"Hell yeah I can son," Steve Austin replied. At that moment two chibi puppet versions of Stone Cold popped up on each side of his  
  
shoulders. The one on the left had an A on his black vest while the one on his right had a B.  
  
"Steve Austin is the greatest genius in the universe!" boasted A.  
  
"Steve Austin is the smartest SOB in the world today!" concurred B.  
  
"Now," said Austin after both chibi puppets had finished their cheering and confetti throwing, "Let's get down to business." He turned to  
  
Cid. "Now Cid, ya tea drinking-"  
  
"My name is Jesus Christ," interrupted Cid politely.  
  
"Fine, Mr. Christ, sir, could ya lay down on this table?" Cid nodded slowly and lay down on the table. Steve in a flash had Cid hooked up  
  
to various pieces of equipment.  
  
"So what's wrong?" asked Red.  
  
"Well first off his cerburrial cortiuosus valumious is nearly eighty percent past its normal marticular rate which really should be around  
  
forty, In addition to this the dumb son of a bitch who did this changed the harefillus tillkitis in the lower left region of his brain causing  
  
severe distortion throughout the panzollium lobes and all this aint making things easy for the corrgisusifjkilus either."  
  
Steve noticed the incredible looks of confusion on their faces and rolled his eyes as if it was a concept everyone should be able to  
  
understand with ease. "The dumbass who fucked with Cid's brain basically played about 90,000 images of Jesus Christ into Cid's brain  
  
with such speed and intensity that within a couple minutes his mind was altered. I can help the poor bastard by isolating the affected  
  
brain cells and destroying them which will free up his true personality and memories. Course this could cause severe brain-"  
  
"That'll be fine," said Shera quickly.  
  
Austin shrugged, "Whatever lady," he reached over to a cooler next to table and pulled out two beers drinking them both at the same  
  
time then tossing them behind him. "Okay lets get this shit going," Cid reached over to a machine and was about to flip a switch when  
  
Cid jumped off the table pulling off all cords he had been attached to as he did.  
  
"What the hell are you doing Cid?" snapped Shera. "Get back on the table!"  
  
"I cannot!" replied Cid. "I have a mission."  
  
"Hell, guess I gotta use some antiseptic. Austin spun Cid around and gave him a boot to the stomach followed by the legendary Stone  
  
Cold Stunner. Steve grabbed the unconscious Cid and threw him onto the table and before Cid could wake up threw the switch and  
  
reached for a couple more beers.  
  
Over at the Mayor of Nibleheims office....  
  
"Hey Gabe, you look troubled what's wrong?" Cloud looked ahead from Aeris who had stopped by to see him to see Gabe who's clothing  
  
and jacket where torn up and cuts and bruises all over his face.  
  
"The lesbian terrorist negotiations did not go well," replied Gabe who was breathing heavy.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Well.to make a long story short.I called them a bunch of ugly rug munching dykes then they beat me up and took my lunch money.  
  
They would have castrated me but I was able to escape."  
  
"Oh.well don't worry."  
  
"Why?" asked Gabe who did not like the direction this was heading in.  
  
"I had their hideout bombed shortly after you left. Reports indicate the surviving three have left Nibelheim to start a Broadway version  
  
of Foxfire."  
  
"Then why the fuck did you send me down there?!" screamed Gabe who was starting to feel a lot better. "I'm pretty sure I'll make the  
  
Guinness book for consecutive kicks to the nuts without losing the ability to father children which I'm still not sure about."  
  
"I want the people to know I'm a man who can try to resolve conflicts head to head without violence," answered Cloud. He looked up at  
  
the clock on the wall, "Hmmm.is it five already? May as well go home I've got nothing else to do today." He was about to get up but  
  
noticed something at the bottom of his "To Do" list and sighed, "Damn, I still have to," he paused to read the note. "Drive Mick the  
  
mad ass scientist from the city before he-" Clouds words where cut off as he heard a tremendous explosion that rocked the office.  
  
"Destroys the city and moves forward with his plans to take over the world."  
  
"Wasn't he the weirdo who made Cid think he was Jesus Christ?" asked Aeris.  
  
"The same," agreed Gabe.  
  
"Well we better go out there and beat him down," sighed Cloud. "I'm gonna miss Tenchi Muyo damn it." He sighed again then picked up  
  
his ultimate weapon and walked out with Gabe and Aeris in tow.  
  
"THERE you are!" exclaimed Barret upon seeing Cloud, Aeris and Gabe. Barret and everyone else was in the center of the city battling  
  
the Terrible Three as well as a small army of Fat Bastard impersonators.  
  
Gabe who noticed Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bruce Willis remembered Bog- Bitch, Sarah Joan Hewitt, and Raff Riff well from when they  
  
visited Mick's house. "Where is that crazy ass hole anyway?" asked Gabe moments before Bog Bitch hit him with a car.  
  
"Who are we fightin anyway?" asked Austin hitting one of the Fat Bastards with a garbage can.  
  
"Mick the mad ass scientist," replied Cait Sith punching Raff Riff in the head.  
  
"Wait a sec.he a bug eyed lookin kind of guy kind of looks like Sean Connery with Einstein hair?"  
  
"Yeah," said Cait jumping off his moggle to claw at Raff Riff's eyes.  
  
"I knew that son of a bitch!" continued Austin ducking under a clothesline from another of the Fat Bastards and giving him a Stunner.  
  
"The crazy bastard was my college! We stopped working together because all he wanted to do was take over the world while all I wanted  
  
was to build a damn machine that would open several cans of beer at once." As he finished his story Austin was kicked in the stomach  
  
by Sarah Joan Hewitt and thrown into a brick wall.  
  
"I'll ask again!" yelled Gabe pulling his head out of the ground. "WHERE- THE-HELL-IS-HE?" Gabe's question was quickly answered as he  
  
heard another explosion and looked up to see a giant robot version of Mick. "Oh.fuck me."  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" boomed the voice coming from the robot. "With Mecha Mick I will surely take over the world starting with New  
  
Nibelheim!"  
  
"This is not good," said Yuffie looking up.  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious," remarked Red XIII. A second later the mouth of Mecha Mick opened and several missiles came out  
  
narrowly missing their intended targets. Cloud leaped in the air with his sword raised high but was smacked away but Mick's left hand.  
  
"FEEL THE MIGHTY MIGHT OF MICK!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"  
  
"What the hell are we gonna do?!" screamed Cid who having not been fully repaired had stopped to pray several times. Cid ran from  
  
the gattling gun that came from the left side of Mecha Mick only to get speared into the wall by Sarah Joan Hewitt.  
  
"Desperate times call for desperate measures son!" said Stone Cold who reached into his vest and pulled out what looked like a very  
  
small model of himself. "I hate to try this out seeing how it aint done yet but." he wound back and threw the action figure in the air  
  
"Mecha Rattlesnake activate!!" In the blink of an eye the action figure exploded and when the dust had settled a giant meca version of  
  
Stone Cold stood. The chest opened up and Austin quickly jumped in shutting it then storming over to Mick and beginning to trade  
  
punches with him.  
  
"Why the hell does HE get a fucking robot?!" demanded Bruce Willis angrily. Shooting the last of the Fat Bastards with an Uzi.  
  
Gabe shrugged and pulled an ax of his jacket and drove it into Bog Bitches forehead which sent her flying into wall incapacitating the  
  
angry midget woman indefininitly. Gabe was about to be jumped by Raff Riff but Tifa jumped over knocking him out with a kick that  
  
made even Aeris flinch.  
  
"Thanks Tifa," said Gabe stopping amidst all the fighting to smile. Tifa returned the smile, 'It's okay." For that moment both of them  
  
seemed to have forgotten everything around them and where only looking into each others eyes. A moment later a stray missile from  
  
one of the giant robots hit both of them.  
  
Soon Sarah Joan Hewitt fell and everyone looked up to watch the battle between Mecha Mick and Mecha Rattlesnake.  
  
"I WAS A BETTER SCIENTIST AND NOW I WILL PROVE IT!!" boomed Mick picking up a piece of building and smashing it over Mecha  
  
Rattlesnakes head.  
  
"KEEP TALKING TRASH SON!" Steve boomed back blocking an oncoming punch from Mecha Mick and firing in a vicious left which sent  
  
Mecha Mick crashing into a building. Mecha Rattlesnake then picked up Mecha Mick and began pummeling it relentlessly. Finally Mecha  
  
Rattlesnake stood back and Mecha Mick was wobbling back and forth easy prey for the kill. "IT'S WHOOP ASS TIME SON!" announced  
  
Stone Cold who stood back and lifted up his foot for what surely would be the greatest Stone Cold Stunner ever executed. Just before  
  
the foot connected with the stomach, Mecha Rattlesnake began to twitch and short circuit.  
  
"Shit! Shit! Shit! Cursed Austin trying to control Mecha Rattlesnake. "I'm gonna have to bail out," Austin cursed again and hit a button  
  
opening up Mecha Rattlesnake and leaped out just as it exploded.  
  
"Great, now what do we do?" asked Cloud.  
  
"Make your peace with god," suggested Barret.  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA," laughed Mecha Mick who was now back to full power. "NOW ALL OF YOU WILL PERISH TO THE POWER OF-HUH? WHAT  
  
THE HELL IS ON MY BACK?!" Mecha Mick tried to reach behind his back but not to avail. As he was trying to see what was on his back  
  
everyone saw that there was a great number of timed bombs on his back. Mecha Mick turned around to see Bruce Willis standing on the  
  
roof of a building holding a remote control in his hand and a big smile on his face. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS! " cried Mecha Mick. "I'M MICK  
  
THE MAD ASS SCIENTIST I'M A SUPER GENUIUS!"  
  
Bruce slowly raised the remote control, "Yippy Ki-yay mother fucker." Bruce stood back and pressed the button igniting Mecha Mick in a  
  
series of explosions and when the smoke cleared a charcoal black Mick stood amidst a pile of rubble.  
  
Forty seven minutes later..  
  
"Come on guys!" pleaded Mick. "We don't have to do this!"  
  
"Sure we do," replied Cloud. "Now get in the rocket."  
  
Mick looked into the rocket which was already cramped with the Terrible Three and shook his head. "I can't! I'm claustrophobic!"  
  
"Oh well," shrugged Gabe kicking Mick into the rocket and turning to Cloud. "Okay, they're all in we can shoot them into the sun now."  
  
Cloud nodded and hit a button on a remote control sending the rocket into the early evening sky.  
  
"Can I stay for dinner?" asked Bruce Willis.  
  
"Me too," said Steve Austin.  
  
Later that night...  
  
"Damn that sucked, who's idea was it to let Yuffie cook dinner?" asked Cait Sith who was sharing the illness that everyone at that  
  
moment was sharing in the mansions rec room.  
  
"It wasn't that bad!" whined Yuffie.  
  
"Neither was eating cats during the black plague," replied Cloud who had already thrown up twice.  
  
"I guess I should tell them," thought Gabe who had been thinking about something in particular all day and was now ready to decide.  
  
"Guys," he said standing up. "I've got a little announcement to make. I can tell the series is going down hill. It's getting incredibly  
  
repetitive and so in an attempt to change the direction of the series I'm going to take the smaller air ship and fly around the world  
  
going on various wacky adventures which are sure to fuel a few more fics before I fade completely. However, I don't want to do this all  
  
by myself so I'm gonna ask if anyone wants to come along." Silence filled the room for a moment before Cloud spoke up.  
  
"Sorry Gabe but there's no way I can go."  
  
"Neither can I," agreed Aeris sadly. Cid, Shera, Barret, Stone Cold, and Cait Sith. Those who did agree to go was Red XIII, Vincent,  
  
Yuffie, and Bruce Willis and to Gabe's surprise Tifa.  
  
"Tifa?! You want to come along? Why?"  
  
"No reason, I don't have anything better to do. I don't have much of a martial arts class anymore," she sighed shooting Bruce Willis a  
  
mock glare. Gabe probably would have gone the rest of the night without saying a word but Cloud broke his train of thought.  
  
"When are you leaving?"  
  
"Tomorrow," replied Gabe. "I'm going to go pack," when no one said anything else he turned and slowly walked out of the rec room  
  
leaving it in silence.  
  
Next Morning...  
  
"Drop us a line," said Cloud shaking Gabes hand as everyone stood in the Mansions new hangar in front of the ship which was now  
  
known as The 7th Heaven.  
  
"I will, I have a feeling this won't be the last time we all meet." He walked up the ramp to the entrance of the ship waving to everyone  
  
before standing in the doorway as the ramp slowly closed up the ship and a moment later the 7th Heaven taxied out of the hangar and  
  
shot into the sky disappearing in moments.  
  
"So what's on the agenda today?" asked Cait Sith to Cloud with dread in his tone as he knew he would be taking whatever jobs Gabe  
  
would have had to do.  
  
"Nothing for you," replied Cloud sipping his coffee. "I'm going to that school again to speak to the kids."  
  
"Gee what a cute PR stunt."  
  
"I'm going to fix the damage YOU did yesterday besides I love kids."  
  
"Right that's why Aeris keeps a box of condoms in the 3rd floor bathroom-  
  
THUNK  
  
Cait clutched the back of his head and crumpled onto his moggle while Aeris placed the frying pan back onto the stove. Cloud grinned  
  
and turned a page in the newspaper today was going to be a pretty good day even if he had one of the most insane families in the  
  
world (Authors note: Hence the title FAMILY INSANITY get it? Damn I'm a clever son of a bitch.)  
  
End.  
  
What did ya think? The whole robot thing wasn't too great but hey anything's funny after a third of vodka am I right? I'm not too sure  
  
what's up next though there is a Chrono Cross fan fic and the sequel to Hardly Clerkin. I hope you had a good time reading this and be  
  
sure to let me know what you think of this. 


	11. A sorta sanctioned annoucement

Cait Sith: A quick note before we movie back on.for the sake of time, the entire 10 part, 34,000 word epic Nintendo Strikes Back Saga has been turned into a single part..this still covers episodes 10-20.just bare this in mind as ya read on. Where's my porno mag?!  
  
Cloud: Right here.(Hands Cait a magazine)  
  
Cait: Ah.sweet, sweet, porn.(Walks off)  
  
Cloud: (Shakes head and follows) 


	12. 1.10-1.20-Nintendo Strikes Back Saga

The New Threat Emerges-An FF7 fan fic-written by Gabe Ricard  
  
The Nintendo strikes back saga begins here!  
  
Come on.you didn't think it was called FREE HOT XXX PORN CLICK HERE! Did you? Anyway here's the beginning of the first saga in the  
  
ff7 series. Starting at this point the fics will also be a tad smaller for reasons for too great for you simple humans to understand  
  
bwahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!  
  
Also sorry this fic took so long to come up (A month) but with Final Fantasy IX and Lunar:EB to play it came down to two choices  
  
1.Write for the masses(all 4 of them)  
  
2.Play these games and forget how much I hate my life.  
  
You people never stood a chance. Enjoy.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhh! Sea urchin! Sea urchin! There's a huge ass sea urchin on my- oh.never mind!" Cloud realizing it was only his hair slowly  
  
returned to his pillow. Aeris giggled and cuddled up to him going back to sleep.  
  
"Now I remember why I don't come here very often," thought Stone Cold Steve Austin stopping at their door then continuing his way to  
  
the kitchen where everyone else was eating breakfast.  
  
"Good morning Mr. Austin," smiled Shera.  
  
"Morning," he replied sitting down next to Cait Sith.  
  
"How much longer is you're free loading ass going to be here?" asked Cait Sith looking up from his eggs.  
  
"Until I'm finished fixing your red-neck tea drinking friends brain!" snapped Stone Cold in reply. He sighed, "There's still a few.bugs to  
  
work out is all."  
  
"Bugs?" asked Barret. At that moment the sound of a door flying open and crashing against the wall could be heard and a few moments  
  
later, Cid appeared in the kitchen doorway his eyes frantic and the left side of his face was twitching constantly.  
  
"WAZZZZZZZZUPPPPPPP!!!"  
  
"Uh-oh," mumbled Cait Sith.  
  
"Morning Cid," smiled Shera trying to change the mood.  
  
"Mornin ma!" grinned Cid slapping her back with good intentions but still hard enough to cause Shera to fall over in a heap.  
  
"I think I liked Cid more when he was Christ," remarked Barret.  
  
"WELLLLLLLLLLLLLL," began Cid in a much louder tone, "I'M OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD! THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZZZZZ"  
  
"Aren't you going to stop him?" asked Shera slowly pulling herself up.  
  
"When I'm finished these eggs," replied Steve Austin. "They're the best damn eggs I've ever eaten."  
  
"What's that Miss Aguilera?" asked Cid turning to Austin his tone also resuming a much more bearable degree. "There's a no clothes  
  
law here at Disney-Land? Well okayyyyyy I ain't no spring chicken but-" Cid's words where cut off as Steve Austin leapt up and drove a  
  
powerful sedative into Cid's neck putting him to sleep almost instantly.  
  
"Well I guess there are some things more important than kick ass eggs."  
  
"WAY more important," agreed Barret. "Well, I gotta go find Marlene and take her to that kids show thing in Wutai. Be back in a few  
  
hours and I'm takin da buggy." Barret shoved the last of his bacon into his mouth and stood up, turning and walking out of the kitchen.  
  
"I gotta work on Cid some more," sighed Steve getting out of his chair and dragging Cid away with Shera in tow who had promised to  
  
help.  
  
"What times Cloud gonna wake up?" asked Cait to Shera before she left.  
  
Shera thought for a moment then shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno.it's his day off so he'll probably sleep in."  
  
Cait sulked, "I've got no one to play DOA2 against."  
  
Shera laughed and reached out and stroked his cheek mockingly, "Aw, poor Caity."  
  
"Go away," snapped Cait Sith hopping away. Shera watched him storm off then laughed again and walked out of the kitchen to the lab  
  
where Stone Cold Steve Austin was working on Cid.  
  
Gabe slowly sat up and yawned looking around his room then, looking at his clock and seeing to his surprise he had slept in a couple  
  
hours later than usual.  
  
Must be this bed, he thought getting out and putting on some clothes. It's really, really comfortable. He cracked his neck back and forth a  
  
couple times then walked out of his room and into the small hallway. Feeling refreshed from a great nights sleep Gabe walk briskly  
  
down the hallway and soon came onto the bridge of the ship which was almost identical to The Highwind. Gabe looked around, Tifa was  
  
standing in the corner looking out the window, Bruce Willis was cleaning his gun, Vincent and Yuffie where not surprisingly furiously  
  
making out and Red XIII lay in the corner resting.  
  
"Good morning Gabe," smiled Tifa.  
  
Gabe nodded, "Morning Tifa. Where are we?"  
  
"No idea," she replied. "We got out of the area and now are in an area I'VE never seen before."  
  
"Oh." he turned to the pilot. "Do you have any clue where we are?"  
  
The pilot who was flying the ship shook his head. "None what so ever. I put in on auto-pilot and left it that way before I went to sleep.  
  
This is what you wanted to do though right?"  
  
"Yep.I do kinda wish we knew where we were tho but-" at that moment the room began flashing with red lights.  
  
"What the fuck is that?" asked Bruce Willis looking up from the uzi.  
  
"That's the red alert device Cid put into the ship," replied the pilot. "It MEANS something BAD is going to HAPPEN."  
  
Bruce glared, "Shut-up smart-ass."  
  
"Isn't that a Klingon battle ship?" asked Red XIII who had risen to his feet and was looking out the window.  
  
Gabe walked over to the window and turned pale, "it IS! But what the hell is it doing here! This isn't outer fucking space!" A second later  
  
a laser blast fired out of the Klingon ship and nearly hit them. Gabe turned to the pilot frantically, "Didn't that moron Cid put any  
  
weapons on this damn thing!"  
  
"Uh.nope!"  
  
"Figures," remarked Vincent who had finally taken a break from his lip wars with Yuffie.  
  
"So what do we do now?" asked Tifa. Her question was swiftly answered by Bruce Willis.  
  
"Holy shit! Is that.the Enterprise?!"  
  
"Really?" Gabe returned to the window and standing next to Bruce Willis peered out and indeed saw the Enterprise and drawing on his  
  
days as a Trekkie recognized it as the Enterprise that was used in the original TV series.  
  
"Is this good or bad?" asked Tifa. Once again Tifa's question was answered without words as the Enterprise opened fire on the Klingon  
  
ship and destroyed it in moments.  
  
"Well this is a hunch but I think it's good," replied Gabe watching the scattered pieces of the Klingon ship fall to earth.  
  
"NOW what are we going to do?" questioned Bruce Willis.  
  
"Well if the show and movies are any indication then we are most likely going to be-" Gabe's words where cut off as a green light  
  
surrounded everyone on the bridge and a moment later everyone was standing in what Gabe recognized as Sick Bay."Transported to  
  
Sick Bay." A moment later Dr. Mcoy, Mr. Spock, Nurse Chapel and Captain Kirk emerged to greet them. Immediately, Mcoy and Chapel  
  
began to examine them while Captain Kirk extended his right hand to the group. Bruce Willis ended up being the one to shake his  
  
hand.  
  
"Hello," greeted Kirk. "I..am.Captain.KIRK.of the Star.ship..Enterprise ."  
  
"I'm Bruce Willis this is Gabe, Tifa, Vincent, Yuffie and Red XIII."  
  
"I.SEE.well.I.wel.come..you.to.my.SHIP."  
  
"Why the hell do you talk like that?" asked Gabe who already felt annoyed.  
  
"He is over dramatizing," explained Mr. Spock calmly.  
  
Dr. Mcoy soon finished examining everyone and stood back satisfied with his results. "Well, everything seems to be in order here."  
  
At the mention of that Nurse Chapel locked herself around Spock which didn't really surprise Gabe but what followed did.  
  
"I found an empty closet I bet we could kill some real time in there huh?"  
  
Spock raised an eyebrow and in perfect Vulcan tone replied, "I agree shall we?"  
  
"Yes lets" Gabe watched in surprise as Spock scooped Chapel up and quickly walked out of Sick Bay. Gabe shook his head. Mcoy noticed  
  
this.  
  
"Show the green blooded son of a bitch ONE porno movie and his human side takes over almost completely." Gabe gave no reply and  
  
only nodded.  
  
"So what about our ship?" asked Bruce who was still speaking with Kirk.  
  
"It.is being rePAIRED so.we.will...be here.for..a..little while. Feel free to.explore the ship." At that remark everyone broke off and  
  
walked out of Sick Bay and headed down the hall to various sections of the ship.  
  
Captain Kirk broke off his conversation with Bruce Willis and walked over to Tifa. "May.I.SEE YOU.in my quarters.if you please?"  
  
Tifa shrugged, "Sure." Captain Kirk seemed to let a small giggle of joy but repressed it and walked out of Sick Bay with Tifa behind him.  
  
She turned to Gabe who was standing next to Mcoy. "I'll be back in a minute and we'll explore this ship together okay?"  
  
"Sure.just be sure to watch Kirk.you never know when he may-"  
  
"Tifa.are you.coming?" Tifa turned to face Captain Kirk before Gabe could finish his warning.  
  
"I'm coming," with that she walked off before Gabe could finish.  
  
Gabe shook his head and sighed, "She should be okay.yeah.I don't see why not." Gabe reassured himself again and walked out of  
  
Sick Bay.  
  
"Where are you Vincent?" yelled Yuffie annoyed as she walked onto the bridge. She was feeling frustrated that she had looked away for  
  
only a minute and when she turned to talk to Vincent he was lost in the crowd in the hallway.  
  
"Can I help you?" Yuffie looked to her left and saw Lt. Uhura.  
  
"Yeah.have you seen a big evil looking guy with a metal arm?"  
  
"Can't say that I have," replied Uhura.  
  
Yuffie sighed disappointingly and looked around stopping on Mr. Sulu and Chekcov who where at the controls. "Wow!" she exclaimed  
  
running over to them and peering over Mr. Sulu's shoulder. "What's THIS button do?" before Mr. Sulu or Mr. Chekcov could say  
  
anything, Yuffie reached over and hit the button then looked up and watched as a photon torpedo slowly flew towards earth.  
  
"Oh no! where did that thing go Sulu?" asked Chekcov.  
  
Sulu looked down at the controls, "It hit a place called.Sussex County."  
  
"Any survivors?"  
  
"Umm.nope."  
  
Yuffie shrugged, "Doesn't sound like a very important place to me."  
  
"Call security," said Mr. Sulu turning to Uhura.  
  
"Uh-oh.that's my cue to RUN!" Before the Security could show up Yuffie bolted out the door and ducked into the first room she came to.  
  
"This guy's looking awfully nervous," thought Red XIII stopping at a man dressed in a red shirt with short brown hair. "What's wrong with  
  
you?"  
  
"Ahhhh!!!" the man seemed to be pulled out of some kind of trance and his eyes began bolting in every direction before stopping at  
  
Red. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!!" the man cried.  
  
"No."  
  
"WITH EVERY EPISODE.ONE OF US MUST DIE!! AND THIS TIME IT'LL BE ME!!! AHHHH IT'S MY TURN DON'T YOU GET IT!!! I GOTTA  
  
HIDE.GOTTA HIDE..GOTTA HIDE.GOTTA.HIDE." Red watched as the man turned to run but tripped over his own feet and fell to the  
  
ground, cracking his head open and dying within seconds. Red looked back then looked ahead and walked over the dead body  
  
continuing down the hall to find a place that served food.  
  
Vincent stepped into the engine room of the Enterprise and looked around in awe, as it was one of the largest most complex looking  
  
rooms he had ever seen. He saw a man hunched over something and walked over to see who it was. He reached over and tapped the  
  
man on the shoulder. The man turned around, stared at Vincent and scowled, "You can tell that bastard Kirk that I'm givin her all I got  
  
and if he doesn't like that-"  
  
"What are you talking about?" asked Vincent annoyed.  
  
"Oh.sorry I thought Captain Kirk sent you," I'm Scotty.  
  
"I'm Vincent, this is really impressive."  
  
"Thanks laddie.just dun touch anything."  
  
"Don't worry.I'm not ignorant or clumsy like all my other team mates" Vincent walked past Scotty to explore the ship further and  
  
wasn't paying attention. As a result, Vincent tripped over a bar and drove his shoulder into a switch marked Self Destruct pushing it  
  
down.  
  
"Oh no!" cried Scotty pulling out a communicator as a read light and siren like sound began blaring all around them. "Security! There's a  
  
guy down here trying to destroy me ship! Aye a hundred men should do this guy looks dangerous." Vincent sighed and ran out of the  
  
engine room to avoid the guards.  
  
" I think this is Captain Kirk's room," thought Gabe once again drawing on his knowledge from his days as a trekkie and opening the  
  
door and stepping in.  
  
"Get the fuck away from me.now!!" screamed Tifa ducking under an advancing Kirk but cornering herself in the process. "Why are you  
  
doing this?  
  
"Because.I.haven't.had..a woman in.ten minutes," replied Kirk who was now mere inches away from grabbing Tifa.  
  
"Then why are you armed?" she asked.  
  
"I.seem.to improve.my.chances.with this,"  
  
Gabe watched the scene before him and reacted instantly leaping over to Kirk and kicking him into the wall then pulling out a ninja  
  
sword and driving it into Kirk's chest pinning him against the wall. Gabe who was breathing heavily turned to face Tifa. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah." she looked up and stared at Gabes face. A silence filled the room between them both before a siren like sound and flashing  
  
red lights appeared.  
  
"Great," said Tifa looking away from Gabe. "God knows what Yuffie or the others did now." The two ran past Kirk's dead body and  
  
stopped in the hallway where they where met by Bruce Willis and the others who had all met up.  
  
"We need to get off this ship now," said Bruce Willis. "Before-" his sentence was abruptly ended as a laser blast shot an inch past his  
  
head. Everyone looked to their left and saw what had to about five hundred security guards charging through the hall after them.  
  
"Wasn't my fault!" cried Yuffie ducking a laser blast as they ran into the transporter room.  
  
"Sure it wasn't," replied Gabe punching in the code to send them back to their ship then jumping on the transporter with everyone else  
  
and disappearing just as the security guards burst into the room.  
  
"Get us out of here you fucking moron!" snapped Bruce to the pilot as they ran onto the bridge of their ship.  
  
"Sure.lucky too cause those repair guys just finished up and-"  
  
"NOW god damn it!" cried everyone.  
  
The pilot glared and turned to the steering wheel. "Okay, okay.damn" a moment later The 7th Heaven blasted away from The Enterprise  
  
which exploded in a tremendous ball of fire.  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
Dr. Wiley (authors note: I have no idea what so ever how to spell this guys name so feel free to correct me) stepped into the massive  
  
office and took a deep breath before walking to an equally massive desk and stopping. The man behind it was hidden in the shadows  
  
that darkened everything behind the desk.  
  
"So what's the final report?" came a voice with a thick Italian accent.  
  
"The army is ready.if we are going to attack, now is the time." Dr. Wiley sighed. "Are you sure you want to do this? With the Game Cube  
  
on its way we should have no difficulty at all in retaking our spot in the Video Game world.  
  
"No!" replied the voice sharply emerging from the shadows to reveal Mario. "If we do not wipe out Sony now.we will only end up back  
  
where we started from."  
  
"If you say so.in any event we'll leave when you're ready."  
  
Mario was about to reply but was interrupted as a man ran into the room breathing heavily. Mario scowled at being interrupted. "This  
  
had better be good."  
  
"Down at the security tower we picked up a ship on the radar. It's a ship that's almost identical to the one from Final Fantasy 7!  
  
A hideous smile broke out on Mario's face. "Well.that's different.shoot it down, send some of our best men and take them out then,  
  
bring them here."  
  
"Yes sir!" with that, the man ran out just as quickly as he had came.  
  
"Well, this is a good bit of fortune.considering Final Fantasy 7 was our first target. Not counting our attack on..on..who where they  
  
again?"  
  
"The cast of Xenogears," replied Mario. "This IS a good bit of good luck. Go and tell them to delay our departure by a couple days."  
  
"Of course sir," Dr.Wiley walked out of the room briskly leaving Mario to himself. Mario leaned back in his chair and spun around facing  
  
the window that over saw the entire part of the world that was controlled by Nintendo. It wasn't as much as it had been in the 80's and  
  
early 90's but, it was impressive none the less. It wasn't enough for Mario though. He knew that it had taken them over five years to  
  
get to a point where they would be able to launch an all out attack. He planned to take out Sony a piece at a time and had decided  
  
quite some time ago that he would start with the game that had played a large part in Nintendo's fall from grace, Final Fantasy 7. To this  
  
day Mario had secretly regretted his poor treatment to Square Soft but it didn't matter at this point anymore. Nothing did really accept  
  
the matters at hand. Mario threw back his head and let out a long, wicked laugh that rang through the large office. Soon.very soon  
  
Nintendo would return to the days of its former glory. The only difference this time would be that they would stay their forever.  
  
End.  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#12  
  
"Attack! Capture! Ahhh!"  
  
Part two in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
With editing and rewriting assistance by Lotuss Tears  
  
  
  
Well.the moment is at hand. The moment when I'm about to break the last rule in fan fiction I haven't broken yet. I'll explain myself a  
  
bit more once the fic is done with so until then sit back, keep your tolerance level as high as it shall allow and try to enjoy.  
  
  
  
"Ha! I am the prince of all Saiya-Jins!"  
  
Barret scowled, "Shut up! I would SO woop yo sorry ass if weren't for my damn gun arm of mine."  
  
Cait Sith grinned and laid down his controller, "Barret.you've been making that excuse for the last three years. Just admit that I am the  
  
king of fighting games."  
  
"Never!" roared Barret scaring his young daughter Marlene so badly she almost fainted. "Let's have another game!"  
  
"MORTAL! HAVE YOU SEEN THE ONE KNOWN AS AERIS?"  
  
Barret recognized the voice of Cid and was about to turn and explain that Aeris was paying one of her "congical visits" to Cloud while he  
  
was at work but when he did turn around he screamed at what was before him. Cid was dressed in a black bathrobe and his face was  
  
painted white. "I AM THE MIGHTY GOD OF MIDDLE EARTH LORD BABBA FLABBA JABBAWOKIE THE FITH!!! BOW BEFORE ME PUNY  
  
MORTALS!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Cait was close to being speechless but was able to mutter, "Oh.my god."  
  
"NOW!" boomed Cid, "I WILL GIVE YOU A TASTE OF THE MAGIC OF LORD BABBA FLABBA JABBA WOKIE THE FITH!" Cid jumped back and  
  
with dramatic flair, pulled out a lighter and flicked it on. At this point everyone in the room was now completely speechless.  
  
"NEXT I WILL DISPLAY THE AWESOME POWER OF MY CO-" Cid's next "magic trick" was cut short in that sentence as Stone Cold Steve  
  
Austin appeared behind him and drove a sedative into his neck. Shera came in a second later and dragged Cid away by his foot. Austin  
  
thanked her and turned to face the group. "Sorry bout that.he escaped again and I've been spending the whole damn day searching  
  
for this crazy son of a bitch."  
  
"Haven't you cured him yet?" asked Cait Sith. "After this and yesterday nights Barry Manilow impression, I don't think I can take much  
  
more of this!"  
  
Austin nodded and reached for a beer in the mini fridge next to him, "Just one more session and the old bastard'll back to drinkin tea  
  
and watching Dukes before ya know it!" He was about to leave when he stopped and listened to the video game then made a complete  
  
turn and walked over to Cait Sith and punted him away from the controller much like a football. "I'm playin you Barret," he looked into  
  
his eyes and gave him his trademark scowl, "Got a problem with that?"  
  
"Nope,"  
  
Austin finished off his beer and threw it in Cait Sith's direction. "How about you Cait? Got a problem with me takin over the game?"  
  
"Your damn right I do you bald bit-" Cait suddenly realized who he was talking to and stomped away muttering incoherently to himself.  
  
"What about Cid?" queried Barret.  
  
"He can wait," snapped Austin looking over to Marlene, "Hey kid go get me another beer." Marlene nodded, slid off the couch, and ran  
  
to the mini fridge returning in seconds with Austin's 11th beer of the day. Without hesitation, Austin chose a character and began a  
  
furious DOA2 battle with Barret.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile.on the deck of the 7th Heaven.  
  
"Ship's running pretty good isn't it?"  
  
"Huh?" Gabe turned around to see Tifa walking up beside him, brushing back the strand of hair that blew in her face. "Oh hi Tifa.yeah  
  
it is working really good. Hard to believe that Cid made something that actually worked well."  
  
"Yeah.not sure why he didn't chose to include weapons but oh well," she shrugged her shoulders. "You can't have everything."  
  
"True enough," replied Gabe who thought he was crazy but could swear Tifa was casually moving closer and closer to him. He was silent  
  
for a moment as was Tifa, "I'm sorry.you didn't get Cloud."  
  
"That's okay.I guess it's been time for me to find someone else for a long time." Once again, Gabe noticed Tifa moving half a step  
  
closer to him.  
  
"Well, I know a good way to decide when you start looking."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah.use me as an extreme for what you're NOT looking for. If you do that that it'll take absolutely no time at all."  
  
"But, what if your what I'm looking for?"  
  
Gabe's heart jumped into his throat but managed to ask why.  
  
"Well.you remember what I said about you in Hawaii?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I meant it.I couldn't go through with my plan to sleep with you to make Cloud jealous because I liked you.a lot and couldn't bring  
  
myself to it."  
  
The two where now both moving closer to one another at a snails pace. "Well.guess now you don't have Cloud to use an excuse for not  
  
doing anything about it. Think you can manage?"  
  
Tifa closed her eyes, "I'll manage." she whispered just as her lips where about to meet Gabes.  
  
Mere inches before the kiss occurred, what felt like an earthquake of some sort that sent them both flying to the other side of the ship  
  
and crashing into the floor. Gabe helped Tifa up and looked across to see a ship larger and more sophisticated looking than their own  
  
making it's way towards them. Gabe read the sign on the left side of the ship and gulped; "It's Nintendo!"  
  
"Let's get back inside!" exclaimed Tifa grabbing Gabe's arm and pulling him back into the ship. Just as another laser blast sent the two  
  
crashing to the floor once again. Tifa yanked Gabe to his feet and the two ran down the narrow hallway and came into the bridge a  
  
moment later where the rest of the group could be found.  
  
"What the fuck is going on?!" demanded Bruce Willis to Gabe.  
  
"It's a ship with the Nintendo logo on the side.I have no idea what so ever why they would be attacking us though."  
  
"PERHAPS," yelled the pilot turning to Gabe and Bruce Willis, "Something BAD will HAPPEN!"  
  
Bruce Willis's left eyebrow twitched and he reached over and shot the pilot. "That's the last time he's gonna do that."  
  
"Good shot," observed Red XIII looking down at the body of the pilot.  
  
"Wonderful." muttered Vincent handing Yuffie her bra and shirt, "Now we have no pilot to fly the ship,"  
  
"Oh quit whining," snapped Tifa shoving the body aside with her left foot and taking the controls, "I'll fly this ship.no problem at all."  
  
One minute and thirty seconds later.  
  
"What was that again?" asked Vincent with heavy sarcasm in his tone standing amongst the wreckage of the ship with Tifa and the  
  
others. "No problem at all was it Tifa?"  
  
Tifa scowled, folded her arms, and reached her hand up to brush away a strand of the hair that the wind seemed to want to tear off her  
  
head. "Shut the hell up you gothic idgit."  
  
"Idgit?" asked Red XIII looking up, "I'm not sure if that's a word."  
  
"Perhaps we should FOCUS on the huge death ship with the words Nintendo on it, that's about to land right in front of us?" suggested  
  
Bruce.  
  
"I agree," said Gabe.  
  
A second later the ship touched down on the ground and lay still, soon a door on the right side slowly fell to the ground and doubled as  
  
a ramp. Gabe saw emerging from the ramp was Megaman X, Simon Belmont, King Slender, Pikachu, Donkey Kong, Goemon, and the  
  
Lee Brothers.  
  
"This is kinda scary." observed Red XIII.  
  
"I know," agreed Yuffie. "That guy in wrestling tights looks like Cid with long hair!"  
  
"Another inane observation from Yuffie," sighed Tifa.  
  
"What's that the third today?"  
  
"Fourth."  
  
"Looks like Mario was right.the FF7 heroes came to us," King Slender threw back a strand of his long, blond hair.  
  
"Tis not all of them," observed Simon Belmont giving his whip a light crack against the grass. "And there be two of which we where not  
  
told."  
  
"Don't matter," replied Billy Lee throwing a combination of punches in the air. "We're gonna take these jokers down in five minutes."  
  
"Probably less," snickered Jimmy Lee.  
  
"Then.LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!" Megaman X cried in overdramatic Anime fashion, leaping in the air and unleashing a barrage of ice  
  
blasts mixed in with fireballs. Bruce Willis saw that most of them where coming at him and rolled out of the way, pulling two Uzi's out of  
  
nowhere and firing on X who simply stood and allowed the bullets to hit him doing little damage. Bruce tossed the Uzi's aside and  
  
reached to pull out a 45 but X blasted him into a tree and Bruce did not get up.  
  
"Hey has anyone ever told you.you're breasts really jiggle when you fight?" said Billy throwing a kick at Tifa who ducked and threw a  
  
roundhouse kick of her own which Jimmy intervened on.  
  
"I know!" exclaimed Jimmy agreeing with his brother. "They're.purdy."  
  
"You probably won't like this much then," remarked Tifa ducking a wild punch from Jimmy and driving her elbow into Billy's throat who  
  
had been in the middle of going for the attack. Tifa gave him an uppercut that turned his neck and jaw into a pile of mushed bones.  
  
Tifa then jumped back from another kick from Jimmy and in one swift motion, kicked him in the testicles with such force his throat  
  
suddenly grew two lumps in the center, choking Jimmy who fell to the ground and stopped moving. Tifa was in the middle of her victory  
  
dance when she felt a leather whip tighten around her throat and pull her back. The whip slithered off her slim neck and she turned  
  
around, jumping to her feet but all she saw was the face of Simon Belmont moments before he threw a blackish powder into her face  
  
and watched as Tifa hacked out a single weak cough and fell onto her back.  
  
"Tifa!" Gabe threw King Slender's severed head aside and tried to run over to her and stopped when several thousand volts of electricity  
  
pounded through his body and when it was done. Pikachu was hopping on top of Gabe's head.  
  
Vincent saw Donkey Kong give Yuffie one final double kick which sent her falling and knew he had to go for broke. He threw his shotgun  
  
aside lifted his cape up and in a flash of purple smoke turned into Hellmasker and stalking over to Donkey Kong. His progress was  
  
halted when he was jumped by Goemon who began punching at Vincent and screaming what may have been death threats in incoherent  
  
Japanese. Vincent was silent for a moment and stared down at Goemon. After a moment he reached over with the arm that was not  
  
gripping a chain saw and clutched Goemon's head crushing it like a melon and throwing the body aside then continuing towards Donkey  
  
Kong. Vincent raised his chain saw and tried to bring it down on DK but to his frustration, Kong leaped over him and drop kicked him  
  
when he touch down. Vincent reached over to grab the chain saw but noticed a shadow descending on his face and looked up quickly  
  
enough to see the monstrous, hairy ass of Donkey Kong crush his face. Vincent then heard the sound of someone passing gas and lost  
  
consciousness and reverted back to Vincent form.  
  
"Oh god." muttered Red XIII leaping forward over and over again to avoid the machine gun fire from Megaman X. "I'm the only one  
  
left. but I can do this.I can do this.I can-urk!" Red XIII stopped leaping when Simon Belmont wrapped his spiked; leather whip  
  
around his throat lifted him several feet in the air. Before Red could hit the ground Megaman X blasted him at the same time Pikachu  
  
did and finally Simon returned Red XIII's unmoving form to the earth below.  
  
"They got some of us." sighed Megaman X. throwing Tifa and Yuffie over his shoulder and starting back to the Nintendo ship with the  
  
others who where all holding one or more of the heroes.  
  
"Ah well.They didn't kill anyone we'll need for Gamecube correct?" replied Simon.  
  
"Not really. I guess we could have used to Lee Brothers at some point. Then again, the company was tired of paying their drunk driving  
  
and strip club tabs."  
  
The survivors of the Nintendo ship came to the open entrance of their ship and stopped, "So no one important?"  
  
"Nah," Simon smirked and made his way ahead of the others.  
  
At Nintendo Towers several hours later.  
  
Tifa opened an eye and felt himself moving. It felt as if she was being moved against her will. Finally Tifa opened both of her eyes and  
  
glanced around, realizing that she was being dragged along a lengthy corridor by two men dressed as ninja's. Ahead of her, Red XIII  
  
who was awake was being marched along and Yuffie who was also awake and had leg cuffs and a gag to match her handcuffs. Tifa  
  
looked back and saw that everyone else just had the handcuffs She felt a blunt object meet the back of his head and was ordered to  
  
stand up and walk along. Tifa scowled but did as she was told despite the throbbing pains that seemed to come from the temples of  
  
her head and the base of her neck which wore a thick bruise in the center of it. Looking like a demented bulls eye.  
  
Eventually they came to a large metal door with a small computer built into the wall to the right of the door. It was the kind of door that  
  
would intimidate anyone who didn't know what to expect beyond its doors.  
  
One of the ninja's turned to his buddy who was standing next to him; "You want me to see if the boss is ready to see them?"  
  
The other ninja shook his head; "May as well juts go in.he did order us to bring them up."  
  
"True enough.I still hate the way we have to go through that evil ass secretary of his though."  
  
"Yeah.AND walk through this half-mile hallway."  
  
"It's a fucking crime," grumbled the first ninja handing Yuffie to another ninja and walking over to the computer, pulling out a card,  
  
typing in a combination of numbers then sliding the card into the slot next to the keyboard and standing back. Within seconds the  
  
doors opened and remained that way until everyone had gone in.  
  
"Ack! What're you all doing here?!"  
  
The ninja standing at the head of the group eyed Mario quizzically, "You called us up here.remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah.ahem.bring them.forward." The ninja nodded and stood back, barking out the order to line up the heroes in front of Mario.  
  
Gabe looked at Mario who didn't look much different then he was pictured in the video games.  
  
Mario leaned back in his chair and smiled, "This is quite the stroke of- ugh." Mario paused to grimace. "Luck. Most of the FF7 stars  
  
before us without having to leave our part of the country. It's a s-shame that the rest of you couldn't be here."  
  
"What the hell do you want with us?" asked Vincent.  
  
"I've simply decided to chose the cast of Final Fantasy 7 as the first thing to extract revenge on en route to our regaining the top spot in  
  
the video game industry. You where the first to cause our downfall and now you will be the first to cause our-ahhh!..rebirth. I have  
  
spent the last four years preparing for this. And spent millions to get every star that Nintendo lost from Mega Man to the cast of Street  
  
Fighter 2 and it will all be worth it."  
  
"Are you on crack?!" asked Bruce Willis. "Nintendo has been getting its ass kicked because with about 15 notable exceptions the N64  
  
sucked!"  
  
Mario shrugged, "Oh well.doesn't matter now. Get them out of here. I want to witness their execution later. Before we leave."  
  
"Yes boss" the Ninja nodded and with the other ninja's dragged the heroes from the room.  
  
Mario waited until he was sure they where gone then looked under his desk and frowned, "Here's a tip PRINCESS.when other people  
  
have entered the room.you can let go and wait until it's safe for me to moan again!"  
  
Princess Peach emerged from under the desk and looked ready to give Mario a solid kick in the place she had just been reacquainting  
  
herself with, "Screw you! You fat, bald, ass clown! I've been married to you for 15 years and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you treat  
  
me like a three cent slut!"  
  
Mario shrugged his large shoulders and leaned back in his chair putting his hands behind his head, "Hey, I don't treat you like a three  
  
cent slut.you do that all by yourself."  
  
Princess's left eye began to bulge out, "I SWEAR to GOD.if things don't improve I will divorce your sorry ass so fast it'll make your  
  
fucking head spin!"  
  
"Right.you remember our lawyers right? Those really good ones Howard got before his unfortunate accident at the bull fighting ranch."  
  
"Y-yeah."  
  
"Well if you file for divorce.by the time those lawyers get through with you, YOU'LL be serving a life sentence. So all in all.I don't see  
  
divorce as being all that wise. Normally I wouldn't care. Hell, I've got the money. But with the invasion in a mere few hours I don't need  
  
to concern myself with unimportant things." Feeling pleased with himself, Mario moved from his original position of leaning back to  
  
leaning forward and folding his hands on his 750,000 desk.  
  
Princess's lower lip began to quiver and tears began to swell up in her pretty blue eyes, "Y-you don't even use your Italian accent  
  
anymore.the one that made me fall in love with you in the first place."  
  
"I like to save it for promotional things and whenever I feel like letting you ride me.so anything else to bitch about before I get ready  
  
to go? I also have an execution to attend tomorrow morning you know."  
  
Princess didn't say another word. She spun around in a fashion that suggested she would have the last laugh someday and stormed  
  
out, holding up her long pink dress so as not to fall on her way out.  
  
Mario watched her go then got up and walked over to his bar so he could pour himself a scotch. He filled up the small glass up to the  
  
top without bothering to add ice and drank down most of it in a single gulp. He took a deep breath then threw the glass in the air and  
  
long before it returned to the ground, Mario lifted up a finger and reduced the glass to fine ashes with a small fireball. He shook his  
  
head and moved to return to his desk, "Women.."  
  
  
  
In a cell block several stories below Mario's office.  
  
  
  
Gabe knew that one of them had to escape and made up his mind it may as well be him, he reached into the hidden pocket of his  
  
leather jacket and began pulling out numerous, useless trinkets. He was beginning to grow frustrated before pulling out a pack of gum  
  
and after staring at it for a long moment, realized that it was the so called "exploding gum" he had bought in Hawaii a few months ago.  
  
He had no idea how it works even though there was only one piece left. The reason being he had given some to Yuffie as a gag and  
  
loaned some to Cid to use on Barret and in turn giving some to Barret to use on Cid. "Well.now looks a better time than ever to try this  
  
stuff." Gabe stood up and pulled out a stick of gum, removing the five layers of wrapping and placing it in his mouth, chewing it for a  
  
few seconds. After a few seconds of this, Gabe took the gum and wrapped it up in the packaging threw it towards the door and stood  
  
back expecting very little from this.  
  
However, to his shock the gum created an explosion large enough to blow the door away. Gabe ran over and stuck his head out the  
  
window seeing two men resembling the cronies from the original Double Dragon coming at him. Gabe pulled small hatchet out of his  
  
jacket and ducking under both of them driving the hatchet into the forehead of one and kicking the other back as he did. In one swift  
  
movement of the hands, he pulled the hatchet out and drove it into the throat of the second as he was getting up. Gabe fell against the  
  
wall and looked to his left and right, to his relief it appeared like no one was coming but he knew his time was short. He searched both  
  
of the men he had just taken out and to his anger found nothing that even resembled a key. He walked over to one of the doors his  
  
cell had been right next to and knocked on softly, hoping whoever was in there would hear him.  
  
"Who's there?" asked a familiar, voice in an unfamiliar loud tone.  
  
"It's me Red.Gabe."  
  
"Gabe? You gotta get me out of here! They're torturing me beyond description!"  
  
"What are they doing?"  
  
"They put me in here.with Yuffie!"  
  
"Those.bastards! Well don't worry.I'm gonna look around for a way to get us out of here so stay calm and don't kill Yuffie.god knows  
  
what your cell will smell like if you do."  
  
"Good point.but hurry man! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!"  
  
"Don't worry," Gabe moved away from the cell and looked down hall to his right and then ran over to the wall and looked beyond it  
  
deciding to go this way. He took a deep breath and tried in vain to overcome the intense feeling of anxiousness that was making it  
  
nearly impossible to walk and think on the plan of consciousness he needed to be at.  
  
With his heart pounding, Gabe began to walk down the hallway, drawing on his knowledge of ninja movies to walk with ninja like stealth  
  
or as best he could manage. He had made it about half way down the hall when he heard what sounded like an evil cackle, but sounded  
  
too feminine. Gabe turned around and saw that it was Link standing a few feet in front of his, holding his sword in his left hand, and  
  
"Trying to escape huh Mario wouldn't like that."  
  
"Does Mario also like having to listen to that girlish laugh all the time?"  
  
Link's eyes bulged out and his face took on a shade of red, "Hey! At least I'm not dressed like I'm going to reenact Columbine!"  
  
It was now Gabe's turn for his eyes to bulge out and to turn red, "Why don't you say it to my face!"  
  
"I am you dumb ass!"  
  
Gabe was about to retort but stopped, "Well.yeah.I know! I.just meant.to say it closer to my face so I can punch you in the jaw when  
  
you say it!"  
  
Link rolled his eyes, "Right."  
  
"Come on Fairy-Boy! I'll knock your fucking teeth in!"  
  
"We'll see about that!" cried Link charging at Gabe who knew it would be hard to dodge Link since there was little space in the hallway.  
  
Gabe ducked under Link's first attack and kicked him in the back of the head and reached over to grab Link in a combo of sorts. Before  
  
he could however, Link came back around before Gabe could, grabbed the back of his head, and drove his sword into his face.  
  
"Damn.that was almost too easy," he mused. Why couldn't he ever prove himself against opponents that where actually a challenge?  
  
The though burned in his mind as he pulled the sword out of Gabe's face, then threw a phoenix down on him that dated back to 1994  
  
and was about to drag him away but was stopped by a ninja.  
  
"This the one that escaped?"  
  
Link couldn't get over how stupid these ninja's where. He still wondered, usually after a few drinks at the Nintendo cocktail lounge, why  
  
Mario had hired all these morons. "No.I took him out of his cage.let him go, chased him down the hall, caught him, killed him,  
  
brought him back to life and now, I'm going to take him back to his cell."  
  
"Good! You know.you Nintendo guys aren't nearly as washed up as us boys say when we're drinking."  
  
"I'm glad to know I have your love and support," replied Link trying really hard not to roll his eyes.  
  
"Love? Ewww man I ain't no fag!"  
  
"Of course not." Link sighed loudly, "I'm taking him back now."  
  
"Wait, I was sent here to tell you that this guy is to be taken to one of the new cells we just put in."  
  
"The ones with the electric walls?'  
  
"Duh! NOW who's the stupid one?"  
  
At that moment, Link's tolerance of the ignorant, barely aware pond scum ninja's that where his co-workers turned to a need for some  
  
kind of retribution for months of headaches at the hands of these ninja's. With his right hand still clutching the back of Gabe's shirt,  
  
Link pulled out his sword and drove it into the chest of the ninja. For added retribution, Link sent a fireball through the sword. As Link  
  
stood giving a moment to savor the feeling, Ryu from Ninja Gaiden came into the hallway from the room to the left. "Hey, Link what  
  
happened here?"  
  
"Oh man! It was fucking terrible! This guy escaped, got a hold of my sword, and killed this ninja! The poor kid.his sacrifice in the name  
  
of our company will never be forgotten."  
  
"Right.let's take this guy to jail so we can head down the 90th floor strip club. Samsus is dancing tonight!"  
  
"Kick ass."  
  
Back at the Mayor's Mansion.  
  
"Wow Barret.you look beat!" exclaimed Cait Sith.  
  
"I know.I was in Corel City all day.interviewing for a job."  
  
"What job?"  
  
"I'll tell ya later.I need to go have a shower."  
  
"Wait! Don't use that showe-"  
  
"Cait.I don't even wanna hear it," Barret walked to the door, opened it and stepped in. A moment later, he let out a long girlish scream  
  
and ran out. A moment later, Aeris and Cloud stumbled out trying to wrap towels around her body, though it was partially unnecessary  
  
for Aeris since she was wearing what looked like a cheerleaders outfit.  
  
Cait watched all the chaos going on around him and leaned back in his moggle wondering how Tifa and the others where doing.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
Okay. Thanks for reading and please give me your honest opinions in this I mean the impending Tifa/Gabe realtionship which I have  
  
been building to since issue five. Thanks to one of FF.NET's top writers Lotuss Tears for editing and help with rewriting. I have a ton of  
  
stuff in the wings so keep your eyes open and one more thing, this and all other sagas to come in my FF7 series will be published  
  
under one story for each saga. Therefore all stories in this saga will be published under the same story to comply with FF.NET's  
  
chaptering. Thanks for reading and be sure to review.  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#13-Escape from the land of the fat plumber  
  
Part three in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
With editing and rewriting assistance by Lotuss Tears  
  
Disclaimer: With the exception of Gabe and the ship 7th Heaven.nothing in this belongs to me so don't sue.  
  
  
  
  
  
Since this is a 12 issue saga, I decided to step it up a little in writing my ff7 fan fics and knock off a couple parts before moving on to  
  
my upcoming Shawshank Redemption and my new Tenchi Muyo! Fan fic. So no real announcements here so sit back and enjoy.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Son.of a bitch," Gabe muttered to himself for the 11th time. He was feeling angry and frustrated (and after trying to escape again, a  
  
little stupid) as he stared at the door to his new cell. To anyone who would see it from afar it would appear as if someone forgot to add  
  
a door to the cell. Gabe knew better after trying to walk through and finding out there was an invisible electric barrier where the door  
  
should be, giving a rather cruel jolt of pain for anyone who tried to walk through. Gabe knew either one of the other guys or himself  
  
would have to escape and get word to Cloud. At that point however, that was a rather unlikely possibility.  
  
He stood up but with the pain in his forehead it really wasn't the best course of action. He walked over to the door and in a single  
  
moment of incredible absurdity, raised his hands upward like a demented magician and cried out, "Electric shield be gone!" then stood  
  
back and to his shock, heard a distinct, close by sound of something shorting out. With extreme caution, Gabe moved his right hand  
  
towards the open doorway and instead of the sharp pain of an electrical jolt, Gabe felt only air. "Oh my god.I-"  
  
"Gabe!" came the sharp, sudden tone of Vincent; "You didn't get the electric shield to disappear by screaming at it! Now hurry the hell  
  
up and get out here!" Gabe stepped out of the cell and saw Vincent, Bruce Willis, Tifa, and the others.  
  
"How'd you guys get out?" asked Gabe.  
  
"I think you betta ask me that," came an Italian accent that sounded like Mario's but not as deep. After a moment, Luigi stepped from  
  
out of the shadows and stood next to Bruce Willis.  
  
"You?! You're Mario's brother! Why the hell would you help us?"  
  
"I know what Mario is doing is wrong.he's been losing for so long that he came to a point where he decided that THIS was the only way  
  
he'd get salvation.rather then simply focus on making decent games. He must be stopped.at all costs, even if it's my own life." Luigi  
  
reached into his suspenders and pulled out a card, handing it to Tifa, "This will get you into any part of the building you want. If you  
  
can't defeat Mario here then get out of here and do what ya gotta do. I know for a fact that on tha 18th floor is your ship which was  
  
recovered and rebuilt. I wish I could do more but-"  
  
"You could kill Mario for us," suggested Yuffie.  
  
Luigi scowled at her, "But I can't. Evil or not I can't and won't kill my own brother. I am still trying to destroy this from the inside and  
  
besides, I don't think I have much time anyway."  
  
Yuffie put on her pouty face and turned to Vincent, "It was a good idea wasn't it Vinny?"  
  
Vincent leaned down and kissed her head, "Of course it was Yuffie-bear."  
  
"Can we leave them here?" asked Red making a disgusted face.  
  
"Sadly no." replied Gabe.  
  
Vincent looked down at Red, "What? All I did was kiss her head."  
  
"I know.it's just that every time I see someone being affectionate to Yuffie it makes my stomach hurt."  
  
"Perhaps you're in love with her and don't even know it." Suggested Vincent.  
  
"Vincent, I swear to god I'm going to tear your fucking face o-"  
  
"Perhaps we should consider getting out of here?" asked Gabe stepping in between the three. No one said anything but looked away.  
  
Tifa shook her head then turned back to Luigi, "Thank you.we wont forget this."  
  
"Sure.can I ask ya a favor before ya go?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Think I could get some head? Seeing how I may not live out the day and everything."  
  
Tifa was a little surprised to hear this from the man who had just saved their lives. Having been asked this at least twice a day at the  
  
bar she normally would have kicked some pervert ass. She then decided that under the circumstances she would handle this with a little  
  
more class, "Sorry.but I can give you the name and number of a girl that would be willing to do it.for free even."  
  
"Really? Who?"  
  
"Aeris Gainsborough.numbers 834 224-"  
  
"Tifa let's go!"  
  
She sighed. This would have been a great way to pay Aeris back for "accidentally" taping over the episode of Walker: Texas Ranger she  
  
had recorded the previous night. "Sorry," she apologized to Luigi before turning and running down the hall with the rest.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
"Well, well.it would appear that we have a traitor in our midst," commented Link watching the TV monitors with Mario.  
  
"I've known about him for several months," replied Mario.  
  
"You have? Really? Why haven't you done anything? He could have destroyed everything we-er you have been working on!"  
  
"Luigi? You must be joking. Luigi foolishly went to Donkey Kong for help when he should have known he wouldn't betray me. Luigi has  
  
been able to do very little since he knew he was being watched most of the time." Mario coughed into his glove and cleared his throat.  
  
His mouth felt dry and he could really use a drink.  
  
"So what do you want us to do?" asked Link.  
  
"I suppose I can no longer ignore my dear brother so bring him to me. As for the others.do not let them leave this building alive."  
  
"No problem.by the way you look a little angrier then usual. What's wrong?"  
  
"Did you see the Oscars last night?" asked Mario. Glad that someone finally asked him.  
  
"No.heard Steve Martin did a bang-up job presenting though."  
  
"He did.the whole show wasn't too bad really.except one thing. One thing that brought the entire show down and never let it recover."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Julia Roberts.won best actress."  
  
Link's jaw dropped, "Dear god no."  
  
"I agree.it was horrible. A fool could see that Julia Roberts is a horribly untalented three dollar slut." Mario, for a moment appeared to  
  
be lost in a shock that hadn't worn off since the show last night. Finally, he shook his head to pull himself out of it and returned to his  
  
stern, angry Italian glare. A glare he regretted never being able to use in his games. "Go get Luigi."  
  
"Sure thing," Link turned and ran out of the office.  
  
Back to the heroes.  
  
"Wow.this place is huge," commented Bruce.  
  
Red XIII, who was pacing beside Bruce and was behind Tifa, Vincent, and Yuffie, nodded. "I agree.it's even larger then the Tower of  
  
Nightmares (see: The Tower Of Really Bad Stuff).  
  
"That sounds about right," said Gabe who was walking behind everyone else and looking around in all directions.  
  
"Does anyone have any clue what so ever as to where we are and perhaps, where we should go?" Asked Vincent holding Yuffie's hand  
  
the way a boyfriend would if he was walking though someone's property after dark and the girl he was with got scared.  
  
"No," replied everyone in unison.  
  
"Great," replied Vincent.  
  
"Grand."  
  
"Wonderful."  
  
Vincent scowled at Gabe and Red XIII, "This is NOT a Chris Farley movie!"  
  
"It's not?" asked Gabe feigning shock, as if there was such a possibility. The group soon came to a dead end with a door in front of  
  
them, to their right and to their left.  
  
"Which way should we go?" asked Tifa.  
  
"How about right?" suggested Yuffie who wanted to be helpful.  
  
"Let's go left then," said Gabe taking the key card from Tifa, reaching out and sliding it into the slot next to the door handle and  
  
opening the door.  
  
"I have a feeling my opinion doesn't matter," remarked Yuffie walking in.  
  
"You JUST realized that," said Bruce walking though the door ahead of her.  
  
"Bruce," began Vincent. "I admire your movies and all but you insult my girlfriend one more time and I'm gonna have to take you  
  
down."  
  
Bruce stopped in the doorway, turned around, and gave Vincent his trademark glare, "Really?"  
  
Vincent lost his nerve after a good minute and looked away, "Nope.I was just kidding. Pretty stupid joke huh?"  
  
"Horrible," replied Bruce off handily finally walking through the door.  
  
"Funny how Vincent only reacts when celebrities make fun of Yuffie," observed Tifa as they surveyed the new room that they had  
  
entered. It was pretty much like the hallway, endless and very modern. Only this time the walls where packed with a variety of weapons  
  
that seemed to stretch on for miles.  
  
"Not true," countered Gabe. "He shot me in the leg once for something Yuffie related." Gabe looked down at his leg which still had a  
  
brace on it to correct his bad limp and felt pissed off about the whole thing all over again.  
  
"But that was when you raped Yuffie."  
  
"God damn it Vincent! I didn't rape that thieving whore!"  
  
"That's not what she said."  
  
"Cause she's a fucking liar!"  
  
By now, everyone else had begun to get a closer look at the vast array of guns, swords, knives and so on and where ignoring the  
  
growing tensions between Vincent, Yuffie and Gabe. Gabe eventually gave up his argument and joined Tifa in looking at the various  
  
weaponry.  
  
"This is pretty," exclaimed Tifa picking up a gunblade and studying its features.  
  
Gabe shook his head, "Okay Julia Roberts."  
  
"What?! Just because that talentless bimbo won best actress at the Oscars doesn't mean you have to snap at me."  
  
Gabe took the gunblade from her and began looking at it; "This is a pretty cool. I think I'll use it for any fights we get into," Gabe held  
  
the gunblade out at arms length and took a couple practice swings. The weapon made virtually no sound as it cut through the air. The  
  
thought of how hard he had fallen in his battle with Link was still in Gabe's mind and he wanted to be ready the next time it happened.  
  
"What do you need a weapon for? You're the author. You could just snap your fingers and Mario would explode."  
  
"True.but I really have no idea what's going to happen next either. I just let these write themselves and keep that fan fic authors  
  
power for when I really need it. I'm hoping this eliminates things like foregone conclusions."  
  
"Oh," Tifa who had never written much outside of what she had been forced to write in school only nodded and continued to look at  
  
weapons. Gabe was not the only one who chose to borrow some of the weapons. Yuffie grabbed several shurikens, Bruce Willis grabbed  
  
what looked like a cross between a machine gun circa 1920's and an AK-47 and to round out the one sided pot luck, Vincent picked up a  
  
sleeker more sophisticated version of the shotgun he had been carrying for most of his life.  
  
"We should totally kick ass now with these new weapons," beamed Yuffie admiring the shurikens.  
  
"One would hope," answered Bruce Willis. "So where do we go from here?"  
  
"Well, I'm guessing this hallway of guns goes on for quite a ways so we should just take one of those other doors outside," suggested  
  
Red XIII. After a general agreement amongst the group, the six walked back towards the door and opened it. Gabe, who was in front,  
  
stopped cold at what he saw upon opening the door. His complexion suddenly turning more pale then usual and his heart began  
  
pounding. Covering most of the hallway behind the three doors was a small army of masked ninja's. To make matters worse, the  
  
ninja's had a large, varying supply of guns as every ninja was holding at least two guns.  
  
Gabe, hoping he hadn't been seen, threw himself back in and stopped Vincent from going to check why Gabe had leapt back inside.  
  
"What the hell is wrong?" asked Bruce.  
  
"There's a few dozen.dozen.dozen ninja's outside."  
  
Bruce's expression at that moment, regained it's original bad ass demeanor. "Armed with guns?"  
  
"Y-yeah. How'd you know?"  
  
"I dealt with this in Die Hard 4: Tokyo Terror. I know exactly what to do."  
  
"Thank god.what?"  
  
"Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye."  
  
"Great," moaned Yuffie. "We're doomed!" At this moment Yuffie was greatly wishing she could fulfill her secret desire to own at least  
  
one Smiths album before she died. She also wished she had gotten to get in at least one more session of Mistress Ivana with Vincent.  
  
"Just kidding," grinned Bruce. He appeared to enjoy scaring people in these type of scenarios. "It's actually pretty standard stuff. Tifa,  
  
take a look along the weapons and see if you can find me some smoke bombs or something similar." Tifa said she would and not  
  
surprisingly returned a minute later with four smoke bombs reasoning that she didn't know how many Bruce Willis had wanted. Bruce  
  
looked them over and assured her that would be enough. By now everyone had figured out what to do except for Yuffie.  
  
"Okay.now we're going to have the most expendable character amongst us to run out ahead of everyone and throw the smoke  
  
bombs." On cue, everyone looked at Yuffie and it was obvious a nearly unanimous decision had been reached.  
  
Yuffie was not surprising somewhat opposed to the unspoken decision, "Come on! Can't we draw straws or something?"  
  
"I guess." replied Gabe.  
  
"Yuffie fans around the world are already going to be rioting so we may as well save a few TV sets," Tifa remarked producing some  
  
straws from her shirt.  
  
"You have straws in your shirt?" asked Red XIII looking up at Tifa.  
  
"It's quite surprising what I keep in here."  
  
"Let's just get this over with," muttered Vincent who had a top-secret plan in mind that he would put into action should Yuffie lose out  
  
again. Within a couple of minutes everyone in the group had chosen a straw and now looked to see who had gotten the losing straw.  
  
"I don't fucking believe this."  
  
"Wow." exclaimed Yuffie. "Red lost!"  
  
"How in the hell am I going to throw four smoke bombs?!"  
  
Bruce Willis began to think quickly and came to a solution after recalling something either Cloud or Cait Sith had told him once. "I think  
  
I have an idea."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well.I remember being told once that there is no one in the known world who can.break wind like you can."  
  
"Please tell me you're not proposing what I think you are," pleaded Red who knew well in his mind what he had in mind.  
  
"Eat the smoke bomb and run out there.blazing.they won't know what hit em."  
  
Red opened his mouth to protest but shut it quickly and knew it was futile. Red stuffed the smoke bombs down his throat and waited for  
  
a moment. Before long, a deep cavern-like rumble emanated from his stomach and Red knew what came next. He made his way to the  
  
door and turned back to the others who where ready to jump out as soon as Red opened fire. "Is this all really necessary? I mean, we  
  
could get the same affect if we all just ran out and fired guns as we run for the door."  
  
Bruce looked at Red as if he had just asked why no one likes Regis Philbin, "You just don't understand ANYTHING do you?"  
  
Red felt embarrassed and looked down, he couldn't hold in the gas much longer, "I guess I don't."  
  
"It can't be helped.ready?"  
  
"No."  
  
"That's the spirit! Go!" Bruce threw open the door and Red bolted out, letting out a horrendous barrage of farts that sounded like an  
  
AK-47 that had been hooked up to speakers the size of skyscrapers. Gabe was finding a new found respect for Red as he followed  
  
everyone else out and quite nearly passed out from the smell which he noticed was actually melting the metal on the wall. He saw  
  
everyone dart into the door across from the one they had just left and not knowing where it went followed.  
  
Gabe heard the door shut behind them and looked around, relieved to see that everyone including Red had made it okay.  
  
"That was fairly disturbing," said Vincent.  
  
"Quite.did anyone survive?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Tifa looked ahead and felt a wave of relief and excitement, "Look an elevator! We can get to the 18th floor now!"  
  
"Not yet!" came a razor sharp tone.  
  
"What now?" asked Vincent out loud turning around with the others to see Ryu who was also known as Ninja Gaiden and Conker the  
  
squirrel.  
  
"It's going to take a lot more than intense farting to kill me!" gloated Ryu drawing his ninja sword that appeared to have been crafted  
  
thousands of years ago with the finest metals and materials. It was the type of sword a collector would give up his fortune for.  
  
"We'll see." said Gabe who was eager to give his new gun blade a real test run other than the one he had earlier with the air.  
  
"BARAKACHAK!!!!!" screamed Conker leaping upwards and landing on Tifa's breasts and began punching at her face while bouncing up  
  
and down on her bust as if it where a trampoline. Gabe stepped forward to help her then cocked his head back and saw Ryu handling  
  
everyone else with little effort and ran over to help.  
  
"BARAKACHAK! BARAKACHAK!" screamed Conker who was still punching Tifa in the face over and over again then suddenly changed  
  
course and dove his face down to Tifa's breasts and tearing most of the front of her shirt off.  
  
"You little fucking pervert!!" screamed Tifa finally able to knock Conker off of her but not before he shred the rest of her thin fabric shirt  
  
off. She tried in vain to cover her breasts with her hand but realized it was useless and felt incredible anger surging through her. "Let's  
  
see how you like this!" cried Tifa who charged at Conker and sent him flying with a Final Heaven.  
  
Vincent, who had just been knocked back by Ryu looked up and saw Conker coming his way. Reacting with killer speed, Vincent spun his  
  
new shotgun in his hand, aimed it, and fired once sending several pieces of Conker falling in various places.  
  
Gabe saw Ryu looking over to Vincent while he battled them and was almost certain that Ryu was smiling through his ninja mask. Gabe  
  
saw Bruce Willis open up a round from his machine gun/AK-47 cross and saw his chance, he clutched the gun blade in his hand and  
  
brought it down in Ryu's direction cutting down on the cloth on his shoulder and into the skin ever so slightly. Ryu showed no sign of  
  
pain and swung at Gabe which proved to be a grave mistake as Red XIII nailed him with a Blood Fang when he swung and Yuffie sent  
  
him crashing to the cold, steel floor with Bloodfest  
  
Ryu leaned against the wall, looking up and seeing that battle wise they had him. He cursed his moment of carelessness and pulled  
  
himself up and at that second, appreciated how much power was in the attacks that Yuffie and Red XIII had just inflicted on him. He  
  
forced himself to laugh in an attempt to save face, "Not bad.Mario may have underestimated you all.I can promise you that we will  
  
meet again." Ryu raised his arm in the air and when he brought it down, there was a loud popping sound and smoke began to rise up  
  
all around him. The smoke faded away almost instantly and when it had, Ryu was gone and with the exception of the blood on the  
  
floor, you could never have known he was here.  
  
"Let's get the hell out of here before-" Bruce's words where cut short when the lights went out and where replaced with a flashing red  
  
light that blended in well with the darkness. Everyone heard the sound of footsteps and knew their time to escape had mere seconds  
  
left in it. They ran into the elevator and stepped in, realizing that it was a glass elevator and not paying more than a moments notice  
  
and hitting the button for the 18th floor just as a second small army of ninjas came into view.  
  
"We made it!" exclaimed Tifa throwing her arms around Gabe and taking him completely by surprise. Vincent and Yuffie took a similar  
  
cue and began making out like rabid dogs.  
  
At that moment Gabe thought he would finally get to finish what he had started the other day when he heard the sound of a helicopter  
  
and knew the sound of it was too close for comfort. The potential kiss was once again interrupted and everyone looked and saw a  
  
helicopter with the words Nintendo on the side.  
  
"Duck!" snapped Bruce Willis throwing himself down.  
  
Yuffie looked excited, "Duck? Where? All I see is some stupid-ow!" Yuffie yelped as Vincent grabbed her and pulled her to the ground  
  
with him. Sure enough, the helicopter opened fire and destroyed most of the glass elevator in less then a round. Bruce aimed his gun  
  
and began firing. Unfortunately, the firing created a small explosion on the front of the elevator as it continued to slowly move up and  
  
Bruce as well as Tifa flew forward and disappeared from the elevator.  
  
Horrible panic infested everyone as Gabe crawled over to the edge while Vincent and Red XIII held off the helicopter. Gabe peered over  
  
the edge and saw Bruce hanging on to the edge with as little of his hand as possible. It was obvious to see that his grip was growing  
  
weaker by the second as below him was Tifa hanging onto his foot for dear life. The helicopter continued to fire and amazingly missed  
  
Bruce and Tifa. Gabe grabbed Bruce's hand but knew he could do little else as the gunfire was making it impossible to do anything.  
  
Suddenly, the gunfire stopped. Bruce, Gabe and, Tifa turned and saw that the gun had been frozen thanks to an ICE3 spell from Red  
  
XIII and three shots from Vincent sent the copter bursting into flames and plummeting to the ground below. As Gabe with the help of  
  
Vincent pulled Tifa and Bruce up, the elevator came to an abrupt stop and a cheery, robotic voice informed them that the elevator had  
  
reached the 18th floor and told them to have a nice day.  
  
Everyone not affording time to get their bearings, ran off of the elevator and stopped dead in their tracks as they saw that they where in  
  
some sort of hangar. "So, where the hell is our ship?" asked Vincent.  
  
"I dunno.come on we don't have a hell of a lot of time so let's hurry up and look," Bruce pulled out a 9 mm and ran down ahead of  
  
everyone else. He knew there would be a few guards up here and was ready to take them down without hesitation. Sure enough, he saw  
  
two men who had probably had a lot of roles in side scrolling fighting games and shot them both once each. He saw another one  
  
coming towards him and did the same.  
  
Tifa, Red, and Gabe found their ship a couple minutes later. Amazingly, it had been completely repaired and looked even better then  
  
when Cid had built it. It even had two machine guns on the left and right side of it. Bruce, Vincent, and Yuffie joined them and together,  
  
they got on board their ship but not before Vincent gunned down three more men. The six ran to the bridge where they saw to their  
  
surprise a man dressed in a mechanics suit standing near the controls with a wrench.  
  
Everyone knew this could work to their advantage and Gabe was the first to act. Drawing his gun blade and pointing it at the mechanic.  
  
"You know how to fly this well?"  
  
"I-I-I guess," stammered the mechanic who two minutes ago had decided to have cheeseburgers for lunch while he made some last  
  
minute adjustments to this ship that was brought in yesterday.  
  
Bruce joined Gabe and pointed the 9mm at the mechanic. Although it was not necessary, Vincent did the same, "Then you need to take  
  
those controls and get us out of here or you're going to become the worlds ugliest piece of Swiss cheese.  
  
"G-Gotcha," the mechanic was a good two steps away from having a bowel accident of some sort but grabbed the controls and reached  
  
down with his right hand and switched the controls on. Before anyone realized it the ship was ready to go and began to fly towards the  
  
wall which had a closed door outlined in it. "You don't expect me to fly through this wall do you?!"  
  
"That's part of the idea," replied Tifa. Gabe looked out the window and saw several ninjas, flying turtles, thugs and several armored pigs  
  
with swords running in vain towards them and then turned back to the front window to see the ship picking up speed and drawing closer  
  
and closer to the wall.  
  
"I don't know if this ship can take this!" cried the mechanic.  
  
"Just fly the damn thing!" snapped Bruce Willis. The mechanic gulped loudly and pushed the controls forward adding more speed to the  
  
ship which introduced itself to the wall and went right through it and reemerged on the outside of the skyscraper making it's course as  
  
far away from Nintendo tower as humanly possible.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Mario watched the ship blasting away from Nintendo towers and felt his heart sink. He berated himself for not questioning them sooner  
  
and was now in the throes of self-pity when Dr. Wily made his way into the office smiling an eerie grin. Mario looked at him and felt  
  
incredibly angry, "And why the fuck are you so god damn happy?"  
  
"Ah.that's right.I forgot to tell you. When we salvaged the wreckage of their ship we where able to save information from it.including  
  
where the ship has been since it was first activated."  
  
A new hope engulfed Mario, "You mean.we know where they came from?"  
  
"That's correct."  
  
"Fantastic! The all out attack can proceed as planned but first.send up my dear brother."  
  
"Yes sir," Dr. Wily turned and walked out slowly. Mario stood up, formed a fireball in his right hand, and in one swift motion, threw it at  
  
one of the dozens of TV monitors. As the smoke rose from the destroyed monitor, Mario threw back his head and laughed.  
  
Back at the Mayors Mansion in New Nibelheim.  
  
"Man.that was a bad day," groaned Cloud out loud walking into the rec. room where he was greeted by Aeris who gave him a wifely  
  
kiss. She sat down with him on the couch where Cid was playing Unreal Tournament against Barret and Stone Cold Steve Austin while  
  
Shera watched from a chair with Marlene.  
  
Cait Sith was sitting at the far end of the couch with a guitar in his hands, "Hey Cloud!" he greeted with an annoyingly high voice. "Guess  
  
what I've decided to become?"  
  
"Something that involves you leaving?"  
  
"Ha ha Cloud.good one! No really, what I've decided to be is a parody singer!"  
  
"A parody singer."  
  
"Yeah! Just like Weird Al! I've even written my first song wanna hear it?"  
  
"No not really."  
  
"Okay.if you insist.here goes to the tune of the Oscar Myer Wiener song."  
  
Oh I was I had a giant penissss  
  
One preferably the size of a tree-e-eeee  
  
Cause if I had a giant penissss  
  
Everyone would be in love with meeeeeeeeeeeee  
  
"So what do ya think?" Cloud opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Cait. "I know it's amazing! I smell a future career!"  
  
"I smell something all right," muttered Barret.  
  
"I better go to my room and write some more! As soon as I get a few more songs down." Cait leapt off the couch and hopped away,  
  
giggling madly at all the future success his song writing career was sure to give him.  
  
"The sad thing is," said Cloud turning to Aeris once Cait had left. "This is probably the highlight of my day."  
  
"That is pretty sad."  
  
Cloud sighed then turned to the screen where Cid had just been gunned down by Austin. "So Cid you're back to normal at last?"  
  
"Yep." he turned to Steve Austin. "And it took you damn long enough!"  
  
Austin looked over at Cid, then rose to his feet and picked up Cid by his goggles, "I think someone needs a lesson in appreciation."  
  
"Nah."  
  
"Only take a minute," Austin dragged Cid away and after a minute the sound of tables and glass breaking and heavy punches could be  
  
heard. As well as the screams and desperate pleas from Cid to not get his ass kicked.  
  
Aeris grabbed Clouds arm and looked down at his watch; "I have to go check something. I'll be back in a minute."  
  
Cloud who had been looking forward to some time alone with Aeris muttered and sighed for a second time, "Okay honey."  
  
After Aeris left Barret looked up, "You wanna get yo ass whooped?"  
  
"Sure," Cloud sat down on the floor, picked up the controller, and began chasing down Barret with evil intentions.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
  
  
Well that's it for part three. I ended up using myself a little more than I would have liked but ah well for those who can't stand myself in  
  
the series, (all 5.99 billion of you) will be glad to know my character won't be in the next part as much which should be up in a couple  
  
weeks time so keep and eye open and as always thanks for reading and thanks to Lotuss Tears for his great editing work.  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#14-Let the battle of incredible absurdity for the sake of the world begin!  
  
Part Four in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: With the exception of Gabe and the ship the 7th Heaven I don't own anything here so don't sue me.  
  
  
  
"What the hell do you want Mario?" asked Luigi after being shoved into Mario's office by Link and Diddy Kong.  
  
"Luigi.my dear brother, I wanted to just say goodbye before we go. Still don't want to come with us?"  
  
"You know damn well the answer to that," replied Luigi coldly.  
  
Mario moved closer to Luigi and without saying another word, created a small fireball and plunged it into Luigi's heart. Mario watched  
  
Luigi's eyes pop open in shock then began to fade rapidly, he would be dead within seconds. He lived long enough to hear his brother  
  
Mario lean down and whisper, "You know how much I hate long good byes so I thought I'd make it short and sweet." Mario stood back  
  
and let Luigi fall to the ground then motioned for Link and Diddy, "Take him down to the lab and freeze him. Who knows? Maybe  
  
there'll be some use for him someday." Link nodded and dragged the body along with Diddy. Mario watched them go then began to get  
  
ready to leave.  
  
  
  
  
  
The next day at the Mayors Mansion in New Nibelheim  
  
  
  
  
  
"You're a fucking sellout."  
  
Stone Cold Steve Austin cast an annoyed glare at Cid and Cait Sith, "It's been almost three months since Wrestlemania and I'd really  
  
like to get on with my career. You didn't even find out about it until yesterday."  
  
"That's because the only loser around here who watches wrestling is Gabe. So Steve, how could you sell your soul like that just to get  
  
the WWF World Title?"  
  
Austin stood up and grabbed Cid by the back of the neck, "I think it's time we had a talk with Mr. Toilet on why bothering Stone Cold  
  
can be hazardous to your health." Cid tried to choke out a desperate explanation of some kind by was dragged away by Austin.  
  
"What about me?" asked Cait in a moment of absent thinking.  
  
"I'll think of something for you if you're stupid enough to be here when I get back," replied Austin before disappearing from the Rec.  
  
room where they had been playing video games. They where actually the only ones in the entire mansion as Cloud was at work, Aeris  
  
was visiting a friend in Midgar, Barret was doing something similar in North Corel. Marlene was in school and Shera was simply no where  
  
to be found.  
  
"Son of a bitch," mumbled Cait hopping off the couch and onto his moggle, "Freeloading bastard won't order me around for long." Cait  
  
hopped out of the room and still made a personal promise to himself. The promise being to extract revenge on the Texas Rattlesnake  
  
at a later date and time.  
  
Meanwhile.on the airship the 7th Heaven.  
  
"Do you two have to make out every seven damn seconds?" asked Bruce Willis who's patience with the constant petting of Vincent and  
  
Yuffie.  
  
Vincent took a break from Yuffie and stared coldly at Bruce, "Do you have to kill someone every seven damn seconds?"  
  
Bruce pulled out his Nine Millimeter and aimed it at Vincent, "Why yes I do.and wouldn't you know it's five.six."  
  
"Will you two just cut it out," roared Red XIII stepping onto the bridge. Red wasn't one for yelling but felt it was necessary in the  
  
situation and he wanted a place under the sun to sleep without actually going outside and the bridge was the best place to do it.  
  
Bruce retracted the gun and it seemingly disappeared from view, "Where's Tifa? I know she was pretty glad to get a shirt on when we  
  
got back last night,""  
  
"Yeah.it was pretty cool to watch Tifa run around with no top on for what? the couple hours between our escape from Nintendo Tower  
  
and the battle with those guys from Nintendo."  
  
"She almost castrated Vincent when we go on board when he asked her if there was a draft."  
  
"That was pretty damn funny."  
  
"The hell it was," Vincent replied under his breath.  
  
"So where is she?"  
  
"I dunno.probably going outside."  
  
"Or to have sex with Gabe."  
  
Everyone stopped and looked back at Yuffie. "Yuffie," began Bruce, "Shut the hell up."  
  
"Sorry." Yuffie lowered her head.  
  
Over in Gabe's room.  
  
"Man.I don't think I'll ever get tired of Mystery Science Theater 3000," mumbled Gabe laughing. His viewing of Manos: The hands of fate  
  
was interrupted with a knock on his door. He groaned and hit pause on his TV then sat up, "It's open." The door opened and before  
  
Gabe could say a word, Tifa walked in and kissed Gabe for several long seconds then broke the kiss. "Ummmmm."  
  
"I just thought if there was any buildup something would go wrong," explained Tifa.  
  
"G-g-good th-thinking," muttered Gabe.  
  
Tifa sat down on the bed and ever so slightly snuggled up to Gabe, "So what are you watching?"  
  
Back to the bridge.  
  
"So what do we do at this point?" asked Red XIII.  
  
Bruce Willis shrugged, "I guess we're heading back to that town we came from,"  
  
"Nibelheim," reminded Vincent.  
  
"Yeah.we're gonna go there and warn Cloud that Nintendo is on it's way. Maybe we can get some people together and have a fighting  
  
chance."  
  
"Are you gonna kill me yet?" asked the pilot who had been abducted from Nintendo Towers based on the unluckiness of happening to  
  
be on board when Bruce Willis, Tifa and the others got on board.  
  
"In the spirit of Star Trek V, no," replied Vincent.  
  
"Undoubtedly, the worst Trek ever," agreed Bruce.  
  
"You watch Star Trek?" asked Vincent.  
  
Bruce's head suddenly jerked up with sudden realization of what he had just said, "Me? Hell no.you saw how much joy I got out of  
  
watching the Enterprise-A blow up when those freaks beamed us up onto their ship."  
  
"You knew which Enterprise it was?" asked Vincent.  
  
Bruce was silent for a moment before storming away, Red looked up from his spot in the corner, "You're a Trekkie?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Sure didn't act like it."  
  
"You know I'm good at suppressing any and all of my emotions."  
  
"We didn't think you could do that anymore."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Especially when you drink. Then it's just funny."  
  
"Hmm," Vincent leaned back and after a moment of staring out the window nearest to him resumed his make out marathon with Yuffie.  
  
Several minutes later.  
  
"Hey!" cried Yuffie banging on the door of Gabe's room. "Get your clothes on and come out here! There's another ship outside!"  
  
Gabe and Tifa both came out a minute, "We weren't having sex Yuffie you moron. We where watching TV."  
  
"Sureeeee," replied Yuffie in an intended obnoxious tone before bolting down the hallway back towards the bridge.  
  
"I say we throw her over the edge," voted Gabe following Yuffie slowly alongside Tifa.  
  
"Nah. So what was Yuffie babbling about?"  
  
"Something about a ship."  
  
"Think its Nintendo?"  
  
"If it is, they followed us AWFULY quick." Neither said another word as they came to the bridge and nearly fell over at what they saw.  
  
Once again.on the bridge.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" cried Yuffie.  
  
"It looks like a spaceship," replied Bruce Willis. "But it's.huge."  
  
"It's the.Yggdrasil from Xenogears! What the hell is it doing here?"  
  
"Should we go on board?" asked Vincent.  
  
"What? The whole ship? Cause we're about 1/10th the size of that thing."  
  
"Sounds about right.hey they're opening up. Should we go in?"  
  
"What the hell.we've had pretty good luck with ships thus far."  
  
"No we didn't...both encounters resulted in death and destruction."  
  
"Shut up Red."  
  
"Too late now." remarked Tifa as the now tiny 7TH Heaven was seemingly swallowed whole by the massive Yggdrasil IV.  
  
Several minutes later.  
  
"So, it IS the ship from Xenogears!" exclaimed Gabe. Xenogears was one of his all time favorite games and to just be on the ship from it  
  
was quite a thrill.  
  
"That's right," replied Fei reaching out and shaking everyone's hands. Behind him where most of the heroes from the game, Fei's wife  
  
Elly, Citan, Bart and, Billy  
  
"So, why did you guys pick us up?"  
  
"It's quite simple," began Citan before Bart interrupted him.  
  
"Great, we're only gonna be here damn near forever."  
  
"Young master," replied Citan with a heavy sigh, "I don't appreciate that."  
  
"Really SHITAN?"  
  
"I told you that's not my name."  
  
"That's your name in the Japanese version right?"  
  
"Well yes but-"  
  
"I rest my case," smirked Bart folding his arms.  
  
"ANYWAY," said Fei loudly. "We knew where you where coming from. We where on out way to attack Nintendo as a matter of fact," Fei  
  
saw the sudden grave expression on the faces of Gabe and the others and sighed, "They're on their way aren't they?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Crap.we're screwed."  
  
"Why? Haven't you been able to recruit anyone?"  
  
"Yep.they're upstairs at the bar. I warn you though it's not terribly impressive." The large group began to make it's way to the bar and  
  
where soon there. Bruce and the others looked at who they had recruited and where speechless. Before them was Jay and Silent Bob,  
  
the two clerks Dante and Randal and Norm Mcdonald as well as the rest of the Xenogears cast, Maria, Rico, Emeralda and Chu-Chu.  
  
Norm was demanding to know where the prostitutes were.  
  
Fei sighed, he seemed to be doing this a lot, "We picked up Jay and Silent Bob who we where TOLD-" he stopped to shoot Bart a glare.  
  
"They where great prophets and we found them outside the Quick Stop and while we picked them out these two," he pointed to Dante  
  
and Randal, "Followed them on."  
  
"More like dragged us on," muttered Dante folding his arms and shaking his head.  
  
"We gots you away from your stressful job. You should thank us," grinned Jay.  
  
"More like push you outside the side of the ship the first we get," replied Randal who also didn't seem to agree with the two stoners.  
  
Fei moved on with the tour and came to Norm, "Him? We found him passed out in the bar.we're not sure how he got on."  
  
Norm popped some aspirin but strangely brightened when he saw Tifa, "At last!" he exclaimed, "A prostitute!" he walked over to Tifa,  
  
"Are you ready for an evening of Norm and dirty sex?"  
  
Tifa took a step back, "First off, I'm not a prostitute."  
  
Norm took another step forward, "Sure you're not!"  
  
Tifa took a second step back, "SECOND OF ALL, " It's daytime. I could give you the number of a free prositi-"  
  
"Tifa, that's not funny anymore," said Gabe.  
  
"So this is it?" said Red XIII, "This as well Cloud and the others is the army we're sending into battle with one of the most powerful  
  
video game empires in the known universe."  
  
"Just about."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"What about the other PSX heroes? Like Lara Croft, Sweet Tooth, Crash Bandicoot and the others?" asked Vincent.  
  
"Would you believe they're ALL on vacation?" replied Rico.  
  
Fei turned around and looked at Rico as if he had just farted in church, "Rico.did I give you permission to speak?"  
  
"No."  
  
"THEN SHUT UP!!"  
  
"Sorry sir," replied Rico lowering his head.  
  
Gabe shook his head, "I thought Rico was your friend."  
  
"He is," answered Maria. "Last weekend Fei and Rico had a drinking contest in which the loser had to be the personal butler of the  
  
winner for a month." Gabe simply nodded.  
  
"So when are we getting into Nibelheim?" asked Yuffie.  
  
"Soon," responded Fei. "Verrrry so-"  
  
"We're here," announced Sigurd walking into the room. He turned to Bart, "And Margie would like to talk to you before you go."  
  
"Sure thing," replied Bart heading off.  
  
"The old ball n chain wants a moment alone eh?" asked Billy.  
  
Bart swung around and stared Billy, "I swear to god Billy, if you say that ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME, I'M GOING TO FEED YOU A  
  
BARTWEISER RECTALLY!!"  
  
Billy put his hand on the gun at his right side, "Try it Cyclops."  
  
"Bart just go!" snapped Fei. Bart appeared to be ready to say something in response to Billy's "Cyclops" comment but instead simply  
  
walked out.  
  
"Can you show us where to go?" asked Fei turning to Tifa.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Emeralda, leave me alone!" cried Elly trying to get away from Emeralda who had been following Elly around for the better part of the  
  
entire day.  
  
"Did you and Elly really adopt her after you got married?" asked Gabe as everyone began to walk off of the Yggdrasil.  
  
"Yes.and it was one of the greatest mistakes of my life. She follows around Elly constantly and refers to her as 'mom'"  
  
"Well you DID adopt her."  
  
"It's still creepy."  
  
"I guess."  
  
Meanwhile.in the office of Cloud Stryfe.  
  
"Ah.what a day," Cloud leaned back in his seat and smiled, "It had been an amazingly quiet day and with a few short hours left to go  
  
he was looking forward to when he could go home and relax. He really loved this job and felt comfortable in the knowledge that nothing  
  
will ever happen.  
  
"Mr. Mayor!" barked a distinctly feminine voice on Cloud's intercom. "There's gotta be like twenty people waiting for you out here!"  
  
Cloud cast an annoyed glance at the intercom, his bliss was now in danger of being squashed. He would do everything he could to get  
  
rid of whoever these twenty people were. He pressed the small lone button on the intercom, "Send em in." The moment these words left  
  
his lips, the two doors burst open and everyone from the Yggdrasil including Norm, Jay, Silent Bob, Dante and Randal.  
  
"What the hell?! Tifa? Gabe? Bruce? Who're these guys?" he motioned to Fei and the others.  
  
"It's a great story," replied Gabe. "Care to tell it Red?"  
  
"What? why me?"  
  
"Because you're the master story teller!"  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"Are not."  
  
"Are too."  
  
"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY!!!!!!!"  
  
Elsewhere.on the main Nintendo ship.  
  
"Well?" asked Mario. "Are we near?"  
  
"Yes," replied Glass Joe, "We'll be there in minutes."  
  
"Good." A moment later, Dr. Wily stepped next to Mario, he had a rather excited look on his face. Mario noticed the look and shot him  
  
a disgusted scowl, "What the hell are you so happy about?"  
  
"I've got an invention in the works.something that could virtually assure our victory!"  
  
"And that would be?"  
  
"I'd like to wait until it's done before I unveil it. Also, I recommend you not kill any of the ff7 heroes.not yet anyway for my invention  
  
will allow you to toy with them and everyone we take down thereafter in a way you never thought possible."  
  
"And why shouldn't I?"  
  
"It's a surprise. You'll have to trust me."  
  
"A surprise/?"  
  
"A surprise."  
  
"A surprise you haven't finished yet."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then what the hell are you doing on the bridge if it's not even done yet?"  
  
"I got lonely," muttered Wily staring at the ground. "I'm the only one in that little lab built onto the ship."  
  
"You're lonely?"  
  
"Very."  
  
"Get back in the damn lab and finish whatever the hell you're working on."  
  
"Okay." with his head still aimed at the ground, Dr. Wily walked off of the bridge.  
  
Mario shook his head and resumed his original activity of looking out the window, "Soon.very soon.Nintendo's vengeance will begin."  
  
Back in New Nibelheim.  
  
"What the hells going on?" asked Barret arriving in the city and seeing everyone outside Clouds building on their way back to the  
  
mansion.  
  
"Barret! Thank god! We're gonna need all the help we can get!" exclaimed Cloud  
  
"What the hell's going on?" asked Barret with serious confusion in his voice.  
  
"Let's all get to the mansion, we'll run the details by you there.  
  
Moving on.to the mansion!  
  
"Wow.that's all pretty fucked up," muttered Barret scratching his head with his gun-arm.  
  
"I know-"  
  
"Cloud! I-I need to speak with you," burst in Aeris who stopped at the large crowd of heroes in Clouds home office.  
  
"Aeris, you're back, look something's going on and-"  
  
"Cloud, there's something I need to tell you," interrupted Aeris.  
  
Cloud rolled his eyes, this was not the best time for Aeris to start flaking out, "What is it?"  
  
"Well-"  
  
Aeris's story was brought to a screeching hault with a tremendous explosion from outside.  
  
"Look's like the party's getting started," remarked Fei.  
  
"That phrase isn't TOO overused," muttered Randal.  
  
"I'd like it duly noted that I wasn't supposed to be here today," remarked Randal.  
  
"Duly noted.for the 7th time."  
  
"Should we mention there's a new clerks fan fic in the Kevin Smith section called Clerk Rats?" asked Randal.  
  
"We should," agreed Dante, "People should read it. They need to know it's in the Kevin Smith section here at-"  
  
"WILL YOU TWO STOP PLUGGING YOUR DAMN FAN FIC AND GET OUTSIDE WITH THE REST OF US!" yelled Elly running out.  
  
"Are we really suited for heavy combat?" asked Dante slowly following. Randal shrugged.  
  
Outside.where the battle of the century (thank you new millennium) is about to take place.  
  
"Man.that thing is almost as big as the Yggdrasil," observed Fei as the large group saw the main Nintendo ship hover over the thriving  
  
town like a dark rain cloud. There were also two much smaller ships to the right and left that appeared to be very similar in design. The  
  
large ship then opened up and about two dozen pods about the size of school buses fell from it and began crashing into buildings and  
  
the ground. Various Nintendo characters began to emerge from it and surrounded Fei, Cloud and all of the others. From above, another  
  
pod, this one much sleeker looking seemed to maneuver it's way to the ground, happening to land right in front of the heroes. The pod  
  
opened and Mario made his way out, bearing a look on his face that suggested victory had already made it's way to Nintendo.  
  
"Well, it seems that you managed to pick up a few people on the way," observed Mario.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait," interrupted Cloud. "I thought you where Italian."  
  
Mario who did not like the first of his many pre-victory speeches to be interrupted with inane questions rolled his eyes, "I AM Italian you  
  
moron.I just don't use the accent."  
  
"Oh," was all Cloud said in reply.  
  
"Anyway, even with these.well I don't know who they are"  
  
"We're the guys you attacked a few days ago you moron," snapped Fei.  
  
He waved his hand towards the Xenogears cast, Norm Mcdonald and the View Askew character, "but still.the end is near and Nintendo's  
  
re-"  
  
"Can we please fight? I don't think anyone really wants to hear this. Especially me and the rest of us who where captured by your  
  
incompetent staff," snapped Gabe pulling out his gun blade.  
  
Mario shrugged, "Whatever. Well, here goes." Mario raised his right hand into the air and upon snapping it, everyone attacked. Link  
  
went straight for Gabe and Cloud and was fighting them both off with amazing ability. Goemon was bouncing around dodging Billy's  
  
repeated attempts to shoot him, Rico began trading punches with Bald Bull, Fei nearly took off Mega Man's head with a combination of  
  
kicks then attacked Sabin one of the many characters that had secretly aligned themselves with Nintendo. Ryu drew his ninja sword and  
  
began attacking Yuffie, causing Vincent to come to her aid and get his mutant arm sliced clean off.  
  
Zangief attacked Tifa who attempted to fell Zangief with a kick to the nuts. Zangief merely looked at her and laughed, "FOOLISH GIRL!  
  
IN RUSSIA OUR TESTICLES ARE MADE OF PURE STEEL!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Tifa shrugged and unleashed Final Heaven on him. Twice.  
  
The second time Zangief crashed to the ground and lay unmoving. Tifa felt better then she had ever felt in a fight this feeling soon  
  
faded as she got into a cat fight with Samsus who had lost most of her armor.  
  
"I'm gonna sever your little fucking head!" cried Cloud taking another swing at Link and not only missing but getting kicked in the jaw  
  
by the girl from Mischief Makers as he missed. Gabe managed to punt her into a building then swinging at Link who blocked the attack  
  
then jumped away from another attack by Cloud. Nearby Stone Cold was stomping the life out of some nameless thug, Jay and Silent  
  
Bob where amazingly holding their own against a small heard of Yoshi's, Dante and Randal where no where to be found and Norm was  
  
stomping the life out of Fido Dido.  
  
Mario watched the fight rage on from the building he was standing on. At this rate, they would most likely take them down within the  
  
hour. That was never really the plan, to simply wipe them out in one cleans swipe would be far too easy. Still, he was leaning more  
  
towards that since he had a lot of grown to cover. Then he remembered Wily babbling about an invention of some kind.and Wily was  
  
not one to babble.unless it was really important. In the end, the notion of having something that could change the face of all his plans  
  
for the better was too much to resist. For now, he would call his troops off and simply keep the others in the knowledge that this was  
  
only a small piece of the power they had been building up.and it indeed was. Mario raised his hand and created one of his many  
  
fireballs, one of the largest he had ever produced and hurled it at the ground. It caused a tremendous explosion and actually got  
  
everyone to stop fighting. Mario muttered a command into the sleeve of his arm and then turned to face the group below him,  
  
"Nintendo! Let's go. This is not the time when we wipe them out." At that moment, a ship came down and all of the remaining Nintendo  
  
people which was all but three got on while small lasers held back any undesirables. Mario waited until the ship rose to his level and  
  
jumped on, smiling cruelly as the ship disappeared into the belly of the main Nintendo ship which instead remained where it was.  
  
A long, tense silence came over everyone who simply stared up at the ship for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Cloud broke the  
  
silence by suggesting they head indoors and plan their next move. Everyone in a slow manner, agreed and made their way towards the  
  
mansion.  
  
A few hours later.  
  
"It's done! It's done!" exclaimed Dr. Wily rushing into Mario's personal quarters.  
  
"This invention of yours?" asked Mario. "Let's see it then."  
  
"All right.when we analyzed the FF7 characters we caught I made an interesting discovery. The true power lies in Gabe Ricard who  
  
seems to poesess the fan fic authors power.the ultimate power."  
  
Mario scoffed, "If he's so powerful why doesn't he just destroy us all."  
  
"Very few ever actually use it to it's fullest extent.Mr. Ricard hardly uses it at all."  
  
"So what does this matter? This seems more like bad news to me."  
  
"Oh but its not I assure you. You see, I have managed to figure out how to simply take this power and harness it into a single and  
  
simple object."  
  
"What object?"  
  
Wily held up a what looked like a rubrics cube. Except it was sleek black, "This, contains Mr.Ricard finger prints and when activated will  
  
drain him of the power?"  
  
Mario was genuinely impressed, "How did you make that thing?"  
  
"Sorry. A true mastermind never reveals his secrets. With this, you'll be the most powerful man in the universe!"  
  
At that moment based on the information Mario had read, an idea came to him. A brilliant idea. "It wont be given to me. Not yet  
  
anyway."  
  
"What?! then who?"  
  
"This time it's my turn to say it's a surprise. Get someone to bring me a phone book."  
  
"A phone book?"  
  
"Did I stutter?"  
  
"No.I'll get it."  
  
  
  
"And Wily?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I have a few ideas for some modifications.something to insure my idea won't backfire."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Excellent," Mario took a moment to laugh evil like before going into the modifications he had in mind.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
That's it for part four. There's still a good ways to go, but I plan to work solely on this (With the small exception of a project I have in  
  
mind) over the summer so hopefully I'll be able to get through this little epic of mine. Thanks for reading and as always I welcome any  
  
and all comments.  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#15  
  
Revenge is a dish best served-bah you know the rest  
  
Part five in the Nintendo strikes back saga.  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Gabe.so go away.  
  
  
  
  
  
Here it is.part five already. I'm trying to buckle down and get through this little saga as it's still got at least six or seven stories left to  
  
go. These little intros are pretty short so sit back and enjoy.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Do you guys ever hang out anywhere else?" asked Billy. "You live in a mansion!" Billy was sitting on a second couch with numerous  
  
others as Avalanche, Xenogears cast, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Norm Mcdonald, Bruce Willis, Dante Hicks and Randal Graves as well as  
  
Jay and his hetero life mate Silent Bob.  
  
Cloud turned back and looked at Billy quizzically, "We do have rooms we sleep in." Billy said nothing and nodded.  
  
"What are gonna do?" questioned Fei for the 4th time that nigh in the midst of choking down his 11th cheeseburger a number that  
  
didn't impress neither Barret or Rico (who still had to commend Fei on it anyway).  
  
"That's what I wanna know," agreed Cid. "We got a ship the size of two Midgars hanging above us with a bunch of guys on board bent  
  
on killing us. We can't hide here forever. That's for damn sure."  
  
"What an amazing observation!" exclaimed Bart with blatant sarcasm. "Does six thousand years of smoking bring about this incredible  
  
insight?"  
  
Cid smiled as he felt a confrontation coming on and stood up to go eyes to eye with Bart who also rose sensing an oncoming fight, "I  
  
could kick your ass so hard you'd be pulling butt hairs out of your teeth for the rest of your life."  
  
Cloud rolled his eyes, "Will you two just quit? I think I speak for everyone here when I say that these fights are getting a little on the  
  
annoying side."  
  
"Yeah.nothing more repetitive then the same two people fighting over and over again," said Aeris.  
  
"Brilliant insight flower slut," said Tifa walking into the room  
  
"Eat shit and die mega-tits!" retorted Aeris.  
  
"At least I have tits,"  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"THAT'S IT!" Tifa was about to spear Aeris but Gabe snared her and dragged her out of the room.  
  
At that point Norm who had had little success scoring with any of the girls in either groups walked over to try and help with the peace  
  
process. "Yeah.come on you guys. Why don't we-"  
  
Both Bart and Cid who where not Norm fans collectively shoved him to the ground, "Back off," they both snapped in unison. The two  
  
returned to their confrontation.  
  
"I see only one way to settle this," said Bart squinting.  
  
"That is?"  
  
"A drinking contest."  
  
"Sounds good. Hope your ready to lose."  
  
"I should be asking you that," replied Bart.  
  
Stone Cold by now had risen to his feet and stepped between the two, like Norm and was confident that no one would try to do to him  
  
what they had done to Norm, "I'll ref.besides I haven't had a beer in damn near forever."  
  
"You had a beer twenty minutes ago," interjected Aeris.  
  
"To me that's damn near forever." He returned to Bart and Cid, "kitchen.let's go." The two nodded and left the room with the Texas  
  
Rattlesnake.  
  
"So who's your pick?" asked Maria to no one in particular. The majority of the votes went to Bart who's drinking was legendary in any  
  
part of the world he visited.  
  
"You're going with Cid?" asked Citan to Barret.  
  
Barret who had engaged in several beer and shot contests (the shot contests being of whatever type of hard liquor happened to  
  
dominate the mansion at the moment in time. Usually Vodka.) Knew that Cid had an amazing tolerance level for a rapid aging man  
  
and that Bart's biggest mistake would be to underestimate him.  
  
"Fuck! I can't believe I lost!" Bruce threw the Playstation 2 controller to the ground and stared at Cait Sith who had just bested Bruce for  
  
the 2nd time at DOA 2 which was the game of the month.  
  
"Oh believe it my friend," grinned Cait. "Who's next?" no one volunteered. Cait made a cat-like whining sound, "No one?" once again  
  
he was ignored. "Well what about Gabe? Where's he? And where's Tifa?" Cait had not seen where Tifa and Gabe had gone.  
  
"Having sex with Tifa," replied Yuffie.  
  
"Yuffie." began Cloud, "shut up." He laughed at the very idea and took a sip of his drink.  
  
"I'm serious! They're a couple now!"  
  
"I'm afraid Yuffie is correct," said Vincent.  
  
Cloud upon hearing Yuffie's statement echoed from someone he knew never lied to him about things like this nearly spat the contents  
  
of his drink out, this was news to him and to anyone else who had not been on the 7th heaven with them. "Since when?!"  
  
"A couple of days ago."  
  
"Wow." muttered Barret, "Who would have thought?"  
  
Aeris noticed Cait attempting to sneak off with a video camera in hand but reached out and yanked him towards her, "No you don't!"  
  
"Come on Vinny," said Yuffie standing up. "Let's go someplace where WE can be alone."  
  
"Sounds good," agreed Vincent taking Yuffie by the hand and pretty much leading her out with sinister intentions no doubt running  
  
through his mind.  
  
"I still can't believe.Gabe.and Tifa," murmured Cloud.  
  
"Yeah.pretty strange," agreed Fei. "Video games are getting a little on the boring side. Any movies?"  
  
"Sure," replied Cloud.  
  
"Let's watch-"  
  
Every member of Avalanche cut Cait off at the past, "No porn Cait." Cait muttered a string of obscenities and didn't say a word for the  
  
remainder of the night. Content to sulk the entire evening. Gabe soon entered.  
  
"Where's Tifa?" asked several at once some trying to be suggestive and failing miserably.  
  
Gabe shrugged, "I think she went down to the 7th Heaven to get a drink."  
  
"What's the drink for?" several of those in the room asked at once. A few less where trying for the suggestive route but it was still pitiful  
  
all around.  
  
"To drink I would imagine. Or it could be for the hours and hours of kinky sex we're going to have. Jesus, you guys are so blatantly  
  
obvious."  
  
"So?" came a unison reply.  
  
"You people are so fucking immature," muttered Gabe storming out.  
  
  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
"He's here," announced Ryu (From Ninja Gaiden) stepping into Mario's makeshift office. Dr. Wily was in the office with him as well.  
  
"Send him in then!" snapped Mario annoyed.  
  
Ryu nodded and walked to the door, "Come in here please."  
  
"About fucking time," came a sharp tone.  
  
"Do you really think this is a good idea?" asked Wily quickly.  
  
"Yes,"  
  
"You the guy who called me?" Mario and Wily looked up and saw Alice Cooper walk in with Courtney Love hanging off his arm with a  
  
bottle of cheap whiskey dangling from her left hand.  
  
"That would be me," said Mario standing up and shaking Alice's hand. "Welcome to my ship.I'm glad you could stop by."  
  
"Sure.so let's just cut to the chase here."  
  
"Yes, let's."  
  
"What do you want me here for?"  
  
"How would you like to help me destroy the people you hate the most?"  
  
"REO Speedwagon?"  
  
"No.Avalanche."  
  
"Oh.that's right. Yes.I sure as hell would. What do I have to do? Who does Courtney have to blow?"  
  
"BB;JKLJFLKJS," babbled Courtney who burst out giggling then promptly went to sleep.  
  
"Your.woman.doesn't have to blow anyone. This is free. No strings attached."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Dr. Wily smiled. Part of his explanation would be cold business and the other half would be the simple excitement that came from  
  
creating something as extraordinary as what he had created. "I have created a device.which allows whoever holds it to poesses the fan  
  
fic authors power?"  
  
"The what?" Alice was beginning to believe that this was some kind of elaborate joke. He began to look around for a hidden camera of  
  
some kind.  
  
"Fan fic authors power.it's a bit complex for someone like you to understand but in a nutshell, it's the greatest power one can have. It  
  
isn't limited to fan fiction.it really applies to anyone who writes. Most barely ever use it. Mr. Ricard is one of them."  
  
"So what the hell do you want me for? Seems like you guys could use it just as well I could."  
  
"That's part of the point. We want to give this to someone who will use it to its fullest extent. We want these fools to be destroyed  
  
slowly.before we continue with our plans."  
  
"Those being?"  
  
Wily's nostrils flared slightly, "You don't need to concern yourself with that."  
  
"I don't hmm"  
  
Mario waved Wily off, "It's okay.he has every right to know I suppose. Our plans quite simply are complete domination of the video  
  
game industry."  
  
"That's it?" Alice was trying though not very hard to avoid bursting out a fit of laughter.  
  
"Pretty much.so, do you want this? I know for a fact that your getting on in your years and the chance at having some sort of power  
  
must be gnawing at you already. But before you answer keep this in mind, we will always be in control. Once we take the power from  
  
Ricard it is linked to this box," he held up the box to drive his point home before it was even finished. "This means a couple of things.  
  
First and most important, if anything happens to Mario or myself.the box will be destroyed and the force of the power leaving you will  
  
most likely kill you instantly." Alice nodded, this didn't surprise him much so there where no visible signs of anger or disappointment in  
  
his eyes. Mario saw this and thought that Alice was smarter then Mario at first believed.  
  
"The second?" inquired Alice Cooper.  
  
"The second.is that once we are done here.we'll be taking the authors power back. We'll leave you with some as reward for your  
  
assistance and I can promise it'll be more than enough to let you run things around here for the rest of your life.which could be several  
  
hundred more years if your lucky. So, with all this in mind what do you say?"  
  
"I say.yes."  
  
"Yes, yes, yes, yes," muttered Courtney trying to reach down to retrieve the bottle she had dropped a minute ago but being unable due  
  
to the grip Alice had on her arm.  
  
"Wonderful," smiled Mario folding his arms.  
  
"When do I start?"  
  
"Right now." Dr. Wily pressed a button on the box and put it on the table. "No in order for the power to be transferred to you, you need  
  
to say the phrase."  
  
"That would be?" Dr. Wily handed him a slip of paper. "This is what I have to say?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Alice shrugged, "Okay." he looked back down at the paper, "Clerk Rats is now in the Kevin Smith section and should be read as soon as  
  
possible. Kinda cryptic."  
  
"I know, I-"  
  
The box began whirring quietly and remained that way for several minutes. Then, suddenly, without warning a white ghost-like shadow  
  
was seemingly sucked into the box. Alice as well as Mario and Wily watched in silence as the shadow then shot out of the box and into  
  
Alice's chest sending him hurling to the ground along with Courtney. The whirring noise stopped dead and the make shift office fell  
  
silent. After a moment, Alice rose to his feet his eyes seemed different and he almost looked younger. Mario and Wily knew right away  
  
the change had taken place.  
  
"This feels.amazing," muttered Alice clenching his fist and holding it in the air then waving his fingers around as if he was running them  
  
through something. He may very well have been with the energy that was coursing through his veins.  
  
"Now, you have a job to get to right?"  
  
"Of course.give me a night to work an idea out?"  
  
Mario was still in a hurry to kill them and move on, but he was too caught up in this power to care for the most part. He shrugged,  
  
"Sure.but I want to see results by tomorrow or the box goes off."  
  
"Don't worry," assured Alice. "You will. Come on Courtney." Alice reached down and picked up Courtney Love who had not left the spot  
  
on the floor she had fallen and led her out of the room.  
  
"I suppose all we do now is sit back and watch?"  
  
Dr. Wily nodded, "Pretty much."  
  
"Oh well.I like a good show anyway." He yawned with the slightest tone.  
  
The next morning.  
  
Cloud knew that even with the chaos of everything around him and the impending doom on the way he still needed to be mayor of the  
  
city. He stopped at the door to crack his neck and figure out what he would have for lunch that day before walking in. "Yo Linda  
  
wassup?!"  
  
Linda sighed, "Mr. Stryfe, we've been over this. Just because I'm black doesn't mean you have to talk to me like that. You don't talk to  
  
Mr. Wallace like that."  
  
"That's very true.so any messages?"  
  
"Oh, I forgot to tell you. You're not the mayor anymore."  
  
Oh, so wake me up when it's-WHAT?!?!?"  
  
"Someone else has taken over. Terribly sorry we gave your stuff to the lesbian bar downtown. They loved your porno stash. Please  
  
leave before the hidden assassins kill you." Cloud could barely speak as he turned and walked out. Once out he was met by Gabe and  
  
all the others.  
  
"You'll never believe what just happened to me," began Cloud.  
  
"We where kicked out of the mansion," interrupted Gabe.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?!?"  
  
"Yeah.think Nintendo's behind it?" asked Jay.  
  
"No.I think REO Speedwagon is behind it," said Cloud sarcastically.  
  
"Me too.those bastards."  
  
"That building looks like a bong," cackled Jay who was standing farther away from the group with Silent Bob.  
  
"So what are we going to do?" asked Fei.  
  
"Whatever I want you to do!" came a familiar voice. Everyone looked up but only Avalanche, Stone Cold, and, Bruce Willis where  
  
shocked to see Alice Cooper standing on the roof of the building, he jumped down which was a good twenty stories and landed on his  
  
feet with unnerving swiftness. Everyone took a step back while Alice who by the observations of anyone who knew him looked younger  
  
and even stronger. "Who missed me?" he sneered.  
  
"I did," came the growl of another familiar to most-but-not-all voice. Everyone looked back to see Rob Zombie emerge from the  
  
ground. "I've been waitin for you to show your sorry ass face again old man." Rob dusted himself off and walked in front of the group.  
  
"Have you?" asked Alice with overdone shock.  
  
"I'm takin you down for good this time."  
  
"Take the first shot then." Avalanche, Xenogears, and the rest watched the confrontation without saying a word.  
  
"I don't think so." Rob Zombie said this slowly and then said nothing.  
  
Alice's expression remained unchanged as he smiled then lifted his hand into the air. A blue light surrounded Rob who soon found  
  
himself unable to move with an oppressive, crushing sensation overcoming him. "What the hell?!"  
  
"I'm making the first.and only shot. He turned to Gabe, "Maybe you ought to use your authors power and save the Zombie in some  
  
way.  
  
"I guess.if you say so." Gabe began to concentrate as if searching for something then suddenly stopped and it seemed like a horrible  
  
revelation of some kind had just come to him. "I-it's not there! I don't have it anymore!"  
  
Alice let out a long, evil bad guy type laugh, "Of course you don't I have it now and with that you can consider you and everyone else's  
  
life OVER!" He returned his attention to Rob Zombie who was still in the same state that Alice had put him into only a few moments ago.  
  
"I'm going to start with you ROB.. Farewell." he walked over to him and extended his cattle prod pressing it into Rob's chest. Rob didn't  
  
utter a word but still exploded into several large pieces that had no blood or insides or any mess of any kind. Alice held the pieces in  
  
suspended animation then lifted them into the air and shot them off into every different possible direction. He looked at the group  
  
before him and have an arrogant smirk, "That takes care of Mr.Zombie. Now, I have no plans to kill you all.not yet at least. No I have  
  
some much more interesting methods of revenge for you. I noticed that there's some of you that I don't believe I've met before."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Bart. "Can we go home?" Fei elbowed him in the stomach.  
  
"For those of you who don't know me, my name is Alice Cooper and you're in the wrong place at the wrong time so you can just go  
  
along for the ride. For I promise my revenge will be neither swift nor entertaining!"  
  
"Hey!" interrupted Randal. "You stole that from Leonardo Leonardo!"  
  
From the sudden look on Alice's face, it was obvious Randal was correct but Alice sure didn't want to admit it. "Of course not!"  
  
"Did too."  
  
"Did not."  
  
"Did too."  
  
"Did not."  
  
"Did too."  
  
"IT DOESN'T REALLY FUCKING MATTER DOES IT?! WHAT MATTERS IS I'M IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE ALL GOING VERY FAR AWAY! GOODBYE  
  
FOREVER!!!!" Alice brought his hands in the air and brought them down in one swift motion. The moment his hands came down,  
  
everyone disappeared in a flash of blue light.  
  
Let the fun begin.  
  
"Man it's warm in here," Maria noticed.  
  
"Yeah," agreed Gabe who was standing alongside Randal, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Aeris, Red XIII, and Maria. "Where are we?" he  
  
looked around. The place had a familiar charm to it but was still utterly foreign to him.  
  
  
  
"We're in hell," said Red XIII with stoic blankness.  
  
"Damn Red," remarked Stone Cold. "I know things are bad but we're not in hell yet."  
  
"No. I mean we're literally in hell."  
  
"No way," disagreed Randal. At that moment, they where greeted by Elton John.  
  
"Welcome to hell," he smiled after having caught everyone's attention.  
  
"Oh my god!" cried Randal. "We ARE in hell!"  
  
"Really." muttered Red XIII shaking his head.  
  
"Come with me," said Elton turning and walking towards a long hallway.  
  
"Ew.Elton John said come," Gabe shook his head and followed everyone else down the hall. Soon, they came to a reception desk with  
  
Carrot Top behind it, "Hey Elt! What do we got here!" Carrot Top then promptly burst out laughing and didn't stop for several minutes.  
  
"New faces is all."  
  
"All righty.let's have a look see," Carrot Top looked over the group and having already known their names typed them into the  
  
computer. "Hmmm.it seems Mr. Ricard and Mr. Graves weren't due here until a single person liked REO Speedwagon.and that wasn't  
  
supposed to be until 2600. But, I don't see the rest of them he-oh wait!" he giggled. "Apparently someone called in advance and set up  
  
some rooms for them. So I guess everything checks out. Bake em away toys!" he burst out laughing again and pulled out a horn from  
  
seemingly thin air, honking it several time to add to his almost mythical annoying personality.  
  
"Whatever," replied Elton leading the group through a door to a seemingly endless hallway of doors. He pulled out several sheets of  
  
paper and handed them to each one, "All these doors are numbered see? Just go to the door with your number on it. If you don't, the  
  
ground opens up and you will plummet into one of the pits. And trust me..and ask Clinton if you want but no one ever, ever wants the  
  
pit. Toodles." Elton turned and walked away, swaying his hips from side to side. After throwing up everyone despite wishes to do  
  
otherwise walked to each of their doors and stepped in.  
  
"Hey.is this my old high school Sussex Central High School?" Gabe looked around with panic swelling in his throat. He didn't like the  
  
direction in which this was heading. He soon recognized the room as the one he had taken ART I in. This made him even more nervous  
  
because ART had been the worse class he ever took.  
  
"Hey Gabe!"  
  
"AHHHHHHH!!! Mr. Lundy! What the hell are you doing here!!"  
  
"We're going to talk about Art for all eternity!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
  
"Oh my god." mumbled Red darting around in every direction. "It's another hall of mirrors! I gotta get out!" Red began diving into  
  
every mirror he saw in an attempt to get out. To his horror however, they simply kept reforming,  
  
"This doesn't seem too bad," observed Aeris. "All that's here is are big screen TV's everywhere," she realized she was walking on an odd  
  
surface and looked down, "The ground is too." The TV's soon flickered on and everywhere Aeris looked she saw the one person she  
  
hated more than anything.Martha Stewart.  
  
"Hello! Today I'm going to steal more classic rock and roll songs to use for my mindless commercials and I'm going to suggest many  
  
nearly impossible things to do with household items like human DNA and frogs eggs! Then I'm going to dance naked!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Hey.we have the same room," observed Randal.  
  
  
  
"Wonderful," uttered Maria.  
  
"Would that imply we have the same worst fe-"  
  
"Hey, there's a door," pointed Maria.  
  
"Let's go in it."  
  
Maria shrugged, "Fine.if it will get me away from you."  
  
"Ouch." Randal and Maria walked to the door and opened it stepping inside but not noticing the sign at the top that said BURN WARD.  
  
By the time they realized it, it was too late to do anything for the door was locked.  
  
"I ain't got a damn fear," exclaimed Stone Cold Steve Austin who meant it. As far as Stone Cold knew in his mind, he didn't have any  
  
fears. Except maybe the time he accidentally walked in on Mick Foley in the shower during the summer of 97.  
  
"Hey Stone Cold!"  
  
Austin's heart froze as it suddenly came to him. The one thing he was scared of more than anything in the world. He didn't want to turn  
  
around but after a moment did turn around to see Mikey Whipwreck looming in front of him. "Mikey! You little son of a bitch! How the  
  
hell are y-ah!" Austin was cut down when Mikey jabbed him in the jaw and grabbed his head, throwing him into the wall, busting him  
  
wide open. Stone Cold scrambled to his feet and swung at Mikey who kicked him the stomach, bodyslammed him and proceeded to  
  
stomp the life out of him.  
  
Somewhere else.  
  
"I wasn't even suppose to-"  
  
"Be here today?" asked Vincent.  
  
"Yeah." Dante folded his arms and yawned.  
  
"This is sweet," remarked Jay. "We're in a desert! Familiar one too, huh Silent Bob?" Silent Bob lit himself a cigarette and nodded  
  
taking a drag.  
  
"This looks like the desert from Planet of the Apes," remarked Bart.  
  
"I agree," answered Billy.  
  
"That's new."  
  
"Fuck you Bart. I'm trying to be nice."  
  
"I don't fuck guys," replied Bart. "If that's your thing.that's OKAY with me. Just don't involve me."  
  
Billy spun his gun around in his hand and aimed it Bart, "One day I'm going to blow your fucking head off. I swear. You'll be sitting  
  
there.being an obnoxious asshole and just generally bringing down the quality of life for everyone near you and, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!  
  
Your stupid head will be in several small unrecognizable chunks on the other side of the room and I will be declared a hero for saving  
  
the world from having to hear ONE MORE MORNONIC GODDAMN UNINTELLIGABLE SENTENCE BE UTTERED FROM YOUR STUPID MOUTH!"  
  
Bart stared at Billy blankly, "Goddamn? I thought you where religious."  
  
"THAT'S IT!" Billy was about to pull the trigger when the gun was shot out of his hand, startling him. The group turned around and saw a  
  
group of apes coming towards them on horses.  
  
"Oh my god." muttered Dante. "This is the Planet of the Apes."  
  
"I don't like the direction this may head in," agreed Vincent.  
  
"All of you don't move!" barked the ape who rode ahead of the others. "You're on ape land!"  
  
"We are?" asked Jay.  
  
"Of course! And because of this you can be assured that your punishment will be swift and severe!"  
  
"We need to get their names," reminded an ape standing near the apparent leader of the group.  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"Orders from that moron Dr. Zaiuss."  
  
"Fine. Fine. Fine. Okay let's get your names before we take you in for medical experiments."  
  
"Dante Hicks."  
  
"Bart."  
  
"Billy Lee Black."  
  
"Vincent Valentine."  
  
"Jay."  
  
The leader ape simply grunted and then turned to Silent Bob who said nothing, "What about you pudgy?" Silent Bob gave no reply. Only  
  
taking another drag of his cigarette.  
  
"He don't talk," interjected Jay.  
  
The leader ape suddenly gasped, "He doesn't?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"I can't believe it! It's him it's really him!"  
  
"Who?" asked another of the apes.  
  
"The hairless, non-speaking ape-god!"  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The hairless, non-speaking ape-god! Our books speak of him constantly!"  
  
"They do?"  
  
"Of course.. THIS is as close as we will ever get.to a god! We must take him to the city! To meet Dr. Zaiuss!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"Now!"  
  
"Okay, okay.man." The ape shook his head and ordered for them to be cuffed.  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
"The Death Star.we're on the fucking Death Star!" Bruce shook his head and turned to blast away a couple more Stormtroopers. This  
  
seemed futile as they seemed to never stop reemerging to chase himself, Fei, Norm, and Citan down one of the many corridors of the  
  
space station.  
  
"Why the hell are we running?" growled Rico. "We can take these guys."  
  
"There's a few dozen, dozen, dozen Stormtroopers back there with guns that can turn solid rock to dust," answered Fei. "Care to head  
  
over and give it a shot?" Rico said nothing and continued to run. They stopped as the other end of the corridor was filled with  
  
Stormtroopers.  
  
"Guess we have no choice now," observed Norm who had spent the last few hours trying everything in his power not to piss his pants or  
  
faint.  
  
And even further elsewhere.  
  
"I wish Aeris was here." Cloud sighed.  
  
"Chuuuuuu!!!"  
  
"Shut the hell up."  
  
"This place is too damn creepy," observed Cait Sith.  
  
"I agree," replied Yuffie. Emeralda said nothing.  
  
"So, what can we do for you?"  
  
Cloud rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe they had wound up in Munchkin Land of all the places for them to appear in. He turned to who  
  
he believed was the mayor of Munchkin Land. "NO! GO AWAY!"  
  
"Okaly Dokaly!" the supposed mayor smiled and stepped away.  
  
"I say we just try and get the fuck out of here. Anyone else for that?"  
  
"Sounds good," agreed Cait.  
  
"Grand," Cloud was about to leave when he stopped on the realization that Yuffie was not among them. "Where's Yuffie?"  
  
"THAT BITCH! THAT THIEVING BITCH STOLE MY WALLET!"  
  
"Found her!" announced Cait Sith pointing near a house where Yuffie was trying to escape from a group munchkins with a wallet in hand.  
  
"The penalty for stealing is death!" cried one munchkin when they surrounded Yuffie.  
  
"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" they all picked up stones and advanced closer and closer to Yuffie.  
  
"Should we bail her out?" asked Cait.  
  
"I.guess. I wanted to kill some munchkins again anyway." Cloud drew his sword and charged in along with the others. He planned to  
  
make Yuffie pay for this later.  
  
The fun continues.elsewhere!  
  
"Still think Racoon City looks like a cool place Barret? Do you?"  
  
"Shut up Tifa! How was I supposed to know!" Barret took out a small cluster of zombies with a Big Shot and turned to gun down several  
  
more. He wasn't expecting as many as there was and would have been overtaken had Rico not charged in and tore them all apart.  
  
Barret was rather impressed.  
  
Tifa spun around and kicked another zombies head off. She looked around the ruined buildings but all she really saw other then that  
  
where several groups of zombies. She hoped she would be able to make it to a high place but she didn't know how much longer the  
  
three of them could hold out.  
  
Lets head back to Mario and the gang.  
  
"You like?" asked Alice Cooper sitting in a chair with Courtney Love sitting in his lap and kissing his neck. Alice was sitting across from  
  
Mario and the three of them where sitting across from a series of TV's each showing them the development of where and what the  
  
heroes were doing.  
  
Mario smiled, "I like.I like very, very much." Mario didn't say anything else. Only nodding and at one point closing his eyes and  
  
shaking slightly with laughter.  
  
Victory was inevitable.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
That's it for part five. I'm doing my best to get these done at a rapid fire pace without sacrificing things like the story and the humor. As  
  
always, let me know what you think and keep an eye out for the continuation of the Nintendo Strikes Back saga and a vampire novel  
  
I'm working on with my friend Lotuss Tears. Once again, thanks for giving my lame shit some time and be sure to review and give me  
  
an opinion.  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#16-Pain! Suffering! TORTCHA! Will our heroes ever escape? Do you care?  
  
Part six in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: I own Gabe and.a porno mag with nude beach pics of Elizabeth Hurley so don't sue.or steal my mag.BUY YOUR OWN! YOU  
  
HEAR ME?! BUY YOUR OWN!  
  
  
  
Nintendo Strikes Back continues.I'm hoping that despite the fact this is a good 6000 pages into the FF7 section that it's being read and  
  
enjoyed. As I said before I'm trying to get through this entire thing within the summer. I was hoping this intro would go somewhere but  
  
in all honesty I'm going to stop babbling to read something much funnier then this. No, it's not an STD pamphlet it's Mike Nelson's Movie  
  
Megacheese which makes this series look like well.an STD pamphlet. But a glossy one damn it! With pictures and whatnot! And- I think  
  
I'll just salvage what dignity I was pretending to have and just get on with it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Cid moved his Venus Gospel back and forth in his hands while at the same time wishing he hadn't run out of cigarettes and also having  
  
a strong desire to figure out where the hell he was. Actually that was a little unfair. He knew he was in some boiler room but that was  
  
about it. The distinct sound of nails being dragged along something suddenly pierced his surroundings. Cid turned around to where he  
  
heard the sound but saw nothing. Laughter from what seemed like nowhere began taunting him. Unlike the previous sound of nails this  
  
did seem closer and Cid turned around once again but this time there was someone standing in front of him. His face looked to be  
  
horribly burned and he wore a red and green sweater, black pants and a dirty old hat you'd find -on a drunk in an ally placed firmly on  
  
his head. It took Cid a rough six seconds to recognize who it was, Freddy Krueger. Cid knew right away he was in for a fight. That was  
  
okay. Cid had seen all his movies and thought he was a pussy anyway. He also recalled the story Aeris had told him when herself and  
  
Cloud met Freddy who had exploded upon seeing Cloud in the nude.  
  
"I was kinda hoping for a busty teenage girl in a tight sweater," sneered Freddy clicking his finger knives at his side.  
  
"Want me to get a sweater and give it a shot?" asked Cid. The former pilot was ready to attack at any moment.  
  
"That's all right. I still could use a little exercise."  
  
"Is this some sort of gay thing?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Y.es."  
  
"Just checkin."  
  
"Anyway, What's say you let me tear your throat out old man?"  
  
"Old man?" Cid's eyes twitched.  
  
Freddy cackled, "Did I strike a nerve? I'm sorry."  
  
"I'm gonna strike something in a minute, you burnt son of a bitch." Freddy raised is hands in a 'come on' fashion and stood back. Cid  
  
took the cue and went for the offensive.  
  
Back in hell.  
  
"Guess what Gabe!"  
  
`"I don't fucking care Lundy. I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it for the 78th time!"  
  
"Come on, guess what!"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"You're.the Weakest Link!"  
  
  
  
Gabe, who had anticipated hearing that phrase yet again sighed, "Okay Mr. Lundy.I'm the Weakest Link."  
  
"That's right. Now, let's get into my six hour lecture on the color wheel!" Gabe looked over to the door and sighed again. He had tried to  
  
escape earlier but found the door lead right back to the art room and Mr. Lundy. Gabe hoped death would be swift for him.  
  
"We got out!" cried Randal running out of a room with Maria close behind. "I thought it would never end!"  
  
"Thank.GOD.." Agreed Maria. "Let's get out of here. There's a door." The young girl was about to walk through it without a second  
  
thought but was stopped by Randal.  
  
"Wait. Let's see where this goes." Randal looked up at the sign on the door and when he saw that it read Exit breathed relief and  
  
opened the door, walking in alongside Maria. The moment they closed the door the Exit sticker peeled off and the real door sign could  
  
be seen. It read in simple, bold, black letters THE OTHER BURN WARD.  
  
"No." Aeris closed her eyes and covered her eyes. "Martha Stewart's.breasts.so.abnormal looking!"`  
  
The Martha that could be seen on the countless TV screens that dominated the room suddenly ceased her nude dancing and put her  
  
hands on her hips, pretending to look thoughtful. "Hmmm.how many classic rock and roll songs have I stole and put to my stupid  
  
commercials so far?" she thought out loud.  
  
"Too.many," whimpered Aeris.  
  
"Now.we're going to make.a TOWEL RACK!"  
  
"AHHHH KILL ME NOW!!!"  
  
Red XIII burst through another set of mirrors and felt confident that he had finally made his way through this horrible, endless maze of  
  
mirrors. Upon reaching the other side however, he found all that awaited him was another row of mirrors that seemed to go on forever.  
  
Nanaki gave a slight whining noise and took a few steps back ready to give it one more try. When he attempted to charge through, he  
  
made it through one mirror and fell through the other as if it where liquid. Red felt himself falling and it made him feel like it would  
  
never end. I don't care if I do fall forever, thought Red who was starting to enjoy the feeling that went with this. Just as long as I never see  
  
another- Red's falling at last came to an end as he crashed to the ground. He leapt to his feet and looked around, seeing only an  
  
endless circle of mirrors, "Mirrors."  
  
"Mikey please! I-I can't take any damn more!" Austin once again made a futile effort to open the door out but it was still locked. Steve  
  
turned around to meet Mikey's fist which hammered Stone Cold's face four times then grabbed his throat and threw him across the  
  
room. Steve cursed himself for not realizing he would have had to deal with this since he was in hell. With the knowledge that his pain  
  
was far from over, Steve forced himself to his feet and once again went for the offensive on the evil Mikey Whipwreck.  
  
Elsewhere.on the Plant of the Apes  
  
"Well Dr. Zaiuss? Is he the hairless, non speaking monkey god?"  
  
Dr. Zaiuss looked up from Silent Bob and gave a look that suggested that maybe, just maybe their guess was incorrect. "You morons! If  
  
this.this.man is a god THEN I'M REGIS PHILBIN!!"  
  
"Woah. Really?" asked one ape who was ignored and later killed.  
  
"So should we just kill them?"  
  
"No.I have an experiment I'd like to try." He turned to face Jay, Silent Bob, Dante, Vincent, Billy, and Bart. "I only need four of them  
  
though. Those four will do." He pointed to Bart, Dante, Billy, and Vincent.  
  
"What's the experiment?" asked Billy.  
  
"Maybe it's to make you sound like a man," suggested Bart. Billy was about to respond but was cut down by Dr. Zaiuss, "Are any of you  
  
familiar with Mystery Science Theater 3000?"  
  
"Mystery what?" asked Jay.  
  
"Sounds stupid," said Bart who had a general distaste for Science Fiction in general. Except that sexy bitch from Lexx.  
  
"In any event.the idea of this show is about a guy and some robots who watch bad movies and make fun of them. Meanwhile, mad  
  
scientists monitor how they react, We're going to do the same. We also have a theater just like they do so off you go!" he turned his  
  
attention to Jay and Silent Bob, "You two can ALSO be a part of an experiment."  
  
"Sweet! What's the experiment?"  
  
"We're going to test the human male sexual endurance with both male and female gorillas. Have fun." Two apes appeared and  
  
dragged Jay (who did not seem all to upset about it) and Silent Bob (who merely shook his head and sighed) away. The others were led  
  
down a long hallway and into a theater.  
  
"If you try to escape you'll die instantly understand?" warned one of the apes.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Okay.once you're in the movie will begin in five seconds now go!" The two apes shoved the four into the theater and stood back  
  
shutting the doors.  
  
(Movie begins in five.four.three.two.one)  
  
(Authors note: this refers to one of those making fun of the fan fic.)  
  
Dante: So all we do to keep our sanity from this is to make fun of it.  
  
Vincent: In a nutshell yeah. I've seen this show before so don't worry  
  
Billy: Probably isn't all that bad  
  
Bart: Say's you.  
  
Billy: Bart.shut the-  
  
Vincent: Let's just get through this  
  
The Elevator  
  
Dante: The thrilling sequel to The Stairwell!  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Vincent: Hey, Gabe wrote this so we should be in hands  
  
Bart: I have a feeling otherwise  
  
"Yea.Chris? It's Rick.Yeah I got stuck here at work a little longer then usual. Sorry man"  
  
Vincent: I can't believe they expect you to work an stuff here man!  
  
Rick held the phone between his ear and shoulder and glanced at his watch.  
  
Bart: Then he realized the marking on his arm was cancer and not a watch  
  
"No no, don't worry we'll make the concert.  
  
Bart: Even if I have to kill every god damn-sorry Chris  
  
Yeah It's gonna be pretty sweet. This is gonna be Karen's first real concert eh? Of course I'm not counting that Backstreet Boys/Brittany  
  
Spears shit she went to over the summer.  
  
Billy: Look, he slammed Brittany Spears and the Backstreet Boys.no on EVER does that  
  
Dante: I've never seen it before  
  
Able to get any more time with her? Well that sucks.this is why I'll never get married."  
  
Vincent: That and the fact that I couldn't get a woman if I had a hundred- dollar bill hanging out of my zipper  
  
Billy: Sounds like you Bart  
  
Bart: Eat shit and die Billy  
  
He glanced at his watch again.  
  
Dante: This guy sure likes to glance  
  
" I gotta get going if I wanna have enough time to pick you both up an make it to the arena in decent time. I'm telling ya we should  
  
have just reserved the damn things but ohhhhhhh no you said you-Yea, yea"  
  
Billy: I'm a moron I know  
  
He laughed "See you in an hour."  
  
Bart: The Witching hour! Bwahahahahahah!!  
  
Dante: What the hell does that mean?  
  
Bart: (shrugs)  
  
He hung the phone and yawned walking over to the nearest elevator.  
  
Vincent: Which was four buildings down  
  
Rick stood in front of the elevator and sighed muttering the Alice Cooper song Poison as he waited for the elevator with a mixture of  
  
anxiousness and annoyance.  
  
Vincent: Known as anxinoyance!  
  
"I should just take the god damn stairs.  
  
Billy: If God's dammed the stairs he might now want to take them  
  
I'd get to the first floor a hell of a lot faste-" Rick's words where cut short as the elevator door finally opened and Rick was about to get  
  
on but stopped at the person in front of him.  
  
Bart: A real writer!  
  
Billy: I don't think you'll find one of those near this story  
  
She had to be at least 15 with a sleazy crack-whore gothic look to her that Rick had always found oddly attractive  
  
Dante: Rick also had Dilbert/Wally slash fantasies so that should say something about the things Rick found attractive.  
  
but felt it was one of those attractions that all people have but never act on or address as he did.  
  
Billy: Wait, wait, wait go back to the last sentence  
  
Vincent: I don't think we can do that. Why do you want to go back?  
  
Billy: I need to read over that last sentence. It didn't make any sense!  
  
Dante: A poorly written confusing sentence? In THIS story?  
  
Billy: I know, I know.I'm being ridiculous  
  
"Are you gonna get on the fucking elevator or what kid?" Rick looked to his right and saw a man at least ten years older then him  
  
wearing an Austin 3:16 shirt and faded blue jeans.  
  
Bart: Sadly this was the highlight of Rick's meeting with the southern gym teacher  
  
"Sorry." Apologized Rick quickly getting on and standing on the East End of the elevator a couple feet away from the girl.  
  
Bart: So his leering would at least be from a distance  
  
"What floor?" asked the man who still kept a scowl on his face reaching for the control.  
  
Dante: Keep a scowl? How the hell do you keep a scowl?  
  
"First."  
  
Billy: Well at least we know Rick can count  
  
Vincent: Lucky guess  
  
The man stopped and stood back and Rick realized that must be the floor he was getting off as well.  
  
Vincent: Rick's an observant one isn't he?  
  
He realized he was on the 25th floor and groaned silently realizing it would be a couple minutes.  
  
Vincent: Oh no! With this two-minute delay to his car will our hero make the concert in time?  
  
Billy: Do we care?  
  
Dante: I don't  
  
Bart: Me neither  
  
As he rubbed his temples he looked out of the corner of his left eye at the girl and turned cold as he saw her smiling at him. He was  
  
immediately taken by her missing tooth and shuddered to himself.  
  
Bart: (as Rick) Mom?  
  
"You're cute," she said "What's your name?"  
  
Dante: Micke- I mean Rick  
  
"Rick," he replied feeling slightly uneasy as it looked like she was getting closer to him.  
  
Bart: Hey, maybe she's going to kill him and save us from having to read the rest of this!  
  
Dante: How would that save us exactly? The story could go on without Rick  
  
Bart: Shut up Dante  
  
It looked like she was going to say something else when the elevator jerked to a halt and panic terrorized Rick's heart for a split minute  
  
before looking around and groaned again this time out loud. He didn't know exactly what had just happened but he had a pretty good  
  
idea.  
  
Dante: These new AI elevators just aren't going to make it.  
  
Bart: Then again, they might be trying to save us from this story  
  
Dante: God I hope so  
  
"We're gonna be here awhile," commented the man crossing his arms and closing his eyes resting his head on the wall.  
  
Vincent: My god! This story is filled with so many bright insightful people!  
  
Bart: Just your usual stables of characters created by Gabe  
  
"Sounds good to me," grinned the girl resuming her slow walk towards Rick.  
  
Dante: They're sure building up her four foot walk to Rick  
  
"So um..what's your.name?" asked Rick.  
  
Billy: I'm Charlie Sheen's daughter!  
  
"Daffney," she replied an errie grin on her face as she was now a good two feet away from Rick who had slowly backed into the elevator.  
  
"I'm 15 by the way."  
  
Vincent: Really? Cause I thought you where twelve  
  
"But I never ask-"  
  
Vincent: What?  
  
"That's okay, I could tell you where wondering. You fucking anybody?"  
  
Dante: Well.there's JuicyLucy134 in the singles room at Chatropolis  
  
Rick was a bit taken back more by the way it had easily come out of her mouth then what she had actually said. "Not at the moment,"  
  
he replied trying as hard as he could to be casual.  
  
Billy: I have a feeling "not at the moment" is the same as "never"  
  
"Wanna?"  
  
"Are you a hooker?" asked Rick finally.  
  
Bart: Cause I only like to sleep with underage girls that are certified prostitutes  
  
Daffney laughed with an endless sort of voice.  
  
Vincent: "Endless sort of voice" what the hell does that mean?!  
  
Dante: How about we just stop questioning all the poorly written sentences in this story  
  
Billy: Yeah, it isn't healthy. Besides, we'd be here a lot longer if we did  
  
Vincent: Okay.  
  
"Nope." Before Rick could say another word Daffney had cornered him and planted a long deep kiss on him.  
  
Bart: Then stabbed him in the chest with one of her missing teeth  
  
Rick simply took the kiss like a deer in headlights unable to get from under her grip.  
  
Vincent: You know, it really speaks volumes about a man who can't break the grip of a 15 year old prostitute  
  
Billy: Maybe, she's one of those Canadian prostitutes  
  
Vincent: Hey maybe.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing to my girl you fucking prick?!?!"  
  
Bart: Look the stories going to take a turn!  
  
Billy: For the crappy  
  
Rick's eyes burst open and Daffney jumped back her errie smile never leaving her face.  
  
Dante: The eerie smile eventually decided to take up permanent residence  
  
Rick looked over to the corner where the man who had been standing in the corner with his quiet demeanor now had a face that was  
  
even more frightening then Dafnneys.  
  
Vincent: He's probably just missing more teeth  
  
His eyes where wild and his face contorted in a bizarre mix of anger and insanity.  
  
Dante: Known as angsanity!  
  
Bart: You're just full of those things aren't you  
  
Dante: Working at a convenience store for eight years you make up games like this  
  
Rick didn't know what to say, "What? I didn'-"  
  
Billy: Must be kind of annoying to get cut off like that so much  
  
Before Rick could finish whatever reasoning he could the man almost teleported to the other side of the elevator clutching Rick's head in  
  
his deceptively large hands and slammed his head against the wall.  
  
Bart: (yelling) ITS TOO LATE BIG STUPID MAN! I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANY BRAIN CELLS LEFT TO KILL!  
  
"Shut the fuck up!!"  
  
Vincent: You're making my brain hurt with all your ten-dollar words!  
  
Rick slumped to the ground and clutched his head with both hands. He tried to move away from the man but was kicked under his chin  
  
before he could get out of reach.  
  
Dante: At least he knows how to circumcise gay rednecks  
  
Daffney jumped up and down giggling like a demented child.  
  
Billy: I'll bet that's a huge stretch for her  
  
Rick could feel blood forming in his mouth and felt like he was in Natural Born Killers.  
  
Bart: Or at least his old high school  
  
"What a pretty kick Matthew."  
  
Dante: Kicks do have a "pretty" quality to them don't they  
  
Bart: I think you've been in this theater a bit too long  
  
Matthew wound back and knocked Daffney into the wall then stalked over to her and planted a deep kiss on her face and grinned  
  
"Thanks baby." Matthew let go of her head and turned back to Rick while Daffney rolled over giggling.  
  
Vincent: Daffney sure likes giggling doesn't she?  
  
"So you wanna fuck my Daffney huh?"  
  
Bart: Do you think he likes to use the word fuck a lot?  
  
Billy: I haven't really noticed  
  
Dante: Me neither  
  
Vincent: I haven't  
  
Rick tried to shake his head, "I-"  
  
Bart: Look he's going to be cut off AGAIN  
  
"Answer the fucking question, DO YOU WANT TO FUCK MY DAFFNEY?"  
  
Vincent: That's right yell, he probably didn't hear you the first time  
  
"No, I've never wanted to touch her."  
  
Billy: I just wanted to stare at her and pretend I'm touching her!  
  
For a brief moment Matthew's face resumed a completely calm state but within that instant the face returned to its original form and  
  
Matthew grabbed Rick by the collar and threw him into the wall.  
  
Dante: Which devoured him instantly!  
  
Rick's hand was now stained with blood from holding it over his mouth and he finally managed to stand up. However he wished he  
  
hadn't as Matthew pulled out a gun and at that moment Rick thought he was going to die.  
  
Bart: Matthew might just become my new hero.  
  
Vincent: Hey.mine too  
  
"I see.So my Daffy-girl isn't good enough for you! Not enough fucking teeth in her head is that it motherfucker?!?!"  
  
Billy: Look, he's trying to psyche him out  
  
Dante: That'll take a good five seconds  
  
"Why are you doing this?" mumbled Rick loudly.  
  
Dante: Looks like Rick's asking the tough questions now  
  
"Shut the hell up!" screamed Matthew still aiming the gun at his head.  
  
Bart: For a crazy guy he sure likes to hold off on shooting people  
  
"There's probably people near us! Shit there's probably someone working on this elevator!"  
  
Billy: Even though I haven't heard a thing!  
  
"I said shut your mouth!" screamed Matthew again Daffney standing behind him still giggling showing off her missing teeth.  
  
Vincent: Seems like Gabe has a thing for teeth.  
  
Rick's mind raced with what to do next and before he or Matthew could do anything the elevator door opened and everyone looked to  
  
the door to see a slightly overweight, simple looking repair technician.  
  
Dante: He could have just said repair technician and we would have known all that other stuff  
  
"You folks oka-Hey!"  
  
Vincent: She has no teeth!  
  
The man cried out as Rick shoved him away and bolted down the seemingly endless hallway never stopping until he was well down 95.  
  
Dante: Heading for 96  
  
End.  
  
Bart: It can't end! There's still so many questions to answer!  
  
Billy: Yeah, like weather or not Rick made the Alice Cooper concert  
  
Vincent: Or what happened to the unsung hero of the story, the repair technician  
  
Dante: Or whether or not Daffney and Matthew collect their welfare checks  
  
  
  
Hope everyone enjoyed this. It's kinda of a rip off to NBK  
  
Dante: Really? I hadn't noticed  
  
but I thought it was decent enough. The whole exercise was to write about some people in an elevator so I kinda decided to try  
  
something different.  
  
Billy: I've decided after reading this that "different" is just another word for "crappy"  
  
The Empire fic is coming along very very slowly but it's coming along.  
  
Bart: Whether it likes it or not!  
  
It will be a very long time before I finish it to the point where I feel it's well written and faithful to the movie.  
  
Vincent: Well, if that's true he could just not write it  
  
While I'm working on the Empire fic I'll be doing more exercises.  
  
Bart: Gotta get down to 150  
  
Another wrestling list and my next thing the ninth FF7 fan fic which hopefully will be the best yet.  
  
Vincent: What the hell is an FF7 fan fic?  
  
And will give a little hint as to the huge epic saga that's about to dominate the next ten or s fics.  
  
Dante: I just hope it doesn't involve an angry video game empire  
  
Bart: Yeah, that'd be really stupid  
  
Thanks a lot for reading and let me know what you think as feedback is always very much desired on my original works.  
  
Billy: Gabe must be a glutton for punishment  
  
One more thing a quick thanks to someone who took the time to read all my original stuff and review it. Check out the signed review on  
  
Bank Heist to see who I'm talking about and check out her great Alice Cooper song parody on my favorite Cooper song  
  
Dante: The one about alcoholism! Oh wait that's all of them  
  
He's Back(The man behind the mask).  
  
Bart: (singing) And he's after your soul!  
  
(All exit the theater)  
  
"Wow.that was pretty bad," remarked Dante as they where led out of the theater by the ape guards. Everyone agreed in unison. They  
  
soon found themselves back in the room they had been in earlier where Dr. Zaiuss was awaiting them.  
  
"Excellent! I should get some good information from this," he paused for a long spell of evil laughter.  
  
"Hey that's a pretty good laugh," Bart said.  
  
"Thank you. I've been practicing." A moment later another ape came in carrying the barely awake Jay and Silent Bob who's clothes were  
  
torn up and had delirious looks on their faces.  
  
"You guys okay?" inquired Dante. Neither replied in a remotely coherent matter.  
  
"So I guess we're going to just rot in a cell now?" asked Billy with a hint of desperate hope in his tone.  
  
"Hell no. We're going to continue the experiment! We're going to switch you all around a bit and send two more of you off to take Jay  
  
and Silly Bob's place with the experiment they had been participating in." He looked them over, "How about." he put his hand on his  
  
chin for the sole purpose of making it look like he was deep in thought. "You," he pointed to Bart then to Dante, "And you. Guards,  
  
take them away," the remaining apes in the room nodded and dragged Dante and Bart out. "As for the rest of you.are any of you  
  
familiar with the works of a Mr. Roger Corman?"  
  
"Uh-oh."  
  
  
  
Should we check in on Racoon City? Of course we should!  
  
"We made it!" exclaimed Tifa her entire body aching as she stared down at the zombie filled streets from the skyscraper they had  
  
escaped onto.  
  
"Thank god," agreed Rico who also had come to a point during the battle where he didn't know how much longer he would hold up.  
  
Tifa looked behind her to see how Barret was holding up and saw him sitting over the edge of the building looking forlorn. Tifa knew  
  
Barret wasn't one to act like this without good reason. Well there was that time a few years back he used it as an excuse to come onto  
  
her but she didn't think that was currently the case. She took a deep breath and walked over to where her old friend was sitting and  
  
took a seat next to him, "Something on your mind?"  
  
"I'm worried about Marlene," Barret said simply.  
  
"Shera's with her remember?  
  
"Yeah.but if that bastard Alice gets her.I don't know what I'd do."  
  
"Well don't worry.we'll get back. I'm not sure how but we will."  
  
"I know.so where do we go from here?"  
  
"I wish I knew. For the time being we should stay here." Barret gave no answer only nodding as the two stared out into the night while  
  
Rico continued to stare down at the zombies roaming the streets.  
  
Onto the Deathstar!  
  
"I can't believe we killed every single stormtrooper! cried Norm.  
  
"Me neither," muttered Bruce kicking one carcass away. "Are we gonna go through this ominous door in front of us?"  
  
"Sounds good to me," said Fei who always loved to walk through evil looking ominous doors with certain death behind it. Bruce shrugged  
  
and was about to open the door but to his surprise it opened on it's own. Fei, Bruce, Norm, and Citan walked through and came to a  
  
large room that looked like a cross between a boiler room and a throne room.  
  
"Well, you've made it. Good." The group took a few steps farther and saw Darth Vader emerge from the darkness. "Now one of you  
  
must battle me to the death!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well.we've got nothing better to do so we sit here and wait for people to kill their way through a few thousand stormtroopers then  
  
come to me and die horribly. It's basically a time killer between movies. Now on with the duel! First you!" he threw a lightsaber to Norm  
  
who promptly threw it down and ran hiding a few feet away. "Okay.then you!" he threw another lightsaber to Bruce Willis then produced  
  
one of his own. "Let the battle begin! Now you will die."  
  
"We'll see Vader."  
  
Nearby (Well not really) in the boiler room of Freddy Krueger.  
  
Freddy ducked under Cid's attack and drove his finger knives into his chest. He felt Cid's body seize up and knew he had the pilot. He  
  
pulled the knives out and kicked Cid into the bars that was the only thing between where they were and a forty-story drop into a sure  
  
death. "Motherfucker," growled Cid. He began to feel dizzy but shook his head and thought he had a chance if Freddy was stupid  
  
enough to underestimate him at this juncture.  
  
"I should really consider a switch to killing the elderly," mused Freddy. "They're much easier to kill than teenagers. Let's see what your  
  
soul looks like." Freddy raised his gloved hand and ran at Cid thinking he'd be too weak to do anything. This proved to be a mistake as  
  
Cid suddenly came to life, clutched the Venus Gospel, and drove it into Freddy's chest then pulling him off and depositing him off the  
  
edge. Freddy slid off the spear and fell from view in moments. Wishing he had a potion, Cid slumped down and lit a cigarette. He didn't  
  
mind not having a potion. He'd hold out for a few more hours.  
  
Munchkinland.  
  
"Who would have thought we'd be overtaken by Munchkins?" mused Yuffie.  
  
"Yuffie." began Cloud. "If you say one more fucking word, I will kill you."  
  
"How? You're tied up."  
  
Cloud felt like saying "Thank you captain obvious," but decided there was no point. Himself, Cait, Yuffie, and Emeralda had gotten  
  
beaten severely by the munchkins and where now being led to a giant pot that had been set up in the middle of town. Cloud saw the  
  
water in the pot boiling and had a fairly good idea what was coming. The munchkins leading them towards the pot stopped and Cloud  
  
saw that the surviving munchkins, all but the two Cloud had managed to take down where gathered in the center of the town.  
  
The mayor approached them and smiled. "You have committed many crimes here today!"  
  
"Murder, death, kill. Murder, death, kill." Came a chorus from the throngs.  
  
"And for this.you will be boiled alive and served in burger form!"  
  
"Wonderful!" murmured Cloud shaking his head.  
  
"But first.six hours of singing."  
  
"In that case, can we just skip to the pot?" asked Cait.  
  
"No." replied the mayor before bursting into song with the other munchkins.  
  
"Are we.in hell?" asked Emeralda turning to Cloud.  
  
"Yes," Cloud took a long look at the boiling pot and that point was having a hard time envisioning the pot would cause more pain then  
  
what was going on right now.  
  
Tired of these headers? Me too.  
  
"Ha ha ha! You're pathetic!" Darth swung at Bruce who blocked and tried to jump back and make an offensive move of his own but,  
  
Darth Vader was simply too fast and knocked brought the lightsaber down on Bruce's hand, taking it clean off. Bruce cried out in the  
  
moment of intense pain and fell against the wall. His remaining hand clutching the lightsaber. Vader laughed again, "God I love doing  
  
that!"  
  
"Ten bucks says he goes down," whispered Norm who had come out of hiding to Fei and Citan.  
  
"You're on," answered Fei.  
  
"I just thought of something."  
  
"What Citan?"  
  
"Why are we standing here?"  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
"Why are we simply watching? There's no one to stop us from helping Bruce Willis."  
  
"Hey that's a pretty good point. Let's go kick the fuckers ass."  
  
"I'll wait here," said Norm.  
  
"No surprise there," Fei whispered under his breath walking over to Vader with Citan pulling out Yamane. Vader sensed they where  
  
coming and turned around but it was too late as Fei figuratively kicked the living shit out of him while Citan cut his arms off then stood  
  
back as Fei dropkicked him into the wall. Bruce was on his feet and walked over to Vader who looked up Bruce.  
  
"You can't kill me! I'm the lord of the Sith! I am a Jedi!"  
  
Bruce raised his light saber, "Yippy-Ki-Yay Motherfucker," before Vader could say another word, Bruce brought the lightsaber down on his  
  
slicing his head in half.  
  
"Damn Bruce, we need to get someone to look at that hand."  
  
Bruce looked down at the hand and sighed, "We could do that. Or, we could go for a refreshing Mikes Hard Lemonade."  
  
"I like that more," grinned Norm.  
  
Fei shrugged, "Whatever." And the four made there out of the room to search for some.  
  
Last header for this fic.I swear  
  
"This is the place all right," thought Tosha. "I'd recognize this place anywhere." Standing at the beginning of New Nibelheim. She  
  
brushed back some of her freshly dyed blue hair that the dusk wind was constantly blowing in her face and looked up for the fourth time  
  
at the Nintendo ships. She wished she had gotten here sooner. But Gabe who hadn't changed much in the four years she had known  
  
him gave her poor directions when he invited her to visit several months ago (She did not come at the time due to simply not feeling  
  
like making the trip). She felt in the pockets of her long black trench coat and felt the cube Gabe had given her several months ago. At  
  
the time she didn't think it would ever come to any use. But here she was. She took yet another look at the Nintendo ship before  
  
making her way into the city. She didn't have much time.  
  
End.  
  
  
  
Well what did you think? I had a lot of fun tearing apart one of my own stories in an MST3K tribute. The reason I chose one of my own  
  
works and not someone else's besides laziness and ego was because I remembered when I was writing for Writercise and wrote several  
  
original works all of which can be found here. One such assignment was The Elevator which was an assignment in which we had to write  
  
about something taking place in.you guessed it, an elevator. At the time I was pleased (At the time I was also a Kid Rock fan which  
  
should suggest something) with it. But, it had also caused a bit of controversy as one person called in pornography and a bunch of  
  
people jumped down that persons throat causing a long and very stupid debate on freedom of speech, what's acceptable and what's not  
  
and so on. Looking back I read through it and couldn't believe I had ever considered it a decent story. The only way I could truly feel  
  
better about it was to make fun of it and this was the result. My ramblings done for now, so I'll shut up by saying thanks for reading  
  
and lemme know how the series is coming along and watch for part seven.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#17  
  
Turn tables turn! Turn!  
  
Part seven in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: While I may wish otherwise the only character I own is my blatant tribute to Mary Sue.Gabe so don't sue me.  
  
Something to note here is that this particular FF7 story is probably the shortest one I'll ever write. My original intention was to just lump  
  
this in with part six or even part eight but decided that after all the 5000 word plus episodes that have been published thus far a short  
  
part to move the plot along faster was in order. Anyway, sit back and enjoy.  
  
"THIS.is entertainment!" Mario stuffed some popcorn in his mouth and continued to watch the varied screens that depicted the fates of  
  
all the heroes with Dr. Wily standing at his side also watching. He turned to Alice Cooper, "But still.I worry a bit. It seems like some of  
  
them are managing to escape from the predicaments you set for them."  
  
Alice shrugged, "Don't worry. They're all going to be relocated in about," he looked down at his watch, "Twenty minutes."  
  
"You thought of everything didn't you?" Mario chuckled. This had turned out to be far more enjoyable then simply wiping them all out.  
  
"Everything. So, what's next for you once they're dead?"  
  
"Well.we're going to destroy the rest of Playstations cornerstones and once that's done we may move on to Microsoft and Sega. We  
  
don't really see either of them as a threat."  
  
"So, I guess it's pretty much smooth sailing for you then?"  
  
"Pretty much,"  
  
"Not quite freakmunkey."  
  
"What the hell?" Mario and Alice both looked to the door to see Tosha standing in the doorway.  
  
"Who the fuck are you?" demanded Alice.  
  
"Names Tosha."  
  
"How did you get past security?" asked Mario.  
  
"That's not important. What is important is that your fun ends here and now." For the moment Alice, Mario and Dr. Wily (Courtney  
  
wasn't there) anger and confusion were replaced with howling laughter. They didn't stop for several minutes and Tosha stood politely  
  
waiting for them to finish.  
  
"How do you plan on stopping our 'fun' as you call it?" inquired Wily.  
  
"Oh, it's pretty simple. You should have seen it coming yourself uhh.damn what's your name again?"  
  
"Dr. Wily."  
  
"Yeah that's it! Anyway, you should have seen this coming.I mean it's not like you even invented this yourself right?"  
  
Mario's eyes widened, "You didn't?!"  
  
"Well.um.I.you see."  
  
Tosha smiled and pulled out a cube similar to the one Mario and the others had, "Nope.got the idea from 90 year old drunk outside  
  
Food Lion in Waverly Virginia. All he really did was figure out who had the fan fic authors power. "See, a while ago Gabe was paranoid  
  
this would happen some day since he was trapped in Waverly for a time and had a box too. so he gave this to me and told me to keep  
  
in case of an emergency. To the surprise of no on I'm pretty sure he forgot about the whole thing."  
  
"So what do you plan to do?"  
  
"Well.I plan to take the power back. Destroy your box and just to be sure, kill the old guy. Then, we're going to bring everyone back  
  
and destroy you. Finally, we're going to destroy the fan fic authors power forever. Any questions?"  
  
"Um.nope."  
  
"Good! Let's get started." Tosha held up the box whispered something under her breath but just as the power was leaving Alice had  
  
presence of mind with his power to destroy both boxes causing the power to simply disappear in moments before it was all consumed by  
  
Tosha's box. Granted, he could have done something like destroy only Sarah's box but his fear of death.  
  
"Ha!" Mario had jumped from his seat and was striding towards Tosha.. "You can't destroy us now OR bring back the others! You failed!"  
  
Mario was now racing with ideas as to how to make this little bitch pay.  
  
"I kinda saw this coming," smiled Tosha walking backwards to avoid Mario laying her hands on her. "It's a good thing I was able to act  
  
fast enough to bring the guys back in the four or so seconds there was fan fic authors power in that box.oh and the old guys dead."  
  
"You didn't bring them back!"  
  
"Check."  
  
"No." Mario folded his arms and very much resembled a young, spoiled child.  
  
"Okay pudgy.have it your way."  
  
"Wily check." Dr. Wily nodded and briskly walked over to the window peering out and seeing a very confused looking group of heroes.  
  
He gulped and felt the color draining out of him.  
  
"Mario?"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I-I'm afraid you need to take a look at this." Mario stormed over to the window and after shoving Wily aside looked out, straining his  
  
eyes.  
  
"Son of a bitch! How the hell did you do that so fa-" Mario turned around determined to get an explanation from this mystery girl who  
  
had in moments ruined his life but, saw that she was gone. "W-where the hell did she go?"  
  
Alice shrugged, "Oh she left."  
  
"And you didn't stop her?!"  
  
"Why the hell should I? I'm on my way out. Have fun," Alice slowly pulled himself from his chair and walked towards the door with his  
  
cattle prod leaning on his shoulder.  
  
"Get back here! you can't leave!"  
  
"Watch me," moments later, Alice was out of view.  
  
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Mario created a fireball in his left hand and threw it at the wall burning it to ash in seconds.  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" asked Cid the first to notice her.  
  
"Tosha?" Gabe couldn't believe she was here. "What are you doing here."  
  
"Saving your ass's, remember the box you gave me."  
  
Gabe was silent for a moment then his eyes widened in sudden recollection, "Oh yeah! Well thank god you're here!"  
  
"Welcome."  
  
"So, is Mario gone?" questioned Billy.  
  
"No. Look, the ships are still up there."  
  
"Which means.. We still have to take these bastards on."  
  
"Should we head to the mansion and get them to come after us?" suggested Bruce.  
  
"Sure.haven't done THAT yet," said Fei sarcastically.  
  
"I got a call to make anyway," interjected Austin. "Might help us out."  
  
"Fine. Let's go."  
  
The mass of people slowly began to walk towards the mansion. One thing was on all their minds. It wasn't as if the thought was being  
  
transferred from person to person but it was a sinking feeling by all that the final battle was on the horizon.  
  
End.  
  
Short huh? Barely checks it with 1000 words. Anyway, the next two will be huge compared to this one and fairly chaotic. They'll also be  
  
up very, very soon so keep an eye open and thanks for reading.  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-# 18  
  
Not a real full scale war but an incredible simulation!  
  
Part eight in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing noteworthy.. So unless you're looking for a big pile of nothing, don't sue.  
  
  
  
  
  
Coming into the home stretch now as there are, counting what you're reading at this moment three parts left in the Nintendo Strikes  
  
Back saga. So, sit back and enjoy part eight.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Cloud.I really need to tell you something," even with all the chaos of the battle with Nintendo going on all around them, Aeris still had  
  
only one thing on her mind. She had thus far attempted to tell Cloud several times but now with only a couple people in his home office  
  
talking, she would finally tell him.  
  
Cloud looked up from his conversation with Fei and Bruce Willis and was about to tell his wife he'd be over there in a minute, but saw  
  
the severity on her face and knew he wouldn't get away with that. "Can you guys excuse me for a minute." Both nodded and stepped  
  
out of the office.  
  
Aeris waited until they where gone from view before she continued. "Cloud, I really-"  
  
"Need to tell me something?" Cloud smiled and kissed his wife, "We established that. What's wrong?"  
  
"Well.I went to the doctor and-" Yet again, Aeris's explanation was cut short with a tremendous explosion that caused Aeris to fall into  
  
Cloud's arms.  
  
"I can only imagine what that is," muttered Cloud.  
  
Norm bolted into the room, "You guys! Those Nintendo guys are all attacking the city! They're everywhere."  
  
"Wonderful. Bring everyone in here now." Norm nodded and ran off. Everyone was soon in Clouds office which in theory should have  
  
been a psychical impossibility.  
  
"We need to break up into smaller groups because it sounds like they're spreading out all over New Nibelheim. Okay, Rico, Dante, Cid,  
  
Red and Emeralda you're one group. Billy, Jay, Silent Bob, Cait Sith and Norm you're the next. Bart, Citan, Gabe, Barret and Yuffie  
  
you're the next group. Group four will be Maria, Tifa, Chu-Chu, Vincent, and Randal and last it'll be me, Fei, Austin, Aeris, Gabe's weird  
  
friend, and Elly. Bruce you're on your own correct?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
When we get out there just head in a direction. Okay? Good let's mosey."  
  
"God damn it!" cried Cid, "Say it like a man!" everyone turned and looked at Cid who apparently had gotten a new look. Instead of his  
  
pilots uniform he wore blue jeans, a black Dukes of Hazzard shirt and a leather jacket. His goggles remained where they always had  
  
been.  
  
"Haven't said that in awhile," murmured Cait.  
  
"Fine.LET'S MOVE OUT. Happy Cid?"  
  
"Yep," the group filed out of the room and headed outside, spreading out over the city.  
  
"Hey Stone Cold," asked Cloud as he walked alongside the others.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What was that phone call?"  
  
"I was gonna see if Vince could send some WWF guys to help us out."  
  
"Can he?"  
  
"Nah. Damn war with WCW."  
  
Cloud was about to respond but stopped as what seemed to be 20 Double Dragon III thugs and a two dozen ninjas Sagat seemed to  
  
stand as the leader of the group. "Ah.my first victims. How nice." He craned his neck to the ninjas and thugs, "Kill."  
  
Austin threw himself onto the DD III thugs while Fei went to work looking like a Bruce Lee clone dispatching several ninjas in seconds.  
  
Elly had drawn her gun and shot one in the face. Aeris stood back and created a barrage of fireballs mixed with lightning. Cloud saw his  
  
opening and went after Sagat. Tosha drew a shotgun not unlike the one Vincent carried and picked off two more ninjas Sagat threw an  
  
uppercut but Cloud avoided it and uppercut Cloud with his sword. Sagat hit the ground hard and looked up Cloud, he wiped a trickle of  
  
blood from his lower lip and smiled, "Not bad."  
  
"Wish I could say the same for you. No wonder no one ever picks you in Street Fighter."  
  
"I figured it's because no one wants to win," replied Sagat pulling himself to his feet.  
  
"Oh.delusional too?" Cloud went straight for Sagat's scarred chest but Sagat kicked him back then grabbed his head and whipped him  
  
into the wall. In the moment Cloud was dazed, Sagat drove a knee into Fei's spine then clotheslined Stone Cold. Sagat saw that his  
  
army was down to only a couple, and reached over and wrapped his massive arm around Elly who was shooting at the last of the DD III  
  
thugs and pulled her back disappearing in a flash of light.  
  
"Elly!" cried Fei throwing the last ninja aside and leaping into the light but catching only the ground. "That bastard!"  
  
"We'll get her back," reassured Cloud. "They're looking for hostages." Cloud looked around his group was in shambles. Austin was  
  
holding his neck and Aeris and Tosha where battered and bruised.  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
"You know Rico," observed Cid walking alongside him and the rest of his group, "You are one ugly bastard." Rico scowled and said  
  
nothing. Everyone stopped as they saw Blanka, Sabin, Shadow, Cyan, and the Battletoads as well as several bosses from various  
  
Megaman games and King Hippo.  
  
"This just screams 'we're fucked'" uttered Dante.  
  
"I agree." Red was almost wishing he was back in the room of endless mirrors.  
  
Blanka spotted them first and without a word spoken, the fight was on. Rico uppercut Blanka into a truck then speared him as he was  
  
getting up and began laying in the lefts and rights. Emeralda turned her arm into a sharp blade which sliced through two of the three  
  
Battletoads. She turned around only to have her legs frozen into the ground from Iceman then before she could react and escape from  
  
this with ease, Breakman, and Flashman blasted her at the same time and smiled as she fell to the ground and lay unmoving.  
  
Flashman and Breakmans victory was short lived as Cid came out of nowhere and drove his spear into the back of Flashman then  
  
brought it straight up, slicing him in half. Iceman reacted first and tried to freeze Cid into the ground. Cid saw it coming and jumped  
  
over throwing a grenade at Iceman sending him flying in various directions then landing on his feet and driving the Venus Gospel into  
  
Breakmans throat and pulled it violently to the right taking the head off.  
  
Cid smirked as he landed on his feet. Confident he still had it when Slash drove an elbow into the back of his head, then spun him  
  
around, and dropkicked him in the face. Cid made an attempt to get up but was kicked swiftly in the ribs. Cid coughed out some blood.  
  
He didn't believe he had ever been kicked in the ribs that hard in his entire life. He looked up to see another foot going for his face and  
  
moments later, everything went black.  
  
Rico recovered quickly from the stiff shot from Blanka and came back with a Flame Lariat. To his shock, Blanka shrugged the attack off  
  
like it was nothing. He was about to follow the attack up when Sabin who had just helped to finish off Cid, chopped him the throat then  
  
threw him towards Cyan who sliced his chest wide open with his sword. Rico roared and slumped down but as he did Blanka hit him with  
  
his big lightning attack and Rico fell to the ground. Emeralda had risen to her feet as had Cid. The both of them where incredibly dazed  
  
but managed to finish off Slash.  
  
Red had Hippo dazed and decided to go for the kill, he went straight for the throat but didn't count on the massive boxer grabbing the  
  
back of Red's neck and smashing him into the pavement. Dante charged at him with a piece of plywood and resisting the temptation to  
  
laugh for several minutes and gave the clerk one mighty deck that floored him with ease. Hippo saw the bloody Cid and Emeralda  
  
fighting in vain against Blanka, Sabin, Cyan, and Shadow and decided it was time to go. "Hey! Grab Cat-Dog, the big guy and the little  
  
guy and lets get the hell out of here."  
  
Blanka growled and grabbed Cid throwing him into a dumpster then watched as Sabin gave Emeralda a simple elbow shot in the jaw. He  
  
reached down and picked up Red while Blanka lifted up Rico and Shadow grabbed Dante. "Okay let's go." In a flash of light not unlike  
  
the one Sagat used they where gone. Cid pulled himself out of the Dumpster and helped Emeralda to her feet with no clue as to what  
  
his next move should be.  
  
In another part of the city.  
  
"Am I the only one who thinks this is total bullshit?" asked Bart cracking his whip along the legs of Yoshi and throwing him into the wall.  
  
"No argument from me," replied Gabe going sword to sword with Link and losing badly. All it took was ten minutes of serious fighting  
  
with this gunblade and his arms were racked with pain. He glanced to his left and saw Yuffie throwing a series of ninja stars at Kirby who  
  
simply opened his mouth sucked them in. He then spat them out and before Yuffie could leap away Balrog and Jax appeared and held  
  
her long enough for each ninja star to pierce her flesh one of which found a comfortable home in her exposed thigh. Balrog sneered  
  
and gave her a quick left jab that ended Yuffie's pain, if only for a few moments.  
  
"DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!" screamed Barret throwing himself into the small army of Pokemon and what seemed like four of every single  
  
Mario creature ever created. By Barret's estimation there were at least- well he couldn't count them all if he tried. All a different kind. It  
  
was at this point, Barret wished he had paid more attention to his daughters Pokemon obsession from the year before. Citan tried to cut  
  
his way into to help him but it was too late and Barret soon disappeared in the mass. Citan jumped back and was able to charge in and  
  
find Barret but did not get very far. He felt a tremendous shock through his body which heightened everything in him for a few seconds  
  
before it all went black.  
  
Bart clotheslined Jax with his whip then wrapped it around his throat and kicked him forward, jerking the whip and breaking Jax's neck.  
  
"Yer fuckin dead," growled Balrog charging at Bart and throwing a series of punches at Bart who dodged all of them, kicked Balrog in the  
  
jaw and finished him off with Angel.  
  
"Seems like it's the other way around," grinned Bart. Bart didn't waste any time celebrating and went after Link who had Gabe laying  
  
against the wall unable to lift up his gunblade anymore. Suddenly Link disappeared and when Bart whirled around he saw that the  
  
others were gone as well. All that remained were the Nintendo guys who had fallen, Bart. Gabe and Citan.  
  
Bart walked over to Gabe and helped him to his feet, "Why didn't they kill us all?"  
  
"That's a pretty good question," replied Gabe. "Let's help up Shitan and see if we can find some of the others."  
  
  
  
"Sounds good to me, Link sure kicked your ass."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."  
  
  
  
At the main Nintendo ship.that may coincidentally explain why Nintendo isn't killing everyone in one clean swoop.there IS a reason.I  
  
swear! Really! I'm not prolonging this series to waste time! No! Don't hit the back button! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Explain to me again why we aren't wiping them all out,"  
  
Mario shrugged, "It's obvious we have things well in hand.it's just a matter of toying with them before we finish them off. Besides, I  
  
want to have a few of them frozen. We could use a few of them for experiments and what not. You worry too much Wily. We'll have  
  
them gone by tomorrow and then we can move on."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
Elsewhere on the Nintendo ship.  
  
"You don't know?" hissed Princess Peach.  
  
The toadstool nodded slowly, "No Princess. Though it should be no longer then a couple days. Apparently, Mario is savoring his  
  
impending victory."  
  
"Which means, he could finish them off at any moment1 but instead will waste everyone's time. Fine let the bastard play his little  
  
games. I don't have anything better to do. Wait till he needs me then we'll see. We're out of vodka bring me some more."  
  
"Yes Princess," muttered the toadstool scurrying off.  
  
Back in the city.  
  
"Why did I get stuck with the worst group?" wondered Billy spinning both his guns and firing for all he was worth at Samsus. She powered  
  
up her blaster and fired, Billy jumped behind a car and tried to pick off a few of the thirty-foot toadstool mechs but after getting only  
  
one the car was destroyed knocking Billy into a wall. Billy recovered quickly and continued firing at Samsus, Wario, and any of the other  
  
seemingly countless Nintendo goons that were here. He couldn't even see his teammates but hopped they were doing better than he  
  
was.  
  
"Where the hells did you get that?" exclaimed Jay seeing Silent Bob produce a light saber and slicing Diddy Kong who had been  
  
pummeling Cait Sith in two. Norm was being beaten up by Wario.  
  
Billy fell to one knee as he felt blood pouring out of his left arm and knew he had broken a rib but gritted his teeth, and fired off  
  
several more rounds. These ones the most powerful bullets he had on him which sent Samsus falling to the ground and unmoving. Billy  
  
pulled himself to standing and took out two more of the toadstool mechs. He looked to his left and saw Jay and Silent Bob fall to  
  
Scorpion and Sub Zero who had come out of nowhere.  
  
"Imma Wario IMMA gonna win!" Wario conjured up a black fireball and threw it at Norm. It would have hit its target had it not been for  
  
Cait Sith who absorbed the blast with a Fire 3.  
  
  
  
Wario's eyes nearly popped out of his head, "You can't do that!"  
  
Cait Sith had been waiting for someone to say that one simple phrase for over four years. He raised his hands in a 'come on' fashion,  
  
"Well then, just bring I-ahhhhhhh!!!" Cait's long awaited catch phrase would be made to wait even longer as he was frozen solid by Sub  
  
Zero. The attack was nicely followed up with a soccer kick from Scorpion that shattered Cait into several million pieces.  
  
"Good kick sweets," remarked Sub Zero nodding with obvious approval.  
  
"Thanks.I gotta say though the way you froze this guy was pretty damn impressive. So, aren't we supposed to take some hostages?"  
  
Sub Zero shrugged, "I think so.I think this whole operation is a sham though."  
  
"Me too.I hope Sony takes us back if this whole thing falls through?"  
  
"Are you kidding? People'll never get tired of Mortal Kombat. We're set for life." Scorpion ducked as Silent Bob flew fast over his head.  
  
"Yeah.you're right as always honey. So, who should we take?"  
  
"Let's take that cute little skinny stonner, the fat boy he hangs out with and.that's it."  
  
"You're the boss."  
  
"At least until tonight."  
  
"Got me there." Scorpion reached down and picked up Jay who's head had been shoved into the ground. Sub Zero saw Silent Bob trying  
  
to pick himself up and reached over and shot a ball of ice into his face. Once he was out, he reached down and picked him up.  
  
"Shall we go?"  
  
  
  
"Call everyone off first silly."  
  
"Oh yes." he raised his hand up and cried, "PULL BACK!"  
  
"Huh?" Billy stopped firing at Samsus who had risen with revenge in her mind and looked to Scorpion and Sub Zero who disappeared  
  
suddenly and within seconds, everyone else followed leaving Billy, several melting ice chunks of Cait Sith and Norm.  
  
Let's check in on the last group.  
  
"They're not doing too well," muttered Bruce hiding behind a car and peering in on the attack. Chu-Chu had turned to mech and was  
  
battling several more toadstool mechs with giant (for them) arms. Randal and Maria were down and Vincent and Tifa where barely  
  
holding their own against Megaman X and Megaman, Donkey Kong, Ryu from Ninja Gaiden and countless others. Bruce had seen enough  
  
and leapt from the car opening fire on Donkey Kong and several ninjas. After a solid round, Donkey Kong was dead as was most of the  
  
ninjas. Bruce glanced to his left and saw Megaman coming at him and didn't react quickly enough as Megaman charged up and blasted  
  
Bruce through a building.  
  
"Okay let's go!" barked Pacman not surprisingly Ryu picked up Maria and Baraka threw Randal over his shoulder. Everyone suddenly  
  
teleported away and the only Chu-Chu holding the head of one of the toadstool mechs, Tifa, Vincent and Bruce Willis who emerged  
  
from the building a few minutes later.  
  
Forty minutes later on the main Nintendo ship.  
  
"All the groups have checked in with hostages," reported Link walking into Mario's office.  
  
"It took you long enough," Mario leaned forward in his seat with Dr. Wily standing at his side. "Let's wait a few minutes as I'm sure  
  
they'll gather then, we'll release all the troops at once and destroy them in one single shot and we'll be done here."  
  
"And the hostages?"  
  
Mario rolled his eyes and turned to Wily, "Didn't I go over this already?"  
  
"Not with him."  
  
He sighed, "We'll kill a few and freeze the rest. You never know when we may need them."  
  
"Gotcha, we'll attack on your command," Link turned and walked out.  
  
"Well it seems losing the fan fic authors power didn't make much of a difference did it?"  
  
"No. I have to admit I'm surprised at how little a factor it ended up playing. Let's get ready to go watch the big fight. But before we  
  
go.Wily?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Push the button."  
  
"All right," Mario got up to leave and after Wily pushed the button he followed.  
  
Outside the Mayors Mansion.  
  
"Seems like you guys didn't do too well either," remarked Cloud to Bart.  
  
"Nope. Seems like a lot of us were taken."  
  
"What the hell do we do now?" asked Cid standing amongst all of the surviving heroes.  
  
"NOW YOU CAN DIE!!!"  
  
"Oh great." exclaimed Fei as everyone looked ahead of them to see the entire assembled Nintendo army.  
  
"Hey, I didn't know there was a giant screen with Mario's ugly face on it on the main Nintendo ship."  
  
"There wasn't Steve," replied Tifa.  
  
"Now is the time when you all die. You've lasted a lot longer then I thought you would. But it seems your luck is up. Goodbye." The  
  
picture disappeared and the screen folded in two.  
  
Link drew his sword and stood at the head of the head of the monstrous army. Because most of the buildings were destroyed there was  
  
more than enough room for the army to fill the city. "Bye bye."  
  
"I think it's you who should be saying goodbye," came a sudden sharp voice. Everyone now looked to their left and saw several WWF  
  
wrestlers which included Triple H, Edge and Christian, Raven, Albert, Kane, Undertaker, The Big Show, The Hardy Boyz, Chris Beniot,  
  
Chris Jericho, the APA, Dudley Boyz and Spike Dudley. Triple H turned to Stone Cold, "Seems like we could spare a few minutes in  
  
between kicking WCW's sorry ass."  
  
"You ain't the only ones!" came yet another sudden sharp voice.  
  
"I'm getting really tired of having to turn my fucking head," muttered Gabe as looked to the right to see a group of WCW wrestlers that  
  
included Booker T, Sting, Chuck Palumbo, Buff Bagwell, Diamond Dallas Page, and about a dozen more.  
  
"We ain't gonna let you WWF guys show us up in ANYTHING! And that includes full scale wars with video game icons!"  
  
Link was at a loss for words but finally shook his head, "This doesn't mean a thing! WE'RE kicking YOUR ass's and that's all there is to  
  
it. LET'S GET EMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!"  
  
Whatever was left of the city of New Nibelheim was quickly laid to waste in the massive battle royal that was going on. The addition of  
  
the WWF/WCW wrestlers allowed for the heroes to cut through most of- Nintendo's expendable fighters but at least two hundred still  
  
remained. "Man." exclaimed Cloud ducking under a clothesline from Sagat and cutting his left arm off. "Chaotic doesn't even begin to  
  
describe it." He saw the arm less screaming Sagat and smiled, he had been wanting to get some revenge from his last fight and this  
  
was his chance.  
  
"You will pay!" roared Sagat feebly throwing a flaming uppercut which Cloud jumped away from and drove his blade into his shoulder  
  
slicing it straight up and taking the other arm with it. Cloud then kicked Sagat into one of the many fighting crowds and knew he was  
  
finished. Taking no time to rest, Cloud threw himself into a battle with a half dozen Megaman bosses.  
  
Fei blocked the last kick from Sabin and floored him with a crippling roundhouse. "You'll pay for that!" he growled wiping the blood away  
  
from his upper lip. Fei powered up and went for the kill but felt another presence coming at him and turned to face it. He was a moment  
  
too late however as Cyan brought his sword down across Fei's chest drove his shoulder into Fei and spun him around to meet a left  
  
hook from Sabin which was followed by a uppercut roundhouse kick. Nearby the APA had taken Fox Mclouds head off with a double lariat  
  
after taking down his ship with a car. Billy looked through the crowd and saw Samsus blasting Chuck Palumbo into dust and wanted to  
  
send him (Author note: I am well aware it's a woman) away for good. Drawing his gun and taking down two giant goombas and putting  
  
two of his top bullets through Bald Bull's heart, Billy shot his way through the crowd and was able to sneak up on her and shoot him in  
  
the back of the head. Billy decided he would never get the kill with the armor and while he was dazed yanked his helmet off to see that  
  
he was a she (Authors note: see?!). Billy was stunned and was stunned long enough for Samsus to shoot him in the chest and uppercut  
  
him several feet away.  
  
"I'm gonna kick your ass ONCE AND FOR ALL!" cried Gabe putting every last ounce of strength into charging at Link and throwing several  
  
attacks one of which sliced Link's shoulder wide open. Grimacing, Link charged up his sword and floored Gabe with it. As he tried to get  
  
up Blanka came at him and Gabe was able to react fast enough to slice his throat open then jump back and unleash his one special  
  
attack, which he would later dub Devine Sword. Once Blanka fell to the ground dead, Gabe resumed his battle with Link. A few feet away  
  
Tifa and Aeris were in a rare moment of unification as they stood near one another and kept what seemed like a never-ending horde of  
  
ninjas at bay.  
  
Stone Cold cracked a car door over the head of Ryu and was shocked when the ninja recovered quickly and dropkicked him. As Austin  
  
was getting up and Ryu was about to go for the kill with his ninja sword, Triple H threw the dead Mr. Sandman aside and spun Ryu  
  
around flooring him with an elbow smash. He then picking him and up and smashing his head into one of the few surviving buildings  
  
and back body dropped him into the main section of the battle.  
  
The WCW wrestlers were not fairing as well. The only ones remaining where DDP, Sting and Booker T. Page was in the midst of a battle  
  
against several dozen really strange looking zombie soldiers careful to avoid Kane or Undertaker. Sting was simply taking names down  
  
with his bat and Booker T who was hoping to god he'd come up with some new catch phrases soon was fighting all the guys from Contra.  
  
He glanced out to his right and saw one of them aiming at him and grabbing the guy next to him threw him to the first guy and then  
  
finished him off with an ax kick.  
  
"I can't believe it," lamented Cid pulling his spear out of Leonardo the last surviving Ninja Turtle. "I.saved Yuffie!"  
  
Yuffie pulled herself up and kicked back an oncoming Giant Panther. Then grabbed his arm and twisted it violently to the right, breaking  
  
it. She then kneed him in the face and looked at Cid, "You.saved me."  
  
"I did."  
  
"Old bastard!"  
  
"Thieving whore!" Cid noticed someone he had been meaning to kill and charged in glad things hadn't got too awkward. Vincent watched  
  
Cid dart past him and spun his new shotgun and picked off both the guys from Bad Dudes.  
  
When another hour had passed it was obvious the Nintendo forces where being repelled. Link looked around and decided it was time for  
  
him to check in with Mario. He drove his sword into the heart of a charging Albert and using the Star Trek like pin under his arm  
  
teleported away.  
  
And on the main Nintendo ship.  
  
"How does it look like we're doing?" asked Mario watching the battle with Wily.  
  
"I dunno," he replied. "I guess we're doing all right."  
  
"Mario! Mario!" Mario and Dr. Wily turned and saw Link run into the room, his eyes frantic.  
  
"Yes Link? How are we doing?"  
  
"Well.. We're being cut down somewhat."  
  
"Well we knew there'd be a few weak links in the group. How many of us are left?"  
  
"Um.about a hundred."  
  
"A HUNDRED?! FROM 2000?!?!?!?!"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"SON OF A BITCH!! WELL WHAT ABOUT THE GUYS WHO ARE STILL LEFT?! HOW ARE THEY DOING?"  
  
"I give us another hour."  
  
"ANOTHER HOUR!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"So, should we retreat?"  
  
"YES!! NOW!!"  
  
"Gotcha. I'll go fire the retreat flares."  
  
"GOOD! THANK YOU!" Link walked out quickly, wondering if Mario was upset with him.  
  
"Remember what your doctor said about stress?"  
  
"YES! BUT I LIKE YELLING!"  
  
"Anyway.we need to figure out a plan now. I recommend we get them to gather and take them out."  
  
"WE DON'T LASERS STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL THEM ALL IN ONE CLEAN SWOOP SO WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET THEM ALL!"  
  
"Well we have hostages.we could let them come to us. We can pick them off like flies then."  
  
"FINE. DOESN'T SEEM LIKE WE HAVE A LOT OF OTHER OPTIONS DO WE?"  
  
"No. It seems not."  
  
"THEN LET'S GET READY. BUT BEFORE WE DO, WILY?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"PUSH THE BUTTON." Wily nodded and pushed the button as the two left.  
  
Back on the ground.  
  
"They're gone." said Fei.  
  
"We got screwed out of killing them AGAIN," cried Gabe.  
  
"Seems like it," sighed Citan. "They also have several of our own hostage."  
  
  
  
"They're expecting us to run in there," replied Cloud. "So we need to wait a few hours and attack out of nowhere."  
  
  
  
"Sure. It's been a whole two hours since we last went into your mansion to plan something."  
  
"I think they just keep using it as an excuse to show off their house," remarked Billy as everyone made their way to the mansion.  
  
"Do we even have enough room for all the wrestlers?" asked Vincent.  
  
"Sure.."  
  
  
  
End.  
  
  
  
This chapter sure sucked didn't it? Man I can't fucking write.I'm depressed now.the whole lot of you can just burn in hell.  
  
  
  
  
  
Seriously, I didn't like the end result of this chapter much but oh well it's needed to continue the saga which now has but two parts left  
  
in it. Thanks for reading and let me know if you liked it.  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#19  
  
Come on, there's time for ANOTHER standstill. The final battles about to begin!  
  
Part nine in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: With the exception of my indulgent, egotistical self-insertion character I own nothing so don't sue.  
  
  
  
  
  
I'm afraid you're going to have to do without my little rant so sit back and enjoy.  
  
"I say we attempt escape."  
  
"Go for it Jay." Elly's tolerance of Jay having been forced to sit in a cell with him along with the other hostages for nearly six hours was  
  
beginning to deteriorate. It had in fact been almost wiped out well into the first five minutes.  
  
"I would.b(sobs)ut uh.Silent Bob is scared and when the tubby bitch gets scared he starts sobbing like a little girl wit a skinned knee.  
  
And there's nothing worse then watching a fat man weep."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Do you think the others are gonna come for us?" asked Randal.  
  
"Nahhhhh."  
  
"Barret!" Maria scowled.  
  
"JOKING. Geez. Sure, they'll come for us. I still can't believe how badly I got my ass kicked."  
  
"I don't."  
  
"Burn in hell Rico."  
  
"Make me."  
  
"You make me make you."  
  
"Well, you make me make you make you."  
  
"Oh yeah? Well you can make-"  
  
  
  
"ENOUGH!" the cry of everyone else in the cell was enough to deter the two from their battle and both quickly fell silent.  
  
"They better come up with a plan soon," remarked Yuffie who had several small cuts on her legs. She would have done away with them  
  
but amazing enough, she did not have a Cure Materia on her.  
  
Back at the mansion.where the top minds of the good team are hard at work.  
  
"I give up. They're dead."  
  
"Cloud, please don't be so negative," scolded Aeris. "We'll get them."  
  
"Does ANYONE have a better idea then to attack the ship head on?" asked Gabe aloud.  
  
"Well," began Fei. "We could get them to send out all their guys and in the battle get maybe four or five of us up to their ship and not  
  
only get the hostages but maybe take out Mario himself."  
  
"Sounds like a really crappy plan but okay."  
  
"Can we come in?" came the whiny voice of Kurt Angle from outside the war room with the other wrestlers save for Stone Cold and  
  
Booker T.  
  
"No. There's no room."  
  
"Awwww."  
  
"What a whiner. So, do we just go out there and call them out?"  
  
"Sounds good to me."  
  
"I guess we should get out there then," Cloud and those who were lucky enough to get a seat got up and headed out with all the others  
  
to go after Nintendo for the last time.  
  
"Cloud, wait!" Cloud stopped and tuned to face Aeris.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You really need to know that I-"  
  
"Come on man!" cried the new Cait Sith poking his head in the door.  
  
Aeris threw her arms in the air, "Fuck it, let's go." She shook her head and ran out the door.  
  
"What's with her? Cloud didn't put much more thought into it and ran out after them.  
  
  
  
Outside.on the Nintendo Ship  
  
"They're out there. Just like we said," Dr. Wily was strangely giddy with anticipation. He ran over to Mario who nodded and grinned evil  
  
like.  
  
"Good. We're gonna go through with the plan of sending down everyone but.who did we agree on?"  
  
"Link, Ninja Gaiden, Samsus, Pikachu, Simon Belmont, Megaman and Earthworm Jim."  
  
"Right. They think they're pretty clever but when they send a couple of their best guys up here to get the hostages they're in for a huge  
  
surprise. He threw his head back and laughed. "At last we're going to finish them off and victory will be ours. Send down everyone else."  
  
"Gotcha."  
  
Outside.NOT on the Nintendo ship a few minutes later  
  
"Gah! It's creepy the way they all appear at once," observed Cid shaking his head and drawing the Venus Gospel. The two groups stood  
  
staring one another down silence between them before Cloud got bored and charged in prompting the others to follow. Cloud put down  
  
Little Mac with a single attack then felt an overwhelming force drive into the back of his head. Cloud stumbled forward then spun around  
  
to see Sagat before him complete with two cybernetic replacements for his arms which Cloud had severed. "Like em?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good, then it'll be even more enjoyable when I use these to crush your skull!" Sagat charged at Cloud and threw a series of lets and  
  
rights which Cloud narrowly avoided and blocked with his sword. Cloud was so absorbed in dodging Sagat's imposing arms he wasn't  
  
prepared for the kick to his stomach. Cloud doubled over but still kept Sagat at bay with his sword.  
  
Emeralda saw Edgar uppercuting Undertaker to the ground and felt the anger at what he had done to her explode. Creating a blade in  
  
her right hand, the young girl cut her way through the throng of fighters and caught Edgar just as he turned to face her. Slicing his chest  
  
open then attacking again and creating a slight cut on his forehead. Edgar tried to recover but was kicked in the crotch twice in the time  
  
it should have taken for a single kick. Edgar threw two blind punches but hit nothing but air. Emeralda tripped him and began kicking  
  
him with everything she had.  
  
Vincent saw Albert being pummeled by Kano and pulled his shotgun out of Pac Mans head and fired at Kano several times.  
  
Unfortunately, Kano saw the shots coming and threw Albert in front of them. Vincent could do nothing but watch as Albert took the full  
  
brunt of the shotgun blasts and fell to the ground unmoving. "Bastard," Vincent concentrated all his energy into forming himself into  
  
Chaos and throwing Gut Man aside to grab Kano and shoot up above the battle. Chaos drove his fangs into Kano's neck as his hands  
  
clenched around his arms and ripped them both off just as he tore his neck open. Chaos let go of everything at once and let them fall  
  
back into the battle royal.  
  
"Hey, I think I'm getting better at handing this thing," exclaimed Gabe who was looking for Link but had to settle for one of the Blues  
  
Brothers. He wasn't sure which one it was. But he was sure that this guy could punch really hard as evidence by the bruises forming on  
  
his neck and face. Nearby, Stone Cold and Bruce Willis were fighting side by side picking off whoever they came into contact with. Which  
  
included the knight from Ghosts and Ghouls, Wario and numerous others.  
  
Back on the Nintendo ship.  
  
"Well, it looks they're fighting down there," remarked Barret peering through the tiny window of their cell.  
  
"We need to get the hell out of here," said Dante. "But how? This cell's made of something we can't break through. We all tried. And  
  
the doors are some kind of electric barrier."  
  
"Well, we could get Elly to do a fake seduction on the guard and get him to open the door while we all pretend to sleep."  
  
"The guard would have to be a moron of the worst kind to fall for that," shot down Red XIII.  
  
Three minutes later.  
  
"I can't believe you wanna do this!" giggled the ninja once he had turned off the electric door and made his way into the cell towards  
  
Elly.  
  
"I can't uh.help myself. You're so.ummm."  
  
"Sexy!" coughed Randal casually while still pretending to sleep.  
  
"Sexy! You're so sexy."  
  
"Well, the last three times this happened to me the girl just wanted to escape!"  
  
"Really? I don't believe that," Elly reached over and put an arm around the ninja.  
  
"Well, you're lucky the smart guard's not on duty right now."  
  
"I know," the moment Elly said this, Barret brought his gun arm down on the back of the ninja knocking him out cold. "All right let's go,"  
  
everyone carefully walked out of the cell and left walking down the hall in single file. Red wondered how many more times he would  
  
have to do this over the course of the week.  
  
Back on the battle field.  
  
"Okay, let's get up there. Let's send myself, Fei, and Stone Cold up there," Cloud ducked under a ninja being thrown by Tifa and  
  
headed for the front of the battle grabbing Fei and Austin as he did.  
  
"How the hell are we gonna get up there?" asked Fei.  
  
"I thought this out," replied Cloud producing a mastered Ice Materia and creating a makeshift ice ladder that stretched to the top  
  
Nintendo vessel. The three climbed up and once at the top found an opening and squeezed themselves inside.  
  
"Wow.spacious."  
  
End.  
  
  
  
  
  
Final Fantasy 7-#20  
  
No need for a conclusion!  
  
The final chapter in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga  
  
Written by Gabe Ricard  
  
Disclaimer: With the exception of my indulgent, egotistical self-insertion character I own nothing so don't sue.  
  
  
  
Here it is at long last, the final chapter in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga. This is by far the longest thing I have ever written. I really  
  
enjoyed putting this entire little epic of mine out. When I wrote this four years ago this was my ultimate goal and I just wanted to thank  
  
those of you have stuck through this series from it's days of horrible, egotistical self indulgence to minor self indulgence. Sit back and  
  
enjoy the conclusion to the saga.  
  
  
  
"Wow.spacious."  
  
"You already said that Steve."  
  
"Well.it is." The three found themselves looking up an imposing flight of metal stair that seemed to go up forever. Surrounding them  
  
was a massive boiler room. Cloud wondered if this boiler room made the ship really bottom-heavy.  
  
"So, where do you think these stairs go?" wondered Fei to no on in particular.  
  
"Up."  
  
"Ha, ha Cloud."  
  
"Let's go and be careful. God knows what could be at the top of these stairs." Stone Cold and Fei nodded and began walking up the  
  
stairs. Cloud was having flashbacks to a similar experience at Shinra a few years ago. The end of the stairs saw a large deck with a door  
  
that fit with the rest of the settings rather well. They opened the door and were greeted with a dozen ninjas that looked as if they had  
  
been pumped with several thousand steroids.  
  
"We been waiting for you," growled the ninja at the front of the group. His eyes squinted to give the impression he and the others  
  
meant business.  
  
"You have?"  
  
"Oh come on. You knew it was a crappy plan as soon as we got here. Let's just kick their asses and get on."  
  
"Fine with me," Fei threw himself onto the front ninja and started laying in the lefts and rights, overcoming him quickly and smashing  
  
his head into a wall. Fei turned around and threw a left at another. By now Steve Austin and Cloud threw themselves into the fight and  
  
were tearing apart the thugs at record pace. Within minutes, they were all finished and the three heroes moved on. Cloud was about to  
  
reach over and open the door at the end of the hallway but was stopped by Austin.  
  
"Lemme handle that." The Texas Rattlesnake stood back and kicked the door twice as it didn't budge. "Son of a bitch."  
  
Fei rolled his eyes, "I'll do it." Fei seemed to lose himself in concentration for a moment before standing back and in a single kick  
  
crushing the door in two. Cloud whistled impressively and walked through.  
  
"I softened it up for you," muttered Steve looking down.  
  
"Sure," Fei chuckled and followed.  
  
"Hey, this rooms all dark." Cloud felt around the wall to see if he could find the switch but was unable. The lights burst on and in front of  
  
them stood another dozen ninjas. One of them appearing to be eight feet tall and weigh several hundred pouds.  
  
"What is this? The obstacle course from hell?"  
  
"Sure feels like it."  
  
And on the battlefield below.  
  
"WHERE ARE YOU CLOUD!?" Sagat gave crushing jab Matt Hardy's throat then pressed him and threw him into a truck before returning to  
  
his search for a man he wanted to extract revenge on. He saw Jeff Hardy coming at him and clotheslined him nearly taking his head off.  
  
Farther to the left, Tifa was leaning against a car holding her ribs and breathing heavy. Her entire body felt drained and she didn't think  
  
she could move another inch. It didn't really seem to matter as Sabin was closing in on her with his chain saw.  
  
"This looks like the end," Tifa thought clenching her teeth. Suddenly Edgar burst into flames and fell to the ground screaming. Tifa saw  
  
that standing near him was Aeris who looked better then anyone else Tifa had seen in the battle.  
  
"You owe me so badly," smirked Aeris.  
  
"Bah. Cure me and we'll see." Aeris nodded and cast Pulse of Life restoring Tifa's strength. She had wanted to cast Great Gospel at  
  
several points in the battle but knew she would catch some of the Nintendo fighters as she did so decided it was useless. She continued  
  
to cast it on herself while she moved through the battle and healed anyone who was badly injured and still alive. She didn't know if any  
  
member of Avalanche had a Phoenix Down on them so she was only able to heal those who were still alive.  
  
"Now you owe me."  
  
"Whatever. Thanks," Tifa put her hands into battle stance and charged back into the battle flooring an upright Yoshi who had been  
  
trying to stuff Yuffie down his throat with a roundhouse kick. Cait Sith was handling Banjo and Kazooie with ease but an interception  
  
from Triple H who broke off Kazooie's beak and cut open Banjo's skull with it. Hunter wound back and fired in some lefts and rights then  
  
kicked him back to Cait who clawed his eyes out and jumped back onto the moggle. Seconds later he was attacked by a beakless,  
  
bleeding Kazooie who he quickly overcame by wrapping a dice shaped grenade around him and throwing him away. Triple H snapped  
  
Banjo's neck then tossed him aside and noticed Sagat and zeroed in.  
  
"I really don't belong here," grumbled Tosha hitting Celes in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Over to her left, Bruce Willis and  
  
Billy were standing back to back shooting anything that even looked as if it belonged to Nintendo.  
  
Gabe pulled the gunblade out of E Honda's heart and feeling extremely pleased with himself looked for someone else. Seeing Turok  
  
Gabe attempted to sneak up on him from behind but sensing him with ease, Turok spun around and drove a hunting knife into his  
  
shoulder then kicked him to the ground. Turok readied his bow but before he could fire, Undertaker nailed him with a running big foot  
  
and proceeded to pick him up and give him a Last Ride several hundred feet into the ground. Taker reached down and helped Gabe to  
  
his feet. "Thanks."  
  
"Don't mention it."  
  
Back on Nintendo's ship.  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed Link. "What the fuck are they doing out of the cell?" all of Mario's chosen few to stay aboard the ship jumped to  
  
attention at the site of Barret, Elly and the others who stopped dead in their tracks.  
  
"TOLD YOU we should have taken a left," growled Barret to Rico.  
  
"Oh shut up."  
  
"Mario's not going to like this," warned Samsus.  
  
"Well we don't have time to go tell him! Let's just take these guys out and get ready for the others." Link drew his sword and ran  
  
towards Rico who punched Link in the jaw and sent him flying back, finally prompting everyone else to break out in battle.  
  
"Well I guess that does it for the hostages," Cloud remarked.  
  
"Seems like it. Should we help them?"  
  
"I guess so," Cloud charged at Samsus who had blasted Elly into the wall and drove the sword into her back. Stone Cold ducked Simon  
  
Belmont and gave him a resounding stunner causing him to fly back into a Big Shot from Barret.  
  
Link watched the battle going on and knew they were finished. Wiping the blood from his lip, Link slipped behind the door and headed  
  
for Mario's office.  
  
Checking in on the battle field.  
  
Bart shot his whip out and snapped Megaman X in the face. X snarled and aimed his blaster to fire back but in a flash of light, his gun  
  
arm fell to the ground. "What the-?!" he turned around to see Citan holding his sword across from his face. Before X could say  
  
something witty Citan leaped into the air and drove the sword into Megaman X's chest in a single stabbing motion the sword poking out  
  
through X's spine. X pushed himself off the sword and turned to retreat only to get finished off with a Dragon Dive from Cid. Who  
  
immediately went back into the main area of battle? Nintendo's numbers were now down to about 30.  
  
Mario's office.  
  
"You're full of shit."  
  
"No, YOU'RE full of shit."  
  
"Neil Young did not co-write Streets of Philadelphia with Bruce Springsteen!"  
  
"He did too!" snapped Dr. Wily. "He put together the soundtrack and helped Bruce write the song for it! I saw it on VH1."  
  
"Whatever," Mario the second Link burst into the office scaring the hell out of Mario and Wily. "T-the hostages escaped! And the guys  
  
below are dropping like flies!"  
  
  
  
"Do we have anyone left?!"  
  
"The. uh. personal on all the ships."  
  
"Good! send them into battle."  
  
"Are you sure you want-"  
  
"NOW!"  
  
Three minutes later.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"The personal are dead. And we now have no one to fly the ships."  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!!"  
  
"Can't we fly the ship?" inquired Dr. Wily.  
  
"No.we.um.cut the budget for training all the employees. We just killed everyone that could potentially fly any of these three ships."  
  
"Wonderful," he turned to Dr. Wily. "Head to the engine room and program the thirty minute detination for all three ships. It's time to  
  
cut our losses."  
  
"What about the others below?"  
  
"Fuck them. We need to worry about ourselves. Let's head out of here."  
  
"Should one of us get your wife on the way?"  
  
"She's smart enough to figure it out. Let's go!"  
  
Elsewhere on the ship.  
  
The moment Rico was shot in the face and chest by Megaman and Samsus. The lights went out and were replaced with a mixture of  
  
darkness and a flashing red light. An annoying beeping sound added to the atmosphere.  
  
This ship will self-destruct in thirty minutes  
  
"Well this brings the day down," Simon shook his head as he tried to tighten his whip around Clouds neck.  
  
"Pika! Pika!"  
  
"Damn right. Let's kill these guys and get out of he-omf!" Simon was cut short as Red drove his head into his stomach. Then used his  
  
back legs to push himself up and kick Simon in the face.  
  
"Things are not looking good," thought Megaman who sprung a quick makeshift plan in his mind and shot four smoke bombs onto the  
  
ground, creating a cloud of smoke that made it impossible to see anything other then shadows.  
  
"There he goes," Cloud ran after the shadow he believed to be Megaman and found himself running down a smoke free hallway. He did  
  
not see Megaman but heard something from the door nearby and with hand clenched tightly on his sword swung the door open and with  
  
all the caution he could muster, walked through the door.  
  
"Shit!" Mario stopped dead in his tracks and stared open-mouthed at Cloud.  
  
"So you're Mario? Damn you're pudgy."  
  
"At least I don't look like I'm auditioning for Dragonball Z!"  
  
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"  
  
"Never!"  
  
"TAKE IT BACK!"  
  
Mario created a large, ominous fireball in his right hand, "Make me."  
  
"Arghhhh!!!!" Cloud raised his gunblade high and swung with evil intentions at Mario who jumped out of the way and threw the fireball he  
  
had conjured moments ago. Cloud jumped back to avoid it but fell against the wall. Mario seized the advantage and propelled himself  
  
like a cannonball into Cloud's chest. For added punishment as Mario sprang to normal standing he gave Cloud a quick 1-2 punch  
  
combo and landed a few feet in front of him. Not even taking time to see if Mario had drawn blood with his vicious punches, Cloud  
  
gritted his teeth and went for the kill a second time.  
  
Had enough of these?  
  
"The smokes starting to clear," said Randal trying to clear the last remnants away with his hat then putting it back once people could  
  
see him so no one would ever see him without it on.  
  
"Hey! All the Nintendo guys are gone and so is Jay, Silent Bob, Cloud and Yuffie."  
  
"Great," replied Dante dripping with sarcasm. "So we got about twenty five- "  
  
Twenty three minutes until self destruction  
  
Dante rolled his eyes, "Twenty three minutes until this ship explodes so should we get off of here or should we hunt down the other  
  
Nintendo guys."  
  
  
  
"Let's try and get off this ship and if you see any Nintendo guys kick their asses. Agreed?" Barret crossed his arms.  
  
"Agreed."  
  
"Good. Let's go."  
  
Too bad if you've had enough of these! It's an easy answer for a lazy writer!  
  
"Tell me I'm a genius Silent Bob. Tell me." Silent Bob lit his 45th cigarette of the day and nodded. "We're gonna find some rooms to  
  
loot and then we're gonna paid and laid," he chuckled. "Let's check this room out," Jay swung the door open and leapt in with Silent  
  
Bob. "Snootch to the-holy shit Silent Bob! Check it out!"  
  
"AHHHHH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET THE FUCK OUT!!" Princess Peach made some semblance to cover up her  
  
complete nudity but being surprisingly busty and full figured didn't do a very good job.  
  
"See Silent Bob? The bitches KNOW I'm here without even seeing me and get ready."  
  
"DIE!!" Princess aimed her left hand at the stoners and shot a blast of energy at them. Jay would have been disintegrated instantly had  
  
Silent Bob not grabbed his shoulder and yanked him out of harms way. "You little bastards are gonna pay!" Peach raised her hand and  
  
caused the TV to levitate and threw it at Jay and Silent Bob who avoided that as well. Jay by now was completely lost staring at the  
  
Princess and would have been finished off by the ice ball Peach was conjuring if Silent Bob hadn't broke a chair over her head.  
  
"Woah. Thanks tons of fun. So what're we gonna do with her?"  
  
A few minutes pass.  
  
"You little fucking stoners!" cried Peach trying to free herself from the ropes Jay and Silent had tied her up with. "When I get out of  
  
here, I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them to you ONE AT A FUCKING TIME!" Princess continued to struggle while muttering  
  
swear words and threats under her breath.  
  
"Anything else?" asked Jay. Silent Bob grabbed a pillowcase from the bed and walked over to the Princess stuffing the sheet in her  
  
mouth. "Perfect. And check this out, there's like 40 bazillion bucks here!" Jay walked over to the table and snatched as much of the  
  
cash as he could stuffing it in his pocket and walking out with Silent Bob. When they came out they were met by Yuffie.  
  
"There's money in there. You can have the rest."  
  
"Really! Sweet!"  
  
  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
"Wow," thought Barret. "This is one hell of a kitchen. Its true we only got a few minutes before we all die but dammit I'm gonna get me  
  
a Pop Tart."  
  
"Pika! Pika!"  
  
"AHHHHHHH! What the hell?!" Barret spun around to see Pikachu sitting on the table tearing into what appeared to be the last box of  
  
Pop Tarts. "You little shit!"  
  
  
  
"Piiiiiiiiika! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiika!" Pikachu appeared to be on the verge of powering up but before he could, Barret grabbed him and threw him in  
  
the microwave hitting the ON button and standing back as Pikachu exploded and filled the microwave with blood, guts and little yellow  
  
chunks of skin. Annoyed at being denied a Pop Tart, Barret walked out to continue his search for a way out. He then ran into Stone  
  
Cold, Red XIII and the rest of the group save for Cloud.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile.  
  
Fifteen minutes until self-destruction  
  
Link weighed the options in his mind and decided he must tie up one loose end before he left this doomed ship. Taking out his  
  
teleporter, Link waited until he spotted Gabe down below and teleported himself down, grabbing Gabe and then teleporting away just as  
  
quickly.  
  
"What the hell?" once on the ship, Gabe shoved Link aside and aimed his gunblade at him. "What am I doing on this ship?"  
  
"You're going to die. I never leave business like this unfinished. Never."  
  
"Oh yeah?  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"I.. Don't have a clever comeback."  
  
  
  
"Damn. Really?"  
  
"No.I'm not good at that."  
  
"Well, what I always do is-" Link paused then snapped into a fury. "What the fuck am I saying?! Dieeeeeeee!" Link drew his sword and  
  
charged at Gabe throwing everything he could at him and winning. Gabe as always was barely was able to keep up. He had grown more  
  
use to using the hefty gunblade and therefore was able to put up a slightly better fight. Link however knew, Gabe wouldn't keep up for  
  
more then a few minutes. Link eventually knocked the gunblade out of his hand and had him at the end of the ship on the very edge.  
  
Link sneered as he held his sword a mere inch from Gabe's throat.  
  
"This is kinda sad if this is one of your only ambitions.. To kill people that had even one conflict with you."  
  
"Hey you had a couple."  
  
"But it's not like I'm a worthy opponent."  
  
"True.but you still have to die." Link drew back his weapon and was about to bring it down on Gabe when suddenly, the ground beneath  
  
him seemed to "spring open" causing Link to fly over head and disappear under the ship. Gabe looked to the spot were Link had been  
  
propelled and saw that it was Barret. "Gabe! What the hell you doin up here?"  
  
"Umm."  
  
"Doesn't matter," Barret opened the door all the way and squeezed out along with the others with the exception of not surprisingly  
  
Cloud. "Here," Barret threw Gabe a parachute. "We found a shit load of these and brought some extras. Though we gotta leave the rest  
  
here for Cloud or any of the others that ain't here."  
  
"So we just go?"  
  
"Yeah. Come on." Gabe nodded and dove off the ship with the others. Dante and Randal were the only ones who did not jump.  
  
"Are you sure we wanna do this?" inquired Dante.  
  
"Sure. This is just like that time I accidentally set you on fire and had to throw several boxes of baking soda at you."  
  
"No it's not."  
  
"Well I-" he shoved Dante over. "Whoops."  
  
"IIIIIIIIIIIII'LLLLLLL GEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT YOUUUUUUUU RANNNNNDDDDDDDDDDAAAAALLLLLLLLLL."  
  
"That's not the last time I'll here THAT," muttered Randal jumping after him.  
  
Checking in on Cloud and Mario.  
  
Mario threw a razor edged leaf at Cloud who sliced it in half with his sword and came back with an attack of his own cutting Mario's  
  
shoulder wide open.  
  
Five minutes until self-destruction  
  
"Hear that?" smirked Mario. "That means this ship goes boom in five more minutes. Think you can finish me off before then?"  
  
"I know I can."  
  
"Good then prepare to die!!" Mario created two knives that looked like a mixture of pure energy and fire and hurled them at Cloud. He  
  
attempted to dive away but found they followed his attempt to dodge and felt one pierce into his shoulder and the other into the middle  
  
of his back. All the pain went into sharp focus for a single second and it was so overwhelming Cloud almost passed out right there. What  
  
kept him from fading out completely was a resounding right jab from Mario. Cloud backhanded him against the wall and tried to slice  
  
him in half with a simple braver but Mario avoided it with ease and threw a DBZ style fireball which Cloud narrowly avoided with an Fire 3.  
  
Cloud tried to block out the pain that was wracking his entire body and ran at Mario faking him out once then driving a knee into his  
  
rotund midsection and trying to slice his face open only to get a double uppercut.  
  
Three minutes until self-destruction  
  
Cloud spat the blood filling the inside of his mouth and charged again trying to take Mario's legs off then jumping to the side allowing  
  
Mario to miss his drop-kick and also allowing Cloud to do a full 360 and slice Mario's head off. Cloud landed on his feet and watched as  
  
the head bounced off the wall only to be caught by Mario who reattached it and turned to face his opponent. "I hope that's not all you  
  
got."  
  
"Oh poopie."  
  
"Now you die!" Mario drove his hands into the ground and watched as millions of little pieces of energy flew up from the ground but  
  
Cloud jumped out of the way of all of them and backhanded Mario with his sword. The two continued to trade attacks and moves until.  
  
Ten seconds until self-destruction.  
  
"Looks like we die together," cackled Mario shaking the cobwebs out of his head. The moment he said this, the entire room rocked with  
  
an explosion then another and several smaller ones after that. The walls collapsed and fire could be seen everywhere. Cloud knocked  
  
Mario aside and made a move to escape running through what used to be the door and jumping straight up slicing through every  
  
remaining ceiling he came into contact with and winding up on the top of the ship. Cloud was nearly rocked off the ship with another  
  
explosion and saw a parachute grabbing it and slinging it over his shoulder to jump off when he felt a foot crack his spine. Cloud spun  
  
around to meet a punch from Mario. "There's no fucking way you're getting off this ship!" screamed Mario going for another punch this  
  
one in the form of yet another fireball.  
  
Cloud felt all the rage of having his entire week screwed up and summoning every last ounce of energy growled, "This ends here you  
  
pudgy meatball sucking bastard.. CLIMHAZZARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mario in his weakened state could do little more then take the entire attack  
  
and when it was done, the bloody Mario stumbled back and fell screaming through the hole Cloud had created earlier. "Rest in hell,"  
  
Cloud murmured jumping off the ship with his parachute just as the last standable ground of the ship burst into explosion  
  
Back on the ground.  
  
"Well that's the last of them," Bruce Willis kicked the dead body of aside and leaned on the bazooka he had been using in the closing  
  
moments of the war.  
  
"God damn.look at those ships explode," Barret remarked looking to the sky.  
  
  
  
"An impressive site indeed," agreed Vincent.  
  
"What about Cloud?" asked Aeris.  
  
"There he is!" said Yuffie pointing to Cloud who was quickly descending to the sky along with several chunks of Nintendo ships. They all  
  
surrounded Cloud once he landed."  
  
"Are you okay?" asked Aeris.  
  
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."  
  
"What about Mario?"  
  
"He's dead. They all a-"  
  
"RUN!!!" screamed Gabe as a huge piece of flaming metal came towards them. Everyone moved closer towards the mansion were the  
  
main parts of the ships slowly began to fall outside New Nibelheim.  
  
"Anyway, they're all dead as far as I can tell."  
  
"Hey what the hells that?" asked Tosha pointing to the sky.  
  
"It looks like a space ship.does that mean?"  
  
"Someone survived?!"  
  
"And they're probably headed towards Nintendo Towers which means they can just rebuild and attack again!"  
  
"Not quite!" came a rather cartoonish sounding voice. Everyone turned to see none other then Crash Bandicoot come towards them  
  
smiling from ear to ear.  
  
"Wow!" exclaimed Cait Sith. "It's Playstation legend Crash Bandicoot!"  
  
"Yep! That's me. We heard about this Nintendo thing and sent several missles to their tower. So, you should have no problems from  
  
here! no need to thank us."  
  
"We wont," said Cloud. "Just one little question."  
  
  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS WHEN THIS WHOLE THING STARTED?!?!?!"  
  
"Well.there was this party and well.we had a lot going. Sorry."  
  
"That's okay. Can we ask you one more thing?" asked Cloud slowly cornering Crash along with the others.  
  
"Y-yeah?"  
  
Two hours later.  
  
"More Bandicoot anyone?" asked Stone Cold standing up with a knife.  
  
"Gimme a few more pieces down this way," replied Bart holding up his plate.  
  
"Man this guy tastes good," said Norm.  
  
"Like chicken," agreed Randal.  
  
"I feel REALLY guilty about this," said Cait Sith taking a small bite.  
  
"Bah, he had it coming," dismissed Cloud.  
  
"So, what're your plans to rebuild the city?" asked Fei. "I mean, most of the buildings were destroyed."  
  
"Yeah I know. We'll get on that tomorrow."  
  
"I have some ideas," offered Aeris.  
  
"That's great honey. Let's hear it."  
  
"Well, we could get other towns to pitch in, we could hack into Shinra's bank account, we could sell Tifa, I'm pregnant, we could sell  
  
some Materia. You know things like that."  
  
  
  
"All very good ideas," agreed Cloud taking another bite of Crash. Suddenly he choked and his eyes burst open. "YOU'RE PREGNANT?!"  
  
"Ohhhh boy," remarked Cid.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
  
  
First off, I am a huge fan of Crash Bandicoot. The only reason I used him was he was the only edible PSX mascot I could think of.  
  
Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this ten-part saga. There's gonna be a few one story episodes including two special stories one being a  
  
parody of all those behind the scenes show and the other a sort of parody of Mary Sue fics like this one here/before the next big story  
  
arc comes into play. I have a ton of other projects in the works so keep and eye open. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you  
  
enjoyed this. If not, then burn in hell because this was a lot of work. 


End file.
